“I know. I’m so sorry. Is Dad there? I’d like to talk to him. I want to explain it myself. He needs to hear my apology.”
“Rusty, your father’s not doing well. He’s been in and out of the hospital. He had a stroke a couple of months ago and it paralyzed his left side. He’s doing better, but I can tell a big difference.”
Guilty couldn’t even begin to explain how I felt hearing the news of my father’s health. I sat there silently trying to come to grips with the fact that I could have missed the opportunity to say goodbye to someone else in my life. It grabbed at my heart, and tore me up. “How bad is it?”
“He spends most of his time in a recliner. The nurse comes once a week to get him up moving around. I try to do it myself, but he’s so stubborn. He complains all the time, but that lets me know he’s still with us. That man will complain up until the Lord takes him.” She was quiet for a moment. “Where are you, Russell? Are you calling because you want to come home? After all this time, I think it would do us all some good to see each other.”
I watched Isabella come into the room and sit down across from me. She must have sensed the pain in my eyes, because she reached across the table and grabbed my hand. It wasn’t much, but it gave me strength. “I’m in Kentucky. I’ve been here for two years, working on a ranch.”
“And you’re okay?”
“Actually, I’m better than okay. Mom, I met somebody. She’s helped me through a lot. We’ve been together for a little while now, and we’re expecting a baby.”
The line seemed like it had disconnected. I sat there, staring across the table, praying that my mother hadn’t keeled over and passed out.
“Mom, are you still there?”
“Ye..yes. I’m still here. Give me a second to sit down, son.” I could hear her scuffling around before she got back on the line. “Please tell me you’re going to come home and let us meet this person that’s helped you. It would mean everything to me. I’ve worried about you so much. For the longest time I wondered if something terrible had happened to you. I can’t tell you how good it is to hear the voice of my son again.”
I didn’t even hesitate. “We can come this weekend.”
“We’re not living in the same place, Russell.”
“Oh. Well, if you don’t have room we can get a room nearby,”
“I think before you make that decision you need to know something. When you left we understood your reasoning, but you have to keep in mind that it was hard for us too. Your father worked so hard to be able to leave you with a good life. The practice was supposed to be your future. He went back to work, up until his stroke. He hired another vet to rent the space and manage the clientele, but we get a percentage of the profits. The business is still in our name.”
“Dad came out of retirement for me? He didn’t have to do that. I knew what leaving meant for my occupation.”
“He did it because he knew you were broken. We hoped that one day you’d come home and want to live again.”
It was hard to imagine that my dad worked until his body started to give out on him. I’d put that added stress on him. I’d been the reason that he was so bad off. “Jesus, I’m so sorry. You must think I’m a coward. He probably can’t stand me.”
“I think that we all have our own ways of dealing with pain. You did what you needed to do, and so did your father. He was holding onto hope.”
“I still feel terrible.”
“Rusty, he didn’t just come out of retirement for you. We sold the old house and purchased yours when it went up for auction last year. We couldn’t lose the one thing in this town that reminded us of you and the girls. Plus, you’d done so much work to the place. We didn’t want you to not have a home to come back to.”
It was too much to bear. I sat the phone down on the table and turned it on speaker as I wept, right in front of my girlfriend. She got out of the chair and rushed to my side, holding me, and offering me comfort.
“Russell, are you there, son?”
“Yeah,” I sniffled. “I’m still here.”
“It’s up to you if you want to stay in the house. We didn’t change much. The pictures are still out and everything. I know it’s a lot to take in.”
I didn’t know how I was going to walk into that house and see the walls filled with memories of them. “We’ll be there Friday around dinner time. Don’t do anything special for us.”
“We love you, son. I just want you to know that. Your dad and I aren’t going to live forever. You’re our only child, so we wanted to leave you with something you’d treasure, instead of our old place. I hope you understand.”
I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. “I love you too. We’ll see you in a few days.”
“I’ll prepare us a nice dinner. I can’t wait to tell your father. See you then.”
When we hung up I covered my face with my hands and sat there at the table finally losing control over my emotions. This trip home wasn’t just to see my parents, it was to see if I was ready to move forward. I couldn’t tell Isabella about my concerns. She didn’t need to know that I obviously still had demons to deal with. It wasn’t like they could come between us.
I hoped.
Isabella let me calm down before asking me to explain what had happened. She was so patient with me, only reminding me more of how far we’d come as a couple. I know we were working for the common goal of being a family, but our hearts were also in the same place, which helped.
Though difficult, I was able to tell her about my dad’s health, and the ultimate sacrifice they’d made in hopes that I’d come home one day. Her pregnancy hormones kicked into full gear as I explained that part. We spent the rest of the morning comforting each other.
What brought us out of our depressing mood was feeling our little girl kicking. She’d been doing it for a couple months, but each day they were getting more prominent. I loved feeling her little body moving around, reminding me that she be with us soon enough. I think my conversation with my mom didn’t give her enough time to take in the fact that I’d announced I was going to be a father again. She’d see soon enough, and the tears we shed today wouldn’t compare.
The bottom line was that I knew I couldn’t move forward until I left the past behind. In order to do that I had to face it. With Isabella by my side I was going to do it, because her love was my reason for wanting to live again in the first place.
Chapter 32
Rusty
Isabella took off on Friday so we could get an early start on our drive to Indiana. The last time we’d taken this journey it had been for a different reason. She says she never would have went through with an abortion, but I’d like to think that I made sure of it. It was also the first time that we’d made love.
Passing by the hotel that it happened in brought back all of the memories of that night. She turned to look at me, full of smiles. “I know what you’re thinkin’, Rusty.”
I nodded. “You’re damn right I’m thinking it.” I was trying to keep my mind off of what was about to happen when I pulled up at my old house that I shared with my wife and daughter. “The moment I went between those legs you knew you wanted more.”
She giggled and pulled her legs up on the seat. “Don’t flatter yourself.”
I ran one hand over her smooth skin. “I don’t have to. You know it’s the truth. Do I need to remind you what you sound like when my tongue hits that little clit of yours?”
It was turning me on talking about it. When I looked over she was blushing. A sudden jolt from my dick reminded me how great it was to wake up naked next to her each morning. “Behave, or I’ll pull this truck over and take you right in the back of it, pregnant belly and all.”
She crossed her arms. “Stop it. You wouldn’t do that.”
I pulled over the vehicle, just to be funny. Her arm started flailing as she began freaking out.
“Rusty, stop. Oh my god, I am not gettin’ naked out in public. Have you seen my body?”
I looked her up and down, while still chuckling to myself. “Yeah. I see it everyday. Your ass has really filled out by the way. When you bend over I feel like getting some of that every time.”
She lightly slapped my arm. “Cut it out. You’re not funny, mister. Get back to drivin’. My legs hurt, and I’ve got to pee.”
“You really know how to kill the mood, babe.”
She took her fingernails and ran them over my jeans, right between my legs. “Don’t worry. I know how to start it back up again.”
It was a shame that we’d started pulling on the road to my old house. I tensed up immediately, realizing that in a matter of minutes I wouldn’t be smiling. It took everything in me to squeeze her hand and pretend to smile.
She knew what was wrong when I put the truck in park and looked at the white house with the wrap around front porch. I remember painting the shutters blue, and almost falling off the ladder on the last one. In the living room windows hung the curtains that Simone had sewn herself. I took a few deep breaths and stared at the steering wheel.
Isabella put her hand on my back. “You okay?”
“I’m not sure yet.”
“I’m sorry for askin’ you to do this, Rusty. Do you want to go home?”
I turned to face her. “I do, but I need to do this, for you and for our future. We can’t move forward until we deal with the past.”
She leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. “Just remember that you’re not alone. I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”
We stepped out of the truck and I carried our bags up to the front porch. Isabella stood by my side as I opened the door. It was so difficult walking in and recognizing the smell of being home. I focused on the hardwood flooring, instead of the furniture and pictures that I knew were hanging. “Mom. It’s me.”
She looked the same as she did the day I left. Wearing an apron, she stepped out of the kitchen opening and approached us. Her arms opened and I leaned down to hug her, and felt a rush of warmth hitting my eyes. The tears were easy to choke back and hide, especially considering what happened next. “My son. I missed you so much. You look so healthy.”
I heard my mother gasp, and pulled away frantically to figure out what was wrong. I followed her eyes to see what had her so worked up. Then I saw what she saw.
Isabella.
Except that’s not who she saw at all.
My mother stared at her like she was seeing a ghost. I hadn’t even noticed the transformation until this very moment. In her pregnancy she’d gained weight in her face, making her almost a twin to my deceased wife, Simone.
If there were ever a time when I didn’t want them compared to each other it was now. I put my arm around my girlfriend and pulled her close to me, knowing that she was fully aware of what was going on. She looked to me with worried eyes. “Mom, this is Isabella Mitchell. Isabella, this is my mom, Janice Tillman.”
My mother didn’t move. “Nice to meet you.”
Iz, smiled, but couldn’t bring herself to say anything. As the seconds passed without a single sound, I knew I was going to have to separate them to be able to calm my mother. “The bathroom is right down the hall on the left. The light is on a dimmer so make sure you turn it to the right for brightness.”
I watched her walk away before speaking to my mother. “I know what you’re going to say.”
“Son, is this some kind of sick joke?”
“Mom,” I had to calm her down before Isabella came back into the room. “Please, it’s not at all what you think.”
“The similarities are uncanny.”
I brought her over to the couch and sat her down, noticing that on the end table was a picture of me with my girls. Sydney looked to be around two, and I immediately felt the room start to spin. I sat down in the seat beside her and took a few short breaths. “Listen to me. You can’t say stuff like that in front of her.”
She shook her head and looked up at me. “I thought you were better, son. I thought you’d finally been able to move on, but it’s clear that you haven’t. Why else would you pick a woman that looks just like the wife you lost?”
It was too late for me to hush my mom. I turned my head to see my girlfriend standing behind the couch with a hurt look on her face.
I stood up and rushed toward her, ignoring the fact that we’d just walked in the door. She didn’t argue as I pulled her along up the stairs. She stopped me halfway and stared at a picture that hung on the wall. It was Simone when she was pregnant. She was holding her stomach and looking down at it.
Isabella put her hand over her mouth. “Oh my god. This can’t be happenin’.”
“Come on. Just don’t look.” I tried to get her to budge, but she just stood there looking at the rest of them. Feeling defeated, I sat down on the top step and gave up. This had all been a terrible idea, and the fact that I hadn’t considered this outcome was exactly why I had no business coming here at all. “Please, Iz. Let’s just get a hotel room instead.”
She shook her head and pointed down the stairs, while she spoke in a low voice. “Your own mother can’t even look at me, Rusty. How am I supposed to feel?”
“I don’t know.” I really didn’t know what to say. “I never should have let you talk me into coming here,” I whispered. “How was I supposed to know that my mother would have a whole house as a shrine to them? You think this is easy for me? This is the reason I left this life. I couldn’t stand to be here and see all of this.”
“Look at me and tell me that I’m not a constant reminder of her.” She pointed to my wife’s picture.
“You’re not. I swear. You may resemble each other, but to me you’re different. You know that. We’ve talked about this, babe.” I was trying my hardest to settle her down.
“Babe? Don’t you dare babe me. That’s probably what you called her, isn’t it?”
I put my head down. Nothing I did was right, and I was making it worse as it all played out.
“Iz, I love you. We’re having a baby. This has nothing to do with my wife. She’s dead and she’s never coming back. The life I have with you, our life, it’s perfect. Don’t let this change your mind. You only look so much like her right now because you’re pregnant.”
“So you’re admittin’ it? Every mornin’ you wake up next to me and it’s like bein’ with her again, right?” She started walking back down the stairs. I ran after her, desperate to get her out of the house and away from my confused mother. When she turned the corner and stood in front of mother, I stopped dead in my tracks. “Mrs. Tillman, I’m real sorry that I’ve given you such a shock. I can assure you that the thought never crossed my mind. If it’s alright with you I’m just goin’ to go to the hotel and call it a night. I’ll let you catch up with your son for a while alone.”
She was leaving me?
“Iz, please hold up,” I said as she headed for the front door. She never turned around until she’d reached the truck. Her hands were shaking, and there were tears running down her cheeks. She could hardly get out the words in between her sobs.
“This was what I’ve been afraid of this whole time. I asked you so many times why you were with me, Rusty. You assured me that it wasn’t because we looked alike. You even told me that it wasn’t much at all. Those pictures inside of that house don’t lie. I felt like I was looking at myself in another life.” She opened the truck door more and started to climb in it. I grabbed her shirt preventing her from moving and she jerked out of my reach. “Don’t touch me right now. I’m so humiliated. You brought me all the way here to be treated like a replacement. How could you do this to me?”
“I swear to god that this isn’t what you think. I want to be with you because I love you. This isn’t about Simone, or the fact that you have the same color hair and eyes. I don’t love you for your looks, Iz. I love you for what’s inside.”
“My baby? Is that it? You want a kid so bad that you picked the first one available?”
“No! God no! Why would y
ou even say that?” I was shaking, losing control of myself as my foot continued to drive into my mouth with each comment. “Please don’t go.”
“This truck belongs to the ranch, so I have every right to take it home. You obviously need to work things out with your family, and I need to get out of here. I can’t go inside of that house anymore. There’s even a picture in the bathroom, Rusty. How fuckin’ creepy is that?”
In my defense they were pictures of us in the bathtub. At the time I’d fought with Simone about hanging them, stating that they were inappropriate. “Please don’t leave me. I need you.”
“You need to leave me alone. I’ve got to get away from you. I need to think.”
“About what?” I worried.
“About everything. This is messin’ with my head. All of this is just crazy. That woman looked at me like I was a ghost. Are you goin’ to deny that?”
“Please, just promise me that you won’t leave. I love you so much. I came here for you, for us. I swear that’s all this is. All that’s left of my girls is what’s in that cemetery we went to the first time we came here. I know that. You aren’t some shrine to me. I promise.” I grabbed her hand, clinging to hope that she’d reassure me. “Can I have a kiss goodbye? Will you at least call me when you get to the hotel?”
She leaned forward, but did not initiate the kiss, nor did she comment on calling me.
After I ran in and grabbed her bag, I watched as she pulled away in the truck. For some reason I had this sick feeling that something terrible was about to happen.
Chapter 33
Isabella
I couldn’t take another minute in that house. Everywhere I looked were reminders of his dead wife, not to mention it was as if we were long lost sisters. The resemblance wasn’t just something his mother had noticed, I too was caught off guard by how uncanny it was. By the time I’d made it inside of that bathroom all I wanted to do was figure out a way to escape. I couldn’t handle seeing that woman looking at me as if she’d seen a ghost.
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