by Sacchi Green
“He does know we’re not in the running for a Tony, doesn’t he?” Mari drawled. I stifled a laugh.
Later, as Mari and I stood in the wings waiting for our respective cues, I had a heightened sense of her presence—the whisper of her deep breathing and the fruity smell of her hair gel as she leaned toward me and stretched—things I’d never noticed about anyone else I’d done a show with.
She crunched on a Granny Smith apple she’d fished out of her bag as she wobbled on her character shoes. “These damn things never fit right. I have to get a new pair.” She tossed the core in the garbage and clutched at my shoulder, leaning most of her weight on me. “Don’t mind me. I think I have a pebble in here.”
I didn’t mind at all. In fact, I relished the pressure from her hand as she balanced herself on one foot.
“There, that’s better,” she said. “Hey, are you going to the Cantina tonight for drinks?”
I hadn’t planned to. Jason wanted me to meet him for coffee after rehearsal. “Are you?” I asked.
She raised an eyebrow at the absurdity of the question. “I teach kindergarten, so if I don’t do happy hour with the faculty on Fridays, then you better believe I’m going out with the cast after rehearsal. Besides, the Cantina has the most extraordinary veggie nachos. We can take one car if you’d like to save some gas.”
I thought about Jason’s reaction and smiled in spite of myself. “Who doesn’t want to save gas?”
“Since I have the hybrid, I’ll drive,” she said, and charged into her scene with fluid timing.
By around ten o’clock, six of us from the cast and crew had stuffed ourselves into a corner booth at the Cantina and were having a raucous time laughing at each other’s scene flubs and slipups earlier in the evening. I was shoulder to shoulder with Mari, savoring every sensuous experience from the tangy taste of the appetizers and drink to the tickle of her firm arm brushing against mine to the clean scent of her patchouli oil. As an added bonus, Mari was a laugh-leaner—every time she laughed, she would lean into the person who’d amused her. The moment I realized this, I practically turned into a stand-up comedienne.
“You’re a riot, Kim,” she cooed after composing herself enough to take a sip of her raspberry margarita.
“It’s true. You never realize how many words in the English language have S in them until you have a conversation with a person who lisps.”
She giggled again, and just as I was in the midst of secretly congratulating myself, my cell phone sang “The Name of the Game” from the Mamma Mia soundtrack. I looked down and was horrified to see it was Jason calling. How could I have forgotten to call and tell him I wasn’t going to meet him for coffee?
“I have to take this,” I said with a dour expression, and then hurried into the hall near the bathrooms. “Hello?” I answered as if I had no idea what the call was about.
“Where the hell are you?” he bellowed. “I waited twenty minutes at the coffee house, and now I’m at an empty theater.”
“I’m at the Cantina. I’m sorry. We were in such a rush I forgot to call you.”
“Nice. So now you’re blowing me off to hang out with the people you just spent all night with?” Suddenly, his clues weren’t so subtle. “That’s bullshit.”
“Jason, I didn’t mean to blow you off. Why don’t you come down here now and join us?” As soon as it came out, I hoped he wouldn’t say yes.
He was still steaming. “I mean is this how it’s going to be with this group?”
“Jason, you know part of the experience is hanging out and unwinding afterward. It’s nothing against you. You said you understood about this kind of stuff.”
“I do, but we had plans. I can’t friggin’ believe you forgot to call me.”
He sounded so hurt, and as much as I wanted to get back to the table, I couldn’t help feeling guilty. “Jason, I’m sorry.”
“How much longer are you going to be down there?”
“An hour or so. Maybe less.”
“Forget it. I’ll just see you tomorrow night. We are still on for our anniversary dinner tomorrow night, aren’t we?”
“Definitely. Good night.” The abruptness in my good-bye did little to corroborate my contrition. I rushed back to the table and slid in next to Mari.
“You’re not in trouble, are you?” she asked. The way she said it sounded more like a dare than an expression of concern.
“Of course not. I just reminded him this is what the cast does on Friday nights during the show. Isn’t it?”
“I’d say so with this crew.” She looked at me with eyes that brimmed with sensitivity. She understood something about me, although I had no idea what. I didn’t know what to say at that moment, but I couldn’t look away. “You are allowed to have a good time on your own, Kim.” She patted my leg just above the knee and took another sip of her margarita.
As the weeks blazed on, I regularly caught myself thinking about Mari. At work, at home, spending time with Jason, it didn’t matter—some random thought about her would sneak into my consciousness and sweep me away. The night of our anniversary, the last time Jason made love to me, I couldn’t keep my mind from wandering. When he kissed me, I imagined it was Mari’s lips trailing down my neck. When he penetrated me, it was with Mari’s fingers. I actually orgasmed that night, but it wasn’t Jason who’d brought me there. I left his place in the morning feeling dirty, trying to convince myself that those thoughts didn’t mean anything. It had to be because I was spending so much time with Mari at rehearsal.
The Sunday before we opened, I called and asked her if she could run lines with me that night, not an unusual request save for the fact that I knew my lines cold. I was still steeped in vigorous denial, but once again, Mari was one step ahead of me.
After we’d run through the last scene, she plopped down on her sofa and raked a hand through her hair. “See? I told you there’s nothing to worry about.”
I collapsed in a cushy chair across from her. “Well, in live theater there’s no such thing as too prepared.”
“That’s why I love performing with you. You have such respect for your craft.” She grinned and crossed her legs on the coffee table, folding her arms behind her head. “So, you wanna tell me the real reason you’re here? Does it have to do with Jason?”
Just when I’d thought I could relax. When, finally, my hands weren’t shaking and I wasn’t pulverizing breath mints to keep my mouth hydrated anymore. Now this. “What do you mean?” I stammered. “I’m nervous about the show.”
“You’re nervous about something, but I doubt it’s the show. You haven’t forgotten a line in rehearsal yet. Shit, you even know everyone else’s.”
I sighed and desperately tried to climb out of the hole I’d unwittingly dug. “All right,” I lied. “It is about Jason.” I conjured a pained facade.
“What’s the matter?” Her tone was so warm and comforting; I just wanted to crawl into her lap.
“We’re not getting along like we used to,” I said.
“Is it you or him?”
“I don’t know. We’re fighting all the time, especially since I started the show.”
“It’s probably because he’s feeling left out and missing you, that’s all,” she said. When I looked up from absently studying my cuticles, she was staring over at me with a seductive smile. “I can’t really blame him.”
I giggled but looked down again. The conversation was opening doors I wasn’t prepared to move through. “But there’s nothing wrong with him. He’s a good guy. It must be me.”
“Maybe it is you. You probably need some time to figure out what you want.”
“What I want?”
She shifted her position to Indian-style on the sofa, her tanned toes peeking out from under her knees. “Maybe you don’t want what it is you think you want.”
“What do you mean?” I said, flustered. “Like maybe I want a guy with blond hair or a different job? I’m not sure what…”
“Maybe not a guy
at all.” She threw it out there as casually as if we were ordering Chinese food.
“I don’t think so,” I said with an anxious chuckle.
Mari smiled and shrugged. “It’s not the end of the world if it’s true.”
“I know that. I’m cool with gay people. I have gay friends.”
“Present company included, I hope.” Another flirty smile.
Ripples of nerves shot through my stomach. “I should get going now. I have to get up for work in six hours.”
She draped her hand around my shoulder as she walked me to the door. “Look, I wouldn’t worry about anything, Kim. I’m sure things will be fine with you and Jason after the show closes.”
I stopped at the front door and gazed into her golden-flecked eyes. “Thanks.”
“Any time.” She rubbed the side of my shoulder. “Now relax. And think about everything I said. Just think about it.”
As I walked down the stone steps, I wasn’t sure which of Mari’s parting words left me feeling so unraveled—that I might be gay or that things would indeed be fine with Jason again.
Opening night was electric. The entire cast’s energy and timing were spot on, and for once, I delivered a nearly flawless performance. Mari hosted the opening night celebration after the show, cramming all of us into her quaint Cape on the beach. Although I enjoyed the company of everyone, my attention belonged solely to Mari. It was after one A.M. when the last guest left; last, that is, except me.
“Are you sure you’re all right to drive home?” Mari asked as I lingered at the front door.
“I had one wine cooler two hours ago,” I replied.
“I’ll take that as a ‘yes,’ ” she said. “That’s too bad. Tomorrow’s going to be a gorgeous day to relax out on the beach.” She turned and glanced out her French doors at the moonlight bobbing on the choppy water.
Was she trying to get me to stay over? “It is kind of late, and I do live almost an hour away,” I said.
She smiled knowingly. “I love it when the tide comes in this time of night. Would you like to look out at the water?”
“Sure.”
We leaned over the porch railing together, resting on our elbows, listening to the waves roll onto her slip of private beach.
“Wow,” I gushed. “It must be amazing to fall asleep to this sound every night.”
“It makes everything more amazing.” As she studied my face, her scent floated over me in the breeze.
She smelled delicious, and by now it was impossible to rationalize the way she was making me feel. She leaned in and gently kissed me. I should protest, shouldn’t I? Back away or something? But I didn’t want to. She cupped my cheek in her hand and kissed me again, slow, sensual kisses that were warm and wet and unlike anything I’d ever felt. I tingled all over as she wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me to her, slowly exploring my mouth with her tongue.
“You’re so beautiful, Kim,” she breathed. She stroked my arms with her painted fingernails, giving me chills in the warm night air. “I’d love to make love to you,” she whispered, and kissed my neck softly.
“I’ve never been with a woman before,” I said as my knees buckled from the pleasure of her touch.
“I know, honey,” she said, nibbling my earlobe.
Confused, nervous, and aroused beyond my wildest dreams, I wanted to hop over the railing and run away. “But I don’t know what to do.”
A low, sensual giggle vibrated in my ear. “You will when I’m through with you.” She led me in through the French doors, leaving them wide open. When she switched off the living room lamp, the flickering votives on the mantel and the full moon peering in through the doors illuminated our faces.
We stopped at her oversized sofa and kissed some more. Her hands spread out widely over my body, caressing my arms and lower back under my shirt. I dared to slide my hands down to her ass and squeezed.
“Oh, Kim,” she breathed.
I felt a surge between my legs like I’d never known. I was wet and throbbing and terrified. I’d never felt this with Jason or any other boyfriend. I didn’t know what it all meant, but I knew I didn’t want Mari to stop.
She pulled her own shirt off and then mine and lowered me onto her plush sofa. Her warm stomach felt so good against my skin as she licked my neck and exhaled in my ear. She unhooked my bra and dove onto my hard nipples, sucking one while rubbing the other. I wanted so badly to feel her fingers down there, to guide her hand onto me, but inhibition held me captive. So I lay there craving her as she slowly drove me insane with a marathon of erotic play.
When the last of our clothes finally came off, she kissed my stomach as she made her way down my body. The smell of the beach drifted in with the night breeze while Mari’s tongue tickled my thighs. I clutched the sofa cushions at the warmth of her breath and smoothness of her fingertips fondling the backs of my legs. Before I knew it, her firm tongue was on my clit. She took her time whirling around, teasing me to the point where I practically begged her to make me come. Finally she penetrated me, thrusting in and out, riveting my body with intense pulses of pleasure.
Normally quiet during sex, I heard myself gasping and groaning, calling out Mari’s name. I gripped the sofa cushions harder as my climax began rising, carrying me away to ecstasy. As I got louder, Mari grabbed my hips tightly and drilled her tongue into me until I came harder than I’d ever imagined doing. “Holy shit,” I gasped as my legs shuddered.
She snuggled up to me while I caught my breath. “Did you like that?” she asked, and kissed my cheeks and nose.
“You were right. Everything’s better by the shore.”
After a few moments of nuzzling, Mari took my hand and placed it on her pussy. She was silky and wet, and she started slowly moving my fingers up and down, letting me take control gradually. She moaned in my ear and pumped away in time with the rhythm of my hand as she began climaxing. It was so hot watching her orgasm! She’d aroused me all over again.
It was somewhere around four A.M. by the time we were both satiated enough to fall asleep entwined in her Egyptian cotton sheets.
The next morning I sat on the warped wood of Mari’s back porch watching the seagulls swoop down on the rocky shore at low tide.
“What are you doing up so early? It’s only ten after seven,” Mari said at the back door. When I didn’t answer, she padded outside in her bare feet and sat down next to me. “Why are you crying?”
“I don’t know,” I said, wiping my cheek with the side of my hand.
She shaded her eyes from the bright morning sun. “Do you feel weird about last night?”
“No, last night was incredible. I think that’s what’s making me feel weird.”
She gently rubbed my back. “Some people think coming out to the world takes guts.” She shook her head with certainty. “Coming out to yourself takes more guts than anything.”
“So am I a lesbian?” I asked, choking back my jumbled emotions.
Mari squeezed my shoulder. “I can’t answer that for you, honey. But based on your responses last night, I’d say you’re at least halfway there.”
I laughed through a sob. “How do I find out for sure?”
“You have to be honest with yourself. It’ll be easier to figure out if you can do that.”
“I care about Jason, but I don’t feel for him what I feel for you. I’ve never felt that way about any guy I’ve dated.”
She grinned. “What do you feel for me?”
I sighed and just started babbling. “I don’t know. I think about you all the time, and when I know I’m going to see you, I get all jittery. I hate saying good night, and at rehearsal, I hate it when you talk to other people. And when we’re not at rehearsal, I try to think up excuses to call you. And sometimes when I look at you—I forget to breathe.” I clammed up when I finally noticed the astonished look on Mari’s face. “I’m in love with you, aren’t I?”
“It would appear that way.” She sighed and leaned forward, staring pens
ively out across the water.
“What’s the matter?” I said, sensing her distance.
“I wasn’t very responsible last night,” she said, clasping her fingers together.
Her tone was disquieting. “What do you mean?”
“I knew you were attracted to me, but, god, I never thought you could be in love with me. I just figured it was an experience we’d both enjoy.”
I cleared my throat bravely. “And you don’t have those feelings for me.”
“I didn’t say that. The thing is I’m eleven years older than you. I’ve been out forever, and I’m comfortable with who I am and what I want.”
I licked the last tear from my lip and felt my ears getting hot. “So then you used me?”
“No, of course I didn’t. Frankly, I don’t want to be used by you. I’d rather not be the test case that either sends you back the other way or serves as a springboard for your new life as a socially active lesbian. I really could fall for you, Kim, but I know the timing isn’t right for us.”
“How could you be so sure?”
She stood up and loomed over me, full of arrogance. “Because I know how these things work; I’ve seen it before. Some older, supposedly wiser woman gets all worked up over an ingénue she leads to her sexual awakening, only to get dumped when the little dykling flies off to discover what treasures the exotic and enticing lesbian world has to offer.”
I said nothing for a moment, challenging her with a cold, penetrating stare. “Fine, Mari. I get it. We had our one night of passion. You fucked me so good I could never go back to guys even if I wanted to. So now what? When the show closes, we just go our separate ways?”
“We’ll have to play it by ear,” she said.
I hugged my knees and fumed silently.
“Kim, we’d be making a huge mistake jumping into something.”
“Maybe I should just stay with Jason,” I said.
“And you’d be cheating two people with that decision,” she said. She trudged back inside and stopped at the screen door. “Make that three.”