“Look, if they put our video on ARGGH!, we’ll just have to write to Hunter and let him know it’s fake,” I said. “They’ll probably take away our credentials, but after the past forty-eight hours, I think I’m done with deception.” Clyde nodded sadly. We had no other choice.
A week later, I was about to leave for Clyde’s to watch the newest episode of ARGGH! My stomach was in knots. I was dreading the possibility of seeing our video afterward. But as I headed for the door, my sisters called out to me from the living room.
“Lincoln, where are you going? Aren’t you going to watch ARRGH! with us?”
I stopped in my tracks. “Wait … you guys actually want to watch that show?”
“Of course. We want to see ourselves on TV!”
I shook my head. I sure didn’t.
Just then, the doorbell rang. It was Clyde, holding a tub of homemade banana pudding.
“I got Lori’s text about watching the show at your house,” he said. “But don’t worry, I came prepared.” He pulled down his night-vision goggles and stumbled inside. I sighed and led him over to the couch. No turning back now.
I’m sure it was a great episode, but I was so nervous about the video spotlight at the end that I could barely concentrate on what was happening. I think Hunter was tracking the spirit of a crazed cruise ship captain or an angry elevator operator, I can’t remember. My stomach lurched as he wrapped up the hunt and turned to the camera.
“All right, ARGGH! cadets, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for—our first-ever Cadet Spotlight!”
“I can’t look,” I said.
“Put on your goggles,” said Clyde, still wearing his.
On-screen, Hunter faced the camera with a serious expression.
“We received thousands of submissions for this first spotlight. Some were bone-chilling. Others were unexpectedly hilarious. And a few were simply … masterpieces.”
The first still from our video flashed on-screen. My heart sank. My sisters cheered.
“We’re famous!” Lola squealed. I covered my eyes, too ashamed to watch.
Hunter went on. “The next video you’re about to see is clearly a creation.”
“Wait, what?” I said, looking up. Clyde ripped off his goggles and gaped at the screen.
“And while it may not be real, never have I seen such a beautiful simulation of the work we do. Only true ARGGH! cadets could create such a masterful ode to the art of ghost hunting. Cadets Lincoln and Clyde, from Royal Woods, Michigan, my night-vision goggles are off to you.”
“And us!” added Lynn. “Woo! Roll the tape!”
The video began. I looked at Clyde in disbelief.
“Hunter didn’t strip us of our credentials!” I exclaimed.
“He applauded our work!” Clyde cried.
“Don’t you mean our work?” asked Luan.
As the video played, my sisters proudly pointed out their contributions to the paranormal activity.
“Nice work with those pulleys, Lynn,” said Lana.
“Lori, that phone trick is totes genius,” said Leni.
“Could you make me a copy of this song, Luna?” asked Lucy. “I’ve been looking to expand my funeral playlist.”
I peered closely at the screen, spotting something in the bottom right corner that I hadn’t noticed up in the attic before. The holy grail of paranormal activity: two floating orbs.
“Cool! Which one of you made those?” I asked, pointing to the faint, floating orbs that shimmered in the flickering attic lights. My sisters all exchanged blank looks.
“I didn’t,” Lori said.
“Neither did I, dude,” added Luna.
“Even if I possessed the proper equipment to generate a hologram, those orbs appear to be composed of something else entirely,” Lisa mused. My sisters grew silent, staring at the screen in confusion. Clyde and I looked at each other, eyebrows raised, then leapt up from the couch at the same time, knocking over the pudding.
“You ready to do this again, Cadet Clyde?” I exclaimed.
“You know it, Cadet Lincoln!” He grinned and grabbed his video camera.
“Time to get our ghost!”
“Lincoln, can you hold Hops while I clean out his cage?”
“Lincoln, I need you to teach me how to Hula-Hoop.”
“Lincoln, will you help me polish my coffins?”
Sisters. They all want a piece of you.
Picture this: I’m Lincoln Loud, minding my own business in my linen-closet-turned-bedroom, doing a little dance in my undies because it’s Saturday.
But not just any old regular no-big-deal-nothing-to-do Saturday. Today was the most exciting Saturday in the history of weekends! I had freedom (my parents were away all day at a seminar on singing to your houseplants to help them grow). I had quarters (Captain Coinbottom, my piggybank, was practically too heavy to carry). And I had a quest: be the first in line with Clyde at the arcade to play Marshmallow Martian Blasters.
What’s Marshmallow Martian Blasters, you ask? It’s only the most legendary, full-size, never-been-played-before video game known to kid-kind. It was one of the first games to appear in arcades when our parents were in grade school. No kid living has ever seen it in real life. Like Bigfoot.
Only, we’ve managed to find it!
And it’s coming to Gus’ Games N’ Grub.
“Lincoln!” Luna pounded on my door, interrupting my undies dance. “Project Day meeting in five minutes!”
No.
NO.
Nooooooo.
Not Project Day. Not today!
I flopped down on my bed and groaned into my pillow. This ruined everything. Why did Lori have to invent this miserable tradition, anyway?
Project Day is just what it sounds like: a day full of projects. In a house with eleven kids, two parents, four pets, and one Vanzilla, someone is always trying to get something done. Usually several someones, and they all need help.
I admit, Project Day can be pretty handy when you want to build a bike ramp in the backyard but can’t do it by yourself. In a family this size, there’s always someone with the skills you need to get your project done. Everyone helps everyone, knowing that the next time Project Day rolls around, the favor will be returned.
Like I said, it’s not a bad deal—unless you already have plans. Big plans. Important plans. Intergalactically pivotal plans! Why todaaaayyyyy? Whyyyyyyyy?
“Lincoln—er, Firesticks! Are you there? Come in, Firesticks!” Clyde’s voice crackled from my walkie-talkie. “Are you ready for Operation Be First in Line to Play Marshmallow Martian Blasters and Get the High Score? Over.”
I stretched my leg out and grabbed the walkie with my toes—a skill I spent one very bored week last summer perfecting while all my sisters were sick—and pressed the button to talk to Clyde.
“I’m here, but I have bad news, buddy.” I took a deep breath. “Lori’s decided—”
“That she’s done with old Too-Tall McSkinnyPants and is in the market for someone new?” I could practically hear Clyde smoothing his hair.
“Clyde! Focus! It’s bad.” I slid down to the floor. “She’s instituting Project Day. Today.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“No.”
“Yes.”
“Lincoln, this ruins everything!”
“I know! What am I going to do?”
More pounding on my door, this time from Lola. “You better be getting dressed, Lincoln. No one wants to see you in your underwear!”
“Clyde, they’re coming for me. How do I get out of this?” I jumped up and began stuffing my backpack with clothes, comics, and my secret stash of fruit leather. The situation was dire. I might have to run away.
“Lincoln, this is bad. Over.”
“I know.”
“Like, really bad. Over. Project Days can last forever! Over.”
“I know! Clyde, you’re not helping. Over.”
“Sorry. Okay, let’s just take a minut
e to breathe. …” I could hear Clyde inhaling and exhaling so deep I was getting dizzy. “Of course! We need an Operation.”
Right. “A new Operation,” I said.
“A Get Out of Project Day Operation.”
“A Get Out of Project Day Without Making Everyone Mad Operation.”
“A Divert and Distract Escape Operation?” asked Clyde.
I considered it. That had worked well for me in the past, but … “No, I think more of a Fool My Sisters and Then Walk Merrily Away Operation.”
“Ah, a Help with Project Day Without Actually Helping Operation. Classic.”
“A Be Really Eager but Absolutely Useless So No One Will Want My Help and I Can Sneak Away Without Anyone Knowing What I’m Really Up To Operation.”
“Lincoln, that’s genius!”
It really was. “And I haven’t even gotten to the best part. Every Project Day has a Floater, and if I can convince everyone to pick me, I won’t be tied to one certain project. I’ll float around, and no one will know where I’m supposed to be. When I disappear, no one will even know I’m gone. Poof!”
“Whoa … you’re an inspiration. I’m proud to call you my best friend.”
“Thanks, Clyde. Me too.” Part of me knew that didn’t even make sense, but I was so impressed with myself I let it slide and did a somersault off the bed, landing in a gloriously awkward heap that did nothing to dampen my enthusiasm. “This is totally going to work. Marshmallow Martian Blasters, here we come!”
Lori and Leni’s room was full of sisters and chatter as I raced inside and hurled myself onto Leni’s bed. “Hey, guys! Happy Project Day!”
Everyone stopped and stared at me. Lola reached over and touched my forehead. “Do you have a fever? Why are you being weird?”
I batted her hand away and grinned at everyone. “Who’s being weird? I’m just excited!”
Lori sighed. “Whatever, Lincoln. We have a busy day ahead of us, so let’s get started.”
Everyone shrugged and went back to what they were doing. Except Lucy. She was still watching me.
Or maybe she wasn’t. It was hard to tell under all those bangs. I pretended to pick my nose, just to see if she was watching me or not.
Lucy made a face. “Gross, Lincoln.”
Whoops. Guess she was.
Lori pounded her shoe on the dresser like a judge with a gavel. “Project Day meeting will now come to order. First order of business: The Listing of The Projects. Coin toss to decide which sequence we go in.” She pointed her shoe around the room. “Who has a coin?”
I hastily fished a quarter out of my pocket—courtesy of Captain Coinbottom’s bottom—and tossed it to her. “Here, it’s on me.”
Lori caught the quarter and looked at it, then over at me. “Thanks. Wait, are you sure you’re not up to something? You’re being awfully helpful.”
“That’s because I’m a helpful guy!”
TO BE CONTINUED …
Who Ghost There? Page 5