by Sarah Barrie
“Good movie title.” Ryan ran a hand through his tousled hair and sighed heavily. “Ok, you really don’t trust me about the crocodile thing?”
“Not even close.”
He sat back on his heels and stared out into the darkness. “Maybe Jake had a point. I might be able to get us back up this trail in the dark. He’d put us up for what’s left of the night.”
“I’m not going back to Jake’s so he can laugh and say I told you so and you know it. I’ve already almost had to kick the crap out of someone recently. And he’s your friend.”
“Right.” He took her torch, got up.
“What are you doing?”
“I’ll get the lantern from the car. We’re going to have every bug in creation in here but at least you’ll know what you’re dealing with if any other small and harmless creatures wander past to terrorise you. ”
“Funny,” she mumbled again.
When he returned, she settled back down and closed her eyes, and when a strong arm wrapped itself around her, she slept.
Ella felt the heavy weight around her middle and for a second, thoughts of some hideous monster or other attacking her ran through her groggy brain. Her eyes flew open, her lips parted.
“I’m not a crocodile.”
“Smart-ass. Get off.”
“Not a chance.”
“You’re squashing me.”
His mouth moved over hers, his lips warm and inviting. Ella sighed happily, accepted the invitation.
It was quite a long time later when she asked, “Where are we going today?”
“We’ll move on through Kakadu. Lots to see.” He skimmed a lazy finger up her thigh, over her hip, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Can I ask a question?”
Ella frowned in confusion. “Since when did you start asking permission?”
“Would you tell me about your father?”
She stiffened, taken by surprise. “Why do you want to talk about him?”
“I want to know. Is the way he treated you the reason you said you don’t like being touched?”
“I don’t have any problem with you touching me,” she replied with a smile, “None at all.” When he just looked at her and waited the smile faltered. She reluctantly continued. “I didn’t like you touching me because right from the start I felt something when you did that I didn’t want to feel.”
“It’s always been there,” he agreed. “You don’t let anyone get close to you.”
“You really want to talk about this?”
“We need to talk about this.”
She sat up and her hand went to her forehead. Her eyes closed, opened again. “Ok, look…” she took another minute to gather her thoughts. “My father was a strict disciplinarian. Grandfather raised him like that and that’s what he knew. But he also suffered from depression. He was ill, ok?”
“Did he hit you?”
“Sometimes,” then at his curse, “I made things more difficult for him. It’s not easy having a demanding small child around when you have the problems he had.”
Ryan swallowed that one down, prompted, “Your mother?”
“Drank. She loved him but couldn’t bring him out of it. It was hard for her.”
“What happened?”
“I just told you.”
“I knew that part.”
She looked at him, wasn’t sure she could bring herself to tell him what he really wanted to know.
“Ella, if we’re going to have a real shot at a relationship, I need you to tell me.”
She picked up the closest clothing handy, which happened to be Ryan’s tee shirt, and slipped it on. For space, she moved to the tent opening and stared out at the campgrounds. After a moment, she began. “They were always fighting – my father being mentally ill and my mother generally being drunk and all that – so I used to just hide under my bed. But this fight was…particularly bad and I couldn’t stand it. I ran out and started yelling at him to stop, jumped on him, tried to hold on to his arm, but he flicked me off. I was only seven and I didn’t weigh very much but I smashed into a glass door.” She took a long, shuddering breath. “It cracked and I knew I was in for it. He was so furious with me that I’d broken the door. He just exploded all over again. My mother…she managed somehow to pull him off me. She wrapped herself around me and cried and wouldn’t let go. My father put his foot through the broken door and it shattered glass all over us. Then he stormed out. He got in the car and drove down the road…swallowed a packet of pills and that was that.”
“Oh, Baby…”
Ella shook her head. “I was relieved. I didn’t even care. I thought things would get better but my mother’s drinking got worse. She took me right away from grandfather and it was just us. I took care of her as much as I could, but it wasn’t enough. I went to school one morning. I wanted to go because I didn’t like it when she drank herself crazy. She wanted me to stay home…” When she stopped and took another deep breath he reached out, but again she shook her head. “I left her alone and she died. Grandfather stepped straight in and took care of me. That’s it. Don’t.”
“Like hell I won’t.” He ignored her protest and pulled her into his arms, holding her so tight she thought she might break. Eventually he smoothed a hand over her hair. “Don’t you dare blame yourself for that.”
“I left her.”
“Ella, you’re smarter than that. You were a child. Those people were supposed to take care of you, not the other way around. If your mother hadn’t died that day, it sure as hell sounds as though it would have been the next day, or the next. And I don’t care what problems your father had, what he did was wrong, no excuses.”
“I know that. I do.” She forced back the hurt, gathered herself together. “But…”
“But?”
“I have them…in me.”
“I haven’t seen any evidence of that.”
“Grandfather raised me to make sure I didn’t turn out like them, that I wasn’t weak, or careless or a failure. And like Reece said…”
“Ok. That’s enough. That’s just bullshit. Wanting to learn to protect yourself, to find a way of releasing some of that hurt, that feeling of helplessness after what you went through, that’s not wrong, not bad. Learning kickboxing doesn’t make you abusive any more than having a glass of wine makes you an alcoholic. You need to find a way to let this go and just so you know, your grandfather threatening you with that; him using your parent’s failings to mould you into what he thinks you should be, is just sick.”
“He means well. He’s my only family.”
“He has no right to put that on you. To make you feel like that.”
“He has no one else. How can I leave him?”
And then he understood. “This is because of your mother, isn’t it?”
“And now you think I’m…”
“Don’t tell me what I think. You want to know? I think it’s a bloody miracle you’ve turned out the way you have. You’re a successful, smart and caring person with a big heart. People can’t always see it, because you’ve got this fortress around you. You shy away from emotional attachments and who the hell could blame you? But I see it, Hannah and Lexi see it. The rest of the crew; they’re figuring it out. You need to let all the other shit go, Baby. There was just nothing you could have done that would have changed any of that.”
She didn’t say anything for a few seconds, then met his eyes. “Ella. It’s Ella. And ok. I’m trying.”
“Sometimes,” he teased with a smile, “but you’re definitely improving.” He kissed her. “You want to talk about this some more?”
“Absolutely not.”
“Ok, then…bacon and eggs?”
“Huh?”
“Breakfast.”
“Oh. Sure.”
“Coming up.” Ryan pushed out of the tent, his own emotions all over the place. He needed to take a walk, to cool off. But at least now he understood her better. At least now it was out, he could help her get over it. And then,
he decided with grin, he was going to marry her.
There was just the small matter of convincing her to go along with it. But he enjoyed a challenge. Ella climbed out of the tent, smiled at him and his heart turned over in his chest. Yeah, he thought, she’s it for me.
“Can I help?” she asked.
“I think I can find something for you to do.”
They ate breakfast, tidied up the campsite and packed everything back into the car.
“Ready?” Ryan asked.
“Yes, I’m coming.” She did a final sweep of the campsite, decided they’d left nothing behind and stared one last time out over the wild beauty of the wetlands around them. Almost reluctantly, she turned to follow Ryan back to the car, and spotted the thing on the back of Ryan’s leg.
“Ryan! Don’t move,” she ordered, panic evident in her voice.
Ryan watched her remove her shoe and creep toward him. “Alright…”
She approached the thing cautiously and with no small amount of disgust. “Keep very still…” She lined it up and smacked it so hard Ryan collapsed awkwardly from the killer strike to the back of the knee.
Ella shrieked. Blood, there was so much blood. “Oh God! It bit you, you’re bleeding. There’s so much blood.”
Ryan scrambled a couple of safe steps away, clutching his injured leg and eyeing the boot still in Ella’s hand with no small amount of terror. When he was relatively sure he wasn’t going to be attacked again he checked out the back of his knee. “That’s because it’s a – was a – leech, Ella. Completely harmless. Bloodsucking, but harmless.
“A leech? A leech?!” She pulled a horrified face. “Don’t leeches look like worms? That thing was like… what was that horror movie..? The Blob. It was like The Blob.”
“The Blob?” Ryan asked in disbelief. He moved to the water’s edge and washed off all traces of the carnage. “Remind me to give you a packet of salt to carry around for future leech episodes. It’ll be less painful.”
“Future episodes? Where’s the salt?”
“In the car, Xena. Let’s get moving.”
They drove through some of the most beautiful country Ella had ever seen, lunched at a stunning lookout at the top of the Nardab floodplain, then continued on through beautiful wetlands, leaving the car behind and hiking through ancient trails complete with stunning scenery.
Eventually, hot and happily tired, they arrived at a group of pristine rock pools.
“Another beautiful spot,” Ella commented, rolling her tired shoulders and dropping down onto a rock to rest. “Can we drink this water?”
“Should be fine.” Ryan dumped his backpack by the pool and flicked off his hat. “Time for a well-earned swim.”
Ella, who had enjoyed her day thoroughly to this point, glanced nervously at the water. “A swim?”
“Yeah.”
“No.”
“No swim?” He paused in the process of unbuttoning his shirt.
“Absolutely not.”
He tossed his shirt carelessly on the ground. “Can I ask…why not?”
Ella folded her arms. “Crocodiles.”
“Crocodiles,” he repeated flatly, then began muttering as he sat beside her to undo his boots. “You know, Ella, I’ve travelled the world, taken just about every risk there is…”
Ella nodded. “Hence the whole kamikaze, adrenaline-junkie reputation.”
“I’ve been taught or figured out more ways to keep safe and alive than any one person could ever need to know.”
“Which is undoubtedly the only reason you’re still alive,” she agreed.
He pulled off his boots, started on his socks. “I’ve won awards, accolades, somehow managed to keep myself from dying.”
“No small feat from what I hear.”
“Some would even say I’m reasonably smart.”
“Some might, I suppose.”
He pushed back to his feet and levelled her an unappreciative frown. “But do you trust me to take you swimming in a perfectly safe plunge-pool?”
“Hell no.” She grinned, eyes alight with humour.
“Hell no?” He got to his feet and looked down on her. “Ella, I’m going to do something and I want you to understand this is for your own good.” He swept her into his arms, began walking.
“What are you doing?” she asked a little nervously, “Where are we going?”
“Just here.” He stood at the edge of the pool and dropped her.
Ella screamed and inhaled a decent amount of water as her body submerged. Rising to the surface coughing and spluttering, she yelled, “Ryan! Just how the hell was that for my own good?”
“You need to learn to trust me,” he replied simply.
“Trust you? You keep telling me I should, and then torturing me for it. My boots are going to be ruined, my clothes are soaked…”
He shrugged. “Took your mind off the crocodiles.”
“What croco…“ with a squeal she clambered onto a rock and looked around.
Ryan’s laughter echoed around them. “No crocs, Ella. Just like I said.”
Ella’s eyes narrowed in challenge. “Right.” She rose slowly, water running off her clothes, her hair dripping around her face. Ryan carefully watched her approach, an enormous smile splitting his face.
“What are you doing?”
With a wicked grin, Ella got hold of his shirt with both hands and dragged his mouth down to hers. She used the weight of her body against his to turn him, then just as Ryan would have stepped back, she threw a leg behind his and overbalanced him as she shoved with all her might. The combination had him tumbling with a rewarding splash into the pool he’d just sent her into moments before.
“That’s the second time you’ve dunked me,” he growled, coming up for breath “and I still can’t figure out how you get so much weight behind it.”
“Element of surprise,” she replied, laughing victoriously.
“You kissed me as a distraction.”
“Yes. Yes I did.”
“Woman, you’re despicable. Come in here.”
“I may be despicable but I’m not stupid,” she blew him a kiss over her shoulder before making a run for it. She heard him lunge from the water and had barely taken half a dozen steps before she felt his arms wrap around her and bring her down.
She laughed hysterically and tried to wiggle her way out from under him, even as her body heated to a powerful burn at the contact with his long frame. Ryan pinned her arms above her head, went very still and when she met his gaze it was warm and appreciative.
“What?” she asked, puzzled at his sudden stillness.
“You’re giggling, you’re laughing, you’re playing. I love it.” He ravaged her mouth, as dirt clung to their wet clothes, tangled in Ella’s hair.
“We’re filthy,” he told her and lifted her straight off the ground and into his arms. “We’re going back in that water.”
“Ok,” she answered, earning a grin.
“Now she’s ok with it,” he muttered.
“I’ll never get used to these sunsets,” Ella said happily, as she sat next to Ryan and finished her dinner. She looked directly into his eyes so he’d know she meant it and said, “Thank you for bringing me out here.”
He reached out and gently brushed her hair from her face. “You’re so welcome.”
“I’ll rinse the dishes.”
Ella took everything to where the water was running downstream of the pool and took her time, enjoying the quiet, the peace, the utter tranquillity.
“Just about done, Baby?” Ryan called out as she rinsed the last of their plates.
She sighed, grinning to herself. “It’s Ella.”
“I’m aware.”
“Well what do you expect me to say when you insist on calling me ‘Baby’?”
“I expect you to say ‘Yes Ryan.’ Ok, Baby?”
She chewed on her smirk and picked up the tea towel. “Yes Ryan,” she mimicked, deciding she really didn’t mind ‘Baby’ as much as
she thought she did. In fact, she really didn’t mind a lot of things as much as she thought she did.
“Really?”
“Yes Ryan.”
She heard him chuckle. “I like you submissive.”
Ella laughed at the outrageous comment, looked over her shoulder and raised an eyebrow. “And you’d just love to play ‘dominant’ I suppose?”
“We could try. Come, kneel at my feet and submit to my every whim.”
“In your dreams, gorgeous.” She picked up the plates and stood up.
He stretched lazily, released a long, happy sigh. “I have you barefoot in a kitchen…of sorts.”
“No appliances. It doesn’t count as a kitchen without appliances.”
“I have a dishwasher,” he teased, gesturing at Ella.
She screwed up the handtowel, tossed it at his head. “So you dry. I’m going for another swim.”
“Your bag’s in the back.”
“So?” She walked to the water’s edge, slowly slid off her clothes…and dove cleanly into the water. By the time she emerged at the other end of the pool he was beside her.
She evaded his grasp, went under again. He caught her by the ankle, tugged her close, and laughing, she wrapped her legs around him, attached her mouth to his. She felt his shudder, felt his ready thrust with pure female satisfaction. She could do that to him, she realised. She could make him want, she could make him need – just like that. The thought was empowering. Being in love was empowering.
She became still, thought, I’m in love with Ryan? Well, she decided with a smile, of course I am. It occurred to her it wasn’t a drama, the sky wasn’t falling in, she wasn’t even particularly freaked out. She was…happy. Ryan pulled his head back just far enough to study her face. “What’s wrong?”
She stared into his eyes, smiled slowly, with so much warmth she heard him catch his breath. “Absolutely nothing. Don’t stop. Love me.”
“I already do,” he murmured reclaiming her lips.
“What would you say…” he asked her much later as they lay under the stars by the campfire, “about driving back to Adelaide and catching a flight from there.”
“Driving to Adelaide? All the way across the desert?”