CHAPTER 26
Cancer.
How can one word be powerful enough to pull families apart, separate children from their parents, ignite the greatest fear in one’s self? How can one word have enough power to do so much damage?
I think that word will be imprinted on the back of my eyelids for as long as I live, because that’s what it does. It spreads and spreads, eating up everything in its way until there’s nothing left, and leaves its trace everywhere. It stains beds in hospitals, tints the lives of others and decorates gravestones.
And now? Now it’s attached to Jay.
Standing speechless in the garden, I watch everything happen in a blur; a stretcher being brought towards an ambulance, Blake’s hands holding me back to stop me running towards him, screaming.
Because I know what’s happening, everything has clicked into place. Jay is dying.
The next thing I register is that I’m being pulled towards a car, a male voice asking if I want to go with him to the hospital. I nod absently and let them guide me.
Sometimes shapes make themselves known to me, the tiny frame of Joy clutching my hand and of Blake going in and out of focus. For a long time we’re all held back, told to stay in the waiting room. No one tells us if it’s going to be alright or not, just that they’re doing the best they can.
Finally, someone comes through, a look of triumph on their face and tells the Ellsworth’s that they can see him now; family only.
I mumble words that I’ll be fine and they go in search of him, leaving me lost and confused, sitting in the cold waiting area.
Because that’s the other thing about cancer; you can know exactly what’s wrong, know every single detail, yet it still makes no sense. It still leaves you lost.
I feel even more confused because I only know the very basic details. Jay has brain cancer, a large monster near his cerebellum like a ticking bomb. He could be fine one moment and gone the next.
In an effort to distract myself, I go in search of a vending machine. I have to find a distraction in order to keep myself pulled together and standing, otherwise I’ll collapse in a violent shaking of tears.
When I find the vending machine however, I lean against the wall and can’t seem to keep it together anymore. I slide down it, landing in a pile and just let the tears out, trying to be quiet but not really caring either.
It’s like losing Alex all over again, except even more painful because I know what’s happening, and I am powerless to stop it.
A nurse passes and helps me back to the seating area where I end up just staring at a wall.
Blake finally emerges and I shoot up, almost toppling over again in the process. His face is pale and strained, but he offers me a small, forced smile anyway.
‘He wants to see you,’ he tells me in a barely steady voice. I just nod and let my feet take me to his room, but they suddenly come to a stop and I turn to Blake.
‘Just for the record, it wasn’t your aunt you’ve been scared about these past few weeks, is it?’ I ask softly, for some reason needing the confirmation.
Blake shakes his head ever so slightly.
‘I’m sorry,’ is all he replies.
‘So am I,’ I stammer.
When I reach Jay’s room, Harold and Joy are just emerging from it themselves. Not knowing what to say to each other, Joy squeezes my hand again before they move on. I take a deep breath before slowly opening the door and slipping into the hospital room.
Jay lies on the bed, his eyes shut, tied up to various IV machinery.
I can see it now, really see it. He’s lost weight and his face looks slightly thinner, dark circles around his eyes and a paler complexion. Jay’s still handsome though, still beautiful.
‘You would have thought that in January, it would be cold enough for the hospital to give out trousers,’ Jay comments, still with his eyes closed. ‘My buttocks are freezing under this.’
I don’t laugh. I can’t.
‘When were you going to tell me?’ I say eventually, in a quiet and shaky voice. ‘Or were you just gunna let your gravestone do the explaining for me?’
Now Jay opens his eyes. He looks at me for a long time before shaking his head.
‘Neve-’
‘Don’t,’ I cut him off, a sob finally breaking free. ‘Don’t call me Neve, you only call me that when something’s wrong… and I can’t… not now…’
Jay’s lips twitch upwards.
‘Red, come here.’ He sits up in bed and indicates to the chair beside him.
I give him a sort of nod and fall into the chair, lacing my fingers through his. He’s never felt so fragile before.
‘Just hear me out?’ he asks, eyebrow arched. I manage another nod. Then he holds up the hands that are entwined together. ‘Do you see what you’re doing now? Holding my hand as if it might break at any moment? My family have been doing that with me since I was first diagnosed, tiptoeing around me as if I might break. The only one who keeps things marginally normal is Blake, and I can still see the regret in his eyes if he thinks he pushed me too hard.
‘I can’t live like that, having everyone constantly keeping me wrapped in an invisible safety blanket. So when you came along, I realised that maybe there could be one person, it only had to be one, who knew me but didn’t treat me like that. Treated me like a normal eighteen-year-old, not a walking disaster. I know it was selfish, I know how wrong it was but even now I don’t regret it. And if that makes me a bad person then fine, so be it. But you know it’s true, would you have really just laughed it off when I went flying down that hill on our road trip if you had known?’
I go to protest but realise I can’t, because he’s right. Jay sighs.
‘There’s one thing that’s surprised me more than anything, Red. The fact that, from the first night we met, you never asked me why I was on that bridge,’ he muses.
I gasp, realising I hadn’t thought about it since I was in Nadine’s office the day after. I guess I’d just written it off to coincidence.
He raises an eyebrow.
‘Are you going to ask me now?’
I regard him carefully. ‘Why?’ I ask at last.
‘For the same reason you were,’ Jay replies softly, squeezing my hand. His meaning takes a moment to sink in. Jay sighs again and leans back into the hospital bed, closing his eyes again. ‘This thing inside me, its hurt my family more than it’s hurt me. When we moved here I was just staring around the new house at all the unpacked boxes and thought, why? Why did they have to suffer along with me? The only reason we moved was so that I could spend my last few months in a more peaceful area, closer to family than in London.
‘I figured that the world would be better off without me, that if I just gave it all up they could move back to London and move on with their lives. I’d seen the old bridge on our way into the new town so I just felt compelled to go there.’
Then Jay smiles, looking up at me and squeezing my hand.
‘Instead of death that night, I found a lost girl with bright red hair and a terrible temper. I didn’t know it, but I had found my hope, my reason for fighting.’ Jay’s face falls again, but a ghost of a smile still hangs there. ‘When I saw you on that bridge, it scared me more than anything. Maybe because I saw you as myself for a brief second. For a moment, I almost let you do it; after all, you were there for the same reason as me, right? Who am I to deny anyone freedom from themselves? But then I saw you waiver, and I couldn’t stand to watch you fall. The next thing I know, I’m on the ground being screamed at by said girl,’ Jay laughs.
‘I was in so much shock from what had just happened that I went straight home, and when I saw you the next day I just knew that I couldn’t give up just yet. I had one last thing to do before I left,’ he muses, now using his free hand to trace patterns over my hand. ‘You, Red. You are the reason I’m still here, still fighting. You gave me a reason to live.’
He finally finishes and looks up to see my reaction. I just sit there numbly.
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Jay, I realise, has been tracing along the scars on my palm from where I had dug in my nails and drawn blood yesterday.
‘You know, whenever you’re upset, you hurt yourself,’ he muses quietly, tapping my palm.
‘There must be something the doctors can do right?’ I ask instead, trying to draw the topic of conversation away from myself. I pull my hand away so he has to stop tracing and sit on it instead. He gives me a long look before answering.
‘It’s too late for that, the cancer’s developed too far,’ Jay murmurs.
‘But what about chemo? That’s supposed to sort everything out,’ I utter miserably.
Jay chuckles.
‘Been there, done that, got the T-shirt,’ he grins weakly. I look at him with confusion and he shakes his head. ‘I’ve had the chemo. It got rid of it, but the Bastard came back with a vengeance. It’s gotten to the point where chemo won’t kill it, just prolong the inevitable. I gave up the treatment months ago.’
I go to argue but Jay puts up a hand to silence me. ‘Chemo changes you. Only slightly, but enough,’ he explains, frowning. ‘I know it sounds stupid, but when I go, I still want to be Jay. I want to be me; hair and all,’ he smiles sadly.
‘When did you find out?’ I ask quietly, trying to swallow the lump in my throat. If I just keep asking questions and listening, I won’t have to think.
‘It started a few years ago and disappeared. It came back last year, and a few months ago we came to accept that in a couple of months, I may not be around anymore. Its terminal Neve, nothing can change that. But I need you to be strong for me, okay? I can’t have anything happen to you too,’ Jay pleads, worry in his eyes.
I raise an eyebrow. Jay’s here, dying, and he’s worried about me?
Because he’s in control, he accepted this a long time ago, a voice whispers. I move out of my seat and plant a kiss on his forehead, squeezing his hands.
‘Of course,’ I whisper, as strongly as I possibly can.
A nurse knocks on the door, telling me that they need to take Jay in for more tests and I nod. Just before I leave though, Jay calls to me.
‘Do me a favour?’ he asks, a glint in his eyes.
‘Course,’ I smile.
‘Burn that diary of yours for me, the one with all the messages in. Burn it, and burn it good.’ He winks at me and I roll my eyes before leaving his room.
It’s only when I’m finally out of the room that everything comes crashing down again; this is really happening.
I take a deep breath and go in search of Blake, heading towards the seating area we were first led into. The Ellsworth’s aren’t there, but a young woman in her very early twenties comes up to me, her eyes the same green as Jay’s but with hair which is darker and thicker, like Blake’s.
‘Neve?’ The girl asks. I nod. ‘Are they still letting people see him, my brother I mean?’
Ah, so this must be their sister, Carrie.
‘They’re running tests on him, sorry,’ I explain. The girl’s shoulders slump and she pinches the bridge of her nose. I notice that she’s in a nice suit and skirt, although it looks creased from all of the sitting around. ‘Carrie, right?’
Carrie looks up and gives a small smile, shaking her head in frustration and running a hand through her hair.
‘You must think I’m a Bitch, right?’ she suddenly says.
My eyes widen and my eyebrows rise at the statement. ‘No, why would I think that?’
‘Because I knew all this was going on and I still refused to come home for Christmas,’ she replies distantly, still shaking her head. ‘The truth is, some part of me was scared to see him like this. And I guess I hoped that if maybe I tried running from it, it might disappear,’ she sighs miserably, trailing off. Then she looks at me again and straightens herself.
‘But, you don’t care about any of that. Everyone else has gone home, want a lift back?’ she asks kindly. Dumbly, I look around as if the Ellsworth’s will appear out of nowhere.
‘Can you take me back to theirs?’ I ask uncomfortably, wringing my hands together.
Carrie brightens. ‘Of course, come on.’
She leads me down to her car and we undergo a slightly awkward ride back. Eventually I find my voice and ask her about New York, but she only gives minimal answers.
‘I thought you were supposed to be in New York anyway?’ I suddenly frown. Carrie chuckles.
‘Jay got really ill over the weekend, so I took the first plane over. I got in about half an hour ago, jet lag is a killer,’ she tells me wryly.
That would explain why neither of the boys were answering their phones on Sunday. We finally reach the house and Carrie lets us in. The house seems a lot quieter than usual, and no one starts shouting when we enter. It seems emptier somehow. A lot emptier.
Joy appears from the kitchen, not looking at all like her usually strong self, wrapping a thick woolly jumper around her tightly, her face red and eyes blotchy.
‘Oh, Neve, there you are,’ Joy says in a soft tone, a small smile still visible. She opens her arms and embraces me.
‘I hope I’m not intruding?’ I ask quietly. Joy smiles.
‘Never. Can I get you tea or anything?’
I shake my head.
‘No, thank you. I was wondering, is it possible to see Blake at all?’
‘Of course, I think he’s upstairs,’ she tells me. I quickly cross the hall as Carrie approaches her mother and they both fall into hushed, sobbing whispers.
Checking his room to no avail, I head up into the boy’s makeshift den, knocking on the door before pushing it open carefully.
Blake is sitting on the edge of the sofa, his hands clasped together and just looking at the screen in front of him, still playing one of their ridiculous zombie games, although the controller has been discarded next to him. His posture is stiff and his usually shining eyes are now dull and lifeless as he stares at the screen, dark circles ringing them.
He doesn’t seem to acknowledge me, trapped in a world of his own.
Maybe this is a bad idea, my mind scolds. Without saying a word, I turn to leave, but Blake finally stirs.
‘Mum told me to come home, try and rest for a while. That didn’t happen so I figured that maybe shooting some heads off some zombies might do the trick,’ he smiles wryly, looking up at me. ‘It hasn’t worked so far. You too?’
‘Something like that,’ I shrug from the doorway. Blake nods in understanding and leans back into the sofa, turning off the game and patting the seat next to him. I pace over and slide in beside him, his warm arms folding around me and helping to calm my shaking. Our fingers lace together and we just sit for a while, taking comfort in each other’s presence.
‘I’m sorry,’ I blurt out once after a few minutes. ‘I’m sorry for being such a dick these past few days.’
Blake chuckles slightly.
‘I’m sorry too, you were right about what you said about Alex, about how you were scared to let him go,’ Blake sighs. ‘I thought I understood what it meant to lose someone, I’ve been preparing for it long enough, and I think in some ways I’ve already lost parts of Jay, yet I realise now that I didn’t have a clue. I think I do now, after today. I really thought for a moment that he wasn’t going to wake up…’ Blake trails off, swallowing the lump in his throat.
Lost for words, I just squeeze his hand and snuggle closer to him.
‘It’s stupid, but I just keep praying that one morning I’ll wake up and this will all be one terrible nightmare,’ Blake snorts. ‘But that hasn’t happened yet either.’
Something in my heart breaks that little bit more. Whilst Jay has obviously come to accept his fate, no one else seems to.
‘He wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye,’ I say quietly, a small smile on my lips. ‘He’s too much of a gentleman for that.’
Blake laughs. ‘Jay hates goodbyes. Jay’s told you why he was on the bridge the night you met? Well, do you know how he told me what he was going to do? He left a no
te. A bloody suicide note. When he got back I almost strangled him for that in itself. But when I took a better look at him, I could see determination firing up inside him, like the old Jay, not the sullen one that was starting to make its presence. I guess I should have figured out you were the girl he was on about the first time we met, but it didn’t click until you told me everything. You brought the old Jay back to me,’ he muses, stroking my hand. ‘So thank you for that.’
‘And in return, he brought me to you,’ I muse. Suddenly, I straighten up, the oddest thought taking form. ‘You know, it’s a bit of a coincidence, that when Jay got sick, instead of cancelling the cinema trip, he sent you instead. Or that he “forgot” to tell you that Charity was at the party, leading to me playing your girlfriend. Or that Jay just happened to be ill when we were needing partners in science, ending up in me falling in with Noah and her friends,’ I point out. ‘Jay’s been steering my life in one direction since we first met. I think Jay had also planned for us two to happen from the beginning.’
Blake mulls this over for a moment before his eyes widen, deciding that I may be right after all.
‘Son of a bitch,’ he murmurs, and a second later we burst into laughter.
Okay, so maybe Jay didn’t plan everything, he just has very good timing. But, he did push me to get into college. He did push me to visit my parents house, which I wouldn’t have bothered even finding out about if knowing him hadn’t opened me up to curiosity over my past. And Blake and I certainly wouldn’t have gone out as much without him orchestrating it. Jay even made sure I have two sets of friends, Noah and Dixie’s groups, to merge into. He’s been setting me up for when he goes for a long time.
‘Ah man, I got set up by my little brother,’ Blake groans, still chuckling.
‘Hey, I take that as an insult.’
Blake grins. ‘You don’t understand, I’m the one meant to be setting him up with chicks I’m not bothered about anymore.’
I raise an eyebrow.
‘Not that I actually do that.’
‘Whatever,’ I laugh, pushing him lightly. I turn back to the games console and pick up a spare controller. ‘Come on then, let’s kick some zombified arse.’
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