PEOPLE’S USED FURNITURE
One sign of what’s going on in our society is the trend toward larger and harder beds. Queen-size, king-size, wider, firmer—beds that resemble a flat plain and the sleepers ships passing in the night, not knowing one another at all. We reject that kind of sleep with our Warm Valley Bed. It is built narrow and soft and shaped like a trough, gently urging its occupants toward the middle, to spend the night in each other’s arms. No matter how hard you fight it (and we all do), the Warm Valley Bed brings the two of you together into warm mutually reinforcing physical contact. The bed of commitment. Specify depth.
THE UNIVERSAL JOINT GARAGE & BODY SHOP
The way it is at the U.J. is like the five of us, Sully, Bill, Butch, Duke, and Bud, we’re totally together because we stay high together and when you come in with your car, say the car is really bummed out and won’t even start, before we even touch that car we’re going to sit down with you and get you up there together with us.
Now, a lot of folks can’t dig that. They say, “Here’s my car. When can you fix it?” or some other kind of linear crap. Well, we just got to talk that person loose. Because we are not in that fix matrix at all. We say, “We’re not there yet. We’re here.” Or we say, “You on a wrench trip? Okay, here’s a wrench!” But that’s not where he’s at or the car either, and on a simple planetary level they both know it. The car and him are one circuit, one continuum, and the ignition switch is right there in his head. Like we say, “The key is not the key! Tools are not the tools!”
So what we do is get very loose and very easy and very high. The afternoon goes by and the whole shop is like suspended up there in its own holding pattern, we’re all sitting around listening to the leak in the air hose and digging it, and slowly that person gets to copping to that car through us. It’s tremendous, a stone—you feel the energy really flowing. So we’re all sitting there revving on that and then the car starts to get off on it and pretty soon that car gets going. Sometimes it starts by itself, other times we got to do some laying on of hands, but it’s going. Wide open, you can feel it vibrating. So all that comes right back to us. Like the car is going rmmm-rmmm-rmmm and we’re going rmmm-rmmm-rmmm, and the next thing you know that person gets in the car and he just like takes off! Which was his Karma all this time—to go. Like he was in this place, now he’s in another place, pretty soon he’ll be somewhere else, and so on, but you know, it’s all one road.
THE PHANTOM STOMACH ALTERNATIVE CAFÉ
The Stomach originated as a study group within the Whole Wheat Co-op, for people interested in vegetables as a tool in therapy. We were somewhat divided between eggplant and kohlrabi, but we got along pretty well. All of us felt that eating vegetables helped us free ourselves from authoritarian life-systems and become more self-sufficient and honest with ourselves and more whole. Wholeness was the key. But as we pushed it farther we came to feel that vegetables were merely raising us to a higher ego-level that was rather empty and intellectual. We felt whole but we didn’t feel full. It was then that we discovered “the other stomach.”
The group was on a five-day fast in order to get beyond food and onto a different thought plane where we could meditate with our stomachs and find out what they wanted. One night we went up to the roof of an apartment building to cool off, and as we lay there we saw a great membrane descending from the sky. The membrane shone with a pale moist light. As it came near, we saw hamburgers in it, a thousand of them, and pizzas—pepperoni, sausage, anchovy-and-sausage, mushroom—along with French fries, Cokes, onion rings, Big Macs, Pronto Pups, chow mein, Reubens, malts, frosted doughnuts, buttered pop-corn—everything right there within reach. We heard tremendous bursts of thunder from the membrane, and then a voice said, “Eat!”
We said, “But we can’t. We’re fasting, and besides it’s not our kind of food.”
And it said again, louder, “Eat!”
So we did—the stuff looked good—and to our surprise, it was good. It was hot and tasty and crisp, and the more we ate the more there was of it. We kept saying, “It is our thing, it is our thing!” Because we’d never felt that way before. A spreading circle of warmth from the stomach to all parts of the body. A great calorie rush.
The next night, the membrane came again. This time, we’d invited all of our friends. Hundreds of people joined in the feast. There was enough for everyone, and we became aware of a very profound physical sensation that we never got from veggies. Now we know: Around the little vegetable stomach there is a second and much greater stomach, which eggplant cannot satisfy. This second stomach is the whole body. As the voice said to us the second night, “You are not what you eat. You are eating.” You only realize that if you eat the right food.
We’re trying to carry out this philosophy in our café. We sell burgers that make people listen to themselves and understand themselves and we got a machine that turns out a single continuous French fry. The endless potato. When there are no customers in the place, we like to open the front door and let the French fry go out into the community to make contact with people. Some of them, like us, have eaten their way back to the beginning.
1973
CATHLEEN SCHINE
SEEK DWELLINGS FOR MX
IN an appeal to “neighborly spirit,” President Reagan is asking homeowners to help ease the plight of the country’s growing number of homeless MX missiles. Speaking at the annual convention of the North American Bungalow League (NABUNGLE), Mr. Reagan cited a new Pentagon study predicting approximately five hundred thousand un-domiciled missiles in the United States by 1984. He urged each American family to open its door to a needy missile, “like we used to do.” Calling his plan “MX Housekeeper,” the President noted that “there are a far greater number of lovely guest rooms in this great country than homeless ICBMs.”
Mr. Reagan went on to describe the nationwide crisis. “Rusting and dented, their spare parts stuffed haphazardly into shopping bags, the vagrant missile is getting to be a common sight in most of America’s major cities,” he said. “In the Southwest, you can see whole families of uprooted MXs squeezed into ’74 Buicks, Ford Rancheros, and two-door Toyota Coronas. And every spring in Fort Lauderdale, Florida, thousands of young, barefoot MX missiles crowd the beaches, where they sing ‘Michael, Row the Boat Ashore’ and spend their nights in sleeping bags.”
The President warned that the Soviet Union continues to have a “substantial monopoly” on missile shelters. He proposed four additional programs to close the shelter gap:
Amtrak Pack: In a plan that has already divided the nation’s redcaps, roomettes on Amtrak’s New York–to–Miami line would be reserved for qualifying missiles. Connecting return-trip tickets on the Silver Meteor would be provided upon arrival at destination. Complimentary wine-and-cheese basket.
Woodstock Pack: Research funds have been appropriated to study the feasibility of erecting tents on the famed six-hundred-acre site in upstate New York to house up to three hundred thousand MX missiles for a three-day music festival featuring Country Joe & the Fish and Suzanne Somers. Car pools from Colorado and Vermont.
Bundling Pack: A salute to America’s pioneers and the spirit of self-reliance, this nationwide bundling board would permit missiles to huddle side by side for warmth. Defending the plan, Mr. Reagan commented, “Even if all the homeless MX missiles were placed end to end in a line, that line would stretch from San Diego to Boston without compromising more than three or maybe four so-called wilderness areas.”
Au-Pair Pack: As an adjunct to the Pershing-missile scholarship program, the au-pair pack would arrange for the placement of thousands of au-pair missiles with French, English, and German families willing to share their homes in exchange for occasional babysitting.
The President also called on municipal governments to pitch in. He singled out New York City, which has one of the largest populations of homeless MXs in the country, as the ideal location for a pilot program. Fleets of vans would cruise midtown Manhattan in the
evenings, making special stops at the Port Authority Bus Terminal and Pennsylvania Station, two places at which transient missiles tend to congregate. Teams of highly trained social workers would seek out the missiles and offer them doughnuts. The vans would then shuttle the missiles to city shelters for social services and showers.
Mr. Reagan thanked the churches and synagogues that have been providing cots and coffee for missiles in their areas. But he cautioned, “You have to do more than throw hot coffee at problems if we really believe in our hearts that every American missile has the right to a roof over its warheads.”
1983
STEVE MARTIN
SIDE EFFECTS
Dosage: Take two tablets every six hours for joint pain.
Side Effects: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, headache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. Okay foods: flounder. Under no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in 30 percent of users—sorry, 50 percent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal. Bowel movements may become frequent—in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you. You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the 10 percent of users who experience “spontaneous test-pilot knowledge.” If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas, and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for a “countdown.” May cause stigmata in Mexicans. If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of World Records. May induce a tendency to compulsively repeat the phrase “no can do.” This drug may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during a Catholic Mass, “I’m gonna wop you wid da ugly stick!” You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom; this is because you are about to die. Men may experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection will accompany your daily “walking-around time.” Do not take this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near a ringing telephone that works at 900 MHz or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming you have had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life along with a deep sense of melancholy—join the club! Do not be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter. You might want to get a one-month trial subscription to Extreme Fidgeting. The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to become caught in the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat while a friend holds your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. Then throw yourself stomach first on the back portion of a chair. The expulsion of air should eject the pill out of the mouth, unless it goes into a sinus cavity, or the brain. WARNING: This drug may shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the user retroactively. Passing in front of TV may cause the screen to moiré. Women often feel a loss of libido, including a two-octave lowering of the voice, an increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle. If this happens, women should write a detailed description of their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me, Bob, Trailer Six, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or e-mail me at hot-guy.com. Discontinue use immediately if you feel that your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts. You may experience “lumpy back” syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. When finished with the dosage, be sure to allow plenty of “quiet time” in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary objects. Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug will develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor. (This product may contain one or more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber, crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen, dung, English muffin, poached eggs, ham, Hollandaise sauce, crushed saxophone reeds.) Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the sensation of having a “phantom” third arm. User may experience certain inversions of language. Acceptable: “Hi, are how you?” Unacceptable: “The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the phsssst.” Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you will feel an insatiable craving to take another dose. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE PILLS ARE. You should also be out of reach of any weaponlike utensil with which you could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed to not give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk them.
1998
ZEV BOROW
SUPERSTRING THEORY FOR DUMMIES
Though human brains are not wired to picture a world beyond the familiar three dimensions of space, one can begin to overcome this myopia by pretending to be antlike creatures in a two-dimensional fantasy world like the one in Edwin A. Abbott’s story Flatland. Confined to the surface of a plane, the Flatlanders can move left and right or forward or backward, but the idea of up and down is inconceivable to them.
—From an explanation of superstring theory in the Times
PRETEND that you are a barnacle attached to the bottom of a big whaling ship like the one in Moby-Dick. It is very cold and wet and dark where you are, on the underside of the boat. Now imagine that the boat is a speedboat instead, and that you’re its tanned Filipino captain with great abs. You are moving very fast. Still, your drink could use refreshing, and you can’t for the life of you figure out why. This is just like superstring theory, except with boats, and your having great abs.
WALK over to a mirror and stare at your reflection. Now pretend that that reflection no longer resembles you at all. Pretend that your reflection actually more closely resembles the smiling face of Ned Beatty. Now slam your forehead into the mirror three times, hard. You are bleeding. Of course. Superstring theory.
PRETEND that you are Russell Crowe in Gladiator. Find a gladiator costume. Put it on. Engage in swordplay. Slay a tiger with your bare hands and offer it to the Emperor as a sign of respect. Very, very superstring theory.
IMAGINE that you did better on your SATs than you did. A lot better. Now imagine that you smoked, say, a quarter of the pot that you smoked during your sophomore year in college. Now imagine that you never decided to leave school the following summer in order to try your luck with Cirque du Soleil. Finally, imagine that instead you became a Harvard-educated physicist who now often attends conferences in Oslo during the summer months. Imagine that you know Oslo is a city, probably somewhere in Europe, and that you understand all about superstring theory.
CLOSE your eyes and scream as loud as you can. Next, open your eyes and shut your mouth very tight. Think about how one might be able to open one’s eyes and close one’s eyes and shut one’s mouth very tight and scream all at the same time. Now relax and check out a rerun of The Sopranos. Superstring theory is not so tough.
IMAGINE that you have some money in the stock market. What if one day you woke up to find that your stocks had lost 20 percent of their value? And what if the very next day you woke up to find that those same stocks had bounced back? Imagine if you paid attention to all this, but not so much, and still decided to go ahead and buy one of those cool flat-screen TVs. Imagine if that TV showed nothing but new episodes of The Sopranos, and that in one episode one of the show’s delightfully piquant secondary characters explained superstring theory, to you and only you.
FIND a pencil and a five-year-old. Now
tell the five-year-old that you’d like to bet him or her five dollars that you can make a pencil bend just by waving it in the air. Place the bet. Then hold the pencil horizontally at one end and move it up and down rapidly, in a sort of wavelike motion. Take your money. Before walking away, explain to the five-year-old that the reason you can make a pencil bend in the air, and are now five dollars richer, is because of a little something called superstring theory, something that he or she might not understand but you do.
2000
IAN FRAZIER
RESEARCHERS SAY
ACCORDING to a study just released by scientists at Duke University, life is too hard. Although their findings mainly concern life as experienced by human beings, the study also applies to other animate forms, the scientists claim. Years of tests, experiments, and complex computer simulations now provide solid statistical evidence in support of old folk sayings that described life as “a vale of sorrows,” “a woeful trial,” “a kick in the teeth,” “not worth living,” and so on. Like much common wisdom, these sayings turn out to contain more than a little truth.
Authors of the twelve-hundred-page study were hesitant to single out any particular factors responsible for making life tough. A surprise, they say, is that they found so many. Before the study was undertaken, researchers had assumed, by positive logic, that life could not be that bad. As the data accumulated, however, they provided incontrovertible proof that life is actually worse than most living things can stand. Human endurance equals just a tiny fraction of what it should be, given everything it must put up with. In a personal note in the afterword, researchers stated that, statistically speaking, life is “just too much,” and as yet they have no plausible theory how anyone gets through it at all.
Disquiet, Please! Page 41