by Gini Koch
“And I see nothing that we could construe as civilized,” Chuckie said. “Let alone industrialized.”
“Barring Sandy playing a practical joke on us—which seems hella unlikely—this was the planet in question.”
Tim nodded. “Maybe everything’s underground.”
While Butler and Reader chose where we were going to land, the rest of us discussed the likelihood of an underground world. We didn’t have a lot of time to do so, however.
“Setting down on what should be solid land,” Reader said. “Prepare for impact, just in case.”
Androids were great at flying space shuttles, because we landed nice and smoothly, almost like a helicopter, only without the noise and the whipping blades. Shuttle was definitely the way to go.
“Check sensors to be sure we can breathe before we open the hatch,” Tito said. “Just in case.”
“Sensors show an Earthlike atmosphere,” Reader said. “Temperatures are moderate for Earth, as well. We should be good.”
The hatch opened and Christopher, who was nearest to it, stepped out slowly. Nothing happened. So he walked all the way down the ramp. No issues.
The rest of us followed suit. “I feel like we totally overdressed for this occasion for some reason,” I said as I looked around. Grass as far as the eye could see. Sure, the grass was up to my knees, but still, it was grass.
Saw a flash of orange out of the side of my eye and looked over at the shuttle. “Who’s there? And by who, I mean I expect Ginger and, most likely, Bruno, to show themselves right now.”
Sure enough, Bruno dechameleoned to show him sitting on Ginger’s back. Neither one of them looked even remotely guilty.
“Why are you two here?”
Ginger yawned, then yowled softly. I managed not to jump up onto Jeff’s shoulders, but it really took an exertion of self-control. “Gotcha. Good Ginger, good Bruno.”
“What did they say?” Jeff asked, in the tone of voice of a man who still couldn’t quite believe that his wife talked to animals all the time.
“Ginger mentions that certain things tend to like to hide in tall grass. Slithery things.” I was terrified of snakes. It didn’t matter that I’d faced gigantic and human versions of them—if it slithered and had no legs, it could send me running off screaming or make me freeze in terror.
Ocellars, as it had turned out, had been trained to fight those gigantic snakes on Beta Eight. And Ginger had gone to town on Earth snakes during Operation Epidemic, too. So her being here suddenly sounded like the greatest plan in the world.
Jeff took and squeezed my hand gently. “You’ll be fine. I won’t let anything hurt you, you know that, baby.”
“The body armor will protect you, too, Kitty,” Chuckie said reassuringly. “It’s why you’re not feeling the grass rubbing against your skin. You can relax, at least a little—no snake is going to bite through this armor.”
“Says you. But fine. I’m still glad I have the Great Snake Killer with us, okay? And Bruno, too, because one should never count a Peregrine out.” Chose not to look into my purse to see if I had Poofs on Board or not. At least, not right now. “But, since we don’t know who or what is or isn’t sentient here, don’t attack anything unless you have to.”
Got consent from both animals that they’d control their bloodthirsty natures, despite their deep desires to kill anything that moved. Using those exact words. Even my pets had sarcasm knobs. Decided not to share this with the others because I wanted to hog the animal sarcasm all for myself.
We wandered around a little bit, no one getting too far from the others, but we had enough people that we could radiate out from the shuttle and still see and hear at least a couple people on either side. No one saw anything other than grass. No one stepped on anything other than grass.
“See or smell or sense anything?” I asked Bruno and Ginger, who were next to me. Received ocellar and Peregrine negatories.
“Everyone back,” Jeff called.
“Where are the insects?” Serene asked as we regrouped. “There should be some, and there aren’t any. Beta Eight had a full planetary infrastructure in terms of life. This planet is clearly alive—you don’t have this much grass on a dead rock—but there’s no infrastructure.”
“I’m going to vote for underground again,” Tim said. “And not just because I suggested it before. Because we had people living underground on Beta Eight.”
“Yeah, but Fancy’s Ferrets were really the only ones doing so. But I vote for underground anyway, because I’m with Serene—it’s way too silent.”
“Ah, I wonder . . .” White said. “Because I see something other than grass, finally.”
“Is it a snake?”
“No, Missus Martini, you can relax. It’s very far from a snake.”
He pointed and we all looked at what he’d seen creeping out of the tall grass. Yep, definitely not a snake.
“Well,” Reader said, “that’s not exactly what I was expecting.”
CHAPTER 30
A RATHER ADORABLE BROWN and white flop-eared rabbit wiggled its cute pink nose at us.
“I’m all kinds of good with the fact that the first creature we’ve encountered here is, as Lizzie would say, totes adorbs. So very totally good with it.”
“Why didn’t we hear it arrive?” Serene asked.
“Maybe because it has soft pads on its paws?” Claudia suggested, in a tone of voice that indicated she was as enamored of the bunny as I was.
“Kitty, maybe we need to get some rabbits for the Zoo,” Lorraine added, echoing the Rabbit Love Tonal Inflection.
“I wish I had a carrot,” Mahin said regretfully.
“Or some food pellets,” Abigail agreed.
“We don’t have rabbits on Beta Twelve,” Rahmi said with even more regret than Mahin had managed for the lack of carrots.
“We should get some for our mother,” Rhee declared. “Clearly our home planet is suffering from the lack of rabbits.”
“Uh, why are all of you, other than Serene, acting like you’re about to offer to marry that rabbit?” Jeff asked.
“Because it’s so adorable!” we all chorused together.
The unison jerked me out of whatever kind of trance I’d been in. Looked at Serene, and noted that it was hard to drag my gaze away from the bunny. “You’re immune?”
She nodded. “I guess so. I mean, it’s cute and I want to pet it, but I’m not making plans to gather a hutch full of rabbits and take them home.”
Had to think before the rabbit’s charisma—and that’s sure what it felt like—dragged my attention back to its fluffy cuteness. “Dudes, are any of you affected by the bunny?”
Got a resounding chorus of nos, with similar caveats to those Serene had given. Considered why.
“It’s a troubadour rabbit. Or something like that. It’s exerting charisma or whatever at us and for whatever reason, it’s focused on the females. Serene’s immune because she’s a stealth troubadour and therefore is probably stronger with the skill than almost anyone else.”
The other gals were still gazing adoringly at the rabbit. It was really hard for me not to look right back at it. Noted that while the men and Serene didn’t seem as enthralled by the bunny, they were all staring at it. Oliver started taking pictures of it.
“John, are you affected?”
There was no answer. Tried to look around for what could have happened to Butler, but my gaze was dragged back to the most adorable thing in the galaxy.
“Ginger, Bruno,” I managed through gritted teeth, “look around. I don’t think we’re going to be alone.”
Ginger growled low and Bruno made a soft hissing sound. We were definitely not alone.
“Gang, we’re surrounded by bunnies.”
“Good!” Claudia said. The rest of the gals other than Serene echoed her.
&nbs
p; “I think it’s starting to get to me,” Serene said. “I can’t look away.” The men all agreed that they couldn’t look away, either.
Ginger growled again. The rabbits were creeping closer and there were a whole lot of them.
Had no idea what had happened to Butler or what was going to happen to us, but knew I had to do something. Took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and concentrated, searching for the rabbits’ minds.
Felt something. I’d never really communed with bunnies before, so I wasn’t sure if it was them or not. But didn’t figure that we had a lot of time, so I focused all my mental energy on shouting that we were coming in peace and that they needed to stop attacking us.
The Most Adorable Bunny In Existence made eye contact with me. He wanted me to worship him. In fact, he felt that my worship was all it would take for him to be mine forever and for us to live in happy harmony for the rest of our days. Felt my knees wanting to hit the ground.
One of the best things about my Dr. Doolittle talent was that I didn’t really have a lot of control over it. The animals had far more control than I did. Meaning that if they didn’t want me to understand them, I didn’t understand. But it also meant that I wasn’t really able to be all that selective in who I thought at.
So Ginger and Bruno heard this mental exchange. And Ginger and Bruno, being animals themselves and predators to boot, appeared to be immune to the rabbit’s charms. Possibly more importantly, they were among my favorites and jealous to keep their spots in the Animal Hierarchy of my mind. Bottom line—they did not approve of these rabbit shenanigans.
Bruno lifted up, impressive wingspan spread to full, shrieking a Peregrine war cry. He flew at the Most Adorable Bunny In Existence, then at the other rabbits surrounding us. They all stopped advancing.
Meanwhile, Ginger did something very catlike. She scratched me.
“Yow!” Jumped and looked around. “How did you scratch me through the body armor?”
Ginger sniffed, studied her claws in that way cats will, then sauntered off to scratch everyone else. Bruno did one more threatening sweep, then he landed on my shoulder, where he could keep an eye on all the enemy rabbits.
“Beta Eight claws,” Serene said as she held her leg. “I think ocellars might have a claw enhancement that we haven’t noted before now.”
“They were bred to kill Snakipedes,” Reader pointed out, also holding his leg.
“Bullets can’t get through this stuff,” Tim said as he limped closer to Reader. “Or lasers. But ocellar claws, it’s no big deal? We need to talk to Drax about his design skills.”
“We need to thank Ginger,” Jeff said, as she finished scratching everyone and breaking the Bunny Spell. “For saving us from whatever the hell we were under and also for not once clawing anything in the White House, the Embassy, or the Zoo. This is the best cat in the galaxy, right here.”
Ginger purred loudly and rubbed up against Jeff’s legs. He stroked her head, which earned him more purrs and rubbing. Then she turned to the Most Adorable Bunny in Existence and snarled a very mean, nasty, and above all, loud snarl. Jeff, like all the rest of us, was hers, thank you very much, and no damned rabbit with supercharisma was going to change that.
The rabbit backed up a hop. Interesting.
Jeff looked at the Most Adorable Bunny In Existence. “Time to tell us what the hell you were doing, or we aren’t going to be coming in peace any longer.”
“Look, they’re rabbits,” Christopher said. “What are they going to do to us? Bite our ankles?”
“Rabbits have sharp, nasty teeth,” I pointed out. “And, as Monty Python and the Holy Grail has taught us, they can be killers.”
“Killers of lettuces, maybe,” Christopher said.
Which apparently did not sit well with the bunnies nearest to him. Possibly because Christopher wasn’t all that near to either Ginger or Bruno. One of them lunged at him and sank its teeth into his leg.
“Ack! Get it off me! Get it off me!” Christopher flailed around, though it was clear that while Ginger’s claws had cut through the body armor, the rabbit’s had not. However, its teeth were sunk in well enough that Christopher wasn’t shaking it off.
“Calm down, son,” White said. “It’s just a rabbit, remember?”
“Hilarious, Dad. Get it off me!” He was still trying to kick the rabbit off. This seemed to enrage the rest of the bunnies nearby, and more of them leaped onto him. Bruno and Ginger allowed this, which I found interesting. Presumed it meant they were talking to the rabbits on a channel I couldn’t mentally access. Or else they didn’t like Christopher as much as they did the rest of us. Possibly both, but I chose to be charitable and assume it was that they were chatting with the bunnies in some way.
Christopher spun around to try to dislodge them, but it didn’t work. He spun faster, which didn’t work all that well. One rabbit flew off and landed right in my arms, but only one. The rest of them seemed to have death grips on his legs. Apparently my pit bull Duchess had nothing on these rabbits. Kind of wished she was on this journey with us—we could have used her help.
The cottontail in my arms looked up at me suspiciously. “Not going to hurt you if you’re not going to hurt me. You try to hurt me, however, and all bets are off, and I’m sure Bruno and Ginger already told you that.”
The rabbit wiggled its ears, blinked its eyes, and wrinkled its nose. Realized with some relief that I finally understood Bunny Talk. About time.
Knew what to do. “Christopher—apologize.”
“What the hell?” He slowed down. “Why?”
“Because you were belittling and they didn’t like it. Just stop trying to toss them off you and say you’re sorry. Like you would to any other security team that you’d angered for the wrong reasons.”
“It’s just like on Beta Eight,” Chuckie said. “They may not look like they’re sentient, but they clearly are. So treat them as such.”
“Fine. Look, I’m sorry about the lettuce joke. Please let go of me.”
The rabbits didn’t release. Got the distinct impression they weren’t sure yet if they were going to attack all of us or not, Ginger and Bruno or no Ginger and Bruno. Also decided that mind control stuff was something I wanted to avoid any of us experiencing again. And last but not least, Butler was missing.
Time to stop being nice and call in the cavalry.
“Poofs Assemble!”
CHAPTER 31
A BLANKET OF FURRY CUTENESS appeared on the ground where we were standing. The Poofs looked at the bunnies. Could tell that the Most Adorable Bunny In Existence was trying to control them.
Harlie, the Head Poof, was having none of it and neither was Toby, Christopher’s Poof. They both went large and in charge, meaning they were now taller than Jeff and had full mouths of razor-sharp teeth. Then they roared.
To the bunnies’ credit, none of them panicked. However, all the rabbits holding onto Christopher let go and hopped over to the Most Adorable Bunny In Existence. It was clear they’d gone to protect him.
Toby went back to small and jumped onto Christopher’s shoulder. “Thanks, buddy,” he said, petting his Poof. “I appreciate the save.” Toby purred, snuggled into Christopher’s neck, and stayed on his shoulder, instead of going into his pocket as was normal for most of the Poofs, especially those who belonged to the guys.
Harlie stayed large and in charge and right in front of the Most Adorable Bunny In Existence. Went over to the Poof and patted it. “What a good Poof you are, Harlie.” This earned me very loud purrs. Looked back at SuperBun. “We came here to ask for help and see if we could help you guys in return. Instead, you tried to mind-control us, then attacked us, and you took one of our team members somehow. I want him back, unharmed, or everyone in my ship’s going to be rolling with a lot of extra luck.”
SuperBun cocked its head at me. He didn’t get the joke, though he w
as clear that I was making one.
“Oh. On our planet, which we call Earth, rabbits such as yourselves are plentiful, at least rabbits that look like you guys. Carrying a rabbit’s foot is considered good luck. That foot is never attached to the rabbit. Got it, Bugs?”
SuperBun was appalled. And about to tell his warriors to attack. The bunny in my arms was ready to claw me to get away.
Heaved a sigh and petted the cottontail. “Dudes, we are not here to make rabbit fricassee, and yes, on Earth many people eat rabbits. You guys are delicious. You’re also adorable and many keep your kind as pets. On the other hand, we,” indicated the others with me, “aren’t here to try to turn any of you into food, clothing, animal companions, or lucky charms. You’re a sentient race and therefore off limits for things like that. At least as far as we and the rest of the planets we’re aligned with feel.”
Heard Jeff mutter, “Only my girl,” and then start sharing, very quietly, what SuperBun had been and was saying. Well, he did have that Surcenthumain boost and it was a good time to be using his mindreading skills.
So, Jeff got to share that SuperBun wasn’t so sure he trusted me.
“That’s cool. I don’t trust you, either.” Spent this time soothing the cottontail by petting it. It stopped freaking and relaxed against me. “Since you wanted me to worship you and all that. I tend to really dislike people who try to make me worship them, call it a personal failing.”
SuperBun apologized for that. It was their standard operating procedure when visitors from other planets arrived.
“You get a lot of them?”
SuperBun shared that they did not see many visitors from other planets, though they did get some, which made them extra cautious.
“Gotcha. We didn’t mean to barge in. We need help, and we were told that you guys needed help, too. We were hoping to help you and that then you’d be willing to help us.”
SuperBun was mildly intrigued and wanted to know what it was we wanted.
“Chlorophyll.”
He wanted an explanation. Couldn’t blame him.