"Yes, honestly."
James turned his head from the sky to Steven. "All I desire… is you."
"Me…"
"Yeah, you."
Steven shook his head. "But with everything you have been through, why—"
"I know if people heard that, they would look at me like I am crazy. They would say, 'James you have AIDS, you could die and stuff', but when I look back on my life, I just… there is only one thing missing."
"I don't understand."
"Ever since I was little, I always felt like a clock, just ticking and ticking waiting for time to run out, but it's that way of thinking that spurred me to be who I am. Steven, I have been all over the world, I have met some amazing people. I have done things that I may not have done if I hadn't had AIDS. It's a part of me. If I take it away, I wouldn't be who I am.
"The only thing I want now is the only thing I ever wanted. It's someone to share my life with. Someone to do everything with. I know it may sound crazy or foolish, but all I desire is someone to love, someone who makes me feel good. Someone who knows me, flaws and all and still loves me. The thing I truly desire most is you. I know it sounds crazy—"
"No. It doesn't sound crazy at all. You know, it's funny how my life has become so normalized. I can plan my whole day on a schedule and never deviate from it. I always felt like something was missing, and then you come along and turn my whole life into a drama."
"I'm sorry," James said.
"No, don't be. I realize what was wrong with my life because of you. I wasn't living. I was just existing. Every day was the same for me, but because of you I see life in a different way. It's like I can finally breathe. James, you are my breath of fresh air."
James looked at Steven with a heavy heart as he leaned over to him and kissed him softly.
"I love you so much," James whispered.
"I love you too." Steven kissed James as they got closer on the hammock.
As they kissed Steven felt James pull away from him.
"What's wrong?" Steven asked as he sat up.
"This is a fantasy." James said as he shook his head in disbelief.
"Huh."
"There is no way this is really happening. We are fools to think this can work." James said as he got out of the hammock.
Steven got out of the hammock. "What do you mean?"
"I mean what happens when you want to be intimate? Then what? We can say we can have a relationship without sex but we both know that's not true, and even if we did it wouldn’t last."
Steven grabbed James's hand. "You know what James, you are right. It is damn near impossible to have a long lasting relationship without sex, but you are also wrong."
"What do you mean?"
"Look James, since we are being honest I just have to tell you the truth. This is not ever going to be easy and I would be lying if I were to say I am ready to make love to you. The thought still scares the hell out of me."
"I know, Steven, and I understand, and that's why I think we should—"
"I'm not finished yet. Even though I am scared, let's face it, you have had years to come to terms with this I have only had a couple of days, so I need a little time and during that time I will be doing some reading and research as well as educating myself. That way, if… no, when we decide to be intimate with each other, we will know all the risks and we can be safe. Besides, I know you wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.
"So… you still want to be with me." James said trembling.
"I'm still here aren't I?"
James wiped a tear from his eye. "You really are special."
"So are you." Steven said as he hugged James. Steven got back into the hammock as James joined him. Steven curled up to James as they looked into the heavens. Steven knew he had no way of knowing what the future held for him and James, but he did know that when it came to James, it was worth finding out.
Fin
About the Author
James is a combination of many nerds in one body. As A Naruto Ninja, A Gleek, A Pokémon Master, A Super Street Fighter and a Tekken Tag Tournament champion this guy has no choice but to stand out, which is fine by him. He loves the vivid and the imaginative and finds joy in creating stories that hint at real life; even though he often finds himself in a fantasy world.
All I Desire is Steven Page 4