by J. J. Sorel
Aidan came to me and brushed my cheek. His liquid gaze held me for a moment. “I can’t tell you how painful it feels dragging you into my fucked-up world like this. You’ve become a deep part of me, Clarissa. I know that I owe it to you to.” He took a long breath. “It’s just that I’m frightened you’ll run when you learn that I’m not the debonair, worldly rich guy that you fell for.”
I shook my head in protest. “But I don’t care about that, Aidan. Even if I met you on the street in an alleyway…”—I contorted my face, considering what had transpired that day, it was a poor choice—“I mean had we met in humbler circumstances, I’d still be crazy about you, Aidan. I’m not the type of girl who goes for a man because of his wealth.”
“I know that, baby. That’s why I’m in love with you. Your heart is pure.”
My heart stopped. Was this real? I asked myself for the millionth time.
Aidan cast that intense, dark expression I recognized well enough. His thick, light-brown hair, tousled from endless hand sweeping, made him so damn sexy my legs went weak. Would I ever stop swooning around him?
Aidan’s chest expanded. He took a deep, encouraging breath. “During my last tour, something happened that I was emotionally unprepared for.” Aidan sat down and stared down at his hands. “The army’s meant to toughen one up. The rigors of training are designed to make one impenetrable. Physically, that’s pretty much how it is. One learns to deal with physical pain. But emotionally…” He rose and moved to the window, where he looked out into the dark night. “At times, I feel so broken. I’m ashamed. I should be able to brush this off.”
“Ashamed of being broken?”
He held my gaze. “Yeah, pretty much.”
“What happened, Aidan? You can tell me. Nothing you say will make me walk out of here. I can’t.” My voice cracked.
Aidan poured another shot of bourbon. He headed to the wine bottle on the table and lifted it. “Can I top up your wine?”
I nodded. He poured the wine and handed it to me. I noticed a shake in his hand. My heart sank.
He swallowed his bourbon in one gulp. He looked up and held my eyes. After many deep inhalations, he whispered, “I killed a man.”
Although it should have, it didn’t register deeply in the shock department. “But you were a soldier, Aidan. Isn’t that sometimes unavoidable?”
“He wasn’t the enemy.” His eyes had gone remote.
“What? Friendly fire?”
His eyebrows drew in sharply. “You know about that?”
“My uncle was in Vietnam. He often spoke about his time there. He mentioned friendly fire. I recall thinking how ironic that was. There’s nothing friendly about being shot.”
Aidan snorted. “Yeah, so fucking true.”
I regretted breaking the spell. “What happened, Aidan?”
“The victim was my best friend, Ben.” He turned and faced the night again. “We went through everything together. Kindred spirits in many ways. Ben was an orphan. Before he joined up, he lived on the streets. We were the same age. He also played guitar. He was good. Better than me. Before enlisting, he survived through busking. He was a top guy. The best. And a brilliant soldier too, gutsy. You couldn’t be in Special Forces if you weren’t.” Since he was not one to blow his own trumpet, a tight, modest smile coated Aidan’s handsome features.
“He sounds like an interesting person,” I said.
“That he was,” said Aidan, almost to himself.
I remained transfixed. The only sound was crashing waves piercing the dark silence.
Aidan sat down again. “We were out in the field. Our mission was to track down encampments hiding insurgent rebels. The Taliban, mainly. One day, we were about one mile from camp when we were ambushed. There were ten men in all. They all died. Except for Bryce and me. Ben jumped in front of a bullet heading for me. It should’ve taken me down.” He exhaled a tight breath. “But Ben took the bullet instead.”
“Did he die?” I asked.
Aidan nodded. He went to the bottle of bourbon and poured another shot, downing it in one gulp. “Yeah, he died, all right. But it wasn’t that bullet that killed him.”
He was staring at his bare feet. I went up to him and held him. I could feel the tremor of his heart against mine. I pulled away and stared deeply into his eyes. “Did you have to put him out of his misery?”
Aidan’s eyes were desolate and wide, like those of a child who’d lost his way. He nodded slowly. “He begged me to,” he whispered hoarsely. “I didn’t want to, God, I didn’t want to. I wanted to carry him to the evacuation zone. It was a mile away. But we were exposed. We could’ve waited for the helicopter. But that would’ve taken precious time. Ben begged me. He was in so much pain. I’d never seen so much blood. He was soaking in it. I tried pressing on the wound to stop the blood flow, but his cries were gut wrenching. It was a terrible experience, Clarissa. I should be stronger than this.” He brushed back his hair. His eyes were deep pools of despair. He looked up at me. “I had to do it. He begged me to. I shot him.”
I blinked back tears and took Aidan into my arms again like a mother would a son. His pain reverberated through me as I held him firmly. I wanted to absorb it. To remove it.
He untangled himself from my hold. “You know, I just keep asking myself, over and over again. Had I carried him, could he have survived?”
“Just blood loss alone would’ve probably killed him, Aidan. And it sounds like you had a distance to travel. And then there was the threat of an attack,” I said softly.
I was staring at the face of a man who’d seen much in his short life. It was a new face. Still and silent.
After a lengthy pause, he asked, “Are you still attracted to me?”
I stared deeply into his eyes. “I’ve never been as attracted to anyone in my life as I am now to you.”
A slow, faint smile chased his frown away. He touched my cheek. His eyes lightened with affection. “This has taken a huge load off me. I don’t think I’ll ever get over what happened. I don’t think any person could. But knowing that you understand, that you aren’t running away from me, means everything, Clarissa.”
I held him tight. My teary cheek stained his neck. “Aidan, I’m tougher than you think. Life is filled with prickly experiences. Moments when our moral center loses balance. You know, if it were me, I would have done the same. You put him out of his misery, Aidan. It sounds as if he was in agony.”
Aidan sat there lost in reflection. I sensed he was on that field in Afghanistan. He looked up. “Thank you.”
“You don’t have to thank me, Aidan. You and I are alike in that way. I, too, tend to crawl into a shell. I blamed myself when my mother died.”
Aidan shook his head. “Why would you do that?”
I sighed deeply. “I should have been sitting in the back seat, which is where my mother was when the car hit us. I had begged my parents to let me sit in the front seat. We were heading for a holiday. And I loved sitting in the front. My mother, who was tired at the time, needed a rest, and so she indulged me. Afterward, I knew it should have been me that died, not my beautiful mother.” Tears poured down my face.
Aidan took me into his arms and rocked me. “Oh, baby. No. It wasn’t like that. You can’t blame yourself. And you were a little girl. Your mother would never have seen it that way, nor would your father.”
I whispered into his neck, “Yeah, she’s already told me that.”
Aidan pulled away. “Ha?”
“Just that. I’ve been visited by her ghost. In my dreams, of course. But it felt very lucid.” My voice trembled. I’d never admitted that before. I was ashamed of it. I’d thought I’d lost my mind.
Aidan moved away again. His eyes were so dark that I’d forgotten they were blue. “You too?” His deep voice echoed with a somber note.
“What do you mean, Aidan?”
“I’ve been visited by Ben. On quite a few occasions. I thought I was going mad. I could’ve sworn he was in the room wi
th me.”
My spine tingled. “What did he tell you?”
“Something fucked-up like he wanted to die anyway. That he joined the army so that he could die for a cause. That he didn’t want to be found dead alone in his pathetic little existence back home. That dying for his country was far nobler and less selfish.”
“That’s your subconscious, Aidan.”
He sighed. “Kieren, my shrink, says it is. But I don’t know. It’s seems so fucking real. And not just once. It happens often.”
“When I’m here with you?” I tried not to sound incredulous.
Aidan shook his head emphatically. “No. When you’re in my arms, I sleep like a baby. It’s even hard to get up in the morning.” His lips formed a lopsided smile.
“Well then, I will have to keep sleeping with you,” I said with a bright smile in an attempt to quash the heaviness that had hijacked Aidan.
It worked. His lips curved into an off-center grin. His face relaxed for the first time. And handsome Aidan, stealing my breath again, faced me close.
“That, my beautiful girl, turns my winter of discontent into a summer of sensual delight.”
I chuckled. “From Shakespeare to poetic Aidan.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
“Come here, Princess. Sit on my lap.”
I lowered myself onto his bulging quadriceps. Despite his thighs being rock hard, it was still the most comfortable place in the universe.
Like magnets, our lips were instantly drawn together. His hungry mouth, hot and moist, melted into mine in a dance that sent sizzling impulses coursing through my body. His grip tightened, my lips parted, and his tongue plunged in as if starved, entwining deliciously with mine.
Aidan unbuttoned my blouse, nearly ripping it off. He pulled away and stared at me. His eyelids grew heavy with lust.
Leaving a damp trail all the way down to my nipples, Aidan groaned as he took them into his mouth, sending delicious sensations deep into my core.
“Your taste is so sweet, Clarissa. I need to be inside you. I am about to explode.”
I whimpered a barely there “please” while allowing him to carry me to the bed.
After he laid me down, Aidan unzipped his jeans and lowered his boxer shorts, releasing his enormous, pulsating cock.
Aidan ran his finger over my lips and then proceeded to tear off my panties. He parted my willing legs. His light touch, almost like a feather, twirled magnificently on my equally engorged arousal. An almost unbearable ache shivered through me. When his finger entered, preparing me for something significantly bigger, I spurted creamy arousal all over it. Casting me an appreciative smile, Aidan’s gaze went steamy as he sucked on his finger.
He joined me on the bed and held me. “I really need to fuck you, badly.”
I ran my hands up and down his bulging biceps. Opening my legs wide, I nodded. “Yes. Please.”
He thrust into me with such desperation that I flinched in his arms.
He stopped suddenly. “Am I being too rough?” His rasp left a moist imprint in my ear.
“No, don’t stop.”
As he ripped me delightfully in half, I bit into Aidan’s neck and sucked on his salty masculine flesh like a vampire—his scent, radiating an oily film of testosterone and him. It was addictive. I drank him in through my lips and flesh.
A symphony of stretched moans and growls exited our parted lips as he entered deeply. The toe-curling stretch was so agonizingly pleasurable that electric currents trembled through me.
His body moved freely. He was wild, heated, and impatient. Loose and gyrating, my pelvis pushed up to take everything he had. I creamed all over his exquisite cock.
My body trembled in his arms. I ate him whole, squeezing the life out of him with my contractions. Aidan’s groans intensified with each burning entry.
The swelling heat deepened as my hands gripped his firm ass. Assaulted by uncontrollable spasms, I let go and was sent on a wondrous journey, unfolding like a flower in the sun. I was deluged in a creamy wave that intensified with each thrust. Just when I’d come back for air, another bigger wave tossed me around, and stars spread before my eyes.
I shuddered uncontrollably beneath Aidan’s gripping body, gasping a stretched groan. Aidan’s heartbeat merged with mine. Like a volcano about to erupt, his body quivered in my arms. I could hear, echoing off his rib cage, a release building. His jaw tensed, his beautiful head fell back as he drowned me in thick, liquid heat.
Floating back to reality, we remained entangled. As our breath came hard and fast, our hearts seemed to merge as one, big pulsing organ.
Basking in endorphins, I remained in Aidan’s arms for what seemed ages. When I did attempt to extricate myself, he tightened his hold. “Where are you going?”
“I thought you’d want to sleep,” I said.
“Yes, baby, but I need you close.”
What was a girl to do? I rested my head on his chest. It was so comfortable and dreamy, especially with that post orgasm scent of us. I sighed slowly. I’d never felt safer than in Aidan’s arms. All I saw behind my eyelids were angels, not monsters. They’d all disappeared.
I woke to find Aidan in my arms, wide awake.
“Good morning, angel,” he said, brushing my cheek with his warm lips.
“You didn’t sleep?”
He sat up and stretched. “I did. But I’ve got a few things on my mind.”
“What are you going to do about Bryce, Aidan?”
“He can fuck himself for all I care.”
“But won’t he go to the authorities and tell them what happened?”
“It’s his word against mine. I reported to my superiors that Ben died from the bullet he took during the ambush.”
“Bryce mentioned something about your money coming from bloody means.”
Aidan sprang out of the bed. His athletic, long legs flexed powerfully as he walked about naked. I couldn’t help but admire his rippling chest and abdominals. That delectable butt, so firm and muscular, I forgot my question and just wanted Aidan back in my arms.
He grabbed two bottles of Evian from the fridge. He undid the top of one and brought it over to me.
“Thanks,” I said. I took to it with relish. As the liquid slid down my throat a desperate thirst was quenched.
Aidan wiped his glistening lips with the back of his hand. He made even the prosaic act of drinking water seem sexual.
His eyes had been invaded by darkness again. “Ben gave me a key just before he died. He told me that everything that was his was mine. He had no one back home.”
Aidan jumped back into bed and opened his arms so I could roll back into his body.
“The key opened a safety deposit box containing a million dollars in cash.”
“Do you know how he got it?”
“Not at the time. But Bryce pretty quickly filled me in. He’d masterminded the scheme with Ben. Strange, it was the one thing that Ben kept from me. He told me everything else about himself, including the fact that he’d been abused as a young boy by a priest.”
“Poor boy,” I said, feeling a deep, heartfelt ache for Ben despite not knowing him. “So, Ben and Bryce stole the money, then?”
“They did. It was CIA cash flown in to bribe Taliban elders. Apparently, it was standard practice. To enable safe passage for our soldiers. The cash was untraceable, making it an easy crime. Ben had been put in charge of delivering the cash. I’m certain that Bryce bullied him into it. Ben was a pretty impressionable guy in many ways even if he was fearless when it came to fighting. He had an amazing eye when it came to precision shooting. Talented in every field of combat. But he was seriously helpless when it came to his buddies. He’d always put everyone before himself.”
“He sounds like a good man,” I said.
“That he was. There aren’t many like him around. That’s for sure.”
“How much did Bryce get from it, then?” I asked.
“Don’t know. But I’m pretty sure it was a substanti
al sum. He would have put it up his nose, gambled it, and spent it on women.”
“Then he can’t accuse you of anything because he would implicate himself. Wouldn’t he?”
“He would. I’m not worried about the money. I had no idea at the time. Although, now with the help of hindsight, it was naïve of me not to question how Ben came to it. I just assumed he might have had a good run in Vegas or something. At the time, I needed something better in my life. I took off to Europe. Before I did, I found an investment advisor, who I still employ. He advised me to buy medical marijuana stocks. And the rest is history. You know about that, anyway. It’s public record. And when it started to pay off, I placed one million dollars in the war widows fund to pay back the cash that Ben had given me.”
“Then you have nothing to worry about, Aidan. You didn’t know where the cash came from. And you’ve given it back many times over. Let Bryce rot in jail. He’s awful.” I shuddered.
Regret and pity cast a shadow over his gaze. “You’ve suffered such a shock. I’m so sorry. I can’t begin to tell you how fucking sorry I am. If anything happened to you…” He held me tight again.
“I’m okay, Aidan. I might come across as helpless.”
“Helpless?” He bent his head back to look at me. His lips curled. “You’re a little fiery angel. I’m so proud of how you handled yourself out there. Even the cops were impressed. I’ll have to be careful not to get on your bad side, I think.”
I giggled. “As I will have to be careful not to upset you,” I said with an enigmatic twist of my lips.
Aidan’s brow lowered before his face lit up. “Oh, that.” He sniffed. “A little spanking here and there on your delectable butt… you don’t seem to mind.” His blue eyes glowed with satisfaction. “You’re always nice and creamy afterwards.”
I felt his cock twitch against my leg. “Aidan,” I exclaimed.
“What?”
I melted under his hooded gaze, indulging in his soft caresses.
His tongue travelled down my body and settled on my clit. I flinched because it was so sensitive.