by Gini Koch
Wanted to call Tim, warn him, and tell him to get themselves and the rabbits onto a shuttle and off this world, but couldn’t risk trying to make the call. I was worried enough that my headphones would pull out of my ears, since my phone was in my purse, seeing as FLOTUS-wear wasn’t equipped with pockets. Resolved to talk to Akiko about this lack the very moment we were back on Earth.
Proving why I didn’t want to lose my headphones, my music changed to George Thorogood’s “Reelin’ & Rockin’,” which confirmed for me what was coming.
Sure enough, the Habitrail From Hell started rocking back and forth, as if it was trying to break free from its moorings. Only the black water was clearly coming along with us, because of course it was. Along with whatever was in that water. And if sunlight hit it, I might be able to see what was in there. Resolved to get the hell out of here before that happened.
Managed to grab SuperBun before he slid away, shove him into my purse with Peter, and hold onto said purse as if it was Charlie, with the full duck and cover going. Because the Habitrail From Hell was really rocking, and the thing about tubes is that when they turn on their sides, what’s inside of them goes tumbling.
CHAPTER 38
NEVER IN MY LIFE had I missed being in jeans, a t-shirt, and my Converse more than at this exact time. My sensible pumps were not great for helping me to brace myself, and neither was my nice outfit. The body armor should have made this a nonissue, but either it was slick to the touch or it bound so well to the fabrics it was on that it imitated them in all ways, because I had no traction whatsoever.
Tried shoving my butt against a surface while bracing with my feet. In jeans and Converse, that could have worked. In body armor that was determined to match the nice, soft fabric and pumps with slick bottoms I had on? I went sliding down like this was the biggest water park in the galaxy.
Tim was right—we needed to talk to Drax about his designs. If, you know, any of us survived this in order to do so.
Wasn’t sure if I should be happy about the fact that the tubing lurched hard in the other direction right before I slid into a whole clutch of the pygmy elephants or not. On the one hand, the elephants probably would have broken my fall. On the other hand, they were now tumbling down, too. And they were above me.
We were all headed for a group of tiny, panicking horses. This promised to be the worst possible potential Kitty Sandwich in the history of the universe. And it wasn’t going to do the bunnies any good, either.
My music changed again. I’d frankly expected Algar to be funny and play Culture Club’s “I’ll Tumble 4 Ya,” but instead what I got was Billy Idol’s “Catch My Fall.” Miraculously, I got this clue, and gave myself the “duh” at the same time. “Poofies, Kitty needs a save!”
Poofikins and Harlie flew out of my purse, going large. Poofikins was between me and the horses, Harlie between me and the elephants.
Just before we all slammed into each other, the tube leveled out. And, lucky me, sunlight hit the water. Due to how I’d tumbled around, I was looking at the big ball of water I’d been next to not so long ago, so I got a nice, clear view of what was inside.
Managed not to scream, but it took all the effort I could muster. Because what was in that water was snakes. And not just any snakes. Gigantic ones, with oscillating fins running down their backs from the back of their heads to the tips of their tails. Giant faces with horrific fangs, slit eyes that glared at everything with malevolence, and jaws that unhinged or something because they opened 180 degrees. And all that was inside those jaws were more fangs. And they were all roiling around each other and slamming themselves against the Habitrail walls, some with their jaws opened fully, some not.
Sea serpents, SuperBun corrected. They were giant sea serpents.
“That doesn’t make it better, just so you know,” I shouted. Had to shout. The monster animals were making a lot of terrified noise. “And I am officially sick and tired of hitting strange new worlds that have horrific, giant snake-things as their top predators. Sick of it, do you hear me?”
Didn’t matter if anyone heard me or not—the Habitrail From Hell started shaking again. On the negative side, Dopey was up and doing something with his laser cannon again. On the plus side, managed to spot someone I knew—I could see Jeff and Chuckie, and they’d found Oliver, Butler, Ginger, and Bruno. So, one for our win column.
They were in a tube that only had rabbits in it, lucky them. They were all also picking said rabbits up—Bruno even had a couple in his claws and one on his back, Ginger one in her mouth and two on her back—so someone had given them the clue that the bunnies were now on our side. Or else they, like me, just wanted to get out of here without stomping on them, and taking them along was the most expedient choice. Decided not to care as long as they all made it.
The biggest positive was that Jeff’s team was heading for a platform. Saw Jeff looking around, presumably for me, Christopher, and White. Waved, but had no idea if he saw me, though how you’d miss the Poofs—who were so large they effectively blocked either side of the tube, I didn’t know.
However, if they were blocking it, whatever air we were getting was probably going to stop. “Poofies, back to small.” Harlie and Poofikins did as requested and jumped onto my shoulders. “We need to get out of here. And does anyone know where Christopher and Richard are?”
“Right here, Missus Martini,” White said as he grabbed my hand and we zipped off, Poofs diving back into my purse. “Running on the ceiling to avoid trampling animals.”
Christopher was indeed going so fast that we were able to run above everything. He was going so fast that, even as the Habitrail From Hell started to move around, we stayed “on top,” wherever on top happened to be.
We reached Jeff and the others just as their platform was starting to rise. My music changed to “All My Friends” by the Counting Crows. “Good to see you guys, but we need to save all the rabbits!” Could see a bunch of bunnies running for platforms, but they weren’t likely to make it. “Go up, tell the others to get our ship down here pronto—we’re taking us and all the rabbits and getting the hell out of here!” Jumped off the platform and ran for said hot cross buns on the hoof.
Christopher whizzed past me as Jeff caught up to me. “Seriously?” Jeff shouted. “I thought they were attacking us?”
“They’re Earth bunnies and they’re still normal. You guys saved a bunch along the way.”
“Because those weren’t attacking us. And, yes, fine, they seemed panicked.”
“They are panicked. So am I. I’m really glad your blocks are up or powers are dampened or whatever. Did you look into the water?”
“It’s water. I don’t want to drown in it and I think whatever we’re in or on is going to break apart. Oliver and Butler said we weren’t seeing it as it really was. Don’t care, just want all of us out of here.”
“Oh, you don’t know the half of it. And it relates to us getting out. SuperBun, share what reality is with my guys here, will you?”
SuperBun said that he’d shown them the general gist of what was going on, so they’d know where to run. He’d refrained from the full truth to avoid panic.
“Show them all of it, dude. They need to know, especially if things go badly and they all rarely panic. Though, honestly, if anyone was going to panic, now might be the right time.”
“Whoa!” Jeff grabbed me as SuperBun obviously obliged. “We saw the water as clear before, not black and filled with monsters. What the hell are those things? Besides terrifying and probably worse to you?”
“Sea serpents. Because that’s just how lucky we always are.” We reached a set of bunnies. “Everybody, follow us and let us pick you up if we can!”
The bunnies complied, in no small part because SuperBun told them to. We grabbed as many as we could and headed for the platform they’d been going for, but at a faster rate than the bunnies were managing on the
ir own, hyperspeed remaining the best thing ever.
Reached the platform, dumped the bunnies, ran back, got more, did the same, while those who were still booking it on their paws alone leaped onto the platform. Platform filled with bunnies, it went up and we went for the next.
“Why does it seem like we have to do this on every planet we accidentally visit?” Jeff asked as we dropped the next set off on the new platform.
“Good question. I point back to just lucky, I guess.”
“Yeah, this is pretty average for our luck. Do we try to save the horrific-looking elephants, horses, and squirrels? If that’s what those really are.”
“I don’t know that we can, honestly. They’ve been so altered—the rabbits call them monster animals. And they aren’t reacting like normal animals in any way, other than being terrified right now.”
Christopher had done three platforms full of bunnies in the time we’d done one. Someone else had as well, because I spotted six platforms full of fluff and floppy ears heading upward.
Butler joined us, identifying himself as the other Savior of Easter. “I think we have them all, other than these last three sets. Christopher says he can handle the last two and that he appreciates seeing what’s really here because it’s making him go even faster. So, I’m helping you get these last ones done so we can all get out of here.”
“Thanks for helping. The rabbits are on our side.”
“Maybe. I think they took me because I could see the planet as it really is without assistance.”
“It’s not all grass?”
“No,” he said gravely, “it’s not.”
We reached rabbits, we grabbed rabbits, we ran back. Lather, rinse, repeat.
“I cannot wait to see it,” I said as we raced back and forth. “And by ‘cannot’ I mean ‘don’t want to but know I’ll have to’ and all that jazz. Oh, and the rabbits took you so you wouldn’t get hit with the water, which apparently kills machinery and such.”
“Well, I was in an airless chamber, so I’m not so sure about that.”
“Did it hurt you?”
He smiled. “No, it didn’t. So, perhaps you’re correct.”
SuperBun said that he couldn’t talk to Butler’s mind, so I’d have to express that he had absolutely done that to protect the android.
“Per my mental link with SuperBun, they did it to protect you. He’s the one who told Ginger where you were and I trust him.”
Butler laughed. “And I trust your judgment, Kitty. In all things. Anyway, Ginger was leading the way and there’s no way she could have smelled me, based on where I was, so I’m willing to believe it. Mister Joel Oliver had just gotten the lock picked when Jeff and Charles arrived. It was a tough lock and it took a lot of time.”
“We found them right when things started rocking,” Jeff added.
“We need to get these last ones and get out of here,” Butler said as we grabbed the last rabbits we could see. “Also, none of the horses, elephants, or squirrels would come with us.”
“Leave them,” Jeff said regretfully. “They’re not real animals anymore, and we have to save ourselves and those that are.”
My music changed to “Fix You” by Coldplay. While we were racing around loading on these last rabbits, thought about what Algar was telling me. “Did Siler and Wruck make it down here?”
“They did,” Butler confirmed. He nodded toward the laser cannon.
Dopey was back on his feet—well, foot—fiddling with something on the cannon. Assumed he was aiming the thing or worse. While I watched, Siler and Wruck appeared, Wruck shifted into something I’d never seen before—he looked blurry and gauzy and like he wasn’t actually there, even though I could see him. He wrapped around Dopey, Siler grabbed him, and they both disappeared again.
The cannon sat there. It didn’t fire and it didn’t move. Hoped this was a good sign, but just knew it wasn’t. “John, get the rest of the rabbits and get up on top. Get all the shuttles down here to get everyone loaded in. Get all our team, and all the rabbits, off this planet and into the ship.” Reached into my purse and handed Peter to him. “Take good care of Peter Rabbit for me, just in case.”
Peter didn’t want to go—he wanted to stay with me.
Patted his head. “No. You need to go with John. In case . . . just in case Jeff and I don’t make it back to the ship. Someone has to tell our kids that it’s going to be okay. That’s your job.” Kissed his fluffy head, then nodded to Butler.
“I want to argue, and say that this should go to me, as I’m the most expendable, but I can already see both of you about to argue and I can tell that Jeff agrees with you. Hurry, and don’t sacrifice yourselves for nothing.”
“We aren’t,” Jeff said calmly. “We’re potentially sacrificing ourselves for the galaxy.”
“But I’m voting on us saving the day spectacularly.”
“Let’s hope your vote’s the one that counts, then, Kitty.” Butler scooped up a few of the last rabbits.
“Find Grumpy,” I called to him as we all took off. “We need her.” My music changed to “Invaders Must Die” by The Prodigy. Really hoped this wasn’t Algar telling me we were goners.
“I’m afraid to ask,” Jeff said, as we raced for the cannon, “but I’m going to. We need another one of these things around why?”
“Because I think we can fix Dopey and Grumpy. Maybe. And if we can fix them, maybe we can fix the monster animals, and this world, too. But first we have to make sure that cannon doesn’t fire at the sun.”
“Oh, is that all?” Jeff laughed as we ran down a tube that was, shockingly, empty.
“What’s so funny?” We hit a T-intersection in the Habitrail, but SuperBun told us to go left, so we did, dodging around a whole mess of freaky and freaked out squirrels.
“This is still better than being the President or the King Regent.”
Up some actual stairs, which I hadn’t seen before, but chose not to whine or comment about, proving my focus on the situation at hand. “Oh my God, I hear you on that one. This beats FLOTUSing any day.” Caught movement out of the side of my eye—a sea serpent was tracking us. “Though, not necessarily in terms of the avoidance of terrifying monsters.”
Jeff squeezed my hand. “I won’t let any of them hurt you, baby. You know that.” Down some stairs, leaping over panicking monster animals.
“I do, and right back atcha, Jeff.” Through an empty tube. On the inside. Outside of it, sea monsters tracked us on every side, so to speak. Did our best to ignore them.
“I’m not letting us die here, either,” Jeff said. “Sea monsters, insane superconsciousnesses, and monster animals or no. Because a rabbit isn’t the same as parents.”
“With you a hundred percent on that one, too.”
Time to trot around in three different half circles so that we were moving in a serpentine manner—set up this way presumably because Dopey was totally insane—during which time we got to fall down and jump over and around panicked monster animals a lot, do our best not to look at all the sea serpents tracking their potential meals, and I got to listen to “The Long Run” by The Eagles.
We finally reached the laser cannon which was, blessedly, in a big, circular tube-room and which, therefore, meant that the sea serpents were a little farther away. Not far enough away, but then, the next galaxy wouldn’t be far enough in my opinion.
There was a timer on the laser cannon. Which was nice. The time on it was, of course, not.
Per whatever timekeeping Dopey was using—be it hours, minutes, seconds, or time as we didn’t understand it—we had ninety of them left.
CHAPTER 39
“ANY GUESSES FOR WHAT TO DO?” Jeff asked, as the timer clicked to eighty-nine, thus proving that we’d scored “seconds” versus minutes or hours. This was so par for our particular course that neither one of us commented on it.
The cannon had that timer, but no obvious controls. There was no on/off switch, no burning fuse, and nothing that indicated how it worked. However, it was clear that it was on and preparing to fire, because it was humming in a way that machines will when they’re really revving up to go for the gusto.
The section of the Habitrail From Hell that we were in was a big round ball, similar to the big round ball of black water that was, a quick glance its way showed, still boiling with sea serpents. The black water in there might also be boiling in reality. There was clearly a connection between that section of water and the laser cannon, but had no idea what that would be.
“Right now, I wish we’d brought Chuck along, too,” Jeff said. “And I’m thinking that we should have let Butler come, because he might have an idea of what the hell we should do with this thing.”
“SuperBun?”
He had nothing. The squirrels did most of the work on these things, and none of them were responding to his questions, pleas for help, or even suggestions to run to an elevated platform and get out of here. And Dopey was incommunicado.
My music changed to “Black Water Falls” by The War On Drugs. Didn’t have a lot of time to figure this one out, so did what I pretty much always did—went with my best guess and hoped like hell I’d guessed right. Especially since what I was guessing was not going to be good for me, Jeff, and SuperBun in any way, shape, or sinuous sea serpent form.
Pulled my Glock out, aimed at what I was going to think of as the ceiling of this thing until officially told otherwise, and fired.