Andie’s phone beeped. It was another text. The texts had started after Ross had given up calling. At first they were plaintive.
Andie, I’m worried about you, please call me, let me explain.
They’d progressed to annoyed.
You’re being childish, we have to talk.
And now they were downright angry.
Fu*k this. Call me.
‘What’s that one say?’ asked Jess.
Andie replaced the phone on the table. ‘Same as the others. He’s getting angry now.’
‘Next thing he’s going to show up here, you realise,’ said Jess.
Andie pressed her lips together, frowning. ‘Do you want me to find somewhere else to stay?’
‘No,’ she insisted. ‘I want you to take control of your life. You’ve decided what you don’t want, now you have to decide what you do want. You need a plan.’
Monday
Andie sat drumming her fingers on the table. True to form, Ross was keeping her waiting. At least that would make it easier to maintain the rage. She had arrived early to avoid any chance of finding him already sitting here, waiting, all posed and prepared with his best little-boy face, looking abject and crestfallen.
Jess was right, everything so far had been a knee-jerk reaction, and avoiding Ross had seemed like the best strategy. As much as he repulsed her now, Andie knew she still had feelings for him. You don’t just stop loving someone overnight because they turn out to be a shit. But those feelings troubled her. Jess said she had to take charge of her life again, but Andie wasn’t sure how to do that. Ross had controlled her life for the last ten years, though to be fair she had willingly handed over that control. And look where it had left her. Had he fallen out of love with her because she was so weak and obliging? Had she bored him into infidelity? She remembered him saying something along those lines about Joanna, but Andie had always cut him off. She didn’t like to hear him putting down the mother of his children. It wasn’t Joanna’s fault, it was nobody’s fault. Andie and Ross had fallen in love, it just happened.
And now it was happening again. His duplicity was breathtaking. Did he really arrange the job at Viande just to keep her out at nights? Did that mean he was planning to maintain a marriage and a mistress? What was in it for him to keep up the deception? Were men so shallow that a little extra sex on the side was worth all the palaver involved in covering it up?
Yes, said Jess, some men were that shallow.
She encouraged Andie to finally reply to the barrage of text messages. To take the reins, so to speak.
Ross, pls refrain from the constant texting. I will be in touch tomorrow, as long as I don’t hear another word from you in the meantime.
That gave her the upper hand, if ever so slightly. The next step in her still fuzzy plan was to arrange to meet him. Jess said all she really had to do was listen, hear Ross out and understand the tack he was going to take, so that she would be better prepared to deal with him from now on. Andie couldn’t deny that it hurt like hell to think that Ross didn’t want her any more, that he might have fallen in love with this woman, and was planning to leave her. But if he claimed it was just a fling, if he never had any intention of leaving Andie . . . not that she would want him back, but, well, it would be a little easier to take.
She didn’t share any of those thoughts with Jess though. She didn’t need to hear how insipid they were. Andie had to steel herself if she was going to get through this meeting with Ross. She knew what he was like. He would use his considerable – and in her case, quite effective – powers of persuasion to talk her around, so she had to guard herself against that possibility. Jess had offered to send texts every twenty minutes, timely prompts that would also serve to give Andie an out, should she need one. She could say it was something important and that she had to leave.
Andie sighed, leaning back heavily in her chair. With all the covert operations of the last few days, she was beginning to think she should consider a new career as a spy. That would certainly give her a whole new life – exotic locations, handsome co-spies, false identities involving fabulous wardrobe changes . . . But who was she kidding? She was frightened of fast cars, heights, guns – not that she’d ever even seen a gun in real life, but just the idea was enough to terrify her. So spying was probably not for her, after all.
Andie was jolted back into reality when she spotted Ross weaving through the stream of people on the boardwalk moving towards her. When she proposed meeting at Darling Harbour, Ross had baulked at first, suggesting they meet at the apartment. Andie certainly didn’t want to be alone with him, she wanted to meet him somewhere busy and noisy, so they could talk freely without drawing attention to themselves. So when she proceeded to outline the rather obvious reasons why she didn’t want to step foot in the apartment, Ross had quickly backed off and reluctantly agreed to meet her here.
This had all been done via text messages, Andie hadn’t felt ready to talk to him yet. But now she had no choice. He was approaching her table, and she could see him arranging his features into an expression that read ‘contrite’.
‘Hello, Andie,’ he said solemnly.
She just nodded.
‘May I?’ he asked, planting his hands on the back of the chair opposite.
‘Of course.’
He made a bit of a production of pulling the chair out and arranging himself to sit. And then they were facing each other across the table.
‘Have you ordered?’ he asked.
‘Not yet.’
‘So what would you like to drink?’
‘Just coffee for me, thanks.’ She wasn’t going to have anything stronger, she had to keep a clear head.
Ross raised his hand to beckon a waiter, and one came running immediately, he had that effect. And of course it was a woman. He gave her their coffee orders and after she left, he sat back in his chair, clasping his hands loosely in his lap, like he was waiting for something. But surely it was up to him to start?
‘So, Ross?’ Andie prompted him.
He released a heavy sigh, as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. He sat forward now, leaning his elbows on the table, and rubbing one hand across his jaw. ‘Andie,’ he said finally, ‘I don’t think there are words to express how sorry I am . . . I can’t imagine what it must have been like.’
I . . . I . . . I . . .
‘I know it probably won’t mean much to you,’ he struggled on, ‘but I didn’t plan for that to happen, I certainly didn’t ask for it —’
‘You seemed to be bearing up all right at the time.’
He closed his eyes for a beat, opening them again and fixing them on her. ‘It was her idea . . . she ambushed me —’
‘Oh for Chrissakes, Ross!’
‘No, listen to me, it’s the truth. We only called in to the apartment briefly, I had to pick up something. I wasn’t even going to bring her inside, but she got out of the car before I could do anything. Then when we were about to leave she asked to use the bathroom. She didn’t come out for a while, and she didn’t answer when I called, so I went looking for her.’
Andie couldn’t believe this was his defence.
He stared down at the table. ‘She was just sitting there . . . barely dressed . . .’
Oh, the horror.
‘And because you’re a helpless male, you had no choice in the matter?’ said Andie.
‘That’s not what I’m saying,’ he snapped. ‘Christ, Andie, are we going to talk about this like adults? Or do you just want to score points? Because you win, okay? The points all go to you. I forfeit.’
Forfeit? That was generous of him. Andie was surprised he thought he had any points in his credit in the first place.
Ross took a breath. ‘So, all right,’ he continued in a calmer tone, ‘I’m weak, I admit it. But I did try to stop her, I said it wasn’t appropriate, but she . . . persisted. Anyway, it was wrong. And if you don’t think for a minute that I know that it was wrong, then . . . you don’t know
me at all.’
How did he just do that? Did he expect Andie to say sorry now? He had a magician-like sleight of hand, only with his tongue.
Just then her phone beeped. ‘Excuse me,’ she said, fishing it out of her bag. It was from Jess.
Hows ur bullshit meter holding up?
Andie had to keep her wits about her. ‘Ross, I think this is bigger than just what happened the other evening,’ she said. ‘Let’s ignore that for a moment, shall we?’
His eyes narrowed, waiting for her next move.
‘How long have you been seeing this . . . girl?’
‘I’ve known her a few months,’ he said. ‘It didn’t start out as anything.’
What did that even mean?
‘She was just a pretty young girl in the office, flirting with the boss,’ he said. ‘I mean, it happens all the time, and it’s hard not to be flattered by the attention when you’re my age. I didn’t lead her on, though, I certainly didn’t mean to. I made it very clear from the start that I was married. Didn’t seem to put her off, if anything it made me more of a challenge,’ he muttered.
The waiter returned with their coffees, placing them on the table.
‘Can I get you anything else?’ she said to Ross, flashing him a dazzling smile.
‘No, thank you,’ he said, and she left.
‘Go on, Ross, you were saying?’ Andie prompted. ‘You were put upon by this girl, helpless against her considerable advances —’
‘Stop it, Andie!’ he cried. ‘Do you realise how hard this has been for me? I’ve been struggling with it for months. I didn’t want to go through it all over again, the recriminations, introducing someone new, it would be so much easier to keep the status quo . . .’
What?
‘But you pushed me to this, with all your talk about wanting a baby. I know how it feels to be betrayed, Andie. You betrayed our marriage as much as I did. You didn’t give a damn about me and my wishes any more. You just wanted me to impregnate you.’
Andie’s gob couldn’t be more smacked. He saw his betrayal on the same level as hers? Really? Really?
‘I didn’t know what to do,’ he said, his voice softening. ‘Then I thought that maybe if you had a career, some goals, you would drop the idea of a baby, and we could pick up again like we were before. I was ready to do anything.’
The new chef set. The special celebratory dinner. Steel yourself, Andie.
‘So the girlfriend was part of the plan, an interim measure to get you through?’
She said it snidely, but he didn’t respond in kind.
‘No, that’s a mess of my own making, and I’m just trying to extricate myself with the minimum amount of damage.’
Andie frowned. ‘To whom?’
‘To you. Me. Tasha.’
‘That’s her name?’ It seemed somehow appropriate. She’d been imagining Tiffany, or maybe Kimberley.
‘The thing is,’ Ross went on, ‘Tasha’s a bit needy. You might even say . . . unhinged.’
Something inside Andie – something she was not proud of – gave her a moment’s delight at hearing that.
‘So you bring her to our apartment,’ Andie said, ‘and succumb to her advances – that’s how you “extricate” yourself from her?’
Ross was shaking his head. ‘It’s so easy for you to sit there and judge, isn’t it, Andie?’
‘Yes, it is, Ross,’ she said evenly. ‘It’s actually very easy for me to sit here and judge the husband who I’ve discovered has been cheating on me.’
He looked sullen. ‘Yeah, well, you can be as smug and superior as you like. You can lay all the blame at my feet. After all, I’m the cheating husband, in the eyes of the world, your rap sheet is clean. You don’t have to look at yourself, or analyse your role in what happened. But if you honestly believe a third party could ever get a foothold in a strong, sound marriage, then fine, you can go away with a clear conscience.’
Andie’s heart had begun to race as he spoke, and now she felt a little breathless. Her phone beeped again. Thank God. She picked it up and looked at the message without reading it.
‘I have to go. There’s a junior filling in at the shop, I have to close.’ She picked up her bag and Ross quickly reached across the table to grab her hand.
‘Andie, come home,’ he said, his voice plaintive.
‘No.’
‘I’ll move out,’ he said. ‘I’ll go and stay in a hotel, you shouldn’t have to leave the apartment.’
‘Ross, I can’t go back there, don’t you get that?’ She pulled her hand away and got to her feet. ‘You really don’t seem to understand how much this has hurt me.’
He stood up. ‘I do, Andie, I understand, and I’m going to do everything I can to make it up to you. I’m not letting you go without a fight.’
She just looked at him. She didn’t know what to say. She didn’t trust herself to say anything. ‘Goodbye, Ross.’
Andie didn’t have to close up the shop, by the time she got there Donna would have closed and left already. But she was going to hide out for a while. She needed time to think, on her own, with no distractions. Of course she knew Ross was protecting himself, of course she knew a lot of what he said was bullshit . . . she just wasn’t sure which parts, or how much. Jess would say it all was, she would write off everything he said.
And Andie would have a clean rap sheet.
As she made it to her car in the parking station, she heard the beep of another text message arriving. It was Jess again.
Whats going on?
Andie unlocked the door and sat in the driver’s seat to answer it.
It’s over. On my way to the shop to do paperwork.
No debrief?
Later. Glad I don’t have to hide from him any more. Thanks for making me do it. xA
There was a slightly longer pause before Jess replied.
Glad 2 :) Talk L8r, take care xJ
Andie did feel some solace at the shop; it was the only place left that was hers now, where she wasn’t a guest or an interloper. She was going to have to do something about her living arrangements; she couldn’t stay on Jess’s fold-out forever, her flat was way too small anyway to accommodate two people for any extended length of time. She got herself a plate from the kitchen, and went to inspect the containers in the fridge. She wasn’t all that hungry, but she knew she should eat something; her jeans were sagging a bit around the bum, and her face looked wan staring back at her in the mirror. But she had a whole shop full of food and nothing appealed, like that poem, Water, water every where . . . In the end, Andie sliced some bread and made a simple sandwich of cheese and ham. But she couldn’t eat it, she just sat in the quiet, semi-dark, thinking.
Andie didn’t know what was going to happen down the track, but she had to do something now to prove to Ross that this was serious, and that it wasn’t going to be fixed overnight. She wasn’t going back to the apartment, so she had to find a place of her own. The idea was actually appealing – somewhere she didn’t have to answer to anyone, or allow for anyone else . . . A small studio apartment would do, she didn’t need much space, but it would be her space, and hers alone. A refuge.
Andie needed time out, to take stock, to decide if this was where she wanted to be. Whether or not Ross was telling the truth, if he ended it with the girl and had no intention of seeing her again, how would Andie ever be able to trust him again?
She wasn’t falling for his hype, but neither could she absolve herself of some of his accusations. She knew how much the baby issue had thrown him. She had expected him to change his mind for her, to completely turn around on something he’d stated emphatically from the beginning of their relationship. There was nothing wrong with Andie’s desire for a baby, that was natural, but to expect Ross to fall into line without question, well, perhaps that was unreasonable. A fifty-four-year-old man with grown children and a granddaughter had every right to recoil at the idea of starting all over again.
But to have an affair? He was drawin
g a rather long bow there. It didn’t excuse him. Not that he’d said it was an excuse, or did he? Some of his double-talk had confused her. The big thing was whether to believe him on the matter of Tasha. And there was a part of Andie that really wanted to believe him, not to exonerate him, but so that she could differentiate herself from the girl. Ross had had an affair with Andie, but she was not unstable, or unhinged or whatever terms he’d used. She had not flirted outrageously, or pushed herself onto him . . . She hadn’t been needy, had she? She had certainly never stepped foot inside the marital home. She had always made him do the decent thing by Joanna and the kids. In the murky moral morass of a marriage breakdown, Andie had tried to do the right thing. She was not like Tasha, and she did not want Tasha to be anything like her.
The ringtone of her mobile startled her.
‘Are you all right?’ Jess said as soon as Andie picked up. ‘What’s going on, where are you?’
‘I’m fine,’ said Andie. ‘I told you I was going to the shop.’
‘But what are you doing there so long?’ she persisted.
‘Well, I’m just having something to eat, and then I’m going to do some paperwork – like I said.’
There was a pause. ‘Are you sure you’re okay?’
‘I am, Jess. Thanks for your concern, but really, I feel better since seeing him.’ That was mostly true. ‘You were so right, I couldn’t avoid him forever. Now I can move on, start making some decisions for myself.’
‘That’s great.’ She sounded a little tentative. ‘What did he have to say for himself?’
‘Oh, I don’t want to go into it all now over the phone. We’ll talk about it later.’
‘Well, that’s the thing,’ said Jess. ‘You know my friend, Alex, and some of the others? Well, they’re meeting for a drink, she invited us along.’
‘Oh, thanks anyway, but I think I’ll pass,’ said Andie. ‘I’m feeling a bit drained actually.’
‘Oh, okay, I’ll stay in then, and wait for you.’
‘No you will not,’ Andie retorted. ‘Jess, I’m perfectly fine. I’ll probably just crash when I get back to your place anyway.’
The Secret Ingredient Page 11