“He woke up at four this morning. He had a wet diaper, so I changed him and rocked him back to sleep.” The tears are unstoppable now, and I pinch my fingers around the bridge of my nose, squeezing my eyes shut. I’m a fucking mess. The thought of someone else caring for my son means so much to me. What I used to have to beg Tori to do for her own son, Cammy has done without even being asked. I feel a glimmer of what it might be like to have a partner in parenting.
“Hey,” Cammy says, leaning over and placing her hand down on my knee. “It’s going to be okay.”
“Why didn’t you wake me?”
“You drove all night to see me. You were tired. It was the very least I could do. Plus, I wanted to spend time with him.” She isn’t trying to impress me with her answers. She’s truthful, and I almost can’t understand someone caring about me that much. It’s such a foreign feeling.
“Oh my God,” Ever says. “AJ, you’re here!” She runs over to me and throws herself onto my lap, wrapping her arms around my neck. “I’m so happy you’re here.”
I lean back, taking a look at her. “Who is this person smothering me right now?” I say, joking. “This isn’t the Ever I recall, dressed all in black, with more make up than any teenager should ever wear.”
She cocks her head to the side and gives me another tight hug. “Mom convinced me to dress a little nicer,” she says in my ear.
Mom. A word Cammy never heard before, a word she deserved to hear a million times over the course of thirteen years.
I look past the messy mop of hair in my face and over to Cammy, who has her hand plastered over her mouth with her eyes half shut, assumedly fending off the tears. “She called me Mom,” Cammy mouths to me.
“How’s it been going?” I ask Ever.
She hops off my lap and takes a seat at the table between us. “It pretty much sucked for the first couple of months, being back here, but then I got to come live here, and I’ve been having the best time.”
“You have no idea how happy that makes me,” I tell her.
“You know,” Ever begins. “I had a good life. I was taken care of and stuff. I never needed or wanted anything since they were pretty loaded, but the only thing that was always missing was real love. I don’t know if they ever felt that way for me, the way I can tell the two of you do.”
Guilt seeps through my veins once again, even though I didn’t have any say in the adoption process, I know how badly some parents want to adopt a baby, and they would do nothing but spend every second of the child’s life loving them with a real kind of love. I also know there are a few who adopt for the wrong reasons, and I always prayed that would never happen to Ever, but what could we control? They seemed genuinely excited to get her that day in the hospital thirteen years ago. How would we have known any different? “Some adopting parents were put on this earth to save a child. And some birth parents were never meant to be without their child. Then, there are some who should never have had children.” We’re all placed accordingly in life, there for those who need the love.
“I know,” she says. “I pretty much know everything there is to know about adoption. I’ve been researching it since I was ten.”
“Do you miss them?” I ask her. I don’t want to pretend like we’re swooping in to save the day. She had a life with these people, and they did take care of her, kept her safe and healthy until they passed away, until the time was right for Ever to come back into our lives again. I owe them respect for that.
“Yeah,” she says. “I do, but they were never around. I miss my nanny more.”
“Understandable,” I say with a sigh. “So tomorrow is the big day, huh?”
Ever clasps her hands together and smiles harder than I’ve ever seen her smile. “I can’t wait!”
“Us too,” Cammy says, proudly. “Actually, wait here. I have something for you—something I wanted to give you today.” Cammy jogs down the hallway into her bedroom and returns a moment later, handing Ever a small, suede bag. “I want you to have this.”
Ever pulls a silver ring out of the bag and examines it with a gleam in her eyes. “A ring?” I examine it a little closer as well, recognizing it.
“I couldn’t think of a better day to give this to you. AJ gave it to me right before you were born. It’s a promise ring—it was a promise that we would be together as a family.”
“I don’t understand,” Ever says. “But I love it. Thank you!” Ever throws her arms around Cammy’s neck and then mine. She doesn’t understand because it was our intention to be together and a family from the beginning.
“I can’t believe you kept that, after all this time,” I say to Cammy.
“It’s been locked away in my hope chest,” she says through a small smile. I get it.
“I do have a question, though,” Ever says. “Does this mean you’re officially my dad?”
While I know the answer to this, I also know what I wish the answer would be.
“It’s a little complicated,” Cammy tells her for me.
“You mean; you have to get married or something to make that official?”
“That’s one way, yeah,” Cammy agrees. “But—”
“I know,” Ever says.
“I am half responsible for you being in this world, Ever, and for that reason alone, I will always be your dad. The legal stuff will come in time, okay?”
“Okay,” she says with a sluggish shrug. “I’m hungry.” She changes the subject, reminding me she’s a teenager as she stands up from the table and goes into the kitchen to fix herself a bowl of cereal.
“Daddy!” Gavin screams. “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!” I run into the other room, finding Gavin nearly in tears. He looks confused, as I’m sure he did at four in the morning too, though it was probably still dark at least. Now, it’s pretty clear he’s in a room he’s never been in before.
“I’m here, buddy.” I take him out of the crib and quickly change his diaper. Grabbing the diaper bag, I bring it out to the kitchen so I can put together some food for him.
“Does he like eggs?” Cammy asks.
“Probably more than dried cereal,” I laugh.
“Eggs!” Gavin shouts.
“I can make the best eggs ever,” Cammy tells him, sweetly.
Gavin shrieks with excitement and squirms out of my arms to get down. He runs over to Cammy and wraps his little arms around her leg as she cracks the eggs into a bowl. “I help!”
“Of course you can!” Cammy lifts him up and places him on the counter next to her and hands him a whisk. “Go ahead.” Eggs spray everywhere but Cammy doesn’t seem to care. She’s in hysterics laughing, and Ever is grinning from ear to ear, watching this play out. “Bad idea!”
I’m not sure I’ve been in a room with four people laughing this hard. Or at least, it’s been a real long time. I miss the feeling of just being happy and free of worry.
“It’s finally Friday,” Cammy says, walking up with a smile on her face. “God, this week went by so slowly until you got here the other day.”
“I hear ya,” I tell her, pulling my clothes out of my bag. “You have an iron?”
She points to the closet and slips out of bed. “You’re wearing me out,” she groans with a lazy smile.
“I can stop if it’s too much for you to handle,” I say, padding across the room towards her. I loop my arms around her and pull her into me. She tilts her head back and I lean forward, pressing my lips to hers, feeling even more perfect than the last time I kissed her.
“Today is the best day,” she mutters against my mouth.
“You said that yesterday,” I remind her.
“Tomorrow will be even better,” she says.
Loosening the grip I’m never quite ready to release, I retrieve the ironing board and iron from the closet. She brushes past me at the same time, ripping through the hangers in a loud debate on what to wear the day she becomes a mother again.
An hour and twenty minutes lat
er, we’re all dressed appropriately, or whatever seems appropriate for being granted a second chance at parenthood. “I’ll drive,” Cammy says as we’re walking outside. “No truck with this dress.”
“I know better than to argue with that,” I tell her. “I’ll just grab Gavin’s car seat from the truck.” I place Gavin down in the grass with her and he immediately lifts his arms to her, determined to be picked up. He clearly has good taste in women.
After settling everyone in Cammy’s SUV, we take off for the courthouse, which is about a half hour from here I guess. The music is turned up, the girls are singing, Gavin is kicking his feet into my seat, and I’m resting easy knowing life is on its way to amazingness.
Or at least that was the plan before the truck coming towards us decided to skid out of control. Shit.
“Cam!” I scream. “Watch out!”
I turn around in time to see the fearful look on Ever’s face and the unknowing smile on Gavin’s, but the sound of metal eating metal sends me spinning quickly into a dark hole, one that doesn’t give me the chance to look back at the oncoming truck.
With the darkness eating me up, the sounds around me take over all of my senses. Screams and cries fill the air, and I want to snap out of my haze to take care of my family but I can’t move. I feel heavy and pinned to the seat.
The noise fades around me and then escalates in volume. The repetition of growing and shrinking volume continues, causing incredible nausea. As the minutes pass, the volume stops growing, the cries stop blaring, and the screams become mute. The world around me halts its movements, and suddenly, everything is still. Everything is paused. How can my life be almost completely perfect one minute and then turn into a state of destruction seconds later?
My mind and thoughts feel like they’re coming to a crawl, and part of me wonders if my mind can’t comprehend the reality of what is happening, while the other part is considering the thought of my mind completely shutting down for good.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
I’VE HAD SEVERAL significant moments of realization in my life. Two of them were when I saw my children for the first time. One of them was when Cammy left me for good. One of them was when Hunter lost Ellie and became a widower at twenty-five. Another was when he became happy again with his second chance at life as he met Charlotte, and another was when Cammy and Ever stepped back into my life. Then there’s today, the realization that all of that might not matter because only one of those realizations will stick with me for the remainder of my life.
“He’s coming out of it,” a woman says. “Andrew, can you hear my voice? Please squeeze my finger if you can.” I don’t recognize her voice, but I can hear her, and I squeeze with a weakness that has seemingly taken over my entire body. It’s hard to feel much right now, if anything. “Page the doctor!”
My mind seems extremely blank; yet, I know how I got here. I’d rather my mind stay blank for the time being, however. I don’t want the news I’m expecting when I open my eyes. I know my family is gone, and I’m the only one coming out of this. The pain hasn’t seeped into my heart yet, and I’m scared for when that happens.
“Andrew, can you open your eyes, son?” A man says.
As if my eyes were obeying his command, they struggle to open, finding white-washed walls and empty chairs surrounding the bed I’m lying in. I try to speak but only air comes out. I want to ask if my family is okay.
“You need to relax now; you haven’t used your voice in a week. We’ll get you something to soothe your throat.” A week?
Panic is slowly coursing through me like electricity. No one I recognize is here. I’m in Pennsylvania, that’s why. And my family is dead.
A nurse hands me a cup of water. “Here you go, sweetie.”
After a couple of minutes, I’m able to form sounds in my raw throat. “Where’s my family?” is the first thing I say, realizing it may be a bit confusing since I have no legal rights regarding Ever, and Cammy and I were hardly dating. Gavin, though, is legally my baby.
The doctor smiles gently. “Give me a moment, okay?” He walks out of the room.
I can’t figure out how long it is between the moment he left and returned, but it feels like an eternity while I’m hanging by a loose thread, dreading a response he could have easily given me.
“Andrew,” the doctor says. “You need to wear your seatbelt from now on.” He points to me, highlighting his point. “And this is why—”
At that moment, Cammy, Gavin, and Ever enter the room, interrupting the doctor, and running to my side. Cammy has Gavin tucked safely under her arm, and Ever is climbing on top of me, squeezing her arms around my neck. My heart shatters once again. “I—I’ve been worried sick, AJ,” Cammy stutters in my ear. “Your parents and Hunter are out in the waiting room. Everyone has been worried out of their minds. We were scared you weren’t going to wake up.”
“What happened?” I ask, reaching for Gavin.
“Your muscles are likely to be quite weak at this moment,” a nurse pipes in. I just want to hold him.
Cammy places Gavin next to me and he curls up, resting his head on my chest. “Daddy, I missssssed you.”
“You hit your head against the windshield. You hit it so hard the glass broke from you, not even the impact,” she explains.
“Am I okay?” I ask, even though it’s the least of my worries, still feeling the immense relief of seeing the three of them all in one piece.
“You had some bleeding in your brain, but they were able to stop it. It just didn’t bring you out of the coma right away like they hoped. We weren’t sure…” She runs her hand against the side of my face. “You have some lacerations from the glass, and bruising, but they said if you woke up, you’d be okay.”
Hunter. What did this do to him? After what his accident caused Ellie. “Is Hunter okay?”
Cammy shakes her head silently. “He’s been a mess. He’s not okay.”
“Can I see him?”
Cammy looks at the nurse with question.
“He can come in too,” the nurse says with a smile.
“I’ll go get Hunter,” Ever says, taking Gavin with her. “I love you, Dad.” Ever leans over and kisses my cheek before running out the door for Hunter.
“Dad?” I question. “When did that happen?”
Cammy’s bottom lip quivers. “Our hearing, the one that was supposed to declare me Ever’s legal mother, it wasn’t just for me—”
“I don’t understand,” I say, cutting her off, feeling more pain in my throat from the dryness.
“I was going to surprise you,” she says quietly, with a small huff of a laugh. I find myself looking between her wide gaze, noticing the stain of pink surrounding the golden hue of her chestnut eyes. She bites down on her bottom lip, I assume to stop the quiver, and she sits down on the small space left beside me on the bed. “I was able to prove your biological rights to Ever, and they were granting you the same legal rights as they were giving me. We’re both legally her parents again. We never made the hearing, but I was notified by the judge.”
“That’s why you needed my DNA sample. I had hoped, but I figured you would have told me.” My face heats, and all of the feeling in my body rushes back at once. My heart fills with so much love and gratitude it feels like it may explode. My chest aches with the most beautiful type of pain, and I don’t know why life has to drag me through dizzying circles of disaster before I find the light I’m supposed to be following, but I’m here now.
Cammy places her hands on the sides of my face and presses her forehead to mine. “Full circle. We’re so lucky, AJ,” she mutters, as her tears fall over my nose.
I lift my heavy arms and place them around her, wanting so badly to pull her down on the bed with me, but I stop myself and behave, as I remember that I better be careful, considering all that happened to me over the past week. “I love you, Cam,” I tell her.
“AJ,” she sputters. “I prayed every day that yo
u were going to wake up and be okay. I couldn’t understand how the best thing in the world could have happened at almost the exact moment I thought my life was crashing down in front of me. I can’t lose you again.”
“It’s all going to be okay,” I tell her softly.
“AJ,” Hunter exhales, rushing across the room. “My God. You scared us to death, bro.” Cammy stands up to let Hunter in, and he wraps his arm around her neck, pulling her in and kissing her on the forehead. “This girl…she is your goddamn angel. You need to know that.”
I feel confused or like I’m missing something. I don’t want to question him, but the look on my face might be doing that without words. “She stopped your bleeding. She kept you together until the ambulance showed up, all while taking care of both kids. I don’t know if I could have reacted so quickly and handled it all the way she did. She saved your life, AJ.”
Cammy’s hand folds over Hunter’s shoulder, easing him back. “Hunter,” Cammy says quietly, squirming out from beneath his arm. “I’ll be right back.”
“Sorry,” Hunter tells her. “I just wanted him to know how amazing you are.”
“I already know,” I tell him.
As Cammy disappears into the hallway, Hunter continues. “I didn’t mean to come off so strong, I just—she’s been taking such good care of Gavin all week. She hasn’t left his side. Mom and I offered to take him a dozen times, and she insisted on keeping him with her. Each time I showed up at the hospital, she had him curled up in her lap. I don’t think she took her hands off of him for one minute this week. We made her go home to get some sleep and shower, but it was a fight every time. She didn’t want to leave you, either.”
Listening to all of this doesn’t feel surprising but it also feels surreal. No one has loved me like that, and it’s all I’ve ever wanted. “She really loves Gavin, huh?” I ask him.
“AJ, she really loves you. It’s the same love I had with Ellie. I’m telling you, the relationships that grow from a young age mature into a kind of love that can’t be created between two people meeting later in life. It’s just different. It’s stronger and more resilient, even if you did take a thirteen-year break, she’s your one. Always has been.”
A Missing Heart Page 24