by Simone Kelly
The father I never knew, I saw in all the French fries who came in and out of our door. I never realized how I craved male attention, how unhealthy it was sitting in their laps and being alone with them while my mom was working late. My mother put me at risk each and every night. Her naiveté was pathetic.
When I first met Breeze, I was only sixteen but could have fooled someone into thinking I was about twenty. One night I sat on the couch in polka-dot panties with a white tank top, no bra. My face was close to the fan, trying to manufacture that windswept hair look. It was a hot night and the air conditioner was busted once again. But what was worse was that I was hot for something and I just wanted to see if I could get it.
True wasn’t home yet. She was working late at her grimy “massage” parlor spot in Chinatown. Breeze was her newest find from a nightclub where she bartended on the weekends. He was the DJ and one of the youngest guys I ever saw her with. DJ Breeze, a college kid. True was reaching a new low. He called and I told him she’d be home in a few minutes and to come over.
Deep chocolate skin, peach fuzz on his chin, and a silky black mustache. Tall, slim, chiseled. He was fine. I knew I could get him. He was closer to my age, anyway.
The doorbell rang. I put on my Wet n Wild lip gloss and fluffed up my straight shoulder-length hair so that I looked wild and seductive, like True. I rubbed my nipples to make them hard before opening the door, something I saw her do religiously, right before I was told to go to my room and mind my business.
“Heeey, Breeze.” I smiled up at him, kinda hiding behind the door.
He walked in and looked down at my panties. My legs were exposed. Shapely, caramel, and tempting my helpless victim.
“Hey, sugah. Where’s your mom?” He looked past me through the darkness of the living room. I was invisible.
“She’s not home yet. Oh shit, this is dope.” I reached in for his navy-blue two-way pager, which had a see-through plastic cover.
“Oh, thanks, I just got it.” His smile glimmered. His bedroom eyes sparkled, reminiscent of the model Tyson Beckford. He let me know I had him.
“Can I see it?” I put a little butter in my voice, dripping with a touch of seduction. I moved close to him and started unhooking the pager from his belt. I felt so hot, I wanted to get closer. I could smell the cocoa mango oil he must have just put on before meeting his old lady lover.
I took a little longer than needed to tug on his belt and unhook the pager.
He walked around me, toward the living room, trying to control his wandering eyes. “Why don’t you put some pants on, Kylie? Damn!”
“Why? Am I making you uncomfortable, Breeze? The A/C is broken again. Just pretend I have on a bathing suit. Besides, this is what I wear to bed and it’s fucking hot in here.”
Breeze narrowed his eyes. “Why do you have to curse? A pretty mouth like that and nothing but dirt coming out of it. . . .” He clenched his jaw.
“Oh, so sorry I’ve offended you, Mr. Breeze.” I held his pager and walked around him, in front of the TV, slowly. Very slowly. I knew he was watching each step and the glow from the TV was the spotlight that I needed on my silhouette. I drew him closer to me with my eyes. I had a mental lasso wrapped around his dick. I sat on the couch next to him. I felt powerful and in control. Master of the universe. I didn’t even really want him, but I wanted him to want me. That was the goal.
He mumbled, “I ain’t trying to catch a case messing with you.”
“What’s that?” I snickered.
“Nothing . . .” He grunted. He sat on the edge of the couch, but couldn’t pull away from me. That lasso yanked him. Yanked him good. I sat facing him, with my knees up, so he could see all of me. I wanted him to take a peek. “The power of the P . . . goes a long way,” True would say. He should want me, not her old ass.
The blue glow from a Good Times rerun filled the room. I didn’t turn on the lights. He shifted uncomfortably on the couch. “What time is she coming home?” He wrung his hands nervously and bit his bottom lip, real sexy like. It was as if he was contemplating what to do next. Would he watch me or Florida Evans? I stared at him and smiled, so that he could make a decision.
“At two A.M.,” I said softly.
“I thought you said in a few minutes when I called?”
I chuckled. “Oh, you must have heard me wrong. What, you don’t mind waiting, do you?” I leaned in. “I like your haircut.” I ran my finger down his sideburn. I couldn’t believe my own boldness.
He looked at me from the corner of his eye, shook his head, and smiled. “You are something else. But I like it. Why you so hot? You don’t have a little boyfriend to take care of you?”
“No, I have friends. No boyfriend. I’m too young to be tied down like that. What about you, is True your woman now? Don’t you already have a mama?” I laughed. “Or is she just one of many?” I pretended to look through the numbers in his beeper.
He had his hand out. “Come on, give it back now. You wildin’, looking through my stuff.”
He reached for it and I playfully pulled it away. I placed his beeper in between my legs and hit the vibrating switch. The thunderbolt feeling on my spot was unknown and curiously stimulating. I always heard True talk about vibrators with her friends, but had no idea it felt that good.
“Oh my God!” I giggled like the teenager I was. “This feels good.”
I pulled his hand on top of the buzzing beeper. “Feel it, Breeze.” I squirmed.
He slowly joined in with the rhythmic caressing of my spot. He didn’t resist. Sweat formed on his forehead.
“Yo, Kylie. Why are you making me do this?” He nervously looked at the clock on the VCR. It said 11:58 P.M. He pulled away. “We can’t.”
I tugged his hand harder. His hand moved our makeshift vibrator up and down on my red polka dots. He looked at me seductively. “See what you’re doing to me?” He took my hand and moved it on his long smoothness. It felt like steel under denim, bursting to venture into the forbidden and the unknown. I was curious to feel him inside me. I wanted to feel the way True felt when I heard her making love with one of her many men. I wanted to know what they did to make her feel good. I wanted to be pursued, the way she was.
We stopped. He rubbed my thighs. “How old are you again, darlin’? You can’t possibly be the age your mom said.”
I stood up and opened the terrace sliding door to get more air. “I’m seventeen and a half,” I lied. I was sixteen.
“She said you were thirteen.”
“She wishes.” I laughed. “She always lies about everything. You’re not the only young guy who comes over here, you know?”
He stood up next to me and pinned me up against the sliding door.
“Oh yeah? But am I the only one who has fucked you?”
“You ain’t fuck me, Breeze, so don’t even play yourself.” I rolled my eyes. He pressed his body against me and I felt his hardness on my thigh.
He spoke in a slow deep voice, sending goose bumps down my arms. “Oh, what, you just teasing me? Inviting me over early, coming to the door with your plump little titties and ass hanging out. I can see everything, sugah.”
I shifted, turned on and a bit nervous at the same time. His warm breath made me tingle as he spoke low in my ear. “You want me to fuck that tight pussy? You were going for yours and I like that shit, Kylie. I’ll leave before she gets here.” He kissed me on my neck. I sighed from how sexy he made me feel.
“Now who has the dirty mouth?” I laughed nervously. “Breeze, I was just testing you.” I got scared and now wanted out. Kissing him I didn’t mind, but sex, I was calling his bluff. I was toying with the idea of actually going through with it. True thought she was the master of the game, but it looked like I could take her crown. I moved away from the glass door and back to the couch.
He followed me and pinned me to the couch with one arm, kneeling over me. He was strong and forceful. “You’re so pretty, so damn young and tender.” He rubbed his peach fuzz agains
t my cheek and started to kiss my neck. I kissed him back, grinding on him, like I did to boys my age. He got worked up and wanted to take it further.
Breeze moved my panties to the side and started working his hot fingers inside me. It felt incredible to be craved like that. His hands slowly yanked my panties halfway down. He ventured between my thighs and buried his face between my legs.
“What are you doing?” I scooted away.
“Don’t tell me you never had no one eat that pussy. As bold as you want to act?”
“Nah, that shit is nasty.” I started to pull my panties back up. He pulled them back down and became more aggressive. The excitement of my mother walking in on us sent me over the edge. I wanted her to see just what she’d created. I wanted her to see how she couldn’t trust men, because they would always want something their own age or much younger. I sighed as he took off his pants. I was shocked to see what came out. It was bigger than I’d expected. I was even more nervous for talking so much shit. I didn’t know how that thing was going inside of me. He grunted like an animal trying to get it in. He pinned me down as I winced in pain.
“Talking . . . all that smack . . . and baby girl is tight as a box. . . . This shit feels so fucking good. Are you giving it up to me? You giving me this tight stuff to me, darlin’?” He put his fingers inside me again and I scooted back from how rough he was. “You have any Vaseline? You are so tight.” I pointed to the bathroom. I took a moment to catch my breath.
I wanted him. My decision was made. He came back greased up and saluting me. He eased in . . . eased in slowly. . . . I yelped. His hot dick couldn’t make its way in no matter how wide I spread my legs. My cringes gave him pause. He moved down my torso and began to lick and suck. A feeling I had never experienced before. I relaxed and moaned with pleasure. He returned his face to mine. My eyes squeezed tight, wincing from the initial pain. My breath was short, legs paralyzed with fear. It hurt and yet it felt so good to know I’d gotten him under my spell. I dug into his shoulders with my nails as he entered me. I moaned, I yelled, I pretended the pain felt good. I tried to simulate the movements I’d seen in my mother’s dirty pornos that I snuck and watched. I tried to suck on his neck, like I practiced on my boyfriends. I was trying too hard and my acting gave it away. My moans sounded like pain and not pleasure.
I watched his mouth open as though in extreme ecstasy, the creases in his eyebrows showing me he was in heaven. Warm . . . pulsating . . . wet. I didn’t know it would go so deep inside of me. I swear I could feel it in my stomach. My back arched and he tried to be more gentle. He whispered in my ear and kissed my face. I felt so loved. I wanted him to love me, to take me away from there.
“You’re a virgin?” Breeze said in my ear as his sweaty body moved in a slow, steady rhythm. Innocent, I was not. I had tried many other things and definitely gotten very close, but I had never actually gone all the way.
The joy I thought I was going to feel wasn’t quite what it turned out to be. I started crying and couldn’t stop crying. The guilt started to take over as I realized just how desperate I’d become for attention. I gave up my virginity to one of my mother’s boyfriends. This was not the way my first time was supposed to be. What was I thinking?
“What are you crying for, darlin’? Oh, sweetness . . . oh, this pussy feels so . . . Ohhhhhhh!”
He came inside me. My mother’s boyfriend came inside me. That was not supposed to happen! Sweat dripped all over me. My relaxed hair was fuzzy. Love marks were all over the insides of my thighs. Wet . . . swollen . . . dripping with his juices. Is this how it felt every night to True when she had sex with one of her random men? It felt disgusting.
“I’d better go. . . . She’s gonna know we was fucking. Look at us. We smell like sex.” Breeze stood over me as he wiped himself down with a towel. His body was soaked and I liked how sexy he was. The TV reflected off his carved chest.
He left the towel on the couch. It had a pink streak of my blood, evidence that I had now crossed the passage into womanhood. Disgusting. Evidence. Proof that what he took I would never get back.
I kissed him at the door. I glanced at the clock. Right on time, 1:30 A.M. The real time she was coming home. “You made me feel so good, Breeze.”
“Don’t let no one else have that pussy. Keep it tight. Imma call you tomorrow, darlin’, okay?”
I jumped into the shower feeling scared, nervous, and accomplished all at once.
The next day, he told me he bumped into True on the way out of the building. Turns out she was coming home with a dude she met that night at the parlor. A blow to his young ego, but confirmation that he shouldn’t have any guilt for banging her daughter and taking her virginity.
He started coming over at night, before True got home. He would give me money or buy me nice earrings and sneakers. True never suspected a thing. She thought she’d trained me well and I was juicing some boy at school. I still don’t know if he kept seeing her, but I wouldn’t put it past him.
A month after our first encounter, I noticed my nipples starting to feel full and swollen. I got sick a few times at lunch. That was just one of the three pregnancies I aborted over the years with Breeze. Even though I was on the pill, I was careless sometimes and missed days and I was apparently very fertile. He never forgave me because he wanted to start a family, but that was insane. I was a still a teenager. I wanted to live my life.
Breeze has been in and out of my life for ten years. Never quite my man, but always there. That little secret we held was what brought us closer. But I always had to keep him at a distance. If he could fuck his girlfriend’s teenage daughter, what else would he be willing to do?
As I got older, his appetite for sex grew. When I was around eighteen is when he introduced me to a whole new world of erotica, porn, and exhibitionism. We did it on rooftops, in parking lots, movie theaters, and subways. Breeze taught me so many tricks, so many ways to please a man. As much as I tried, I couldn’t kick the habit. He had a tame-stick between his legs and he controlled me with it. Men my age seemed immature by comparison, and I was never interested in them. Breeze stayed in my speed dial, no matter what. If there was ever a rainy night and my panties were moist, he was the one I’d call.
The secret I thought I would bring with me to my grave didn’t quite stay a secret. When I went away to college, I left some photos at home and True found them. They were of Breeze and me on a Valentine’s Day hanging at my dorm. She barely remembered his name, but she knew he was one of her conquests. It took three years of calling me every kind of name in the book and hardly speaking before she was over it. I always denied it. I said I didn’t even know he was one of her many men. She never believed me, but I guess she saw herself in me and eventually let it go.
Guilt still consumes me from all the things I did during my teens. Now I realize I was starved for attention. At the time, in my mind, taking one of her boy toys was justified. Taking one of her men proved to me I had the power of the P and I had now graduated into womanhood. I was the new master of the game. True always claimed to have what was now in my hands.
I realize now I didn’t love myself enough, and I had serious issues with True. Well, I still have issues with her, but I’m working on forgiving her and yeah . . . forgiving myself.
Even after the many ups and downs in our relationship, Breeze wouldn’t take no for an answer. He tried to pull me back right before I left the Big Apple.
10:15 P.M.
BREEZE: Whatcha doing, sugah?
KYLIE: Hey you. I’m chillin’ at home.
BREEZE: Feel like some company?
KYLIE: What, you have something in mind?
BREEZE: Special Delivery. Open the door in ten min.
I walked to the kitchen to put a cup in the sink. I had on boxer shorts and a tank top, and my ’fro was wild and lopsided. I fluffed it up in the mirror and splashed some water on my face and brushed my teeth. Breeze would always try to surprise me. Although some thought it was romantic, I knew bette
r. He wanted to make sure his young piece of ass was staying in line and “keeping it tight.”
The last I saw him was a little different, since he could finally tell that I was, really, leaving for Miami. The sky-high boxes packed in each corner and black squares on my wall where photos and art used to hang revealed my poor housekeeping skills.
He walked in and we embraced. “You’re really leaving me, darlin’?” He smelled so good. I told myself to be strong.
“I want a change and, Breeze . . . I can’t wait on you anymore. I can’t do it.”
“I can dig it,” he said nonchalantly as he stared at my lips. “I still love you even after all this time. I know I’ll always love you, but for some reason, Ky . . .” He turned away and went to sit on the couch. “I think it’s that . . . you were so cruel. I don’t think I could ever forgive you for what you did. No way.”
“Are you kidding me?” I stood over him waving my hands in anger. “How long do you think you can use that cop-out Breeze? I wasn’t gonna be your baby mama and I was way too young to have a child.”
“So, why didn’t you take your birth control? Maybe deep down you wanted one. You were old enough with the last one. You were twenty-one.” He sulked.
“I told you, I thought I did. I messed up a few times and forgot. Look, bringing up the past will do nothing. My life is just beginning and I plan on starting over with a clean slate in Miami.” It didn’t make it any easier that True would go fuckin’ berserk if she knew Breeze was the father of her first grandchild.
He ran his hand up my leg and leaned in. “You cutting me loose, sugah?” He looked up at me with those sly eyes. His hand slid between my legs.
I shrugged my shoulders, wishing he’d just leave and not give me any more memories, good or bad.
He kissed me and I tried to resist, but I started to melt from the short pecks and sucks.
“I . . . I miss you,” I mumbled weakly. Fuck.
“What do you miss? Tell me, sugah.”
“Kissing you.” It was so good, I felt vulnerable in his arms, safe, loved. But I knew it was just a temporary illusion. My phone started to ring.