by J. R. Rogue
Like showing you more love and passion. I would shout my love for you in front of everyone. I know I didn't react the way I should have in the past, but this is different. I am different. I didn't express my feelings properly before, I was a stupid guy who didn't fully understand himself. It took the love of my life, you, breaking up with me to realize that you are the one I always wanted to spend the rest of my life with and that I need to grow up and change if I want that to happen.
I have done a lot of self-reflection and there is so much I need to work on. A great relationship is a partnership. I want us both to feel comfortable communicating and expressing what we want from each other.
Five years is a long time and if not as my lover, I need you as my friend. My life without you is not the life I want and I am so sorry you've had to wait until this point for me to grasp this.
I can't help but remember all the times at Paul's Wingstop, the times we had in your trailer, or even the years in the house we shared.
I can't believe how lucky I got that it was my car you left your purse in. Every time I have thought of our past over these last few weeks, it has brought a smile to my face. I want to go back to those times. I want us to enjoy ourselves again like we used to. When we never let what other people thought of us stand in our way. Maybe we can't go back to that, or should, but I would love the chance to carve out a new life with you.
We could create our own life together on our terms. No white picket fence or what others think we should have. Kids or no kids. Adopting or having one of our own. Whatever you want is what I want.
I am so proud of you and your writing and I know you will go far. I am always here if you want to tell me how it's going, what is happening. My phone will always welcome a call from you. Even if it's just to talk or blow off steam. I will always be here for you.
I am here waiting, and I always will be.
I wish you the best and I hope, one day, I can be a part of your life again.
Connor
When we are done reading, he folds the letter up. I have a tear in my eye. That damn purse I left in his car brought it out of me. Seeing again, that he knew we were meant to find each other too, makes me ache.
I want to say we found a happily ever after. That I gave him the children he wanted. That I let him love me fully every day. But I can’t do that. I can’t let good in all the way, not yet.
I will rebel against it until I die. I will rebel and I will be me, ugly and torn. I can’t be less.
When I look back at us, I see me being less. I see me trying to be good, pure, quiet, and meek. Less sloppy, less slutty, less mentally broken. I see me being all those fake things on the surface so I can make everyone happy.
I want to write an ending for everyone that is neat but I am not neat. I am not happily-ever-after. I am if I lie, and I am so tired of lying.
What if I just say we are trying? That we are trying to work through this. To be better, for each other.
Is it a lie if some days I do not feel it in my heart? If I just want to leave him for good so he can have all he wants? I will always be a runner, but my love can be found in the places he pulls it from.
He takes the journal from under my arm and tucks the letter inside, then he sets it on the hood of our car and pulls me in for a hug. I like the weight of him, the way he feels. “How was it today?” he asks the question to my long brown hair.
“Better. We ended the story.” I pull away and look into his dark eyes, run my hand along his stubble.
“So what now?”
I run my hand along his arm, pushing up the sleeve of his shirt. He has a tattoo there of a woman with stitched lips. A representation of who I used to be. Stitched lips and confessions locked tight. They slip out now, in poetry and on paper, to him, to my therapist.
“We start at the beginning again. I tell it again, but with no lies. No fiction.”
“And what about us?”
I kiss him. I kiss him like I mean it. Like our vows and our hearts and our scars and our imperfect love, our imperfect life.
“We start at the beginning.”
Note from Author
If you are in need of therapy/counseling I invite you to join Talkspace.
I have found healing and growth there for the past year.
Join here.
If you or anyone you know are in a crisis or may be in danger, please use the following resource to get immediate help.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline
+1 (800) 273-8255
Acknowledgments
Thank you to my family and friends. Thank you for understanding how important this career is, and sacrificing time with me so I can hide in my office.
Thank you to all of the bloggers. Your love of books and endless devotion is so important. I would be lost without you all.
My Rebels, thank you thank you thank you. Our group is a lifeline. I hope you all stay around after you’ve seen the real me in this book.
Kat, thank you for always being a true friend. I am so proud of you and the direction your writing is going. You’re going to kill it.
Christina, I have no idea what to say. You’ve held my hand through all of this. I appreciate all of the encouragement, the scary flowers, and the way you ALWAYS believe in me.
Cody, what is this life? People are going to read this and think we are the worst couple ever. But, we’ve never listened to anyone before, right? Why start now?
About the Author
J.R. Rogue first put pen to paper at the age of fifteen after developing an unrequited High School crush & has never stopped writing about heartache.
She has published multiple volumes of poetry such as Tell Me Where It Hurts, All Of My Bullshit Truths & Exits, Desires, & Slow Fires, & two other novels, Burning Muses & Background Music.
J.R. ROGUE is very active on social media & encourages you to follow her around.
www.jrrogue.com
[email protected]
Also by J. R. Rogue
Novels
Burning Muses
Background Music
Poetry
La Douleur Exquise
Tell Me Where It Hurts
An Open Suitcase & New Blue Tears
Rouge
Le Chant Des Sirènes
Letters to the Moon
All Of My Bullshit Truths: Collected Poems
Exits, Desires, & Slow Fires