He scoffs. “That’s not a bike. You want to ride, you just let me know and I’ll give you a ride on a real bike.” His eyes darken with his words.
“Really?” I feel my lips turn up at the corners
“Absolutely. We can take off for a day and feel the wind in our hair.”
I poke at my pancakes, wondering if he knows what he’s promising me. “When?”
He shrugs. “Whenever you want. I have to work all week so maybe next weekend?”
“It’s a date,” I respond with my heart hammering away. I watch him nervously, waiting to see if he catches it.
Something flashes in his eyes even though he’s so still he looks like stone. Seeing his heated glare, I have to swallow down the urge to reach out and touch him.
The tension is growing thick between us, I can feel it settle over me like a weighted blanket. It’s soothing and relaxing, yet charged with a yearning that I think we both feel.
He clears his throat as he tears his gaze away from mine. “Are you ready?”
I nod, completely breathless.
He stands and walks off to pay the bill, but I linger a little longer in my seat, hoping to calm my racing heart.
A couple of hours later, we’re on the trail. Neither of us talk much as we hike and take in our surroundings.
The wind blows gently, cooling my skin that’s quickly becoming overheated between my physical activity and Holden being so close. Every time I catch him looking at me I just want to press myself against him and tell him to take me, I dream about it actually. Even though, deep down, I know it will never happen. I know he’s attracted to me by the way he was looking at me at breakfast, but I also know he would never allow it.
As the day goes on and the sun gets higher in the sky, the heat rises. We’re both breathless and sweating our asses off. He’s done tore off his shirt and tied it to the belt loop on his shorts. Having to see his muscular back as I trek along behind him has me even hotter. After about an hour of constant hiking, we sit down for a breather.
My chest is rising and falling from my heavy breathing as I lay back on a large rock to cool off. I rest the back of my arm on my forehead as I close my eyes, trying to calm my pounding heart. I take slow, deep breaths. When I open my eyes, I find Holden watching me intently. He’s not moving or blinking, hell he might not be breathing. He’s completely still while every muscle is flexed.
I know I have his attention and I like it. I sit up and slowly pull off my jacket to ball up behind my head, leaving me in just shorts and a sports bra. When I’m comfortable with my makeshift pillow, I look back at him.
“What are you doing, Hope?” he asks, cutting through the silence.
“Trying to cool off. What’s it look like?” I let my eyes flutter closed. I’m embarrassed. He’s caught me.
“It looks like you’re trying to tease me, but that’s not what you’re doing, right?” I hear him stand and the rustle of grass and leaves as he walks closer. When I open my eyes, he’s standing directly above me.
I’m speechless. I don’t know what to say. Do I tell him about these confusing feelings I’m having toward him? Do I play it off like I have no idea what he’s talking about? Or should I just make a move and let it speak for itself and see what happens?
He’s standing so close I could easily touch him, and I want to. Without thinking, I reach up, letting my fingers skim over his defined six-pack. He takes a sharp breath and grinds his teeth together while closing his eyes, as if my touch pains him.
It worries me that I may be crossing a line here. Would he look like this if he wanted my touch? I’m about to pull away from him when a growl resonates from deep in his chest. Quicker than I thought possible, he’s pulling me up against him. Our eyes are locked on one another’s and my breathing is quick from excitement and fear.
His right hand lands softly on my jaw, holding me close. “I can’t control myself when you touch me.”
My lips part, wanting to say something, but I don’t know what. I want to beg him to take me, to give me a piece of him, to never let me go until these emotions I’m feeling disappear, but I can’t form words.
He sees the questions in my eyes. “What is it, Hope? What do you want?”
“I…I don’t know,” I whisper.
His hot breath blows across my dry lips, making me wet them. His eyes flash down to my lips and then back up like he wants to kiss me. I want him to kiss me, but I can’t ask for it. I can’t say it because it’s wrong, and admitting it out loud would make it real. Right now, it’s just an idea, a possibility.
He moves in only a few centimeters and my eyes close. My heart beats even faster with the thought of feeling his lips on mine, but he pauses. “Do you want this, Hope?”
I slowly nod my head, afraid of opening my eyes or using my voice. “Tell me. Tell me what you want.”
I take a deep breath, letting the tingles wrack my body like a strong wave. “Kiss me.”
I expect him to move in, but he doesn’t. I open my eyes to see him fighting with himself. He swallows hard. “I can’t. I’m sorry.” He shakes his head and releases me.
Chapter 12
I watch her lying on that rock and a part of me comes alive. We’re miles away from civilization, I could take her if I wanted — nobody would know. She wants me, I know she does and I know she would allow me to have my way with her.
At first, I thought I was crazy. But I’ve been picking up on little things here and there. The way she looked at me at breakfast this morning, the way she thinks she tricked me into agreeing to take her on a bike ride; now she’s stripping off her jacket, teasing me with her soft skin.
The sun is shining down on her beautiful body, making her skin blush. Her eyes land on mine, a deep, rich brown. She watches me as she sucks her bottom lip into her mouth, biting it.
When I ask her what she’s doing, she pulls away like she thinks I’ve caught on to her little game and she’s in trouble. I’ve caught onto her game, but she’s not in trouble — not in the way she thinks, anyway. She has no idea she’s poking the bear.
When she opens her eyes, they lock directly on mine. I see the surprise written on her face. I see the fear in her eyes when she thinks I’m going to get onto her, but I also see desire burning bright. When I see that, I can’t hold back any longer.
With her eyes closed, she asks me to kiss her. She’s against my chest. Her bare stomach touches mine and her tits are against my chest. I want so badly to take her, to make her mine, to make her wish she never would’ve opened up to me, but I can’t. I can’t ruin the trust I’ve been building with her. Already I can see the progress she’s making toward recovery. I can’t take that from her.
I release her and take a few steps away, needing the distance. I run my hands through my hair, angry with myself for putting us in this position and for not taking the opportunity I’ve been dying for. I had her in my arms, body against mine with her asking for what I so badly want to give her, but I can’t allow it. It’s wrong. She doesn’t want this even if she thinks she does.
“Holden.” I hear her say behind me.
“What?” I ask, anger in my voice, refusing to face her.
I hear her walking up behind me before she places her hand on my bare shoulder.
I turn to face her, hoping my anger and shame isn’t written all over my face.
When I look in her eyes, she says, “kiss me.”
I step back, shaking my head. “You don’t want that. You’re just confused.”
Her eyes grow wide. “I am confused. I’m confused about what you make me feel. I shouldn’t have these feelings, but I do. And I think you do too.”
“Damn it, Hope.” I take a deep breath, trying to figure out how to get it through her head. But before I can think of a good reason, she’s pressing herself against me, kissing me.
A flood of emotion surges through my veins. Her lips damn near burn mine. When I feel her tongue pushing past my lips, I’m lost. I can’t fight h
er. I want her with everything I am. I grab her ass and lift her up against me. She wraps her legs around my waist as I press her back to a tree. I can’t even fucking think straight.
It’s her. She’s in my thoughts. She pumps through my veins more powerful than any drug. And she’s intoxicating.
Her thin fingers thread through my hair, pulling me closer as her sweet lips take any shred of resistance I had left. My hands tour her body, grabbing her breasts, squeezing her ass, and brushing against her clit. Her lips slow as a moan escapes. That sound causes my dick to twitch and harden even more.
With me pinning her against the tree, she isn’t going anywhere as my hand continues to move over her pussy, anything to make her make that sound that can drive me wild again. Her breathing speeds up and her nails bite into my flesh. She pulls her lips away from mine to call out for me while I work her over. My mouth moves to her ear, trailing kisses down her neck, sucking, biting, and tasting. I can’t get enough of her.
I rub against her until she shatters for me, calling my name. Watching her come undone is fucking beautiful. It does something to me that I can’t explain, something that will make me do anything she asks as long as I get to see this again.
When her soft whimpers and pleas fall silent, my hand slows and I move my mouth to hers, needing to taste her one last time in fear she will realize her mistake and push me away.
“Holden,” she pants out. “I need…”
“What do you need, angel?” I rest my forehead against hers, completely breathless.
“I need more. I need you.” Her eyes pop open and lock on mine. They are full of determination and lust. Pleading with me to give her more of me instead of pushing me away, like she should be.
I’m hard as a fucking rock and the only thing I want to do is bury myself deep inside her pussy that I know is glistening with need for me right now. She’s practically begging for me to fuck her, something I’ve dreamt about since that forbidden kiss planted the thoughts inside of me. That kiss was like a tornado, wreaking havoc on my mind until there was nothing left but her. She stands in the middle of all the destruction inside of me, completely unscathed, still asking me to do things to her that she should never allow.
I pull away, setting her on her feet as I turn my back to her, chest heaving from the roller coaster I was just on. I place my hands on my hips as I talk myself down. I can’t fuck up her life like this. I’m her dead boyfriends adoptive father — the uncle of the guy she was going to marry.
Fuck! How could I even let myself go there? Not to mention, I’m still technically married. I told myself I’d never use that pass she gave me. And I guess I still haven’t, but what we just did was wrong, no matter how you look at it.
“I can’t, Hope. Please understand.” I turn to look at her. Her face is still flushed as she leans against the tree I just had her pressed against. “I want to. God fucking knows I want to. But this…” I point between the two of us, “this can’t happen again. I’m sorry for fucking this up. But it’s wrong.” I level my eyes on her so she knows I’m serious.
She nods, seeming to understand, as she hangs her head.
“Please don’t do that. You’ll thank me one day for not going through with this. You’re so fucking beautiful, and good. You deserve to be with someone who can give you all of themselves and that’s not me. I’m still married, and as much as I want to, I can’t leave her while she’s hurting like this. I’ve tried to walk away from her so many goddamn times, but she keeps pulling me back in, refusing to let go. You deserve more than I can offer you, and it wouldn’t be fair to take from you when I have nothing to give back.”
Her dark eyes meet mine, they’re full of sadness and pain and it fucking kills me that I caused this. “I know it’s wrong. I know I should stay away from you, but I find myself wanting to be near you in hopes your arm brushes against mine just so I can feel the reactions you cause in me. Do you feel it? Please tell me I’m not imagining it.” She looks so alone and insecure in this moment, leaning against a tree like she can’t bear to stand on her own without my support.
I take a deep breath, almost afraid to admit it out loud. “I do feel it, and I want it. I want nothing more than to fuck you anyway I can get you.” I look at my feet. “But I won’t allow it.”
We’re quiet for several long minutes, not knowing where to go from here. I hold out my hand and she takes it so I can lead her back down the trail.
“Are you still going to give me a ride on your bike?” I can hear the humor in her voice.
I turn and look over my shoulder at her. “If it keeps you off of one of those damn racing bikes, I will.”
I hear her giggle behind me.
I pull up to her building just as the sun is beginning to set. She looks over at me nervously. “Am I going to see you again?”
I take a deep breath, running my hand through my hair. “I don’t know, Hope. I think maybe we need to put a little distance between us. Let whatever this is fade away.”
“What about my bike ride?”
I look over at her to see something burning behind her eyes. She’s not going to let this go.
I laugh. “I don’t know. We’ll see.”
The amusement fades from her face now. Without a word, she opens the door and steps out.
“Whatever this thing is between us, I don’t think it’s just going to fade away. It feels bigger than that.” She closes the door and walks inside.
I take a deep breath before driving on. She’s right. It does feel big. Like two worlds just crashed into one another, left with no choice but to coexist. But if I can manage to stay away from her, I won’t have a chance to touch her. I won’t ruin her life. I can only imagine her telling her parents how she’s fucking a guy the same age as her father. As if that wouldn’t horrify them enough, it’s also the guy that raised her dead ex-boyfriend. The guy that would drop them off at the movies together, that spent summer days at their house for cookouts and pool parties. They’ll think I’m some kind of pervert. I mean, who wouldn’t?
Back then, I never even looked at Hope with any underlined feelings, not until she started turning into a woman anyway. And even then it was nothing more than a faithful married man looking at a beautiful woman. I had thoughts, but never really considered them. She was my son’s friend turned girlfriend. She was the young daughter of a buddy of mine. She was just the girl next door. I don’t know how all of that has changed, but it has. She’s grown and turned into a beautiful woman. I’d be out of my mind not to notice that. Most men my age would say I’m a dumbass for not hooking up with a woman half my age, until they learned of the situation anyway.
I have to keep my distance. For myself as well as for her. I have Jane to think about. She needs to get better so we can end this thing we call a marriage. I loved that woman for twenty years, but the last five years in hell did me in. I’m no longer in love with her and I don’t think she can even feel an emotion as strong as love. She feels nothing but depression.
I think over everything as I drive home. Wishing there was a way this could work out for all of us, but in every vision of the future I have, someone ends up hurt: Jane gets hurt when she finds out her husband fell in love with the girl next door that used to be, or maybe still is in some ways, in love with her dead son. Hope gets hurt because I allow this to go on until she falls in love with me and it ends. Or, I end up hurt when her parents find out what we’re doing and threaten to disown her, because I won’t let her choose me over them.
I shake the thoughts of my doomed future from my head as I pull into the drive.
Chapter 13
“Jane, I’m home,” I yell when I walk in the door.
She doesn’t make a sound, not that I expect her to. I take a deep breath as I drop my wallet and keys on the kitchen counter and move toward her room.
I push the door open and for once, she’s not lying in bed. She’s back in that fucking chair, staring out the window in a daze.
“How wa
s your day?” I ask her, leaning against the door frame.
Again, no answer. She doesn’t move an inch.
I push forward, walking through her room and sitting down next to her. “I ran into Hope in the city.”
With the mention of Hope’s name, her head turns in my direction.
For the first time in a long time, I see my wife instead of the gray cloud of depression that’s always hanging over her. Her green eyes are faded and bloodshot, small wrinkles surrounding them. Her dark hair is starting to turn gray, and she’s so underweight I’m surprised she can support herself.
“Hope?” she whispers, her face void of emotion.
I nod. I knew mentioning Hope’s name would make her think of Dean, but I just need to see some sort of emotion from her. “She’s going to college in the city. I ran into her at one of those group meetings I’ve been trying to get you to go to.”
She practically snarls before turning her head away from me to look out the window.
“I’m helping her, Jane. She’s depressed and just letting life pass her by, just like you. The only difference is that she wants to be found. She wants to be better. She wants my help.”
I expect her to say something, to breathe out a sigh, or walk away from me so she doesn’t have to listen to what I’m saying, but she does nothing. She shuts down. I see her eyes glaze over like she’s no longer with me, but in a different time and place all together.
“What’s going on behind those eyes of yours?” I whisper while watching her escape this world any way she can.
I sit and watch her, dreaming about a time in our lives when we were happy, when she laughed and had fun. This woman sitting in front of me is nothing more than an empty shell of the woman who once used to embody it.
I rest my elbows on my knees while my hands ball up under my chin to support my head as I lean over, watching her. “I wish you would come back, Jane.”
When it’s clear that she isn’t coming back to me, I stand and leave her alone.
Wrapped in Hope: A Forbidden Romance (The Hope Series Book 1) Page 9