by K L Finalley
"I don't need to know all of that."
"Don't you wonder?"
"If I did, I couldn't sit here on this couch with you right now. I'm sure I've imagined worse than what you've done. Somehow, I've forgiven you for my worst nightmares. So, it doesn't matter what you really did. I'm over it. What I want is a wonderful future."
"Oh, but, Elet, I want you to know I've always been yours. I mean, there's been a shit ton of dumbness, but I've always been yours."
"I know."
"Last week, I found out that Cooper was in town. Remember me telling you about him?"
"Your first real boyfriend?"
"Right, I wanted you to meet him. That was my first thought. I wanted you to meet him."
"Why? Why would you want your boyfriend to meet your first boyfriend?"
"Fiancé." She corrected him as she tied her hair up. "I have no idea. I just did. It was like I wanted you two to sit across from each other, so I could see where I came from and where I was heading. Crazy, huh?"
"Did you see him?"
She folded her legs underneath her. He faced her from the other end. She began, "Aha, a question," she hit him with the pillow. "Yes, he, Olive, Mallory, and I had lunch. Oh my God, they were all over him. Turns out he's had like five kids from four women or four kids and five women. It's some crazy bullshit. So, he's telling them about how great things were when we dated and Olive's reminding him that she and I walked in him in bed with our other roommate. And, get this, the girl who said she was pregnant with his baby in high school, really was pregnant with his baby! And, she's dead and he didn't go get the boy. I mean, he's so fuckin' shady. I was sitting at the table stunned. Stunned. I mean, this guy destroyed me. He never seemed to want me. He'd string me along and I'd run behind him. Then, he'd dump me and disappear. I used to chase after him like some fool," her voice started to drift off. "It happened for years," she became quieter. "But, then yesterday, I was like I gotta get outta here. I didn't want to know why he didn't want me. It didn't matter. Like for the first time, ever, none of it mattered. Yesterday, he was just some jackass and I just couldn't listen to it anymore." Regaining her strength, she straightened out her legs until they almost touched him and said, "Oh my God, baby, I was looking around like I was running from a fire."
Laughing, he said, "So, what'd you do?"
"I don't even remember what I said. I pushed away from the table and said that I had to go. I told him goodbye and walked out of the restaurant." They both laughed.
"You didn't? You left your friends at the table and walked out?"
Laughing, she said, "Olive must've left next, because she was the first one to meet me outside. Mallory didn't show up for a few minutes. Knowing her, she gave him a piece of her mind. I don't even think we paid." They were both laughing. She slid down in the couch and put her feet in his lap. "What's worse is we rode with him. We got outside and realized we needed a cab." And, they erupted in laughter.
After a few minutes, he wiped the tears from his eyes and, "You know, he's the problem, right?"
"What?"
"He rejected you. He disappeared. He made you feel like you were unattractive, undesirable. He's why you do what you do. Jacqueline's right. You don't want the men. You want to collect the compliments. You just want to know you're desirable."
Alex didn't say anything. She thought about what he said for a while. She wanted to deny it but thought against it. "That might've been true, but it's all in the past, now. I only need one man to think I'm attractive."
Elet looked from side to side. He leaned forward and looked into the bedroom area. Then, he said, "Who the fuck is he? I'll fuck him up." And, she giggled and hit him with the pillow that had been under her head.
Chapter 20
"What were you planning?" Mallory asked as Jacqueline opened the hotel room door for her.
"What?"
"You got this room for a one-night stay?"
"Yeah," Jacqueline said. "I thought it should be like a mini-celebration." She closed the door as Mallory entered. She tried to ignore the rest of her comments about the room. Rather than refute them, Jacqueline laid across the bed.
"Were you planning on coming back?" Mallory asked while seated on the toilet.
"Of course. You know you've asked me that before. What makes you think I'd just disappear like that?"
She was washing her hands. "I don't know it seems like you could."
"I wouldn't." Jacqueline rolled onto her side and made room for Mallory to lie beside her. "Come here."
"You wanna talk now? Not on Sunday?" Mallory was standing in the bathroom. She was facing Jacqueline, but she was resting against the sink. She had her arms folded.
Jacqueline knew that the stance meant. She got off the bed, slipped her feet out of her loafers, and walked to the bathroom doorway. With her hands on the door frame, she sighed, "Why do you think I wanted you to come here?"
"I'm scared to speculate,” She bowed her head.
"Me, too," she agreed and returned to the bed. "A few months ago, it seemed like we were on top of the world, but in the last few weeks, it seems most conversations are steps away from an international event. I wanted to know what's wrong."
Mallory relented her ground and entered the bedroom. She sat on the edge of the bed with her back to Jacqueline and removed her boots. "Nothing's wrong. Not really. Everything's just right."
"Then, what are we dancing around?"
"Nothin..."
"Don't say it. That's all you ever say to my questions. Don't say 'nothing' when there's obviously something going on."
"I don't want to come here and cry. I don't want to hear I'm overreacting. I'm tired of everyone telling me that everything's perfect when it doesn't feel perfect."
Jacqueline lifted off the bed and ran her hand along Mallory's back. "Could it be perfect?"
"Yeah, I think it can," she replied with her hand on her forehead.
Jacqueline slid next to her in the bed. Softly, she said, "Then, let's do what it takes to be perfect." Brushing her bangs from the front of her face, she asked, "Why aren't you telling me what you're telling everyone else?"
"I don't want to push you away. I don't want to ask so many questions that our relationship becomes any harder on you,” Mallory had begun to sniffle.
"Am I having a difficult time?"
"I dunno. Are you? You don't tell me." Jacqueline stood up. She left the room. Fearing the worst, Mallory asked, "Where are you going?"
She reappeared with the chair from the desk that had been in the other room. She rolled it in front of Mallory and sat down in it. "Okay, let's do this. Let's have all of the conversations you want to have. We're gonna sit here all night if we have to, but we're gonna talk about everything you want to talk about. No dodging. No bullshitting. Whatever you want to know you ask." Mallory stared at her. "I mean it. I'm not lying to you. I called you up here, because I realized that I've been holding back. And, it's driving us both crazy. And, I don't want that. I'm gonna work harder at being open, but it's hard for me."
"Why? Why can't you tell me anything?"
"A bunch of reasons. I guess I've never had anyone to tell. I've told Elet all kinds of things through the years, but I still hold a lot back. Sometimes, I feel like I'm boasting. Sometimes, I think no one cares. I dunno. I'm just not used to talking about me. I'm good at letting other people talk about themselves, you know?"
"But, I wanna know," Mallory said and reached out and touched her hands. "I wanna know all the things you're thinking of and dreaming of. I see you spaced out and I wonder where you are."
"Just ask me."
"I'm scared you're thinking how'd I get trapped with them."
Jacqueline shot out of the chair and returned to her side on the bed. "I never ever think that. Never." She kissed her.
Jacqueline was returning to her office chair, but Mallory said, "Lie beside me. Hold me close just in case I don't like what I hear." Jacqueline reclined onto her back. Mallory ne
stled in close and put her head on her shoulder. "Why do you buy everything for everyone?"
"That's your first question?" Jacqueline had not expected to be asked that. She did not have an answer. "Hmm, let's see. First of all, I don't. Yes, I paid for the hotel rooms, but I haven't paid for every meal or all the gas. We've split it for the most part. I covered the rooms, because I made him come. This wasn't his idea and we're driving his truck. The rooms seemed like the least I could do."
"This isn't all you pay for. If we go out to dinner, you try to pick up the check."
"Depends on the crowd. Depends on the situation. I don't always, but I get it. I do it. I guess I've been very lucky and I think it's the least I can do."
"I don't want you to feel like money is all you have to offer. I don't want you to think your money is what I want from you. Hell, I don't even know how much you have or where it all came from or whatever."
"I never thought of you just wanting me for money. I never have. I guess you and Zoe are different. I mean, you have access to every other part of me, so why not the money? I don't know. It seems like that's what a fam... Nevermind."
Mallory lifted her head. Staring at her, she said, "Family? Why didn't you say it?"
Jacqueline bit her lip. "I have a lot to lose as well."
"What?"
"Everyone thinks I don't talk about the future with you, because I'm not thinking of one. Everyone thinks you aren't talking about the future with me, because I may hurt you. No one ever considered what I fear that you may not want the future that I want."
"Are you scared I'll hurt you?"
"Not on purpose, but what if you don't want what I want? I mean, you were married before and it didn't work out. What if you never wanted things to progress past where we already are. No one ever thinks I could be protecting myself. You and Zoe are my family. I don't want to lose that."
Mallory sat up completely. Her legs were folded beneath her. Jacqueline raised up and balanced her weight on her arm and elbow. "We aren't going anywhere unless you tell me that you want us out. Which by the way is exactly what I thought you wanted to tell me."
"Never,” Jacqueline leaned forward and put her head in her lap.
"So, what do you want?" Mallory asked stroking her face.
"All of it," Jacqueline said quietly.
"All of it?"
"All of it. What am I thinking and dreaming of? A future together. A real one. You have a key to my place and the Jeep. I have a key to your place and the car. You have the passcode to the alarm. You've redecorated. You can sign into the computer and see all of my information. Financial. Personal. All of it."
"I wouldn't do that."
"You can, though."
"I leave the mail on the counter when I come home. There's nothing stopping you from looking in it. There aren't any secrets. There are just questions you haven't asked or papers you haven't read."
"I would never just look. That's an invasion of your privacy."
"I don't have any left from you. Especially now." There was silence. "On the desk in the office is an envelope. Inside the envelope are your cards."
"My cards? What cards?"
"I added you to my credit cards. Yours are in the office. I hadn't figured how to tell you."
"This is what I'm talking about. I don't need your cards."
"I know. But, it's not about need. That's the thing. I'm not trying to own you or possess you. That's what I couldn't tell you." She got off the bed. Her mind was working fast. She had to move around the room. "It's not about need. It's about what I want. I want you to have what I have. I want us to be a family in every way. I know I need to learn to talk to you about things first and not just act. I'm not used to that, but I can do that. I did it today. When they unveiled the arch, I thought I gotta ask Mallory if we should have a dresser and chest of drawers made to match the bed. See, I didn't just order it. My mind thought to run it by you." Mallory smiled at her. "I know you don't need me. I don't want you to need me. I want you to want to share your life with me and let me share mine with you."
"I want that, too," Mallory said. She got from the bed and walked to her. "I do. I don't want to not know where we're sleeping every night. I don't want clothes in two places."
"I don't want you to feel like you need that place, so you can entertain your friends or Zoe's friends, or your family."
"Uh, what?"
"Well, you never have people over to the penthouse?"
Mallory frowned, "Do you think I'm having parties at my house with my other friends on the few nights I get mad and sleep there without you."
"Yes?" Jacqueline hesitated.
Mallory laughed, "No, it's me and Zoe alone. I'm angry with you and Zoe's angry with me."
"Well, why do you keep it? A place? A place for just you and Zoe?"
"I keep it, because you haven't been ready for us to be together all the time." Mallory returned to the bed.
Jacqueline followed her, “I never said that."
"You never said different. I've been keeping it, because I didn't know what was gonna happen between us."
"When's the lease up?"
"It was up two months ago. I've been paying month to month. Paige said that she thought you'd come around in less than another year. So, I've just been waiting."
"Well, Fuck," Jacqueline was surprised, then a memory struck. "You know how I said I wanted it all and you know how I said I'm learning to talk to you about everything now. Learning is the key word."
"What else have you done?"
"I talked to Victoria," Jacqueline admitted.
"Who's Victoria? Wait, did you ever sleep with her?"
"She's my happily married real estate attorney and agent."
"First, why do you have a real estate attorney and agent? Second, what'd you talk to her about?"
"First, it's we. Why do we have a real estate attorney and agent?"
"Fine, Jax, why do we have a real estate attorney?"
"We've been driving around. We go to people's houses. I drive through subdivisions and neighborhoods. And, I don't know. I just think it might be time to think about selling the penthouse, so I contacted Victoria. Nothing is final. I realized we should probably talk about it."
"You think! This is exactly the kinda stuff we have to talk about. We can't talk about moving in together without talking about you selling the place we are moving into."
"First things first, we could sell it and live at your place. We could sign for another year and we could move into your house. We could offer to buy it. I'm open to all options."
"Who the hell moves into the two bedroom in Clearwater when the other option is a bayfront penthouse?"
"I just wanted you to have the option. Listen, I want it all. And, I guess I realized how that penthouse doesn't say family. It says single life. I want a place that's home for us all. A new place that we decorate and make a life in together. I don't want a place that you're scared to let Zoe and her friends enjoy. That balcony freaks you out. And, you hate walking across the parking lot with groceries or bags. Part of my all of it might be a new place."
"I'm not opposed to any of that, but we need to talk about it. I don't want you to feel like you have to pay all of the bills."
"I don't want a partner or a roommate. I want a joint bank account from which the bills are paid for the life we lead. I don't need to be on the loan for your car, but I do want joint stuff."
"Like?"
"Bank account. Insurance. Stuff. The deed for the property. I want us to share everything."
"You know what you're talking about?"
"I know. Are you okay with that?"
Mallory fidgeted. She played with her hands, "I am, but are you?"
Jacqueline rolled to face her, “It was my idea."
Mallory stroked her face, “You've only been trying this for five months."
"How long do I need? Is there a written grace period? I know right now. I've known. I've tried to add you to my bank accoun
ts and the bank won't let me without your signature. But, they let me start a college fund for Zoe."
"What?"
"Did you have one?"
"Well, no. But, we definitely should've talked about that."
"I thought about mentioning that, but I decided that even if you rejected me, I'll still love Zoe. And, there should be money around for her dreams."
"Wait. Before we go any further, we need to talk about the details. I need to know things."
"Like what?"
"How much are the bills? And how much do you make?"
Jacqueline responded sarcastically, "How much do you make and how much are your bills?"
Nonchalantly, Mallory answered, "As you know, I recently got a big promotion. Now, I make seventy thousand a year. With the new raise, I make enough to put money into a 401K. I've been putting about three percent a check, so I could get the company match. I just got a new car. It's like five hundred a month. I'm paying eleven hundred for rent on a house we stay out once or twice a week."
"Ouch. We gotta do something about that."
"Let me finish. Let' see. I pay electricity, water, sewage, and cable over there, too. That's not too bad. I mean, we aren't there so the electric, water, and sewage are about a hundred bucks a month. The cable is about one-fifty since you pay that even if no one watches it. Then, there's car insurance, gas, a couple of credit cards. I don't ever really buy any food. My girlfriend does most of the cooking and keeps both houses well stocked, but I have a daughter. She's almost eight. Her extended day and extracurricular activities are a killer. But, all in all I spend about three five hundred dollars a month. It used to be all I could do to make ends meet, but now, that I have this new job, things are a lot easier. I put about six hundred dollars into savings every month. How 'bout you?" With a welcoming smile on her face, Mallory looked at Jacqueline and awaited her response.
Nervously, she ran her hand through her hair and said, "Well, I wish I could explain things as easily as that."
"Start at the beginning. What's the mortgage?"
"God, I hate talking about finances. It scares people off."