by J. S. Cooper
“Enough,” I stepped forward and shouted. “Lola will not be making a choice tonight.” I looked around the room and glared at Casper and Stephan. “I will not subject her to this anymore. We’re leaving.”
“If you leave, Xavier, you will be giving up any chance you may have had at gaining access to the inner circle of the Society of Brother’s,” Charles said and looked at me, his eyes in disbelief at what I’d just said.
“Fuck the inner circle,” I growled and grabbed Lola’s arm. “Fuck the inner circle and all of you. I won’t do this to Lola anymore. I love her too much for this. I’m sorry, Lola.” I looked into her shocked face. “I’m so sorry that I’ve done this to you. Please say you can forgive me?”
She gazed back at me with wide eyes, unspeaking. I could see the shock in her face. She almost looked shell-shocked. It had all been too much. I realized that now. I’d been terribly selfish and we were both going to pay for that. We were both already paying for it. “I’m done with this madness,” I said as I looked directly at Stephan. “It’s over,” I said, my voice sounding almost hysterical. I pulled Lola towards me and walked to the door. “It’s over, Lola,” I said as she cuddled into me, tears rolling down her face as we exited. My heart felt heavy as we walked through the building. I had messed up big time and I wasn’t sure how I was going to fix it. As we got into the car after she’d gotten dressed, I stared at her forlorn face and my heart broke. I was angry with myself and I was scared. I had made us leave because I was ashamed of myself for putting Lola through this whole ordeal, but I’d also made us leave because I’d been scared that she was going to choose Stephan. Though, I wasn’t scared at the thought of not making it into the inner circle; I was scared because it meant that I could possibly lose Lola. And there was no way in hell that I was going to let that happen.
Chapter Sixteen
Lola
There’s a feeling between happiness and sadness. It’s a sort of melancholy that hovers over your soul, wanting to suck you in. It’s the place where tears hang out, wanting to be shed. It’s the place where laughter hides, lost in an abyss of the unknown. This place is like a void, the purgatory of the living. It’s a place that makes you ache, though no limbs hurt, and no painkillers can take away the numbness. Numb head, unseeing eyes, mute voice, and unfeeling heart. All of these make up this feeling. This is the feeling that I now found myself in. This is the feeling that occupied my days and made it hard for me to sleep at night. This is the place where I currently resided. I looked at Xavier and a part of me wondered at how much I hated him and loved him at the same time. How could I love and hate someone so much at the same time? I also wondered if I’d ever get out of that place. Would I ever laugh the youthful, eager, happy naïve laugh of my youth? That thought always made me smile and gave me hope. I hadn’t lost my sense of humor, even through all of this. I knew that part of these feelings stemmed from the fact that Xavier hated me and the other part stemmed from the fact that I hated myself.
“What are you going to do today?” Xavier asked me loudly as he opened my bedroom door and walked into my room. He’d taken to talking to me loudly now, as if I were a hard-of-hearing senior citizen. I knew he thought that this was the only way to reach me. It’d been a week since the tests and I still didn’t feel right about everything. We hadn’t really spoken about what happened and we hadn’t made love, either. I’d barely been able to look at him or myself. I felt ashamed of myself every time I thought of that night. I felt ashamed because I felt dirty and I felt ashamed because I reveled in being dirty in the moment. We’d attempted to talk the night he’d taken me home. I’d told him that I was going to choose him. I was going to choose the man with the feather. He’d been angry and told me that hadn’t been him. He’d been the one who had been sucking on my breasts. It had shocked me and I’d told him that I had enjoyed that more, but I’d thought it had been Stephan. I’d tried to explain that I had actually preferred him more, but I hadn’t thought it was him. I hadn’t explained it well because it had made him even angrier. And then we’d just stopped talking about it. It wasn’t something either of us had wanted to relive.
“I don’t know.” I sat up in the bed and looked away from his handsome face. Looking into his green eyes always made me feel guilty. I could still remember the look of hurt on his face when I told him that I’d thought Stephan had been the one sucking on my breasts that night. It had shocked him as much as it had shocked me that I’d told him the truth. I knew how hurt he felt. I knew how betrayed. I knew how confused he must have been because I felt confused as well. I’d felt like someone else was living inside of my body. How could I have had those feelings of excitement for another man?
“You should go out.” He came and sat down on the side of my bed. His voice was lower now and the room suddenly became tense. “I’m going to London next week.”
“Oh?” I said, my heart racing. What did that mean?
“I think we should both go.”
“I see.” I looked at him then. Was this it? Were we over? “So, do you still want me to be your assistant?” I asked him the only question I was brave enough to voice.
“Assistant?” He frowned. “What are you talking about?”
“You want to go back to teaching, don’t you?”
“I don’t know.” He shook his head and then grasped my hands. “I want you to come back to me, Lola. I want brash and funny and courageous Lola to come back to me and tell me what she thinks and feels at all times. I want to be put in my place. I want the woman I first met to challenge me and hit me. Hate me if you want. Scream at me. Do whatever you have to, but please stop freezing me out.”
“But you hate me.” I sucked on my lower lip, my heart racing at his words. “I’m ashamed of myself and I hate that—” My voice trailed off as I stared at him.
“Stop, Lola.” His voice was rough and heartbreaking in its texture. “This isn’t your fault. This is all me. This is what happens when men play games, Lola.” His voice was now loud and angry. “I wanted to be part of the system so I could change it, but I was part of the problem.”
“I just feel like I let you down and I let myself down as well,” I said weakly, still feeling sorry for myself.
“You didn’t let anyone down.” Xavier was almost scolding me. “I’m the one that took you there. I should have known what was going to happen.”
“But I came, Xavier,” I whispered and looked down in shame. I knew we had to have this conversation out completely. I knew we had to discuss everything if we were to ever move on. “I’m so ashamed of myself, Xavier. I can’t even look at you,” I said, my face burning as I thought back to that night again. I could still feel the way my whole body had buckled as Stephan had brought me to a climax with his knuckles and a feather. “I feel so ashamed of myself. I can barely look you in the face.”
“It’s not for you to feel ashamed.” He grabbed me under my chin and pulled my face up to look at him. “Your body reacted in the only way it knew how, Lola. You shouldn’t have been put in that position in the first place. I shouldn’t have done that to you. I’m so sorry, Lola. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I could make it so none of this happened.”
“Do you hate me, though? Can you ever forgive me?”
“There is nothing for me to forgive, beautiful.” He kissed me softly on the lips. “It is me that needs your forgiveness, Lola. It is me that is begging you for another chance. I love you so much.”
“This isn’t love, Xavier!” I screamed at him as I banged my hands against his chest. “You don’t love me. I’m just a possession to you. I’m just a girl you decided to use to get what you want.”
“That’s not true,” he said, his voice surprisingly soft as he grabbed my wrists.
“You don’t love me,” I whimpered as tears gushed out of my eyes. I looked at Xavier and I saw his expression change. It went from concerned to sad and I was overcome with emotions. “I hate you, I hate you for doing this to me.”
&
nbsp; “I hate me, too.” He nodded in agreement. “I fucked up, Lola. I fucked up bad. I got you involved in something that I didn’t even want to be involved in myself. I made a mistake. A really big mistake. I don’t know what I can do to make this better. Maybe it will never be better and maybe you will never trust me. However, there is one thing I know for certain. One thing I can guarantee you. And that is that I do love you. I love you more than I could love anyone.”
“How do you know?” I gasped, wanting to believe him so badly, but not really believing. “How do you know that you love me? Is it because you saw another man making me come?” I screamed.
I watched as he winced and he grabbed my face again and looked at me, his green eyes looking sad and weary. “I want to take you somewhere. I want to take you somewhere so I can show you how much I love you and so you can forgive me.”
I stared at him then and kissed him softly on the lips. I put my fingers in his hair and pulled him into me for a few seconds and breathed in his essence before pulling back. “I forgive you, Xavier,” I said softly. “But I don’t know if I’ll ever believe that you really love me,” I said with a sad face and jumped out of the bed. I looked down at him as he sat there, his regal face in despair and my heart sank for what had happened to us. “I just don’t know if I can ever forget this,” I said as tears started to run down my face. Xavier stood up and pulled me into his arms and I rested my head against his shoulder and cried. We stood there in the room, silently, his hands rubbing my back to comfort me as I cried, both for the loss of trust in our relationship and the complete and utter loss of my own innocence.
***
“Where are we going?” I asked Xavier with a confused expression as I looked out of the car window. “I don’t recognize where we are at all.”
“We’re going to my favorite place,” he said and his voice was a lot more cheerful than it had been just a few hours ago as I’d cried into his arms.
“Your favorite place?” I asked him and stared at his profile as he drove. “Your bedroom?” I joked lightly, but he didn’t laugh. I suppose it was not the right time to be making sex jokes.
“You’ll see,” he said softly and gave me a quick look. “How was your nap?”
“Good.” I nodded. “I feel refreshed.” I stretched my arms and smiled at him. I took a deep breath and realized that I felt better than I had in days. I supposed that fresh air and getting out of the palace really had made a difference.
“You must have been tired,” he said and I nodded, even though I knew he couldn’t see me. “It’s from all the crying you’ve been doing.”
“I suppose,” I said, feeling somewhat embarrassed.
“You’ve been crying and I’ve been hitting,” he continued and I turned to him in surprise.
“Hitting who?” I said, my voice breathless, imagining him pummeling Stephan to the ground.
“Not who, but what,” he said, his voice amused as he rounded a corner. “I was hitting a punching bag.”
“Oh, okay.” I felt myself exhale, though I was slightly disappointed.
“In preparation for my big fight,” he continued and chuckled slightly.
“Big fight?” I asked breathlessly.
“I’m joking.” He laughed and all of a sudden the tenseness in me suddenly disappeared and I found myself laughing with him.
“You see, I can be funny,” he said as he pulled off of the road suddenly. “I’m glad I still have the ability to make you laugh, Lola,” he said and I felt him give my hand a quick squeeze. I held on to the armrest tightly as I gazed in front of us. It appeared to me that we were driving through the middle of a field and there was no actual road guiding us along.
“I never said you’re not funny,” I said breathlessly as I stared at the green grass we were plowing through.
“I don’t mean funny looking,” he said and I felt his right hand on my leg suddenly, squeezing my kneecap.
“No one thinks you’re funny looking,” I said with a laugh, my hand covering his. “What are you doing, Xavier?”
“I’m taking you to my favorite place. I already told you that.”
“You know that’s not what I mean,” I said and gasped as I saw a field full of flowers before us. Xavier slowed down the car and then stopped.
“We’re here,” he said and jumped out of the car. I sat there in a daze as I waited for him to open my door. I was still dazed as he leaned over and undid my seatbelt. “You okay?” he asked gently, his eyes concerned as he stared at me.
“I’m fine.” I nodded, not sure why I was suddenly so overcome with emotion. “This is a beautiful place,” I said, my voice breathless as I gazed at his face so close to mine.
“It couldn’t be any more fitting.” Xavier nodded. “A beautiful destination for a beautiful woman.”
“I’m not beautiful,” I mumbled and Xavier frowned.
“You’re the most beautiful woman in the world, Lola. You’re the blooming flower that every bud hopes to be.”
“You’re just saying that,” I said as I blushed and stepped out of the car.
“Why would I say that?” he asked as he closed the door.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged and looked around. “Why are we here?”
“I wanted to show you how much I love you.” He guided me through the flowers until we came upon a river. I gasped at the sight as it almost reminded me of Monet’s gardens.
“This is a really special place,” I said softly as he guided me towards a chair swing. He sat down and I sat down next to him.
“Do you want to know how I know that I love you?” Xavier turned to me with a serious expression.
I nodded back silently, not wanting to say anything to ruin the moment.
“I know I love you because I feel everything you feel. When you are sad, I am sad and drawn into an abyss of despair. When you’re happy, my heart is soaring. When you cry, I not only want to wipe your tears away and stop the hurt, I want to cry as well. I feel everything you feel, Lola. You’re a part of me. Your soul is my soul. Your heart is my heart. Your hurt is my hurt. Your love is my love. You’re the part of me that has been missing all my life and I’m the part of you that has been missing. We weren’t whole until we found each other. And now you complete me and I complete you. We are meant to be one.”
“I, I...” My voice trailed off because I didn’t know what to say. I was so captivated by him, by this place, by my emotions. I wanted to pause this moment so I could live it forever.
“Do you know why I brought you here?” Xavier said softly as he gazed at me.
“Because you love me,” I said after a few seconds, the realization suddenly dawning on me that it was true. Xavier Van Romerius really did love me. For all of his faults and for all of his cockiness, he was in love with me. He’d told me, of course, but it hadn’t really hit me until this moment.
“Yes, I do, Lola Franklin. I love you very much,” he said and grabbed my hands. “And I brought you here because this is my favorite place in the world. This is the place I come to when I’m sad and lonely. This is the place I come to when I’m in despair. This is the place that always makes me feel better. I brought you here, Lola, because I realized that this would be the place that would provide you comfort as well. I knew that because I knew that I loved you. And I know that our love is special. I brought you here because I knew that just as I am a part of you, you are a part of me. And I knew that if you were a part of me, then you would appreciate this place as much as I do.”
“Oh, Xavier,” I cried out, pulling him into my arms. My heart was full and I kissed him hard. I couldn’t believe that it was my Xavier saying these words. My sex-on-legs. When had he become such a romantic? And that was how I knew he was being genuine. That’s how I knew his feelings for me were real and that what we had really was special. Xavier wasn’t the sort of man to spout off romantic nonsense to make someone feel better. He was the sort of man who would only say such things if he really meant them.
> “Oh, Xavier,” I said again, gazing into his dazzling green eyes. “I love you. I really and truly love you.”
“I love you too,” he said and pulled me up. “In fact, I’m going to show you how much I love you right now.” He leaned over and pulled my top off. “Take off all your clothes,” he said and stepped back. “And then lie down on the ground.”
“What?” I said, my eyes widening.
“Do as I say,” he said with a smirk and I hurriedly took my clothes off and lay on the grass. It felt weird beneath my naked body. The grass was slightly cold and the ground was slightly hard, but I didn’t think about that for very long. I watched as Xavier took his clothes off and threw them onto the ground next to mine. I stared up at his magnificent naked body and swallowed hard as he joined me on the ground.