by Sarah Barrie
Ella couldn’t prevent the panic building inside her. She could handle the flare of desire, the hot sweep of passion, but the intimacy was something else. This man with so much power, so much strength, was touching her so gently, almost reverently, and she knew it was irrational but without that buffer of need she couldn’t handle it. It scared her to the bone. She had to get out of there. “Let me up?” she asked, struggling to keep that air of casualness, failing.
“Ok,” he replied slowly, rolling away then settling to watch her with an arm propped under his head. “Mind telling me where you’re going?”
“Ah…” Ella didn’t bother with her underwear, just slipped back into her dress. “It’s late…”
His eyes narrowed. “Yes it is. So?”
“I need to get back to my room, to change…”
“Ella if you get that dress back on I’m just going to have to take it off again. Come back here.”
She froze, her hand on the zipper. “Why?”
“Why?” he repeated, an edge coming in to his voice. “What is this, Ella – thanks for the great sex, see you later?”
Spotting her hairband on the floor she scooped it up and twisted it into her hair. “I – what do you want?” she asked, her voice rising just a touch as a wave of vulnerability washed over her features.
“I’ll tell you what I don’t want.” He got to his feet and took her by the arms with surprising gentleness. “I don’t want you running off in a panic because that meant something.”
“God, you make me sound like a case.”
“I’m not going to hurt you.”
“Stop it!” She couldn’t do this, the emotions were rising up into her chest and constricting her breathing. She stared hard at his chest until she got herself under control and when she met his gaze her eyes were shuttered, her expression carefully cool. “We had great sex. It was, truly, so thank you. Right…” His expression darkened and she stepped out of his grasp. “Right now I’m tired so I’m going to bed. No big deal, no dramas…maybe we should have talked about what we both expected before we…there’s nothing wrong.” She was backing to the door, all pretences of composure evaporating. Her hand found the door handle and she pulled it open it with relief. “So…goodnight.”
He didn’t follow her, but she sped down the aisle, locked herself in her cabin and threw herself down on her bed. What had she done? Who had she turned into that she could handle something so badly? Well done, Ella, she berated herself.
What did he want, anyway? Surely he didn’t expect…no, relationships weren’t his style. Not from what she’d heard. And she’d already told him she didn’t work that way. He knew that. But then he’d said it meant something. It was supposed to just be sex. “Damn!” she muttered, pummelling her fist into her pillow. She wouldn’t believe he really cared about her. She wouldn’t get wrapped up in something that could only end badly. And it always ended badly. Every person she’d ever dared to care about had let her down. It wasn’t worth it.
She rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She’d made a mistake. She’d apologise; figure out how to manage these dangerous feelings. She couldn’t risk allowing them to take over. Not again.
Chapter Ten
Ella had barely closed her eyes when the sun came up. She had no memory of falling asleep; only of tossing and turning while thoughts of Ryan tumbled around in her head. How would he greet her this morning? Would he still be angry? Perhaps it wasn’t as bad an exit as she remembered. No matter. She’d handle it. She might be dreading it, but she’d handle it.
She took a shower, applied some makeup to hide the worst of the shadows under her eyes and after a final, serious self-lecture, headed down to breakfast. She could see them all chatting happily over coffee, going over various pieces of paperwork. Ryan was reclining in a chair, casually scanning something or other, his professional face in place. God, he looked so good. So fresh from the shower and vibrant and…Ryan. Her heart contracted painfully. This was not going to be easy.
What were Hannah and Jill thinking after the way he dragged her off last night? It would only be so much worse if they guessed. Regardless, she had to go in there, she had to go in and do her job. At all costs you are first and foremost a professional; her grandfather’s words echoed in her head.
Heart pounding loudly in her ears, breathing shallow, she straightened herself up. Then, without giving herself any more time to think, she strode through the door. “Good morning,” she greeted everyone airily, dropping a folder on the table. “Hannah, this is ready for you to take a look at, as requested.”
“Hi Ella, oh – thanks.”
Suddenly unsure of what to do with herself and looking everywhere but at Ryan, Ella asked, “Is there no coffee?”
Jill poured her a cup while Ella addressed Marco. “I’d like to talk to you about Mataranka before we get there. I have some ideas and I need to know whether they’re doable with the camera.”
Marco frowned. “I’m not sure there’ll be time, I have to…”
“Make time.” She accepted a cup of coffee from Jill, pleased to have something to do with her hands. She hadn’t meant to snap. She was too wound up. She sipped the coffee and almost spat it straight back out. “What the hell?”
“Decaf – it’s all I have in the pot.” Jill explained apologetically.
Ella’s face fully reflected what she considered righteous disgust. “Why any sane person would go to the trouble of making coffee just to take all the good stuff out of it…”
“I’ll order some more,” Hannah offered, studying Ella thoughtfully.
Ella caught Hannah’s questioning gaze and shrank from it. “No, I’ll get cabin service.” She turned quickly and collided with a half-asleep Steve. “Do you mind?” she demanded, barely avoiding wearing what she suspected was Berocca in his glass as it sloshed over the edge.
“Uh, sorry.”
She looked him up and down, noted the baggy pants, the shirt that looked like he’d slept in it. “Perhaps instead of being sorry you might consider waking up, taking a shower and pretending to be a professional.” She strode out then, leaving everyone looking at each other.
“Uh-oh, scary Ella’s back.” Lexi commented into the silence.
Hannah sent Ryan an accusatory stare. “What did you do?”
He sighed, ran a hand through his hair. “Nothing I can’t fix. Excuse me.”
When she heard the knock on the door, Ella seriously considered ignoring it. But she couldn’t stay in her cabin forever. “To hell with it,” she muttered, deciding she may as well get it over and done with. She opened the door. Ryan stood there. His expression was not encouraging. “Ryan.”
“Ella.” He stepped past her and helped himself to her cup of coffee.
As he sipped it he watched her, his eyes roaming over her face. “A little out of sorts this morning?”
Ella’s mouth fell open. “Are you being smug?”
“Not even close, I’m being pissed off. You told me you don’t run away from anything. Then last night, you ran.”
“I…”
“Don’t bother.”
“Excuse me?”
“Whatever it is you’re about to say, don’t bother.” He took another swallow of her coffee, put it down. “There’s only one way to get the truth out of you and I don’t have the time or the inclination to sleep with you right now.”
The words and the tone behind them hit her like a physical blow. She sank down onto the bed and focused on a small spot on the floor as she tried to keep it together. She knew she deserved the verbal slap, she’d put herself in this position because she’d been weak, she’d given in to her emotions.
Now she had to pay for it. “If that’s the case you may as well leave.”
“I’m not finished. If you’re going to storm around like a bear with a sore head snapping at people, this is not going to work. And that’s what we need to do. Work. Together. Not just sleep together when you need a quick bang. Got it?�
�
Ouch, damn it. Breathe, Ella told herself, just breathe and stare at that little speck of dust on the floor and when he gets it out of his system he’ll leave.
“You can’t even look at me can you?” He moved quickly and pulled her to her feet, giving her a quick shake. “Look at me!”
“I’m sorry!” she replied, her voice unsteady.
He stilled. “For what?”
“I didn’t – I thought we could just…Last night was a mistake.”
“A mistake?” his voice was dangerously low, she could feel the tension radiating off him in waves. “You’d throw away what we had last night because you’re too damn terrified to let me in?”
Yes! Oh please go, just please go. She had to get rid of him, quickly, so she gathered every last scrap of strength she could find and levelled him the most disinterested look she could manage. “It was just sex, Ryan.”
“Another gauntlet?” He pulled her in and his lips crushed hers. The kiss was punishing, but Ella’s body turned straight to water, and when she trembled, when she was soft, submissive, when she began to respond, he thrust her out of his arms. “Last night was a lot of things, but it was not a mistake, and if it was ‘just sex’ Ella, what the hell are you so wound up about?”
Ella stood in shock for a moment, cursing herself for her body’s betrayal and Ryan’s careless use of it. There was ice in her tone when she answered him. “I’m not the one that’s wound up, Ryan. We had sex – you wanted to, I wanted to. It was great. I don’t see the problem.”
Ryan studied her face and seemed to be thinking about what she said. “Alright, if that’s the way you want to play it. Why not? We can do the whole friends-with-benefits thing. Let’s just see how that works out.”
“I’m not sure I need a repeat performance. I’ll think about it.”
He scowled at her. “Put the bitch away, Ella, it doesn’t work on me. You’ve got half an hour then we need to go over today’s outline. And apologise to Marco and Steve.”
He left her standing there, unsure how to proceed. His proposal was exactly what she’d wanted, wasn’t it? So why did she feel so deflated? She paced the small space of her cabin, working herself up to mad. This was Ryan Edwards – most likely his ego had been dented when she didn’t fall back into his arms and beg to stay the night, that’s all. He didn’t really want any more from this than she did.
“Ella?” Marco’s voice accompanied a knock at the door. Taking a deep breath she pulled herself together and moved to answer it. She needed to stop spending every waking moment worrying about this and get on with what she was supposed to be doing. But maybe Ryan was right; She wasn’t in the habit of apologising to staff but maybe she should apologise to Marco.
* * * * * *
“Right, we’re off.” The train had pulled in at Katherine Gorge and Ryan was taking Steve, Phil and Gav caving. He barely glanced at Ella. He’d been nothing but coldly polite since he’d left her cabin. “See you back here at twelve-thirty.”
Hannah stood with Ella and watched him stalk off with her eyebrows raised. “Well that was fun. Are you two planning on dropping the temperature in the tropics for the rest of the trip?”
“He’ll get over it,” Ella shrugged carelessly.
“Whatever this is, you two need to be able to work together.”
“I know that, Hannah.” Ella snapped. “You don’t need to worry about my ability to be professional.”
“No, I know that, Ella,” she replied calmly. “For someone who’s never done this before you’re slipping into your role like a seasoned pro. To be honest I thought I’d have my work cut out for me helping you adjust, but you’re making it easy for me.”
Ella nodded sharply and stood up. “Good to know.”
“Something else that would be good for you to know…” Hannah said quietly, seeing the others approaching. “Ryan obviously cares about you.”
“Oh, God.” Ella put her hand to her forehead. “I don’t need a lecture, Hannah.”
Hannah just smiled. “Are you going to pull the whole ‘scary Ella’ thing on me?”
“I really wish Lexi would stop with that,” she muttered.
“What have I done now?” Lexi asked, appearing with Jill, “Still shitty, Ella?”
Ella glared at her. “I could still have you fired, you know.”
Lexi grinned at Jill, “I guess that answers my question.”
Ella shook her head and despite her dark mood, felt her glare slip and a reluctant smile take over. Things had gotten so casual and easy between them. It occurred to her she was now one of the team; she was Ella, not Ms Jameson anymore, and that she liked it.
“Well,” Hannah announced brightly, “Are we ready to spend a couple of difficult hours in the Mataranka Thermal Pool?”
“Hell yes,” Jill piped up.
“So grab your cossies, ladies, where the hell is Marco?”
* * * * * *
“This is divine,” Lexi crooned, floating on her back in the warm water. Ella couldn’t have agreed more. The pool was sparkling clear and comfortably warm. She gazed up into the canopy of palms and paperbarks, listened to the birds and thought best job on earth?
“I don’t know what the other guys are up to,” Marco commented, “but I’m happy to be with the ladies today.”
“By now they’re probably battling rare horseshoe bats or brown tree snakes while abseiling into the dark abysses of those caves they were visiting,” Hannah decided.
“I’m finding it hard to care,” Ella mumbled, the whole experience knocking the head off her bad mood.
“Ditto. They’ll be lucky to rate a mention once people get a load of Ella in that bikini,” Marco commented cheekily.
Ella splashed at him. “Those shots better be G-rated, Marco.”
“Just remember my power next time you’re thinking about biting my head off.”
“I apologised.”
“And you just remember what she’s capable of Marco,” Lexi replied. “Ella, two drunks…”
Ella rolled back around, narrowed her eyes playfully. “Yeah, maybe next time instead of snapping your head off I’ll kick your ass.”
He put the camera down. “I’ve got enough shots and a couple of smart-mouthed, pretty women to drown.” He did his best; bombing them and laughing like a loon.
Once everyone settled, Ella drifted aimlessly, her hair fanning out around her face, a contented smile touching her lips as the sun filtered through the trees and gleamed against her already tanned body. She knew it must be getting close to time to leave and she intended on savouring every remaining minute. Had it not been for the issue of Ryan, she would have been as happy as she’d ever been in her life.
Ryan. He just kept popping into her head and refusing to be shoved back. She was going to have to find a way to clear the air. It just wasn’t feasible to work in such close proximity to the man with this animosity hanging between them. And she had this unfamiliar ache, down in the pit of her stomach that just wouldn’t go away.
“Enjoying your swim?”
She jolted, her body submerging before she got her feet under her. “Ryan.”
The expression on his face resonated straight to her core. He was hot, sweaty and more than a little bit filthy. He was sexy as hell and looking like he wanted to eat her up.
“Hi guys,” Jill said from somewhere behind her and when Ella was able to tear her eyes away she saw Phil and Steve stripping down to their swimmers. “What do you think you’re doing here?”
“We finished filming and decided a swim was in order – even if we only have…” Ryan checked his watch, “roughly twelve minutes.” He too, stripped down quickly and Ella looked elsewhere. She didn’t need a reminder of how incredible that body was. Deciding the best course of action was to end her swim, she climbed out of the water.
Aware of Ryan’s gaze, she did her best to ignore the way her body instantly responded. A small group of women swam past, eyeing him with appreciation. Ella heard o
ne call out in a heavily accented voice as she made a grab for her towel. “Hi, handsome! Why don’t you come and swim with us?” There was much giggling. Ella rolled her eyes.
Ryan grinned, gave Ella one last glance and shrugged. “Why don’t I?” He dove cleanly into the water, made the distance in three strong strokes.
“Fine,” Ella muttered almost soundlessly as she wrapped her towel around her.
“Problem?” Hannah asked quietly, joining her.
“Hannah. No, no problem.”
“Right, whatever you say.”
Ella glanced at Ryan but he was further away, laughing and chatting with the women. So much for Hannah’s theory, she thought. And that wasn’t even fair, because she’d set the tone, deliberately, to avoid any real emotional involvement. So what was she so upset about?
“It’s the oldest trick in the book you know,” Hannah continued, “The jealousy thing.”
“I’m not…” she made a frustrated sound, pursed her lips. “He can play all the games he wants. He’s just a hypocritical child with a severe swollen-ego impediment.”
Hannah laughed out loud at the same time Ella sent Ryan a scowl. This time he did look, his gaze narrowing before lifting to an expression somewhere between curiosity and mockery. Ella smiled overly sweetly, turned her back on him and headed over to the shower and toilet block with Hannah, Jill and Lexi to get changed.
The women re-emerged just as the men were climbing out of the water. Ryan’s fan club, Ella noted, were still buzzing around him.
“Don’t go, handsome,” one purred, “stay with us.”
Ella and Jill exchanged glances, pulled faces. “Oh please,” Jill muttered, “save us.”
Hannah made a sound of agreement. “They’re the sorts that give blondes a bimbo reputation. Let’s go!” she finished by calling out to the men.
“We could meet you back here tonight for a skinny dip,” the obvious leader of the group called out to Ryan.
“Oh my God,” Jill rolled her eyes. “Could they go a little further out of their way to fit the stereotype?”