Aliens Abroad

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Aliens Abroad Page 61

by Gini Koch


  “Red Team, Blue Team has not been approached and sees no sign of life,” Jerry said. “They’re splitting up to search the area.”

  “Roger that. I’ll stop our sightseeing commentary.” Noted that my music was still on the Cosmic Thing playlist. Still had no idea what I was supposed to figure out. I’d been close the first time I’d seen the list of songs, but now I had nothing.

  We found a spot that seemed safe to land—no volcanic activity, no buildings, no people, no animals, just a lot of red dirt and what could be charitably called scrub plants. This area made the desolate parts of Beta Eight look like amazing places to live. We set down, Wruck verified that we could all breathe here, and we got out.

  Happily, the song changed, finally, to something new. “The Worst Day Ever” by Simple Plan. Couldn’t argue that being on this planet was probably going to qualify as the worst day and hoped the song didn’t indicate our failure. Felt fairly confident it didn’t, since I figured Algar knew what I was planning and agreed with it—it was a simple plan, after all.

  “No one around,” Buchanan said. “That seems suspicious.”

  “Maybe our cloaking worked,” Mahin suggested.

  “Never assume things are going our way, Mahin. Trust me on that one. And Malcolm, on Nazez we had rabbits. So I’m expecting anything here.”

  “I agree,” Kevin said. “Oh, and Kitty, I want to know what your plan is. The real plan, not whatever you told Jeff and James you were planning on doing.”

  “I can’t believe I demanded you be on my team.”

  “Uh huh. Spill it.”

  “Fine. I expect to be captured, hopefully as soon as possible. This is a big planet and we’re going to need to get to the Head Megalomaniac fast because we don’t have time to sway the hearts and minds of the citizens. Per Lilith, we’re on as fast a timeline here as we were at every other stop.”

  “Figures,” Buchanan muttered.

  “Why so serious, Malcolm?”

  “No reason. Do you want all of us captured?”

  “So glad you asked. No, I do not. I want Richard and myself captured.”

  “Who else?” Kevin asked.

  “No one. Who will come rescue us from wherever we get imprisoned if I let all of you guys get captured?”

  “I hate this plan,” Buchanan said, almost cheerfully. “But it’s totally you, so I know you’re not lying. How soon do you want to split up?”

  “What do we all think?”

  “We’re in the middle of nowhere,” Abigail said. “And I don’t feel anyone other than us.” She cocked her head. “But I feel angry.” She bent down and picked up some of the earth. “Interesting. The dirt makes me angry. I think this planet may be poisoned in some way.”

  “Perhaps due to all the volcanic activity?” White suggested.

  “Maybe.” Abigail didn’t sound convinced. “I’ll monitor along the way.”

  “So we go together for at least a little ways,” Wruck said as he closed the shuttle doors and we headed off.

  “Everyone remember where we parked.” Missed Tim, but Chuckie laughed at this, so all remained okay in my world.

  “Let’s hope we can get back to it, all of us,” Siler said.

  “And those who aren’t playing the roles of sheep to slaughter should plan to remain close enough to grab each other and run,” White added.

  We’d landed on a hill with a flat top that was surrounded by much larger hills with no signs of anyone on them, so we had to walk down toward what seemed like a lot of nothing on a slight incline. Saw no real roads, certainly no paving, no buildings, no fences. It was weird—the world was advanced enough if they were firing missiles, but they showed no real signs of advanced civilization otherwise.

  We walked for a good fifteen minutes—during which time Algar went back to the Cosmic Thing playlist, possibly because he now hated me—and saw pretty much nothing other than rolling red hills of dirt.

  Finally, my music changed again, which was again a welcome relief. Not the song choice, though, since it was “Danger” by Third Eye Blind. “Everyone get ready, just in case,” I said softly as I looked around to see what had sparked this song.

  White was looking in the opposite direction than I was. “I believe that I see what look like farm animals in the distance.”

  We all turned to check it out. Sure enough, if sheep could be orange, there were orange sheep. “Wow, Mister White, that sheep to slaughter reference was spot on. Should we investigate?”

  “Sure, we can be the aliens that approach a farmer on his isolated farm,” Chuckie said.

  “So, you’re saying that those theories are sound?”

  “We parked where there was space to land and leave our shuttle in part because no one was around. I think if you’re doing an exploratory mission, you don’t land in New York City.”

  “You know we’ve been on Earth longer than you’ve been alive, Charles,” White said.

  “I do. I also know that others came by, and I’m not even talking about John’s people or the Z’porrah.”

  “Let’s cut the chatter,” Kevin said. “Just in case.”

  “I don’t see anything other than sheep,” Len said. “Why are you worried?”

  Couldn’t say the real reason I’d mentioned danger. But I had a reason that worked. “Because it’s weird that no one’s come to meet us.”

  “We didn’t hail,” Kyle said.

  “Plus, we were camouflaged,” Abigail added.

  “And Lilith said they were playing possum. Speaking of which, are those giant opossums in the field with the sheep? Giant reddish opossums?” Which could be a great name for a band. Though Giant Orange Opossums had a better ring.

  “Sure looks like it,” Kevin said. “Though this is still chatter, in case you all weren’t sure.”

  “Hilarious.” The animals weren’t doing much, just standing or lying there. All their backs were to us, so we couldn’t see any faces. “Think they’re dead? Maybe something killed off the inhabitants and the rockets are launching automatically?”

  “I give up,” Kevin said with a sigh. “Please, talk away.”

  “You know this is how she rolls,” Len said.

  “All the time,” Kyle added.

  “Why do we need to be stealth right now?” I asked.

  Right on cue, we found out why.

  CHAPTER 98

  THE SHEEP AND OPOSSUMS all stood up on their hind legs and turned around. To a one they were holding weapons that looked like some kind of gun, only a gun made for those without opposable thumbs.

  Stopped looking at the weapons and checked out their faces. They weren’t the faces I was expecting.

  They were still animal, yes. But they resembled Earth sheep and possums like gargoyles resembled Michelangelo’s David. Sure, there were similarities, but you’d never mistake a gargoyle for David’s close relative.

  They fit this world, though. They all had big, crazy eyes, extra-large tusks protruding from their mouths and, on the male sheep, seriously deadly-looking horns. Not to be left out, the possums all had long claws. Their front hooves and paws were more evolved, almost handlike, which explained how they could hold the weapons. Their back ones were more footlike, which made sense for them being able to stand upright.

  Couldn’t tell if the sheep’s wool was naturally a burnt orange color or if it was from them lying in the dirt, but the opossums’ fur was definitely a rather pretty strawberry blonde. That was me, Ms. Diplomacy, always finding something to compliment.

  The sheep were all about my height, the opossums were shorter, though they were all probably taller than Algar. Really hoped they didn’t have hyperspeed.

  “You are our prisoners,” one of the sheep said as my music changed to “Simple Rules” by Massive Attack. Realized the Universal Translator wasn’t how I was understanding th
ese words—this was one of the languages we’d learned in our sleep. Wondered if Ixtha was actually on this planet, but decided to listen to Kevin and stop chattering. At least, about that.

  Decided instead to stick with my plan, since that was my take on the song cue. “Take us to your leader.” Wished Tim or Reader were on my team to enjoy this one, since not even Chuckie snickered behind me.

  “What are you two doing here?” the sheep asked. “Brandishing weapons?”

  Risked a hopeful look around. Only White and I were standing here. Took the leap that Siler had gone chameleon and grabbed the others or Abigail had grabbed everyone and used hyperspeed. Or both. Hoped it was both.

  “Looking for your leader,” White replied as he slung his large laser gun onto his back. Did the same, because that seemed the most diplomatic, and nonthreatening, way to handle this situation at the moment.

  “Why would you think we would know the Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection?” the sheep asked. Wondered if this was the crazy sheep man Jamie had warned me about, or if I was going to meet him later, or if it was just a coincidence I was trained to never believe in.

  The music changed to “I’ll Talk My Way Out of It” by Stuttering John. Took this to mean Algar wanted me to run my yap. Never a problem. “Excuse me, who?”

  “Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection. He is the leader of our world.”

  “Um, where we come from, ‘mad’ means insane.”

  “Oh.” The sheep nodded as if this cleared everything up. “Here it means ‘enraged.’ Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection, is filled with righteous rage.”

  “Gotcha. We’d still like to meet with him, regardless of the sun’s views about his reflection.”

  “Why?” the opossum next to the sheep asked.

  “Because we’re visiting from another solar system and we want to talk to the leader. Is he the only leader on the world, or just one of many?” It was a damned big world, and, after all, on Earth the leader depended on where you landed, particularly since Jeff didn’t push the whole King Regent thing. Frankly, as Algar’s cover story proved, we had a lot of little kingdoms scattered all over a much smaller surface.

  “We have only one ruler, and Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection, rules the entire world by right and by might.”

  “Super. By the way, what are your names?”

  They both looked surprised. “Why would our names matter to you?”

  “Because it’s considered polite and normal to refer to people by their names.”

  They still seemed thrown by this request. “On our world, we share names,” White said.

  “We also have no idea what planet this is, or what your sun is called.”

  The sheep lurched back into some semblance of authority. “I am called Roanach, you stand on the mighty world of Helix Rime, and our noble sun is called Helix Prime.”

  “I am called Clorence,” the possum added quickly. Noted he was a little cross-eyed. Decided not to mention it.

  “We have a friend named Clarence,” I said conversationally.

  “But I am Clorence,” the possum said.

  “Yes. The names are similar. I was making small talk or polite conversation.”

  “Why?” Roanach asked.

  “Because you two aren’t taking us to Mad Lord Johpunnt and we assume that there is a reason you’re delaying,” White said.

  The song was now “Keep This Train a Rollin’” by The Doobie Brothers. Presumably we needed to continue this fun chat. “Maybe they aren’t authorized,” I said to White, in a stage whisper. “They’re kind of out in the middle of nowhere.”

  White nodded. “Perhaps we chose the wrong landing spot.” He was using the stage whisper, too. I loved working with White.

  “We are part of the Outer Guard,” Roanach said, sounding slightly offended. “We are authorized for much.”

  We turned back to Roanach and Clorence. “Sorry,” I said sweetly. “It just doesn’t seem like it. And I have to ask—if there’s only one leader and, therefore, one would assume, only one kingdom, what is it you’re all guarding against?”

  They all gaped at me. “Enemies,” Clorence said finally.

  “Enemies within your own kingdom?” White asked.

  “No,” Roanach said strongly. “All are loyal to the Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection.”

  “So, back to the original question then. If you’re not fighting amongst yourselves, and there is only one ruler in all the world, what are you all guarding against?” Really wondered if they actually knew about other parts of the world or not.

  “We have been a unified world for thousands of years,” Clorence said. Identified him as smarter than Roanach, which currently appeared to be a low bar. “We have no strife amongst ourselves. We serve Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection, as our forebears served those Lords who came before him.”

  “We guard against enemies,” Roanach said as if he’d just figured something out. “Enemies like you, who appear out of nowhere.”

  Obviously these two were not going to grasp the nuances of our issues with their job descriptions. “Okey dokey. Well then, we’re not enemies, we’re visitors. And we need to meet with Mad Lord Johpunnt. Could you direct us to someone who could take us to him?”

  “Why do you want to see Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection?” Clorence asked.

  “Because we have information he will want.”

  Some of the other sheep and possums had gathered ’round. Roanach noticed. “If you truly have information Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection, would want, why did you arrive in secret?”

  “We didn’t,” White said politely. “We couldn’t determine where to land, so we chose a spot that seemed uninhabited where our ship wouldn’t harm anything on your planet.”

  “By the way, sorry, but I just have to ask—are you required to say ‘may the sun continue to love his reflection’ every time you use the dude’s name, or is it just actually part of his full name?”

  “Why would you think that was required?” Clorence asked.

  “Because you say it every time,” White said. “For instance, while I could introduce my companion as Queen Katherine the brave and beautiful, I don’t have to say that every time I speak her name.”

  “Though it does have quite the ring to it, Mister White.”

  “I’ll make a note, My Queen.”

  “You’re a queen?” Roanach asked suspiciously.

  “As hard as that might be to believe, yes. And yet I’m still nowhere closer to getting to have a meeting with Mad Lord Johpunnt and his reflection.”

  The rest of the sheep and possums seemed far more convinced than Roanach and Clorence, and both of them noticed.

  “Perhaps the Mad Lord frowns upon those who bring visiting dignitaries to meet him,” White said to me in the stage whisper. “Maybe we were misinformed and the Mad Lord is not actually the most powerful person in this solar system.”

  “Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection, is the most powerful person in the galaxy!” Roanach said.

  “Um, well, see . . . gosh, how to say this . . . not so much anymore.” My music changed to “Danger Danger” by Hello Hollywood.

  So wasn’t that surprised to hear a step behind us. Sounded like a heavy something with an even heavier hoof. “Bring them to Our Lord,” a very deep voice said. “He will want to meet them before we kill them for their insolence.”

  White and I both turned around. To see a very big, impressive bull who was on his hind legs. Though his hide was black, he had the same big, crazy eyes, scary giant horns, large tusks, footlike rear hooves, and handlike front hooves as the others. He
wasn’t carrying a weapon in his hands, but he had weapons strapped to his back. Wasn’t sure but they looked edged versus projectile and, like him, they were huge.

  Speaking of huge, the people on this world didn’t seem to have chosen to wear clothes. With the sheep and the possums it wasn’t that big a deal. On bulls, however, this one in particular, it was kind of a weird form of advertising.

  “Wow. You’ve never met a cow who didn’t want to get frisky, have you?”

  The bull blinked. “Excuse me?”

  “Where we come from we cover our impressive, ah, members,” White said. “Out of politeness to others.”

  The bull snorted, which was the most impressive snort I’d ever heard or seen. Steam literally came out of his nostrils. “We have no need for false modesty on Helix Rime.”

  “Nothing to be modest about on you, dude, trust me.”

  “This is Queen Katherine and Mister White, Telzor,” Clorence said. “My Queen, this is Telzor, the Captain of the Guard for Mad Lord Johpunnt, may the sun continue to love his reflection.”

  Telzor raised his forehoof, and it was clear he intended to smash Clorence for something, whether introducing us politely, giving us his name, or most likely, referring to me as My Queen. Clorence wasn’t an ally, but he also wasn’t doing anything wrong, at least as far as I was concerned, and decided that my opinion was the one that counted.

  Moved at hyperspeed, grabbed Clorence, and got him behind me and White before Telzor’s swing could hit him.

  The bull looked shocked as his strike whiffed impressively. “What did you do?”

  “Prevented you from hurting someone whose only crime was to try to introduce the people who want to meet your leader to you. Unless I read you wrong and you were going to give him a high five, not smash his head in.”

 

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