by Allen Kupetz
“I know this book. Hinckley had it in his back pocket when he shot Reagan and so did that guy who shot John Lennon. This book you can buy in Hebrew. They probably distribute it through the religious parties. I hate them too, by the way. Maybe more than the Germans. What kind of name is J.D. anyway? Isn’t that what you call a lawyer in America? Oh wait, you wouldn’t know because you quit so now you have to take baths with men to earn a living. Who picked this fucking place? You never answered my question, what kind of a name is J.D. anyway? What kind of loser uses initials instead of the name his mother and father gave him? Huh, CJ?
“So I’ve done my job and I can go home now. I’ve redirected my friend’s anger at the world and allowed him to focus all that hostility directly at me. Now would you please sit down. I’m tired of staring at that thing only your wife thinks is a penis.”
“I’m not having a good day, my friend.”
“You’re kidding? Really? Really? You hide it like an Israeli. So tell me, how was dinner? Did you eat all your vegetables and get seconds on dessert?”
“I was not invited.”
“What? The Koreans probably had 50 people there and said no room for you?”
“The Koreans invited me of course. Don’t be stupid. The Prime Minister asked that I go to the embassy and do some bullshit errand for him. It was meaningless. Just an excuse to include me out. Or exclude me in. I don’t know this expression. I told him that if he was going to start World War III that maybe he would find my counsel of good use. He said he did not agree. I told him that if he needed me I would be at the embassy. When he left the dinner, I left the embassy.”
“What’s this all about? Did you make some joke about his wife? Does he think you’re going to back someone else in the next election? What’s changed in 24 hours? The answer walked into the sauna and was surprising for several reasons. First, the Prime Minister of Israel generally travels with a large group, not with just two people. Second, all three men were wearing suits in the sauna, a flagrant violation of the rules. Third, the other two men were Bill and Clayton. Both were wearing communication ear pieces and Bill had a pistol with a silencer on it.
The Prime Minister said something in Hebrew.
Clayton, who seemed to have the role of translator, said, “Don’t get up.”
The Prime Minister spoke in Hebrew again, almost in tears. Clayton said, “I would have given you anything. Even my job. What would have been enough? I know your failure, your weakness, but what was mine?”
Again the Prime Minister spoke in Hebrew, but then angrily gestured at Clayton and no translation was offered.
“I speak English as well as you do, Mr. Allen,” said the Prime Minister, whose voice was again strong with his composure seemingly regained in full. “But this is between Dani and me. I’m sure you understand.”
Before CJ could say anything, the Prime Minister nodded at Bill who shot Dani once in the heart and twice in the head. The bath was instantly as red as the Biblical Nile. The Prime Minister gestured to Bill, who at first seemed puzzled or reluctant, but then gave the gun to him. The Prime Minister shot Dani four more times, tossed the gun into the bath, and left with Bill and Clayton.
Chapter Seven
“Now, CJ, I have only about 20 questions left. Let’s get through them quickly and we can both go home. We are on the same team here, don’t you see? I want to go home too. I was here last night with you. My wife and kids are waiting for me. Your folks are waiting for you. Did I tell you? We flew them in. Someone from PR is giving them the grand tour. They’re letting your dad take pictures and he’s elated. We haven’t told him yet, but we’re going to delete all the pictures. Just kidding. I’m just kidding. It is just a building. I don’t know why everyone can’t take pictures, but you know those CID guys.”
“That’s where you work, yes?”
“Obviously, CJ, but I just ask questions. I’m not to here to judge or second guess you. I just need to know what happened.”
“OK. I don’t mean to be uncooperative in any way. I’m tired. Someone I consider one of my best friends just got shot two feet from me. Let’s get this done. You ask. I’ll answer. But I’m going to mark on this board and when 20 questions is up, I go to the hotel. I’ll come back and answer a thousand more. I answered a thousand last night. But only 20 more right now and we break for twenty-four hours – agreed?”
“That’s not really for me to say.”
“Twenty or zero. I will piss on your grave when you kill yourself after they fire you because they realize you’re an idiot.”
There was a knock on the door and the man from CID left and returned almost as quickly. “Twenty questions it is, CJ. You win. But this is not the game Twenty Questions. I’m not looking for yes or no answers. I want the truth and I want details. Agreed?”
“Agreed.”
“You just referred to GOSSAMER as ‘one of my best friends.’ Now do you consider this to be appropriate in a C/O-agent relationship?”
“I’m glad you’re not here to judge me. To answer your question, generally speaking, no. But this was unusual. It was a longer handling relationship than is normal because of the circumstances. It was high risk, which adds to the bonding. We’re about the same age, etc., etc. Maybe the textbook says I was too close to GOSSAMER, but it absolutely did not impact my operational judgment. It would only have made me more protective, yes? I would only have been more cautious, yes?”
“Did you have a homosexual relationship with GOSSAMER?”
“You are going to waste five percent of your 20 questions to ask me that? Are you as stupid as that sweater makes you look? I was sleeping with Rachel, or have your forgotten two hours of last night’s chat? I’m feeling charitable. I’ll let you withdraw that question and not count it against you.”
“Did you have a homosexual relationship with GOSSAMER?”
“No. I never asked him to have sex with me. He never asked me to have sex with him. I have never had sex with a man. To my knowledge, neither has GOSSAMER. We can ask his wife what she thinks. Don’t forget, you owe her a shit load of money and I know how much to the penny. Anyway, that was two. Next?”
“Jake, the man who you called from jail, is Australian. Was it appropriate tradecraft to involve an uncleared third-party foreign national? Someone, by the way, you never completed any paperwork on despite knowing him for many years.”
“Well, Sherlock – may I call you Sherlock? – here’s the story. The Koreans took me to jail, but since I was still a spy at the time I thought I shouldn’t call Langley collect. So I called Jake because I had his number. Jake was probably the only person in the country at the time who would believe that the Prime Minister of Israel had shot GOSSAMER but didn’t shoot me because he apparently didn’t give a damn if I told anyone or not. And paperwork? He’s a cook in the hotel. Did you clear the delivery boy who brings your wife egg rolls? What about the guy who cuts your lawn? The lady who cuts your hair? Do you have any common sense or is it required to trade it in to get your plastic CID badge and decoder ring? Do you know what C/Os do? Do you have any idea whatsoever?”
“Did you have a homosexual relationship with Jake?”
“No. That’s four. Next?”
“Tell me about Rachel.”
“About what, exactly? We went over and over this last night. I agreed it demonstrated bad operational judgment. Okay? I’m not going to get promoted next cycle. There goes the vacation to Mt. Rushmore.”
“Did you feel her sexual advances were a red flag considering the operational sensitivity of this mission?”
“What is it with you and the sex questions? Are your bosses behind the glass whacking each other off with all the homosexual and was Rachel a good fuck questions? No. I did not see her actions as a red flag. She is the not first woman to come on to me or pick up on my flirting. I hope she is not the last. Given my mug made page one above the fold in Dallas, DC, New York, Israel, and Korea and the Internet, I think a lot of women may be intereste
d. But you know what? When I go back to Dallas, after your buddies behind the glass take all the spy shit out of my apartment, I’m going to move in with Rachel and sell little wooden masks to people whether they want them or not. I think I’ll sell them in Israel. Apparently I’m friends with the Prime Minister and Bill and Clayton can be my distribution channel.”
“When did you learn that the two Mossad agents calling themselves Bill and Clayton were not Agency staffers?”
“Right about the time GOSSAMER stopped breathing, Sherlock. They had been able to read every message you sent me and I sent you, hadn’t they? Instead of pointing fingers at me, why not talk to the idiot who built the box and wrote the code.”
“The Korean government chose not to return your laptop. They claim it was stolen by a hotel maid and are investigating.”
“It’ll take the Koreans 20 minutes to find the back door to the software. And if they can't, the Israelis can do it in one minute. They probably wrote the damn thing and sold it to you. I’ll ask them when I’m over there.”
“I would advise against you traveling to Israel.”
“What? Who gives a fuck about your advice. Your children probably ignore your worthless advice. You think they want to kill me? They could do it here as well as there so what’s the difference. Besides, they had a loaded gun aimed two feet from my head. If they had wanted me dead, you’d be boring the shit out of your wife now instead of boring the shit out of me. I don’t need your permission to travel anymore.”
“You’re leaving the Agency?”
“Yes. Don’t you people talk to security? I’ve already completed the paperwork. That’s seven. Next?”
“This is not McDonald’s, CJ, you don’t just hang up your apron and throw away your paper hat, pick up your last 80 dollars in wages and waltz away.”
“To quote someone you remind me quite a lot of actually, ‘Au contraire mon frère.’ And I’m done answering your questions and I’m not coming back tomorrow. Can I borrow this phone? It’s is a 1-800 number.”
“Mrs. Lee? I mean, is this Rachel’s mom?”
“Hello. I’m looking for Rachel. This is Conner Allen.”
“Yes ma’am, I’m the CJ in the newspaper.”
“Yes ma’am, I’ll hold.”
“Well, your mom has forgiven me.”
“She saw my picture and thinks I’m cute? Then don’t tell her I’m unemployed and I’m not really a lawyer.”
“I know Lucy, I know – I got some splainin’ to do. I’m calling you from CIA headquarters. Are you impressed?”
“Yes, your tax returns are now much more likely to be audited. I’ll be in Dallas in three or four days. I’m going to veg in DC with my family. Will you buy me dinner next week?”
“I have no money, that’s why; you have to buy. I’ll trade sex for food.”
“Your mom said not that cute. Oh well. Let her cook, then. Tell her I’m much more charming in person.”
“I’ll call you next week, probably sooner.”
“Me too. Bye.”
Meanwhile, upstairs in the 24-hour duty office, one of the analysts turned up the sound on one of the televisions. “This is CNN Breaking News: High-level sources within the Korean government have told CNN that the official report due out tomorrow will confirm that a senior Israeli advisor, Dani Maoz, committed suicide in a Seoul hotel during a visit to South Korea by the Israeli Prime Minister. Initial reports following the discovery of his body fueled speculation that Maoz was somehow involved in an international spy operation with Dallas attorney Conner Allen and was killed as part of a vendetta. The Israeli Prime Minister’s office released a statement praising Maoz for his many years of service to his country and praising the South Korean government for expediting the return of the un-autopsied body so that Maoz could be buried in accordance with Jewish customs. Maoz is survived by a wife and two children. A spokesman for the family said the three are moving to New York following the funeral and the traditional mourning period to be with relatives and that Mrs. Maoz was donating her husband’s pension to a planned memorial to honor all Israeli public servants. Back in Washington, a spokesman for the Central Intelligence Agency broke with the traditional no-comment policy and said that in the spirit of increased openness and public accountability, he had been authorized to say that Mr. Allen was not an Agency employee now nor had he ever been a member of the CIA, or an employee of or volunteer for the U.S. government. CNN could not reach Mr. Allen for comment, but a friend who had been traveling with him in Seoul said she thought he was out looking for tickets to the World Series.”
Assignment: Seoul
Copyright 2015 Allen H. Kupetz