“What… does it look… like I’m doing?” I gasp out between breaths.
“Hyperventilating?” he asks, crouching down beside me so he can put a hand to my forehead. He sighs and pulls my hair back to tuck it behind my ears. “What happened? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
I shake my head. “No. Nate.”
“Nate what?”
“I was sending Lulu off,” I rasp. “Then I turned and he was there. I think I saw him.”
“Where?” he asks, holding my shoulders and lifting me to my feet like I’m a feather.
I blush at the warm touch of his hands on my arms. He’s so solid and steady, and for a moment I forget to be afraid.
“Outside. Across the road on the left.”
He makes sure I’m steady against the banister, and when I wave him off, he runs down the stairs and out through the front door. Before I can warn him that Nate is dangerous, not just an asshole. Before I can tell him not to go.
But Lulu is right. I need to let him help if he wants to. Otherwise, I’m being just as controlling as I hate him for being.
And Alex is right. He doesn’t have to be nice to me to be able to protect me.
A moment later, he comes back in through the door. “I don’t see him.”
“A silver car?”
He disappears through the door again. A minute later, he’s back. “I don’t see one anywhere. I’m sorry.” He sounds like he means it, and I slump onto my knees. Alex bounds up the stairs, scoops me up in his arms, and carries me down to the living room to set me on the couch. I give him a quick, grateful smile. Much more comfortable than the floor.
I sit back with a huff and put my arm over my eyes to calm down. I can hear my own heartbeat. This is the effect Nate has on me. I literally feel like I’m going to die.
If I had to go back with him, I’d want to die.
“I’m not going to let him take you, Kira. I promise you that.” Alex’s voice, calm and insistent, breaks into my thoughts.
“How can anyone promise me that, Alex?” I say, turning to him with angry tears in my eyes. “No one can promise that.”
“Why?”
“No one can win against him.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yes,” I say, rubbing away a tear.
“Do you remember my handle?” he asks.
“Yes.”
“Say it,” he says, narrowing his eyes in a way that makes them intensely green.
I can’t help it. I do what he says. “A1pha.”
“Right. How did I get that name?”
“Because you always have to be number one,” I say, grinning and wiping away tears.
“Right,” he says, eyes searching mine. “It’s because I win. I’m not going to lose to him, Kira.”
“Oh yeah,” I say, brushing back my hair. “I forgot. You actually love winning.”
“There’s that,” he says, watching me thoughtfully. I try to keep my eyes on his face, though they keep trying to wander down lower, to his amazing chest, awesome abs, and…
“Yeah.”
“And there’s the fact that I promised you my protection.”
“Oh yeah, that all-important protection.”
“What else do you want from me?” he asks exasperatedly.
“I don’t know.” I shake my head. No, I decide to be honest. “I want honesty. I want to heal things between us.” I take a deep breath. “I didn’t know what happened to your parents, Alex.”
He sucks in breath between his teeth and lets it out in a hiss. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I would have been there for you if I’d known. If he’d let me.”
“Sure,” he says, eyes narrowed. “Easy to say now, when you don’t have to do anything.”
“I still want to do something, whatever I can.”
He shakes his head. “There’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing anyone can do.”
“Then why be angry?”
He turns to me, face deadly still. “I think I’m going to be angry for the rest of my life. If you can’t handle that, then you don’t have to be around me. You can wait until I handle Nate and then leave if you want. But I have to handle him, Kira. It’s the least I can do since I’m the one who chased you into his arms. But I had no idea, Kira. I swear I had no idea he would hurt you. I mean… like that.”
I can feel my cheeks burning in embarrassment. Why does abuse have to make the victim feel embarrassed while the abuser walks untroubled?
“But I’m going to get him, Kira. I’m going to make you safe again. You only have to put up with me until then.”
“I don’t want to just ‘put up’ with you. I want—”
He stands abruptly, cutting me off. “Come outside. I want to show you something.”
I sigh and stand, following him out the front door, still a little wary that Nate could be out there. As he walks toward the large triple garage, I scan the street. He’s right. He’s gone. Either I hallucinated him out of my own fear, or he left when he was seen.
I turn back to Alex and the garage and gasp as a pristine row of six cars gleams in the sun. Blinding chrome and sparkling paint as far as the eye can see. Brands I’ve never seen in person.
So this is a billionaire’s garage. Both of my eyebrows feel stuck to the top of my hairline. My eyes are wide, trying to take in as much of the view as I can. I realize I’m just standing there like an idiot when Alex waves a hand for me to come over.
I walk over in a stupor.
“Which would you like?” he asks quietly.
“What? Excuse me?” I ask incredulously.
He puts his hands in his pockets and leans to the side in a sexy way. A breeze ruffles his perfectly natural highlighted hair. “You can borrow one. While your car is… unavailable. As long as you promise you won’t go to Nate’s or go anywhere unsafe alone. At least as long as he’s out there.”
I swallow, throat tight and dry from staring at the cars in front of me. “You have to be kidding.”
“No,” he says, sweeping a hand out in front of him from car to car. “Any one.”
“Any?” I ask, walking forward between a shiny white corvette with navy-blue top and a black Jaguar sedan. My eyes catch a metallic silver vintage Porsche Boxster at the end of the garage. Of course I wouldn’t dare drive that…
He follows my gaze and flinches slightly, then hides it. “Anything but the Boxster. No one drives it.”
“Really?” I ask. “How do you keep it maintained?”
He just shakes his head. “No one drives it.”
“But…” I hesitate, looking at the beautiful car and aching that it just has to gather dust like that.
“It was my dad’s,” he utters tersely, turning away from the garage.
He’s a silhouette in the sunlight, back wide and strong as usual against some invisible force I can’t see or feel. But I have an idea of what it is now, and at least I can face it with him. I can be by his side. I walk forward toward him, into the sun.
He’s staring off into the street, lashes long in profile, tips invisible in the light. His mouth is pursed into a slight frown. I can’t even imagine what he must be feeling right now. What he’s been going through.
I reach up a hand to touch his hair and he flinches. We never touched much, even when we were close before.
“What are you thinking?” I ask quietly, dropping my hand again.
He sighs. “So many things. So many pointless things, like I always do. Sometimes I wish I could make it be quiet inside.”
“I know something that makes it quiet inside.”
He gives me a disapproving look, but a hint of a grin teases the corner of his mouth. “I don’t think that would be quiet at all.”
I flush. “Right.”
He stands there in silence, watching the trees across the road.
“But you know it’d block out the other stuff,” I say.
He gives me a side-glance, seeming to consider it, a
nd then turns back to the road.
“Oh, wait, never mind. I forgot you hated me.”
He says nothing. I can tell the sprinklers have been on recently because the grass and bushes are sparkling in the light, and the smell of fresh greenery is all around us.
“I don’t hate you,” he says quietly.
“Oh?”
He keeps staring forward rather than facing me. It’s infuriating, but at least I have the benefit of watching his profile, perfect and seemingly carved out of marble.
“What, then?”
He shoves his hands deeper in his pockets. “It’s not that I haven’t tried to hate you. It’s just that…” He gives me a rueful glance. “You drive me crazy sometimes, Kira.”
“I do have that effect,” I say, thinking of Nate.
“Did you really not know?” His eyes are serious, and my heart leaps that he’s giving me the chance to be truly believed.
“I didn’t, Alex. I swear on everything dear to me. I didn’t know. I would have come if I did. Nothing could have stopped me from running to your side.”
“I want to believe you,” he says quietly.
“So believe me,” I say softly.
“Even if I do,” he says, his voice pained, “it doesn’t change things that much. As much as I’ve wanted to be mad at you, the problem is really me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m broken, Kira,” he says, his tone dead as he stares out at nothing in particular. “I’m just too broken. You came back too late.”
“No, I didn’t. I can still help.”
“There’s nothing to help,” he says coldly. “I just. I’m not the person you knew before. That person went down on the ship with my family.”
“I know, but—”
“So as much as I can see that you want there to be some kind of romance between us, as much as I forgive you, I have nothing to offer you. To offer anyone right now.”
“Don’t say that,” I say. “You can be an ass sometimes, but you still have lots to offer. You offer me your protection.”
“I don’t have to use my heart to protect you,” he says quietly. “Just my fists. And my head. Those work just fine.”
“You can’t just turn off everything like that, Alex. You have to let people in.”
“So I should let you in? You, who meant everything and then disappeared, never to be heard from again? Who didn’t care enough to even hear when my parents died? Give me one good reason why I should.”
I think for a moment. “Because deep down, you can feel how badly you want to.”
“Huh. That’s funny. Deep down, all I feel is broken.”
Tears prick my eyes, and when I swipe at them, he turns to me.
“Ah, dammit. Don’t cry, Kira.”
“What am I supposed to do?” I say, swiping angrily at every tear that dares to tickle my cheeks. “Laugh?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do either.” He shifts his weight uncomfortably.
“If you hate seeing me cry, you should definitely be glad I didn’t come earlier. I would have bawled constantly.”
“No impulse control,” he says.
“And you have too much,” I say. “Seriously, have you even cried at all?”
He turns to me, eyes so hard they border on unhinged. “No. No, because I know if I do, I will never stop screaming. I will lose myself.”
I put a hand up to his face, and he flinches but doesn’t pull away. “I won’t let you.”
He puts a reluctant hand over mine and shakes his head as he comes forward. “I don’t believe you.” He presses his lips together as his face tightens in pain. “I can’t believe you.” He lifts his gaze to mine, eyes burning bright. “But I do want you.”
“Then I’m all yours.” I turn my face up to his. I’ll take whatever he can give.
Chapter 13
At my words, hesitation flashes across his face. Grief. Confusion. And when his eyes look down to my mouth, a kind of longing.
But when his eyes rise to meet mine again, I realize he’s not going to do it. I realize the hardship of the opposite of my personality. Rather than impulsiveness, he’s perpetually trapped in a cage of his own overthinking.
Not to mention, there’s too much distance between us. Too much of him that doesn’t forgive me. Too much broken.
A deep, wide canyon stretches between us, and though I pace it anxiously, scanning it and wondering if I could make it, I can’t seem to commit. I don’t want to leap into the air, fail to span the gap, and fall to my death.
When I look up, Alex’s face is hardening again. I’m going to lose him.
I’d be stupid to do this. If I thought it through, I’d know that. Luckily for Alex, I’m impulsive enough to take that risk for both of us.
I jump, shedding the last of my flimsy inhibitions as I grab the front of his shirt and pull his lips onto mine, taking what I’ve wanted since I sat next to him on that porch all those months ago.
His lips are cool, from adrenaline or from the breeze, but the curve of them fits perfectly to mine, like two halves of a puzzle.
The cool air around us is a stark contrast to the heat between us. All is silent, save for the distant rustling of leaves and Alex’s breathing, low and quiet, as he tries to remain steady and unaffected. I dig my hands into his shirt, trying to pull him closer. He has to take the leap with me or I’m going to fall into the gap alone.
He lets out a tense breath and pulls back to study me, fire burning bright in those intense green eyes.
When I try to pull on his shirt again, he takes my hands in his, entwines our fingers and takes control of the situation. He walks me backward, to the side of the garage door, and leans me back against it with my hands pinned on either side of my head. Please let this mean he’s going to jump.
“Alex,” I plead softly, searching his eyes with mine. I’m begging him to join me, to be impulsive just this once.
His face twists at my plea, and I see the moment he gives in, the hate he feels at himself for doing it, flashing across his features in micro-expressions.
Then he lets out a softly muttered oath and lowers his mouth to mine.
As our lips meld together, I know I’m not going to fall. There’s no cold anymore. His lips are all heat, joining us as one, pressing to mine, then pulling away only to come back and find another perfect fit. He runs his tongue swiftly along my lower lip in a teasing way that has me opening my mouth in desperation, hoping he’ll come in. After what seems like forever, he finally does, tongue stroking me to feverish intensity as I match his thrusts with my own. Beautiful friction, waking up every nerve and causing heat to pool in my belly and lower. His hands press me back, keeping me from coming to him, keeping me accessible, as he claims my mouth more fully, more urgently, the way I’ve been wanting him to. Need without the bitterness behind it.
I want him so badly. I moan and he speeds up, licking and teasing and making me forget we’re out on the street where anyone can see us. I can barely stand, but his hands are holding me up anyway.
He’s aggressive and overwhelming, and when I give myself up to the pleasure he insists on delivering, he smiles against my lips, happy with my surrender. At least that part of Alex isn’t broken. He still loves to win.
He pulls back for a moment, leaving me dizzy with pleasure, and then lowers his head to my neck, biting the delicate flesh there, licking it, blowing across it with warm breath that sears the wet, sensitive skin. He keeps moving along my shoulder, nipping and licking and making it so I can barely breathe as shocks shoot through my system. He finds places I didn’t know wanted to be touched and does things to them I didn’t know were possible.
I want so badly to touch him too, but he keeps my hands pressed to either side of me as he takes control again, moving in a slow, agonizing line up to the spot below my ear that I can barely stand touched, let alone sucked.
But his stupid, perfect reflexes note every movement of my body, each little gas
p, each squirm of pleasure. I can’t reveal anything without him understanding completely. I hadn’t even thought about how his skills would apply to the bedroom. How it would feel to be played by a pro gamer.
He’s going to make me beg.
I sigh in frustration, but he just gives me a cocky grin and takes my earlobe between his teeth. He bites down and I arch back, and he lets go of my hands so he can his hands over my shoulders and down my sides, setting off more sparks. He digs into the flesh of my waist, claiming me, owning me, as his tongue drives me to distraction.
He’s merciless in finding the most sensitive places and applying his pressure there, forcing everything in me to respond to him, acknowledge him.
His hand moves to the top of my hip, over a tiny place that sets off a reflex deep inside me. I squirm violently to get out from under his hand, to make his hand do that again. But his hands are there and everywhere, grazing me, setting off sparks and not staying to stoke the fire. Teasing me to distraction. It’s sweet torture, so strong I can’t stand it and so good I can’t bear for it to end.
His hands cup my face, his eyes move over me tenderly, and I can see the confusion welling there, warring with a million other emotions. So that’s what it’s like in Alex’s Dumont’s head.
He presses his forehead to mine for a moment, and I can tell he’s as overwhelmed as I am, though he’s the one in control. Letting out another oath, he comes back to take my lips again.
He entwines my hair in his hands as he takes me for one last, slow kiss. For a moment, he just presses against me, like he’s trying to be close to me in a desperate way. After a frozen moment, he sighs and pulls back, dragging my lower lip gently through his teeth before finally letting me go. Like he didn’t want to.
I stare up at him in a daze, wondering where all the air in the world went. He shakes his head slightly, looking just as overcome as I am.
I can see the moment he decides one last kiss isn’t enough. He’ll get no argument from me. I’ll never have enough last kisses with him.
When his lips softly take mine, it’s not the fiery kiss against the door from the other night. It’s years of longing, of misunderstanding, of missing one another. Of lost chances or unspoken feelings, of pain that mixes with pleasure until you can’t tell which is which. I want it to go on forever. I know when we pull apart, things will be complicated again. He’ll go back across the divide and I’ll have to start planning how to jump it again.
Play Me: A1pha (Alpha) Part 1 Page 10