Elizabeth’s gasp could have been heard for a two block radius. “You said a bad word,” she admonished, eyes bright with a combination of censure and scandalized interest.
Cringing, Athena pulled the bottle of juice from the rusting white refrigerator and poured some in a small plastic glass. “I know, and I’m really sorry.” She handed the juice to Elizabeth and sat down across from her again.
“You’re not apposed to say words like that.” Elizabeth picked up the glass and drank with the thirst of a Bedouin who missed the turn to the last oasis.
“I know,” Athena repeated. “It’s a bad habit I got into while I was gone, and I’m going to stop it, okay?”
Finishing the juice with an explosive gasp, Elizabeth nodded and set the glass down again.
“Good grief, Elizabeth. Slow down a little.” She noticed the orange moustache adorning her daughter’s upper lip and handed over the dishtowel. “You’re going to make yourself sick. What’s the hurry?”
“If I eat fast then we can talk, and then maybe we can go to the park.” Elizabeth scrubbed at her mouth with the towel. “I’m done now,” she added, and stifled a belch behind her hand. “’Scuse me.”
“All right,” Athena sighed. “Take your dishes to the sink and make sure you rinse them out well, especially that glass. We don’t want any ants.”
Athena finished her coffee while Elizabeth splashed in the sink behind her. Now that it was time to break the news, her stomach was jumping around like a roomful of toddlers on a sugar high. She’d been practicing her part of the conversation since she boarded the plane in Los Angeles, trying to come up with the best way to explain things to an almost-seven-year-old in a way she could understand. Of course, things could go in any number of ways, depending on Elizabeth’s reaction.
“Done!” As Elizabeth skipped into the living room, Athena rose from her chair.
“Do not turn on that TV again,” she said, forestalling any ideas Elizabeth might have had. “You’ve already had your cartoon fix for the day.”
“Okay, I guess I can read a book,” Elizabeth replied with a complete lack of enthusiasm.
“No, just sit down and wait for me. I’ll be right there.” Athena drained the milk from her untouched cereal, and dumped the soggy mess left into the trash. She rinsed out the bowl and her coffee cup, and took a deep, fortifying breath. Steeling her shoulders, she went into the living room, ready for whatever came next.
Elizabeth was sitting on the threadbare green sofa gazing out the open window, and Athena’s heart squeezed tight as she looked at her. That profile was Derek’s to a T; the straight, well-shaped nose, the defined jaw, and the hint of a cleft in her chin. As far as Athena could tell, the only thing the child inherited from her was her eyebrows. They had an arch, while Derek’s slashed straight over his eyes. Once again, she was glad Elizabeth also inherited Derek’s calm, accepting nature. Well, barring his actions toward her, of course, but that was to be expected.
She sat next to Elizabeth and patted her leg. “Wanna sit in my lap?”
The little girl climbed onto Athena’s lap and snuggled her head against her mother’s chest. “Am I in trouble?” she asked in a small voice.
“Not even a little bit,” Athena assured her with a hug. “But I want you to listen close, okay? ‘Cause this is important.”
“Okay.”
“All right.” For better or worse, she dived in. “You know how you’ve always thought Steve was your daddy?”
“Mm-hm.”
“Well, that’s not the truth.” She patted Elizabeth’s back when she felt her start of surprise. “He really wanted to be, and he even tried to be your daddy. But he wasn’t.”
If Elizabeth’s voice was small before, now it was miniscule. “Why not?”
“Because when I met Steve, you were already growing in my tummy. Since your real daddy wasn’t here, Steve married me so he could be your daddy.” Well, that wasn’t the truth, either, but Elizabeth didn’t need to know that.
“Why wasn’t my real daddy here?” A little more volume came into Elizabeth’s voice, and Athena detected more than a little interest.
Praying she’d get it right, she took a deep breath before answering. “Because I messed up. I didn’t tell him I was going to have a baby, so he didn’t know about you.”
“But why not?” Elizabeth sat up and peered at her mother, a small frown of confusion between her eyes.
“Well, he lives way across the ocean, in a country called England, and…”
“Like London, England?” Elizabeth interrupted. “We learned about that in school.”
Athena smiled. “That’s exactly where he lives. London, England. But even though he lived so far away, I tried to call him to tell him we had a baby coming.”
“Me, right?”
“Yep. I called his house, but someone else answered and told me a lie about your daddy.”
Elizabeth looked offended. “Someone lied?”
“Yes, they did.” Athena nodded. “They told me your daddy was going to marry someone else, and that made me sad.”
At her words, Elizabeth grew solemn. “He shouldn’t have married someone else.”
“He didn’t munchkin. It was a lie, remember? But I didn’t know it was a lie, and I was so sad when I thought it was the truth that I never told him about you.” She put her hands on Elizabeth’s soft little cheeks and looked into her eyes. “That was very, very wrong, Elizabeth. Even if he did marry someone else, I should have told him about you. He’s your daddy, and he deserved to know. If I’d done the right thing and told him, he would have been here for you all your life. I made a big mistake, and I’m very, very sorry.”
“It’s okay, Mommy.” In trying to reassure her mother, Elizabeth apparently forgot about sounding like a baby. Her soft hand patted her mother’s cheek. “Don’t be sorry.”
Athena closed her eyes to hide a rush of tears. “Well, I am sorry. But I want to make it up to you, so listen to this.” With her tears banished for the moment, she looked at Elizabeth again and smiled. “While I was gone, I was with your daddy.”
The little girl’s eyes grew round. “You were?”
“Uh-huh. And I told him about you, and guess what?”
“What?”
“He’s so happy you’re his little girl!” She gave Elizabeth a squeeze. “He’s really glad to be your daddy, and he’s coming here next week to see you.”
“He is?” Elizabeth wriggled with excitement.
“Yep. He told me so. And when he saw your picture he couldn’t stop looking at it.”
A look of skepticism, so typical of children, lifted one of Elizabeth’s brows. “Where’d he see my picture?”
An image of the shocked disbelief on Derek’s face when he saw the Christmas photo popped into Athena’s head, but she pushed it away. Though he hadn’t said much about Elizabeth, it was clear he was determined to be an involved father. At least, she hoped that his vehemence indicated that he already loved his daughter.
“He borrowed your photo book so he could look at your pictures. He’ll bring it with him when he comes.” Her mind added that he’d damn well better.
Silence followed this last statement as Elizabeth mulled things over, and Athena sat still, willing to give her all the time she needed to process the information.
A beam of sunlight shone on the back of Elizabeth’s head, highlighting the redder strands of her hair, and a fist squeezed Athena’s heart. While she was scared shitless about Derek’s impending arrival, she couldn’t wait to see him with Elizabeth for the first time, those two dark heads close together and those two sets of startling blue eyes looking into each other’s.
“What’s my daddy’s name?”
Elizabeth’s question drew Athena out of her musings, and she drew in a breath. “Oh. It’s Derek Marshall.”
“So my name will be Elizabeth Marshall, right?”
Whoa. That was something she hadn’t considered. But given the way Derek beha
ved, she rather thought he’d insist on it. “I’m pretty sure it will be. We’ll practice spelling it so when you start to school next year you’ll know how to write it.”
“And your name will be Athena Marshall.”
“Well, no, munchkin. I’ll still be Athena Chandler.”
An obstinate frown appeared on Elizabeth’s face. “Mama. Families all have the same name. You can’t be Athena Chandler anymore.”
Oh, boy. How could she explain this one? “You’re right that most families have the same name. But not all of them do. Your daddy and I aren’t married, so I won’t have his last name. But since you’re his little girl, you will. See?”
Small arms crossed themselves over Elizabeth’s chest. “Then you’ll just have to marry Daddy.”
“Honey,” she said gently. “That’s not going to happen.”
A huff of breath indicated Elizabeth’s opinion on the matter. “We’ll see.”
Maybe after Elizabeth spent some time with Derek she’d understand better. Athena was certain he wouldn’t arrive in Memphis inclined to be any more civil to her than he must. And like Elizabeth said earlier, when someone said “We’ll see,” it meant “No.”
CHAPTER TWENTY
Derek hung up the phone feeling like he’d just been run through a blender. With broken glass. And daggers. He fell back on the bed spread-eagled and released a weary sigh. What he really wanted was a stiff shot or six, but he couldn’t summon the energy to get up and find the alcohol. Funny how the after-effects of seething anger included a bone-deep exhaustion and pounding head. Kind of like the after-effects of a stiff shot or six.
He’d expected his parents to be shocked at the news that they were not only grandparents, but grandparents of an almost seven year old. After a solid half-hour of answering the same questions over and over, Derek had moved on by informing his mother that her granddaughter shared her name.
This brought on a whole new set of questions, none of which Derek could answer since they all pertained to what little Elizabeth was like. And once that subject was exhausted, the fight had begun.
Derek shook his head at the ceiling. His parents had loved Athena when they met her during that summer; how could they spew such vitriol about her now? He cringed, knowing he’d done the same thing. But it didn’t make it any easier to hear his mum and dad eviscerate her over the phone. He had tried to control himself since he could understand where they were coming from, but when his father had told him – actually commanded him – to stay away from “that whore,” Derek snapped.
“‘That whore’ is the mother of your granddaughter,” he yelled into the phone. “She’s the same girl I brought home seven years ago, and this character assassination ends now. If you want to blame anyone for this fucked-up situation, talk to your own daughter about the friends she keeps. It was Janie’s friend Tina who started this, but I’m ending it here!”
Groaning, he rolled off the bed and trudged into the suite’s living room in search of something to mellow him out. A quick check of the bottles on the small table near the window showed him he didn’t have enough booze to get buzzed, much less toasted. Well, that’s what he got for kicking his personal assistant out of her job. Yeah, because that was what bothered him, the lack of a personal assistant.
He returned to the bedroom long enough to scoop up his room key, and headed toward the door of the suite with the goal of tracking down something that would numb not only his mind but maybe soothe his heart, too. He jerked open the door and dodged by reflex as Paul’s fist whistled past his head.
“What the hell?” Putting his hand flat on Paul’s chest, he pushed the singer back into the hall.
Paul held his hands up in a sign of surrender. “Be cool, mate. I was just knocking on the door. I didn’t know you were going to open it.”
Closing his eyes, Derek let his breath out slow. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to take it out on you.”
“Take what out on me?” Paul pulled the elastic from his ponytail and raked his hair back with his fingers. “What’s going on?” He re-secured his ponytail, and raised an inquisitive brow.
Derek shrugged and looked away. “Told my folks about Elizabeth. Now I need a little something to help me relax.”
“Blonde or brunette?”
After a look from under lowered brows, Derek turned and went back into his suite. “I was thinking more along the lines of whiskey or weed,” he tossed over his shoulder. “Either or both, I don’t care. As long as there’s a lot of it.”
“Not before the show you don’t.” Paul followed him into the room and closed the door. “You can get altered after if you need to, but not before.”
“Fine then.” Derek sighed and leaned on his hands on the back of the couch. “What were my other choices?”
“How about sandy haired with grey eyes?” Paul suggested quietly.
Derek dropped his head and gripped the couch. After a moment, he took a deep breath. “Actually, that’s exactly what I need.”
“I know.” Paul walked into the room and sat down in an armchair, propping one ankle on the opposite knee. “Haven’t you talked to her since?”
“No.” He bent forward and rolled over the back of couch, landing with a plop on the cushions. “After the things I said to her, I don’t want to try to start over on the bleedin’ telephone.”
Paul frowned and scratched his ankle. “What did you say to her, then?”
“What didn’t I say?” Derek propped a pillow under his head. “I’ve only just realized how horrible I sounded after hearing my parents say the same things.” Frowning, he sank into his misery. “But I was saying it right to her face. Man, I fucked up.”
“You didn’t mean it, though. Did you?”
“At the time maybe I did. I dunno.” He crossed his forearms over his eyes in an effort to shut out the memory. “I was in such shock that I don’t really remember much. Just the picture of Elizabeth and the realization that she’s mine. After that it’s pretty much a blur. Still is, if I’m being honest.”
“Go slow,” Paul advised.
“What are you going on about?” Derek peeked out from under his arms with a frown.
“With Athena. Go slow.” Paul’s mouth twisted with exasperation. “You do still want her, right?” When Derek hid his eyes behind his arms again, Paul snorted. “I’ll take that as a yes. So don’t push her. I mean, she’s still Athena. Despite the front she puts on, she always was a little timid, you know.”
“Yes, and insecure and full of self-doubt, and I took all that, magnified it, and shouted it back into her face. Fuck me,” he groaned.
“So you forgive her, then?”
And there was the rub. He couldn’t stop the burn of anger he still felt when he thought of missing all these years with his child, no matter how hard he tried to understand. It’s not like Athena hid a kitten from him – it was his daughter!
“I don’t know.”
“Maybe you’ll figure it out when you see her next week.”
Derek doubted it. At the moment, he rather thought he needed at least a couple of years to figure out just what he felt. He peeked again when he heard Paul get to his feet.
The singer grinned down at him. “Don’t try to bullshit me, mate. You love the woman. It’ll work out somehow. But you can take it all out on the stage tonight. Walk out into the dark with thousands of people screaming your name, then the lights come on and in an instant it’s so hot it feels like someone left the door to hell standing open. The pounding of the drums and bass, the scream of your guitar through the stacks, and all those people lose their fucking minds. There’s nothing like it, man. Just sweat it all out and leave it there for tonight.”
“Right. That’s the same.”
“Sorry.” Paul shrugged one shoulder and grinned. “But right now it’s all you’ve got.”
After Paul left, Derek remained on the couch with his eyes hidden. Yes, working it all out onstage was all he had. For a long time it had been all he had. And
then Athena came back into his life, and he remembered what it was like to love something other than his music, to have a life off the stage and out of the studio. For ten brief, shining days it appeared he was going to finally be one of those people who had it all. Then in the space of five minutes it all changed.
His mind turned again to Elizabeth, and anticipation so strong it was almost painful swept through him. It was hard not to make up some half-baked lie about being too sick to finish the tour, and fly straightaway to Memphis to see her. What was she like? What would she think of him? Whenever he thought about being a father, it was in some misty, far away future, a mythical “some day” that he might or might not reach. But in one quick, sharp instant he’d become one, although it still didn’t seem real. Looking at a photograph of a little girl who was his spitting image filled him with wonder, but at the same time he couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that she was his daughter. Just the thought of being face to face with her scared the living hell out of him. What if she didn’t like him? What if she decided not to accept him as her father?
Of course, that would all depend on what Athena told her. But if he was honest, he had to admit he wasn’t worried about that. Despite the ugly accusations he’d thrown at her, deep down he knew Athena wouldn’t make him out to be the bad guy. Still, Elizabeth would be seven at the end of May; she was old enough to form her own opinions and make up her own mind about things. He recalled all the things Athena had told him about her daughter over the past few weeks – her longing for a puppy, but a small one because she was afraid of big dogs, her obsession with the color pink, her love of books, her ability to hear a song on the radio and instantly learn it so that she could sing it with perfect tone and intonation a moment later, her insistence on a nightlight when she slept, her declaration that she was going to be an astronaut when she grew up. Where would he fit into that life that was already so fully formed?
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