by Lilian Darcy
He couldnt mistake the anger in her voice, or the shift in her attitude. She didnt think highly of the way he ran his life, and she took it personally.
Stacey
Stacey gave a mechanical smile and didnt let herself meet Jakes eye. Excuse me, Jake, Im going to grab some food now and say hi to Nancy.
Hey, look, dont you think we need to?
No. She didnt think they needed to do anything.
She knew she needed to find some space. She was furious with herself.
And, yes, as Jake had picked up, she was angry with him, too. He hadnt changedand she should have understood this at once. She should never have flirted with him over the oven controls, letting the old attraction show so openly.
She found it disturbing enough that the attraction still existed. To act on it in any way would be asking for trouble. He stood close, a little threatening in the way he confronted her. What did he want? Honesty? To dig up the past?
Let me breathe, Jake. Its a mistake, thinking we have anything left for each other after all this time. Anything except anger and regret.
He gave a tight nod. Youre probably right. I just wanted to talk.
Well, I dont. She turned away from him and looked for Nancy across the room.
Shed been captured by all the wrong memories, yesterday and this evening. The good memories. Memories of how she and Jake had once connected to each other with humor, and through the sizzle of teasing laced with awareness. Nothings funnier than a joke between two people who want each other, no matter how lame the actual lines. She and Jake used to laugh all the time, while their blood sang with wanting.
So help her, her blood still sang with wanting, but she had to forget about that and focus on all the ways hed hurt her, and all the signals that he hadnt changed. She spent the next hour talking to other people, helping to serve the hot food.
Anything to avoid getting too close to Jake.
Chapter Three
T he situation was ironic, Jake decided.
Hed come back to Portland to heal one rift, only to face another one. And to be honest, in his adult life hed been affected a heck of a lot more by what had happened between himself and Stacey than by the fact that his father and his uncle didnt speak to each other.
Am I going to let this happen?
Am I going to let us go the whole evening without talking about what we went through together, and how we feel now? I want to say Annas name out loud, to the one person wholl understand how sweet and sad it sounds.
No. He wasnt going to let it slide.
He couldnt.
They had to talk.
He looked across the room at Stacey. Hed been tracking her the whole evening, for a good two hours at least, although hed tried not to let anyone see itespecially Stacey herself.
To his eyes, she was the star of the whole gathering. The prettiest. The warmest. The best listener. The one who set up the most unlikely conversational pairingssuch as the one between his brother Ryans supercilious, bored-looking girlfriend and his cousin Erics quiet wife, Jenny.
Anitra, Ryan tells me youre studying for a law degree, part-time, while you model, Jake had heard her say, while pretending he wasnt listening. Jenny, youre an attorney and I know you were juggling a lot of commitments at one stage. Any tips for Anitra?
Now Anitra was laughing with Jenny, in the middle of one of those very female conversations where theyre both nodding like crazy and going, Oh, I know! Oh, absolutely! Oh, I totally understand! the whole time.
Jillian and her friend Lisa Sanders were talking together very earnestly. Stacey had been a part of their conversation for some minutes, also. Lisa seemed a little upset and agitated. Stacey had listened intently to what shed said, nodding and frowning. Now Jake heard Jillian say in a decisive way, You cannot have something like this hanging over you, Lisa, and neither can Carrie and Brian. Get the legal situation checked out. If theres any chance that your ex could invalidate the adoption
Lisa chewed on her lip. My ex. I cant believe we were ever involved. It seems a lifetime ago. And I cant believe he would try to mess with all our lives like this, just because he thinks theres something in it for him. She shook her head, sounding distressed, and Jake realized he should move farther away from what was obviously a very personal conversation.
Meanwhile, Stacey had retreated to his kitchen to load the dishwasher, which unfortunately matched the oven and had similar cryptic controls.
His cue, he decided, heading in that direction. Try the Mercedes-Benz symbol, Stace.
Yeah, I would, she answered, straightening. If her cheeks had been a faint, pretty pink before, they were flushed now. It suited her, hinted at her emotional nature. Only there isnt one.
Leave the dishwasher, he growled at her. I want to talk to you.
The feeling isnt mutual, Jake, right now. She hunched her shoulders, and hugged her arms across her front. Wewe flirted before, and we shouldnt have. It was irresponsible and meaningless and just dumb. If you think Im backing off fastyoure right! I dont want to talk.
Dont you think this is the best time? He stepped closer, because he didnt want people to hear this. When seeing each other again has brought our emotions so close to the surface?
Why do we have to talk at all? We havent, for seventeen years, and weve done okay.
Have we? Have we really done okay? I think its all still there, underneath. I think its still affecting us.
Well, of course. Her voice dropped low. Theres still barely a day goes by that I dont think about Anna.
There it was. The sad sound of her name that hed needed to hear, and that reproached him every single time. In his mind, he could see her, the tiny, tiny form, the black silky hair, the paper-thin translucent skin, those brief, fluttering movements shed made before
Stop.
Just stop.
especially since I had the twins, Stacey was saying.
Not just Anna, he forced himself to argue. The choices we made afterward. The things we turned our backs on.
You turned your back on.
You, just as much.
I dont see it that way. She sounded very stubborn, with a good bit of bravado in the mix.
No? he challenged her. We always talked about seeing the world, and yet youre still here in Portland with a failed marriage, stuck in a dreary suburban rut.
She flinched, and he wished hed chosen his words better.
Then she lifted her chin and returned the attack, which shouldnt have surprised him. So making a family means being in a rut, does it, Jake? What about you? Some people wouldnt call what youve done with your life widening your horizons, theyd call it running away.
Theyd be wrong. I like my life very much.
Good for you. She blinked back sudden tears. And I like mine. There. Weve talked. Weve told each other were happy. Weve defended our choices. Thats enough, isnt it?
Stacey
Its enough, she repeated. Thank you for this. She waved vaguely at the gathering, which was still going strong after two or three hours. I like your family. Ive had a good time. Im glad Jillian invited me. But Im going home.
He didnt try to argue, but only because hed already decided to tackle their talk a different way.
The worst part about Staceys rare evenings out when the twins were away was that she had to come back to an empty house. Shed left the heating turned up and a couple of lights on in strategic places, so the space was cozy enough. Her garage opened directly into a mudroom off the kitchen, which meant there was no interval of cold and vulnerability as she walked between the car and the house, but still it felt lonely and wrong.
So much in her life was right. Her children, her job, her house, her friends.
This part of it wasnt.
Shed never planned for a life in which she had to come home at night alone. She liked the warmth of people around her, and found it nourishing. As a poor substitute for actual human contact, she checked the answer machine and found a message from her sister, Gisel
le, which was unusual. Stacey was the elder by five years and theyd never been all that close. Giselle had only been thirteen when she and Mom and Dad had moved to San Diego.
On the machine, she sounded perky and busy. Hi-i, Stacey! Just calling. No reason. Talk to you soon. Bye-ee!
No other messages.
Which was good, because it meant that everything must be running smoothly for John with the twins.
Stacey looked at the clock on the microwave9:42. What? she complained to the green numbers. You leave me with an hour between now and bed, and no suggestions about what I should do? You couldnt have made it 10:25?
No reply from the clock.
She made herself some hot chocolate, lit the gas firemore for the companionship of its cheerful blue and orange flames than for its warmthand put on a DVD.
About twenty minutes later, shed gotten comfortable when her doorbell rang, which spooked her a little at this time of nightuntil she looked through the peephole.
She should have known.
Jake.
Heart sinking, she opened the door for him, with a brief, Hi, then stood back in silence for him to walk past her into the house. Clearly, hed meant what he said about needing to talk. Even outside of rush hour, his place was a solid twenty-minute drive from here. He must have left his guests with Jillian to act as hostess. What kind of excuse had he made?
He didnt intend to waste any time getting to the point, it seemed. She offered several beverage options, hot and cold, but he waved them all away. She ushered him toward the fire, but he ignored her and paced up and down the patterned Persian rug instead.
Im sorry, he said. I shouldnt have said what I did about you being in a rut. It wasnt exactly the best start I could have made.
Start to what?
We have to say this stuff, Stacey! Were going to keep seeing each other around the hospital. Nancy and Jillian both think of you as a friend, and Im working on thinking of them as family. The connections are there, and ongoing. We ended in such a mess seventeen years ago. Were a lot older now. You know I loved you
Did you? You loved me? Youd claim that?
Do you doubt it?
You pushed me away! You picked fights. I was the one who finally said Its over, yes, but you made me say it, Jake. You didnt rest until youd goaded me into it!
He stopped pacing in the middle of the rug, pinned by her words. Theyd hit home. She could see it.
You manipulated me into saying it, she went on, as the punch line to a massive fight, and you left me with the guilt when I did. We conceived Anna together, and we lost her, and then you manipulated the relationship so that I was the one who couldnt let the loss bring us closer. It took me a long time to see all of that, but I know its the way it was. The only thing I dont understand is why. If youre telling me you did love me
Of course I did.
But you stopped loving me after Anna died? Because you wanted to be free?
After Anna died, I was never going to be free, he muttered, so low that she wasnt convinced shed heard him right.
Well, its the only reason I can come up with. She turned toward the gas fire, needing to look at those leaping flames, instead of Jakes frowning face.
Is it? he said.
The evidence is there in the life youve lived since, Jake. She didnt turn to face him again, but felt him move closer. Ive seen your résumé. No wife. No kids. You dont stay in one place for longer than two or three years. Youve worked all over the world. Clearly that need for newness and change and movement runs deep. And it angers me that you couldnt be honest about it. You wanted your freedom, but you couldnt say so. You had to turn me into the bad guy, instead. She shook her head. I had the same thing from my mother my whole life, growing up. I was the disappointing daughter, the one who messed up, while Giselle was perfect. I can fall into the role of bad guy sooo easily, Jake. Very convenient for you. And yetyou didnt put me there on purpose? If you did she shook her head again then we really have nothing to say.
You werent this angry yesterday, or earlier tonight.
She laughed. No, because believe it or not, in a rut or not, I do have a lifeone that I find very satisfying, by and large.
Tell me.
My job, my kids, my friends, my house, my hobbies. I havent spent the past seventeen years dwelling on grievances. Im a pretty positive person. At first, when I saw you and talked with you, I remembered the good times. The connections.
Oh, boy, did she remember the connections! Hed moved to stand beside her now, and they both watched the fire. Every cell in her body seemed to pull toward him. What was it about this one man? She had to take a breath to steady herself before she could continue.
Now, though, when you tell me that Im in a rut, and say that you did love meYes, Im angry. Its confusing and upsetting. And I really dont understand.
She had to wait a long time for his reply. The fire purred faintly, and the room was so quiet that she could hear the whir of the DVD player, which shed left on the pause setting. Finally, he spoke. If that DVD player had been any louder, she wouldnt have heard.
I pushed you away because I felt so damn guilty, Stacey.
Jake heard the words that came out of his mouth after the long silence and didnt know if he could follow through with the full truth, even now. Was this what hed meant by talking? Had he intended to make this much of a confession?
Hed driven here without rehearsing his lines, without much rational thought at all. Hed just known he needed to see her again tonight, not wait for some awkward moment when they ran into each other at the hospital.
As soon as hed entered her house hed felt the old attraction flare once again. Hed barely taken in the decor, just a vague impression of warmth and color and quirkiness, the kind of detail you promised yourself youd take a closer look at next time.
And then the first thing hed done was apologize, because there was so much he regretted when it came to Stacey and their shared past. But could he talk about it?
Guilty? she echoed. Because Anna came too soon? How was that your fault? The doctors told us
Because it let me off the hook. It opened the door to the original plan, the one wed had to let go of when we found out you were pregnant. You know the saying. Be careful what you wish for.
Tears filled her eyes. You wished for
He swore harshly. No! Of course I didnt wish for us to lose Anna! But I would never have chosen at that age to get married and be a father and settle down in Portland, Stacey. I wanted you, but I didnt want the whole traditional package. Not then. Not at eighteen.
And now?
Were not talking about now. But, no, I dont see myself ever going that route, I have to say.
Because its boring? Narrow?
Because its
Too scary, and too hard.
Anna had taught him this. Most menboyshave pretty simplistic attitudes to life at eighteen. Love is love. Grief is grief. Freedom is freedom. You want what you want. No ambivalence. No excuses. Until Staceys pregnancy hed never imagined you could tear yourself in two with such conflicting, opposing emotionsemotions that simply had no way to coexist. Loving Stacey became a burden. Loving Anna was a burden, also, and every bit as heavy.
Because its just not for me, he finished after a moment. Its still not. And it definitely wasnt for me back then. There were timesa lot of timeswhen I just wanted the whole situation to go away. Like for some superhero to fly up into space he mocked himself with words and tone and reverse the rotation of the earth so that time would spin itself back to the moment before I didnt pick up a pack of condoms the night of the prom, or something. It wasnt logical. It was never logical or rational or thought out, Stacey. I just wanted the situation to go away, he repeated.
And then it did.
And then it did.
And I was racked with grief, while you
I was, too. Never doubt that! Only I didnt have the right to be, I only had the right to feel guilty, because at some level Id made it happen. Again,
not rational. We were both in a mess. For a while, I tried to pick up the idea of us traveling, going to college together somewhere different. Like New York.
I remember you talked about New York.
You werent interested. You didnt want to know. You wanted me to stay at Portland State.
I needed time, for heavens sake!
I know, he answered quietly. I just couldnt see it then. Of course you did. But even if Id given it to you, Im not sure that it would have helped, because I wasnt ever going to let myself be happy with you after we lost Anna.
Because you didnt think you deserved to get what youd always wantedthe two of us and the wide horizons.
Thats right.
Oh, Jake She didnt sound angry anymore.
I picked the fights. I did push you away. Im so sorry about that, Stacey, believe me. When you told me we were finished, it hurt like hell, but I felt like it had to happen. It was inevitable. There was a relief, too. Cosmic justice had been served.
Jake
I was eighteen. We were eighteen. To both of them, it sounded so impossibly young.
He put his arm around her and she leaned in, not away. Her head dropped to his shoulder. They stared at the flames. He felt a cloak of peace settle over his shoulders. Peace and trust.
Tonight, when I said her name Jake revealed. Youre the only one I can say her name to, Stacey. My mom and dad, maybe, but its still not the same.
No. It wouldnt be.
Her bare arm felt warm beneath his hand. Her hip bumped his and he realized their thighs were pressing together, separated only by the fabric of his jeans and her frothy skirt. None of this was about sex, though, it was about shared pain and mutual support.
I said something about her to my mother, once, she said quietly, after a minute. Maybe five years ago? I used her name. After Anna died. Do you know what Mom said?
Tell me.
Whos Anna? Mom had forgotten that we ever named her.