The smell of burned wood hung in the air, stinging her eyes as she closed the door behind her. Luke had half risen from a chair over by the window, and as she watched him he slowly sank back into it. For just a moment, she’d thought that his eyes had blazed with happiness when she walked in the door. Now they were unreadable again as he slid down into his chair and stared at her in the semigloom of the office.
He broke the silence first. “What brings you to this neck of the woods, Julia?” he drawled, propping his feet on the table and folding his hands behind his head.
Something shattered inside her, crumbling into dust. Up until this minute, she’d been hoping that he would want to see her. In her heart, she’d been imagining an emotional reunion, the two of them falling into each other’s arms and pledging undying love. Reality was more like a fist in the gut.
“I brought the money I owe you.” She was pleased that she managed to keep her voice brisk and businesslike. “I have a check for you.”
Fumbling in her briefcase, glad for the excuse to avoid looking at him for a second, she drew out the piece of blue paper and walked over to him. She placed it on the table that stood where his desk used to be, then turned and headed for the door.
“Julia, wait.” She could almost imagine there was desperation in his voice, but that was ridiculous. Lucas McKinley had nothing to be desperate about.
Turning around slowly, she watched him as he swung his legs off the table and stood up, shoving his hair back off his face. The look he gave her was almost uncertain, and she bit her lip as her heart began to pound.
“Why did you come here, Julia?” This time his voice was soft, and she couldn’t detect any sarcasm in his tone. It sounded as if he really wanted to know.
“I hired you to do a job, and I owed you payment for it,” she said stiffly. “That’s why.” She would die before she let him know about her secret hopes.
“You could have mailed it.”
“I didn’t know if you were still using this office. I wanted to make sure you got it.” It sounded lame, but she raised her chin and stared at him, daring him to contradict her.
“You know where I live. Why didn’t you mail it to my house?” As he began to move from behind the table he stepped into the shadows, shielding his face. “I would have gotten it there.”
“I wanted to be sure,” she repeated stubbornly, and when he didn’t answer she took one last look at him and turned to leave again.
“Julia, wait.”
“I have to go, Luke.” She spoke without turning to look at him. This was a mistake. She never should have allowed herself the indulgence of seeing him again, the futile exercise in hope. She felt as if someone had reached out and ripped off the scab that had been slowly forming over her heart, leaving it raw and bleeding again.
She heard him move behind her, and then he was standing between her and the door. Watching her with an unreadable expression on his face, he said, “Why didn’t you wait for me the other night? I told you I would take you home.”
It was the last thing she’d expected him to say. Staring at him, speechless, she finally managed to reply, “I thought you were long gone. I hadn’t seen you, and I’d been waiting in that horrible little room forever. When Bobby came to get me, I just assumed that you weren’t there.”
“I was there,” he said grimly. “I couldn’t leave until I’d heard everything that Eddie had to say, even though it made me ill.” Jamming his hands into his pockets, he looked away. “He’d been making deals with the Demons on the side almost the whole time we were partners. That bust that had fallen apart the night my wife was killed? That was his doing. When he found out I was going to be there, he called it off. He was afraid that we might grab someone too high up in the Demons’ power structure, and then his little scheme would be over.”
His voice was bitter, and impulsively she dropped her briefcase and reached out for him. “I’m so sorry, Luke.” She touched his arm. “I know how you must feel.”
He looked down at her hand on his arm, then back up at her. Slowly he took her hand in his, and held it lightly. Pain mixed with tenderness washed over his face. “Yeah, I guess you do. You’ve had a rough few days.”
“At least Bobby is freely cooperating with the investigation and has given back every penny of the money. He was only involved for the past few months. If he’s lucky, he won’t go on trial. Maybe he’ll even be able to stay on the police force. You had to find out that what Eddie did was even worse than you’d thought.” Turning her hand in his, she gripped his fingers, trying to take away some of his pain.
For a moment, he clung to her as if he never wanted to let go, then he dropped her hand and moved away. Flinging himself onto the couch, he said, “The captain didn’t give me many of the details, just that Bobby was cooperating. What happened?”
She walked over and sat down on the couch next to him. “He’d been at the precinct only for a few months when Eddie approached him. The seven of them had decided they needed someone in uniform on their side, and since Bobby was the rookie, they tried to suck him in.”
She looked away from him as she continued, “Bobby has always acted before he thought. He claims that before he knew it he was in up to his neck. He wanted to go to the captain, but was afraid he might be involved, too. That night we had dinner together he intended to tell me, but he didn’t trust you. Then I disappeared and he couldn’t find me. So he continued to go along with them.” She raised her head and looked at Luke, suddenly wanting to tell him what she hadn’t confided to another soul.
“He said he never meant to get involved and just didn’t know how to refuse, but what if that’s not true?” She could hear the agony in her voice. “What if he joined Eddie and the others willingly, or even eagerly? I’m afraid that he might have spoken up so quickly only because he’d been caught.”
He slowly sat up. “Maybe that is what happened, Julia.” Luke’s voice was infinitely gentle. “But he did the right thing in the end. Doesn’t that make it all right?”
“No,” she cried. “No, it doesn’t make it all right. Why didn’t he tell Eddie to get lost right away? Why didn’t he go to the captain the minute Eddie spoke to him? I can’t bear the thought that Bobby was involved, even if it was unwillingly.”
“He’s not a perfect man, Julia. But then none of us are.” He closed his eyes for a heartbeat as a shadow flickered across his face, then opened them again and looked at her. “Maybe he’s stronger now that he’s seen how easy it is to get sucked in. Maybe this has been a wake-up call for him.” He watched her for a moment, then reached out to touch her face. “Consider Bobby a lucky man. Not everyone gets a second chance in life.”
It was now or never. Julia took a deep breath. “What about you, Luke? Do you get a second chance?” Do we? she ached to ask.
“I already did, but I was too thickheaded to recognize it.” His voice was flat and devoid of emotion. “I don’t deserve a third.”
Hope began to grow in her heart, a tiny blossom still tightly furled, but there nonetheless. Looking down at the briefcase that stood on the floor, she said, “Have you seen the newspapers the last few days? Some of the reporters have gotten hold of what happened two years ago, and there’s been a public outcry for your reinstatement.”
“I know,” he said. “The superintendent called yesterday and asked me to rejoin the force.”
“And what was your answer?” she asked, holding her breath.
“I accepted, of course. It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.”
She let out the breath she’d been holding. “Thank God. I was afraid you might be too stubborn and proud to go back.”
He watched her with unreadable eyes. “I’ve learned that stubbornness and pride can have a very high price.”
Her heart leapt in her chest, but she fumbled in her briefcase. She had to get through what she’d come to say. “I’ve reopened your case and asked that your file be reviewed. After everything that’s happened it’s just a
formality, but I don’t want any blemishes on your record. As the investigating officer, I’m going to recommend that the order to dismiss you be rescinded.”
She felt him stiffen beside her. “Why did you do that, Julia?” he asked after a long moment.
She turned her head and saw him watching her closely, uncertainty in his eyes. “There are several reasons, Luke. I should have told you the first one long ago.” She took a deep breath and bit her lip. “Your investigation was fixed. You know the drunk driver was the son of an alderman. Word came down from higher up that you were to be convicted and thrown off the police force. I tried to tell myself that you deserved it, that you had been brutal, but it really didn’t matter what I thought. Your case had already been decided.”
“Why are you telling me this now?”
She couldn’t read the expression in his eyes, and she looked away. “Because I was wrong to go along with my superiors, and I’m ashamed of what I did. I’ve always tried to justify it to myself by saying that you were wrong and deserved your punishment, but I knew, deep down, that you didn’t. I don’t want there to be any more lies between us.”
“Your superiors aren’t going to be happy with you, Julia, if you go around saying that they fixed my case. You could lose your job,” he said carefully.
“It doesn’t matter,” she cried passionately. “Don’t you understand? I should have spoken up two years ago. I shouldn’t have allowed them to use me to punish you. I told myself that you were wrong and I was right, but I think I was just appeasing my conscience. The whole city thinks of you as a hero right now, but in the back of their minds you’re still the cop that got fired for brutality. I have to make sure they know the truth.”
He closed his eyes and said, “It doesn’t matter anymore, Julia. Like you said more than once, it’s over and done with.”
“No, Luke, it’s not. The fact that I allowed myself to be pressured when I investigated you is just one of the reasons I’m reopening your case.”
“You don’t have anything to feel guilty about, Julia. You did what you had to do.”
“Maybe I did and maybe I didn’t. But I learned a few things during the past week. I learned that not everything is black-and-white,” she answered honestly. “The way you handled Piotyr was a good lesson. You could have had him arrested, too, and you would have been perfectly justified if you had. He’s a juvenile, he was carrying an unregistered weapon and he was working for the Demons. Most people would have arrested him, in fact.”
Luke shrugged. “He’s basically a good kid. And I think he’s scared enough that he won’t step off that narrow path again.”
Julia shook her head. “He won’t. We talked a lot while I was driving him home. He knows just how much trouble he could have been in, and he knows who’s responsible for getting him out of it.” She smiled. “He says he wants to be a police officer when he grows up.”
He jumped up and paced around the room. “There are so many kids that could go either way. You see them on the street all the time. And all it takes is one little push in either direction. Sometimes you’re lucky and you’re in the right place at the right time to provide that push.”
He stopped and looked at her. “That’s what it was like with your brother Bobby, wasn’t it?”
Shocked, she could only stare at him. “How did you know that?” she finally whispered.
His mouth twisted up in a grim smile. “I began to wonder why you just assumed that Bobby was guilty. And you did, or otherwise you would have told me about him. I still have a few friends in the department, so I managed to get hold of his juvenile record. It seems that Bobby Carleton had a few brushes with the law as a teenager. Nothing serious, but it could have escalated into that. And it was usually his big sister who pulled his chestnuts out of the fire.” His face softened. “You felt responsible for him, didn’t you? You were afraid that you’d steered him into police work and it was your fault that he’d gone bad.”
Focusing on the briefcase, she tried to blink away the stinging in the back of her eyes. “I was so scared, Luke,” she whispered. “I love him so much, and I was afraid that it was my fault.” She looked up at him, swallowing the lump in her throat and feeling it burn down into her chest. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I wanted to, but I just couldn’t. I kept telling myself that it was a coincidence, that he wasn’t really involved, that once Eddie and the others were arrested everything would be fine. I told myself that you didn’t know Bobby like I did, that you wouldn’t understand that it was a coincidence.”
“I would have gone after him like all the others.”
She nodded slowly. “Like you should have. Like I should have.” Sighing, she said, “I should have taken myself off the case when I realized that Bobby might be involved, but I couldn’t do that, either.” Taking a deep, shaky breath, she added, “And that’s the other reason I recommended that you be reinstated. I understand now that emotions cloud what you do and affect your judgment. If a drunk had killed you, I might have done the same thing. Considering what had just happened when you beat that man, a suspension would have been a more just punishment. And if the drunk hadn’t been politically connected, that’s what would have happened.”
“You would have been wrong.”
She looked up at him, shocked. He stood over near one of the boarded-up windows, his back to her. “What do you mean?”
“I mean you were right that day at the hearing. Cops are held to a higher standard. The fact that he had just killed my wife was no excuse. Because I was a police officer, I had an obligation to handle myself according to department regulations. You did the right thing.”
“Why do you insist on punishing yourself over and over for what happened, Luke?” she cried. “You’ve already paid the price.”
“I’m not punishing myself again. If you’d asked me this four days ago, my answer would have been completely different. But Eddie said a lot to me in that warehouse. He said that anyone would have jumped at the chance to make some money and put away the low-level dealers. That’s when I realized that police officers are held to a higher standard, that we are more responsible than the rest of the citizens. That’s when I realized that what I did that night was wrong.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore. You’ve paid the price, and I’m going to make sure that your record is cleared.”
“Why, Julia? Why are you doing this?” He turned around and faced her, his eyes intense.
“Because it’s the right thing to do, Luke. Because it should have been done a long time ago. Because I know I was wrong.”
“Does this have anything to do with what happened between us?”
It felt as if he’d taken a knife to her soul and sliced it open. “If you’re asking if I’m reopening your case because we slept together, the answer is no.”
“I didn’t mean it like that, Julia.”
“Then how did you mean it?” she cried, her heart crumbling to pieces inside her chest. “I love you, dammit. Don’t you dare cheapen what happened between us by implying that I was simply overcome by sex.”
She bent down and fumbled in her briefcase for a tissue. As she was blowing her nose she felt his hand on her arm, pulling her up to stand in front of him.
“I wasn’t implying anything of the sort.” He reached out to touch her face but stopped at the last moment. “Did you mean what you just said?”
“Yes, I love you.” So what if she humiliated herself? she thought fiercely. She wasn’t about to deny what she felt.
“How can you, after the way I treated you?” he whispered, his hands tightening on her shoulders.
“I hurt you,” she said honestly. “Even though I loved you, I didn’t trust you with the information about Bobby. You had a right to not trust me.”
“It looks like neither one of us was very good at trusting.”
Slowly she shook her head. “We were both afraid. But I’m not afraid anymore, Luke, because I realized that without you I’m not whole. That�
�s why I came here today.” She reached up and pushed a lock of hair off his forehead. “Remember those second chances we were talking about earlier? They don’t come along too often. I’m willing to grab for this one. Are you?”
He pulled her into his arms and held her tightly. “Oh, Julia. I love you so much.” He leaned away from her, cradling her face in his hands. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”
She gave him a shaky smile. “That’s funny, I was just asking myself the same thing about you.”
“I would have come after you, you know. I wouldn’t have given up until you forgave me and admitted that you loved me, too.”
“You wouldn’t have had to work very hard. I’ll admit that anytime. I love you, Luke. I think I’ve been a little bit in love with you for the past two years.”
“Is that so?” he murmured into her ear as his hand caressed down her back. “That’s quite a coincidence, because ever since I met you I’ve been seeing a lot of this wild red hair of yours in my dreams.” He wove his other hand through the springy curls. “It irritated the hell out of me, too. I wanted to hate you, I really did, but all I could think about was what was under those trim little business suits of yours.”
“I hope your curiosity is satisfied,” she whispered, pressing closer to him.
“I don’t think it ever will be.” He kissed her, a long, lingering caress that made her ache for him. “Now that I know the person who lives inside this gorgeous body of yours, I’ll never get tired of discovering new parts of you.”
“Luke?” She had to be sure. Leaning back, she put her hands on his shoulders and stared at him intently. “Are you sure you can forgive me that easily? What I did was wrong, and it was dangerous, too. You could have been hurt because of Bobby.”
As he watched her his lips curved into a tender smile. “You’re not the only one who’s been doing a lot of thinking the past few days, Julia. You would have told me before it got to that point.”
She drew in a shaky breath. “Are you sure it’s that easy, Luke? How can you know that?”
An Honorable Man Page 25