Behind His Walls

by B. L. Mooney

“Lindsey Marie, what aren’t you telling me? Wait! Are you and Joseph—”

  “No! We’re just friends. Just friends. However, we are spending some time together this weekend, and I’m not sure what time I’ll be home exactly.”

  “Just be careful. I think you and Joseph would make a great couple.” She was silent for a moment. “Your dad thought so, too, you know.”

  She didn’t bring him up much, but I was glad she did. It reminded me of a conversation I had the night before at the homeless camp. I tilted my head. Had we really gone, or was that all in my mind? “Look, Mom. It’s kind of rude to be on the phone after he helped me so much last night. I’ll call you later, okay?”

  “Of course, dear. Be safe, but have fun.” I could hear her smile coming through the phone.

  It’s a little too safe here. “Mom, I’ll call you later.”

  I hung up, shaking my head. Everyone seemed to want us together. Well, everyone except for Joseph. I looked toward the kitchen where he had disappeared. It was time to get the awkwardness out of the way and back on neutral playing field. No more pushing Joseph.

  If I didn’t close the freezer door soon, we’d have to have a buffet of everything in there. I shut the door a little harder than I intended.

  “Are you still upset?”

  I turned to the sound of Lindsey behind me, standing in the doorway. She had her cell phone in hand, and I wondered if she got a call from the police. I had heard her speaking in the living room, but couldn’t make out what she was saying.

  “No, just nothing in the freezer sounds good for dinner.” I pointed to her phone. “Did you receive a call a moment ago? Was it about Austin?”

  She looked at her phone and shook her head. “My mom.” She looked back to me with a question in her eyes. “Did we really go to the homeless camp last night?”

  “Yes.” I narrowed my eyes. “You don’t remember it?”

  “I remember parts of it, but I don’t think we stayed long.”

  “We didn’t. You vomited, so I brought you back here. Harley was the one who said you had the flu.”

  “So that wasn’t a dream?” Her eyes watered. “She really got out?”

  Even though they were happy tears, it still bothered me to see a woman cry. I walked over and wrapped my arms around Lindsey. “Yes, she got out. She gave you her number to catch up when you’re feeling better.” I held her tighter. “It’s a really good thing, right?”

  “It’s a wonderful thing.” She gripped the back of my shirt and clung to me. “I hope they all get out, but if anyone deserved it, it was Harley. She was so good to my dad.”

  I rubbed her back. “I know, and she’ll continue to do what she can for those who let her. If you still want to help them, she may be your best bet.”

  She pulled back and looked at me. “What do you mean?”

  I took my thumbs and wiped her tears away. “She’s out and working, but I’m sure she could use some donations. She’ll know how to best help, and you’ll be able to give back to the camp that took your father in without actually going there. When you’re ready to head back, you can. In the meantime, help them through Harley.”

  She nodded and pulled completely away, walking over to the freezer to check dinner options herself. “So nothing sounds good for dinner, huh?”

  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. She was still cutting herself off emotionally to the camp. I had hoped learning Harley had gotten out would help her and give her hope for the others, but in reality, it probably just hurt that her father still didn’t have the chance to get out.

  I heard the freezer door shut and turned to look at Lindsey as she shook her head. “All that’s in there is healthy stuff. This should be a weekend of fun if I’m staying here.”

  “If? There is no if about it. You are staying. At least until Austin is caught.”

  She looked at me. Her tone was still playful, but cautious. “That could take weeks. In fact, sometimes escaped criminals are never caught.” She tilted her head. “What are you going to do then?”

  I crossed my arms and didn’t take a playful tone. “Start charging you rent. We should just cancel your lease on the apartment now.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “I’m not going to cancel anything. I’ll still get you to kick me out yet.”

  “I’m a very patient man.”

  She walked up and leaned against the counter that was separating us. “Every man has his limits.”

  I spread my arms down the counter and leaned in closer to her. “It could be fun to test those limits, but remember,” I leaned closer and whispered, “you have them, too.”

  Her eyes sparkled as we looked at each other. I could stare into those eyes for the rest of my life. My eyes widened at the thought. I didn’t do forever, and I couldn’t let Lindsey think I could.

  “What’s wrong?”

  Just then my phone beeped and provided the perfect cover. “Nothing. It just surprised me, is all. It vibrates first.” I took it out of my pocket and ignored the raised eyebrow my vibrate comment received.

  I turned my back and checked my phone. It was an image from Jasmine. Texts from her were unpredictable at best. I decided to look at it while I was alone and put the phone back into my pocket.

  “Another girlfriend? If I’m cramping your style, I can go home or to my mom’s place. I don’t have to stay here.”

  I tilted my head back, looked up to the ceiling, and begged for the patience I claimed to have moments before. “You’re not going anywhere, Lindsey.” I let the frustrated tone come through.

  “You aren’t my keeper, Joey.”

  “Joey! Where are my car keys?” My mother sounded panicked. I knew she would be.

  I didn’t say anything as I stood around the corner to where she could see me. She was still searching the sofa cushions and end tables for her keys. I had taken them when my mother lay down for a nap. One of the few times she was allowed uninterrupted sleep.

  She turned and looked at me. “Joey, where are they? I don’t want to be late picking up your father. He won’t let me take the car again.”

  “I don’t want you to pick him up.”

  “We’ve been over this.” She held out her hand. “The car keys. I need them now, please.”

  “Mom, we can kick him out. I’ll work more hours and contribute more money.”

  “Baby.” She came over and held my face. “It isn’t only about the money. I love your father.”

  “How can you love him?” I got angry each time she told me she could love a man like him. “You don’t love him. You just don’t know any better.”

  My head snapped when she slapped my face. “You are not my keeper, Joseph. You will not defy him or me. Give me the car keys now.”

  I rubbed my face as if I’d just been slapped again. I startled when Lindsey touched my arm. I backed away and shook my head. She had the same tools I had. She knew what a flashback looked like and was well aware that I’d just had one. I went to look in the freezer again.

  “Joseph, what did I say?”

  “You don’t like health food?”

  “What?”

  I turned around and pointed backward to my freezer. “You said all that was in here was health food. Do you want to order out tonight?”

  She sighed and backed up a few steps. “Pizza sounds pretty good, actually.” She looked at my belly and smirked. “Although, I don’t think you have it too much.”

  “I have it more than you think.” I rubbed my abs. Truth was, I hadn’t had the abs long. I had to get my frustration out somehow, and since Jasmine left for her more stable life, I’d taken up working out to relieve the tension in my body.

  “Then it’s settled.” She smiled again, though not a full smile. “Let’s just not have anything too spicy. My stomach feels fine, but my mom has me a little paranoid now that I didn’t have dry toast.”

  “We can keep it mild, but I think you’re fine now.”

  “So, what do you do for fun around he
re?”

  “Fun?”

  “Yes, Joseph, fun. You do have fun, don’t you? After meeting Jasmine, I think you have a lot of fun when you let yourself.” That playful smirk was back.

  “If I were on my own, I would work out, watch television, read, or—”

  “You would read?”

  “Why does that surprise you?”

  “It shouldn’t, I guess. I just didn’t peg you for the type who enjoyed it. What do you read?”

  “It varies. If I’m struggling with a client, I may read up on the subject I think would help them the most. Sometimes I read autobiographies and other times fiction. It really depends on my mood.”

  “I haven’t seen any books around.” She sounded skeptical.

  “Well, there’s a wonderful invention called a tablet. You can read many, many books on there and not clutter the house.”

  “Books are not clutter.”

  “Oh, so you’re a fan of books? I’ve never seen you with one.”

  She shoved me. “I just haven’t had the time. Now I wish I had a tablet, though. Would it be rude to ignore you and read all day?” Her smile was big.

  “Actually, no. I do have an extra tablet you can use.” I walked back to the living room. “I’m sure there’s something on it you’d like to read. If not, we can download anything.”

  I pulled the tablet out of the drawer next to the sofa and powered it on. Getting her mind occupied and away from questions to ask me was ideal. Once it powered up, I handed it over.

  “I don’t want to take your tablet. I think I can get the app on my phone.”

  “Don’t be silly. I have an extra one upstairs by the bed. I’ll just run up and grab that one. Pick anything you’d like to read whether I’ve read it or not. Just don’t tell me how it ends if I haven’t.”

  I ran up the stairs and turned when she chucked. “I never thought you’d be into romance novels!”

  “Women do not own the rights to romance!” If she knew the real reason I read some romance novels, she wouldn’t be laughing anymore.

  I stretched out on the sofa and made the God-awful noise I normally made when stretching out, but usually, I was alone. The chuckle I heard from across the room reminded me I wasn’t.

  I covered my face and shook my head. “I’m so sorry if I brought you out of your story.”

  “You didn’t. I’ve been finished with my book for a little while.”

  It was dark, so I couldn’t see his features to judge his thoughts, but he was resting his elbow on the arm of the chair, and his head was resting on his fingertips. I drew my legs up to my chest and hugged my knees.

  “What have you been doing?”

  “Enjoying you read.” He sat up straight and put both hands on the arms of the chair. “You go through every emotion the characters feel. I was glad you picked a novel with emotion, but I kind of wish you’d chosen an erotica novel instead.”

  He laughed and caught the throw pillow I flung his way. It may not have been pure erotica. However, it did have several steamy scenes that got me worked up. Apparently, he picked up on that.

  “You’re headed into dangerous waters again. Are you sure you want to go there?”

  He cleared his throat. “Maybe it’s best we have pizza now.”

  “Pizza would be good. I’m starving.”

  Just as Joseph stood, the doorbell rang. “Right on time.”

  “Wait. You already ordered it?”

  “Well, yeah. You were too engrossed in the book to think about dinner, so I ordered it.”

  He left to answer the door, and I slid over to his side of the sofa and turned on the light. He already had wine and water on the table waiting for us. I really was engrossed in that book.

  Joseph came back and set two pizza boxes down onto the coffee table between the wine and water glasses. “Two boxes?”

  “I ordered a cheese and a pepperoni. I wasn’t sure what you meant by mild, so I stayed away from sausage or anything with peppers. I figured these two were the safest bet.”

  “Is everything you do safe?” I regretted the question the moment I asked. “I didn’t mean that as an insult.”

  He held his hand up. “No, it’s okay. I do take risks, but they’re calculated ones that won’t hurt anyone I know.”

  “Like Jasmine?”

  “Right, exactly like Jasmine. She was safe in the sense that she travels a lot and never had to come back to this city if she didn’t want to, but also because she wasn’t friends with anyone I knew. We could date, and if we broke it off, there wouldn’t be any awkward run-ins at parties or whatever.”

  He leaned forward and took a huge bite of pepperoni pizza. I stuck to the cheese, even though the pepperoni looked really good. We mostly ate in silence, and the awkwardness had crept back in. That was, until Joseph started to open up, if only a little.

  “I wanted to help women.”

  I was taking a sip of wine and almost spat it back into my glass. I recovered and took a bigger drink than intended. It was huge that he was talking about himself. “I’m sorry. Help women?”

  “You asked why I became a psychologist.” He grabbed his glass and sat back on the sofa, crossing his ankle over his knee. “I’d seen too many women get caught up in bad relationships and wanted to reassure them that there is a better life out there, and they have every right to take it back.”

  “So you only take women clients?”

  “No, I’ll take a male client if one requests my services.”

  I reached for my glass, sat back on the sofa, and was confused by the look he gave me. “What?”

  With his brows still drawn together, his whole demeanor had changed. “You need to drink water.”

  I looked at the still full water glass and the wine glass I’d filled three times already. “I like wine more.”

  “You may like wine, but you won’t like your morning. Drink water.”

  I shook my head and exchanged glasses. If he was opening up, I wasn’t going to have him shut down over a glass of water. “So you went into counseling knowing what your specialty would be?”

  “I suppose I knew the general idea of it. I just hadn’t a clue as how to classify it.”

  “How did you?”

  “A gentleman I’ve known for a long time now knew what I wanted to do before I did. Once I was working in my own practice, he would send me referrals.”

  “That was nice of him.”

  “Yes, it was. He’s been very good to me.” He smiled at me, and I could see the warmth in his eyes for his mentor. I was glad he’d had someone like that to help him. He didn’t accept help often. “What about you?”

  “Me?” I put my feet under me and sat facing him on the sofa. “I said it already. Minds fascinate me.”

  “Is that why you went straight into the mind of criminals?”

  I shrugged. “I suppose. Those are the minds that are most fascinating. Why they do the things they do and how they justify their actions, no matter how terrifying they are. It just boggles my mind how those people think.”

  “Why did you go into private practice with normal people then?”

  “I didn’t feel as if I was contributing to anything. Yes, we could learn things from studying their minds, but I wanted to make more of an impact in people’s current lives. Austin was one of my first clients when I started my own practice. I’d met with hundreds of criminals, but Austin was the first who scared me.”

  “Did he ever hurt you?”

  “Not physically. I think I would’ve preferred that some days. It was the pain and suffering of other people that he went into great detail about that affected me. He knew I couldn’t report anything since it was in the past. He’d already done his crime. There was no one to warn to get help.”

  I downed the water Joseph made me drink and picked up the wine glass again. My hands always shook when I spoke of Austin. The stories still terrified me every day he was locked up. Since his escape, I’d felt nothing but fear—except when I
was with Joseph. It was the most relaxed I’d been since receiving the news he’d gone missing.

  “Why didn’t you stop seeing him?”

  “As long as he thought he had someone to confess to, I thought I’d be safe. I didn’t know how to stop. I just worried that I’d eventually be one of his next victims.”

  “He was still killing people when he was talking with you? I thought they were mostly old crimes.”

  “They were. It apparently wasn’t enough to come to therapy and relive them anymore. He needed that next rush. He’d been free of his demons, as he put it, for almost ten years before coming to my office.”

  “What set him off?”

  “His parents died in an accident, and he had to identify the bodies. Seeing dead bodies, no matter who they were, triggered old feelings. I was never able to understand why he had stopped killing.”

  By the time I stopped talking, the wine glass was empty again, and my entire body was shaking. Joseph pulled me onto his lap and held me. “We don’t have to talk about him anymore.”

  I didn’t know if it was for my benefit or if he didn’t want to listen, but surprisingly, I really needed to keep talking.

  “I’m horrified by the things he’s done, terrified that he’s out there again with the means to do them to more people, and I feel enormous guilt that I hadn’t stopped him in time for that last murder.”

  Joseph’s arms squeezed around me. “You have no reason to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong.”

  Maybe it was too much wine, or that I finally had the option to let it out, but whatever it was, I started sobbing. I turned and clung onto Joseph. He held me tighter.

  I was nervous as I sat and waited for my next client. The things he would say were hard to listen to and even harder to take notes on. He tested me, though. He would say inaccurate things to make me flip backward through the notes and correct him. I had to make a record of it to keep things straight whether I wanted to or not.

  The phone buzzed to let me know he was there. I no longer saw clients the hour before or after his appointment. I couldn’t concentrate, and it wasn’t fair to those clients. My receptionist was instructed to still buzz me if he went five minutes over his time, regardless if there were other clients waiting or not.