A numb feeling runs through me and I decide to go straight to bed, even though it’s not even ten yet.
Although my sleep is a peaceful one, I wake up the next morning with tears staining my cheeks, silently crying into my pillow and clutching my gold necklace. A hollow feeling of sadness wakes with me, and my muscles feel dull and unusable.
Because I know. I know before I hear the phone ring. I know before I hear Charlie’s footsteps coming mournfully up the stairs. I know.
I don’t need a phone call to tell me Jay didn’t make it through the night.
CHAPTER 29
I’ve never really understood why people wear black at funerals; surely it only dampens the mood further? But I understand now, because black is devoid of all colour, of all life.
As I look around the small church, I notice people tugging down the hem of their dresses, flattening out the creases of their shirt or rearranging their wide hats. All of the clothing is black, some silky or others lace. My own outfit is made up of a nice black dress and flat shoes.
I figured I had to wear a dress really, purely because Jay had been so surprised that I didn’t own one before.
Why do we care so much about idle things, the colour or style of our clothing, the type of flowers lying on the coffin or the burial place? Some would say it’s because they want to show respect, they want what’s best for the person who isn’t even here to appreciate it. I think it’s because these little things are stable, we can be sure of the material under our fingers or the sight before our eyes. And in a time such as death, we need stability to balance out the confusion and the loss.
Even in the short time he has been here, Jay has touched quite a lot of people, and so the church is anything but empty. Most people who are here are people I don’t know, so I keep my head down and stick to Blake’s side.
Noah’s here and she keeps appearing at my side to make sure I’m okay. Dixie is here too, although the usually bright sparks in her eyes have dimmed and she talks in whispers. Even Charity is here. We barely share more than a look, but its one full of understanding, not hatred.
We take our seats and the priest says his words, although I barely register them. I have been to funerals before; I already know the words.
Charlie sits on one side of me, holding my hand, and Blake sits on my other side as I lean my head on his shoulder. One by one the Ellsworth family get up to speak, all except Blake.
I asked him the other day why he wasn’t going to speak and Blake shook his head and smiled sadly. ‘Jay hates goodbyes,’ is all he replied.
Eventually, I’m called up, and I give both boys beside me one final squeeze of the hand before making my way up to the tiny podium. Looking out, I realise speaking like this in front of so many people is daunting, but I don’t let that affect me.
I didn’t speak at Alex’s funeral, I had stayed at the back in the shadows, hating myself for doing this to him. But today I am going to speak. I don’t care if Jay hates goodbyes, he’s getting one.
I grip a piece of lined paper in my hands, the sound of it rustling throughout the silent church as my hands shake, but I decide I don’t need my notes in the end. I know what I want to say. I take hold of the wooden podium to steady myself.
‘A few of you know that I lost another best friend of mine a long time ago,’ I start, my voice echoing around the space. ‘And that absolutely tore me apart. I fell into a very dark place, never knowing if I was going to come out of it again… but then Jay turned up in my greatest hour of need, like a light flickering on in my world of darkness.’ I smile softly. ‘I can’t say we hit it off immediately. I slapped him and he almost accidentally ran me over, but that’s the thing about Jay, he doesn’t give up. And even though I tried to push him away, he didn’t give up on me.’
I pause and will my eyes not to start tearing up. I can already hear shakiness in my voice. ‘I’ve met a lot of amazing people in my life, but Jay was one of a kind. On Christmas day he literally showed me the world. He’s given me a future and given me friends. He’s even brought me closer to my family.’ I look over at Charlie and he winks. Then my gaze passes over to Joy who smiles back. ‘Jay even gave me a new family. I owe him so much, because he has given me so much.
‘Jay Ellsworth literally came along and turned my world upside down, shook it and threw my old life out of the window,’ I say, laughing slightly. ‘And I am so grateful. Jay told me once, that he didn’t just want to be another face, that he didn’t want be forgotten after he was gone. I can tell you now that he had nothing to worry about, because his memory will stay with me for eternity.’
Around me, light seems to seep though the stained glass windows, lighting up the place and warming me inside. Maybe Jay is here after all. My gaze travels towards the top of the church and I smile again.
‘Jay, you’ve only been in my life for a short amount of time, but you’ll stand with me for years to come. You told me that you would never leave me alone, and I believe you, because I will never leave you either,’ I manage to choke out, bringing my gaze downwards to the collection of people again. ‘I won’t go back to the same dark place Jay had to pull me out of. Instead, I’m going to live everyday for him and keep his memory alive. I won’t give up on him, because he didn’t give up on me. I love you, Jay. You’ll be in my heart forever.’
I finish my speech and fall away from the podium, a little part of me feeling a little lighter. I will keep my promise, I will live everyday for him.
As I leave and head back to sit down next to Charlie, though, I whisper one word under my breath.
‘Goodbye.’
17 Months Later
‘I dunno, I’m pretty busy,’ I call down the phone, dragging out the words as if I really do have things to do all week. ‘But, I may be able to squeeze you in sometime before I leave. Possibly.’
‘Oh shut it, you. Be round here by ten tomorrow or face my wrath,’ Blake teases on the other end of the line. ‘I can’t believe you’re only in town for two weeks though, since when did you have a life?’
I roll my eyes and pull my coat a little closer around me against the evening chill as I walk through the town of my previous home.
‘London is calling, and I can’t let them down,’ I reply, excitement running through me.
‘Oh yeah, and why is that again?’ Blake asks innocently, even though he knows exactly why I’m going to London in two weeks. Not that I mind repeating myself, it’s the best thing that’s possibly ever happened to me.
‘Well, Blake,’ I start, a huge smile breaking out on my features. ‘Because I’m so brilliant, my artwork was chosen to win first place in one of the college’s competitions, and the first prize just happens to be a spot in one of London’s galleries to exhibit your work!’ I can’t help but squeal at the end of the sentence. ‘My work is actually going to be exhibited in a London gallery! I’m thinking of calling the set, Hello World: A Brand New Me. Too cliché?’ I ask, genuinely looking for an opinion.
‘I think it sounds great,’ Blake assures me. ‘I guess I’m gunna have to buy a ticket to this thing, huh?’
‘Oh yes,’ I smirk. ‘Don’t act like its such a hardship, you love it.’
‘Ah, you got me,’ he admits and again, I roll my eyes.
‘Look, I have to be somewhere now but I’ll stop by in half an hour or so,’ I say, glancing quickly at my watch. It’s already ten but I’ve just got back from spending the day with Charlie. Nadine’s officially moved in now and obviously no longer my counsellor.
My new counsellor is everything I’ve ever feared, podgy around the edges with eagle eyes and thin glasses sat on her pointy nose, but I’m getting used to her. Plus, my counselling sessions will be coming to an end in a few weeks as I’m going to uni.
I’m going to be studying illustration at Nottingham Trent, so if all fails and I become a complete social outcast, I’ll just spend my time hanging out with Nathan.
It’ll be sad leaving my little apartment in Cambridge
, but I’m excited too.
As for me and Blake, I’m not too sure where we stand. We’re taking it one day at a time, testing the waters. It’s still slightly weird to think of us dating after Jay’s death, so we’ve decided to take it slow.
And as for Kai, I have no idea nor do I desire to know what happened to her. And if I find out it’ll be a lifetime too soon.
I pass through to the opposite side of town and make my way down the familiar pathways, my red hair bobbing along as I walk. Yes, my hair is still bright red, and a little longer than before. I think I’ll keep it this way for a long time, because it’s a part of Jay now as well as Alex, and it makes me smile whenever I look in a mirror.
Finally, I reach my destination, the familiar gravestone staring back at me. I haven’t been here in a long time, but it’s almost good to be back.
Alex Mason.
The name still causes me pain, but it’s manageable now. I don’t feel guilty or angry when I see it anymore. I no longer hate myself for what happened that night. There will always be regret, things I know I could have done better, but I’m done with the hate.
I don’t visit Jay as much as I’ve ever visited Alex, as odd as that sounds. His ashes are scattered in a nature park, a beautiful place in summer, and Blake and me visit together sometimes.
But now I stand by my best friend and try to clear my head, a piece of paper fluttering around in the silent breeze.
‘Hey,’ I tell the gravestone, rather awkwardly. I haven’t really been able to talk to Alex like this since his death, I’ve never had the chance to say goodbye, never let myself speak the words. I’ve been too afraid.
‘I’m sorry for not visiting more often,’ I apologise. ‘I just want you to know that you haven’t been forgotten, that you could never be forgotten.’ Tearing up, I glance down at the piece of paper in my hand. ‘I finally managed to draw you,’ I tell the gravestone with a smile, holding up the sketch. ‘It’ll never do you complete justice, but I don’t think it’s completely terrible.’
Silently, I kneel down in front of the stone and place the drawing on the dry ground, using a few pebbles to stop it flying away in the wind. Then I stand up straight again and smile, even though a tear is rolling down my cheek.
‘I guess I couldn’t draw you before because I couldn’t admit just how much you meant to me, how I felt about you before. I know it sounds stupid, and you’re probably laughing at me now but I don’t care, because it’s true. It’s taken me a long time to see it, but I can finally say the words.’ I take a deep breath and close my eyes. ‘I-I loved you, Alex. I guess I still do, and that’s why it was so hard to move on. Because I love you, so much, and I think I always have. And I think… I think you loved me too.’
I never loved Alex like I loved Jay. I love Jay like a brother. But I’m in love with Alex, and I have been for a long time, I’ve just been too afraid to admit it, too scared of all the extra pain it would cause. But I’m not scared anymore.
‘One more time,’ I pray under my breath, my eyes squeezed shut. ‘Please, just let me see him one last time.’
At first I think nothing is going to happen, that when I yelled at Alex to leave me alone when I was in my room he’d left me for good… but then I feel a sort of presence beside me. I can feel Alex’s warmth, smell his spicy scent.
I smile.
‘We have to stop meeting like this.’ A familiar voice speaks into the night and I very slowly open my eyes.
‘Well, I couldn’t leave without saying goodbye, not this time,’ I grin, turning around to see Alex standing behind me. He’s in the same clothes he’s always in, his blonde hair still in that shaggy style of his.
I look Alex up and down, drinking him in this time, savouring every part of him. I know this will be the last time I ever see him again.
Absently, my eyes drift up to the side of the head where Kai had hit him, at the back, just before his ear starts.
‘It didn’t hurt,’ Alex says quietly, watching me watch him. ‘Well, not really. It was over quickly.’
‘Why didn’t you tell me about you and Kai?’ I sigh, reaching out to touch the spot before realising what I’m doing and dropping my hand.
Alex smirks.
‘Because then I would have had to explain why I was running around with some other girl, not being with the one I wanted to be with. Because I was scared to tell you the truth, so I tried to cover it up instead. Because I’m a guy.’ Alex tilts his head, his hand twitching with the need to reach out to me. ‘I really screwed that up, huh?’
I chuckle. ‘Just a bit. I forgive you though, I always will.’
‘That’s good to know,’ Alex grins. Then he takes a step closer, our noses almost touching. ‘Why didn’t you let me say it before?’
‘Say what?’ I frown.
‘That I love you,’ Alex chuckles. ‘Because I do love you, Neve, I don’t care what you tell yourself. I love you so damn much.’
‘I love you too,’ I choke out, starting to cry.
I guess sometimes miracles do happen, that sometimes wishes can come true, because something magnificent happens then. Alex takes another step forward, and, breaking through the barriers of my imagination, reaches towards me and brings me into his arms.
I blink in shock as his arms surround me, sheltering me from the cold outside and encasing me in warmth and love. I close my eyes again and lean against his chest, his clothes feeling as real as his touch.
‘If I close my eyes, will you stay?’ I whisper. I feel Alex’s chest fall and rise quickly as he chuckles, running a hand through my hair.
‘You know I can’t do that,’ he replies, just as softly. ‘Goodbye, Neve. Don’t forget me, okay?’
‘I won’t, I promise. Goodbye, Alex,’ I reply, squeezing my eyes tightly and gripping his jacket fiercely. Alex traces a finger along my jaw line, drawing my chin up so that our lips meet.
Alex kisses me ever so gently, yet with a passion that has me bursting to life inside, little empty vessels filling up with love and promise. The kiss is life itself, and all the good things that come with it.
I move my hands to tangle them in his hair and pull him closer to me and he presses me tighter against him.
In that moment, everything is perfect. Everything is real.
All good things end though, and when I eye open my eyes, Alex is nothing more than another memory. I lift my fingers up to my lips and gently touch them, the tingle of Alex’s presence still resonating there.
I turn back to the grave, my gaze landing on my sketch, and I begin to beam, my smile wide.
Alex loved me.
Even though I know it’s my imagination that’s just conjured him up, he felt so real. He felt so much like Alex. Something in me finally feels complete, and I leave the graveyard feeling warm and fuzzy inside.
Alex loves me.
There’s something else though, a sense of closure that I’ve never had the chance to experience before. For once, I feel like I can really start moving on, I can start letting myself really feel again.
Absently, I decide I should really be heading back to Charlie’s, or even Blake’s, but some unknown force pulls me in the opposite direction and I just flow with it.
It takes me a moment to realise where I am, and with a start I begin to see the structure of the old bridge I’d met Jay on start to come into view. I pause, a familiar presence starting to build up around me again.
The shadows are thicker around here than on the main road because of the trees and buildings. One of the shadows seems to a have a more human shape than the others though, with almost green eyes and a light brownish-tint to the hair.
The figure smiles, and I smile back, giving Jay a small wave of the hand. Jay winks before falling into shadow again, like smoke in the wind. With him gone, I have a clearer view of the bridge, and a much fuller figure comes into view, feet frozen to the railing and a shaking hand clutching the lamppost next to it.
Instead of screaming at the figu
re and telling the boy to get down, I calmly walk over in his direction, already knowing what to do. I can still feel the presence of Jay with me, and I let him guide me.
The boy doesn’t even seem to notice me, too wrapped up in his own thoughts.
In the moonlight, I can see the boy appears to be my age, with golden, curling hair. The rest of him is a mystery though as he has his back turned to me. Very softly, so not to startle him, I speak into the night.
‘You know, jumping won’t solve anything,’ I utter quietly.
Even with my soft tone, the boy jumps and whips round, his hazel eyes widening in surprise.
‘What?’ he retorts, his voice full of confusion.
‘Jumping,’ I clarify. ‘It won’t solve anything. Well maybe for you it will, you’ll be dead. But for the other people around you, the ones who care even though you don’t realise it, it’ll only be the beginning of their problems.’
‘What do you know?’ the boy replies, his glare turning icy. I give him a half smile.
‘More than you realise,’ I smirk. ‘What’s your name?’
The boy doesn’t say anything, he just stares at me with those intense eyes.
‘Fine,’ I say eventually, realising I’m not going to get anything out of him. ‘How about we make a deal? Give me two weeks to change your mind. Two weeks, and then you can do whatever you like,’ I prompt, nodding my head towards the bridge.
The boy still says nothing, he doesn’t even move.
I shrug. ‘Don’t say I didn’t try,’ I sigh, turning on my heels and slowly walking away.
For a moment, I fear he won’t take the bait, but then I hear footsteps hurrying up beside me.
‘Toby,’ I hear a voice say, and I stop my walking and turn around to face the boy from the bridge. He regards me carefully, keeping his distance and folding his arms defensively across his chest. ‘My name is Toby.’
Is this what I looked like when Jay found me? So helpless and alone and desperate for someone to even acknowledge my existence? Because that’s what’s written all over Toby’s face.
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