by Ron Foster
It was decided that Karen and Julie were in charge of delivering to David when they could where and what the little brat was up to or where Bertha had sent her off to so he wouldn’t be so jumpy. That particular plan worked about two days until Rossi figured out exactly what was going on and Bertha said she was in X Y Z place and there she was standing right in front of them. And David’s outraged, shaken response one day when at an elf-eared nymph appeared out from behind the outhouse when Julie had said she was down at the boat landing helping Clem clean some fish just wasn’t the case.
“It don’t matter what all the sudden breaks a branch or rustles in the woods before giving me a thought to be on my guard and I dismiss it and just think its Rossi a sneaking and peeking before I realize she normally never makes those noises and I get all paranoid and jittery and aiming my rifle in that direction.” Perkins said no longer having a brief respite from exploring this new campground that might be filled with dangers or might not and setting everyone else back on edge.
“So much for this canteen break, hey I got an idea! Why don’t we just go down to the restrooms and showers shown on that brochure we found for this place at the reception center and set up our own reception if it looks clear and we don’t smell no wood smoke and do my car honking routine?” David said with a grin.
“What are you talking about doing David?” Bohanson said with some reservation about breaking noise suppression.
“Pretty simple actually you old ground pounder, there are buildings there for cover and pavilions and outdoor grills and such for cover so I volunteer to let you all get in position and I will ring the doorbell on this place and see if anyone thinks about coming for a visit. I will park next to something like a big barbeque pit for cover if needed and do my horn honking thing and be a wayward traveler in need of human companionship and foolishness. You all keep watch and suppress some asshole from shooting my head off and we can see if we got any friendlies or enemies here abouts. Bohanson get that old Lee Enfield .303 of mine and do anti sniper duty, Perkins I ain`t never had a single shot shotgun for a gunner to help me out but cover whatever trail leads up to my position. Teach, you old pirate, you point that AR 15 of yours to lay down covering fire for everyone where it might be needed and we declare Custer’s last stand if necessary?” David said in one of his I don’t give a shit let the chips fall where they lay moments,
“Sounds seriously F`ed up if you ask me but I am game.” Bohanson said and the “What the hell? Jump out the door” Airborne we all gonna die someday moment was agreed upon.
After their short break and more detailed conversation, they hesitantly headed out, but with more cheer than they had before to their new objective of clearing the restrooms and surrounding campsite areas.
“Ok Perkins, you pull the door to the men’s room open a crack standing on the far side behind the cinder block and I will stay low and level my master blaster shotgun around the edge, Stay clear and I will open the door myself further and go have a bit of a look see inside, then we will go clear the ladies room. “ David said before Perkins said we ought to go do the ladies room first.
“What for? Not that it matters but the whole thing needs clearing but I am all right with that.” David said pondering and getting into what he called the zone.
Well the way I see it be it male or female, which shitter would you be most likely be using in these days and times? Normally the cleaner facilities are on that side but on the other hand depending on who was here before the water got shut off it won’t matter, it is just a gut instinct to check that one first,” Perkins offered.
“I learned a long time ago never to second guess a man or woman’s instinct if it didn’t matter or had some logic in back of it. Let’s see, are women’s and men’s bathrooms normally on the right or the left? Yea, they are although that is easy to forget or folks make changes according to the most protected or observed areas in an establishment. I say that the men’s is on the right and the women’s is on the left and the way we are coming on to the place says that is the first door we will come to. The woman’s that is. Ok that is the game plan and Bohanson can cover the men’s door until we get there and Teach can cover the back and sides.” David said wondering if the Army had any training for this.
“”You just about ready there Fresno?” David said as they parked the van and eased up on what they hoped was an abandoned shower house.
“Yea man I am but I wish you would quit with your nicknames for people or projects that don’t apply, I am never sure if your talking to me or not.” Perkins said getting ready to open the door a foot or so for David to do his mad dash to entry eventually.
“Ah hell you know I don’t mean anything by it, I call everyone Fresno upon occasion. Now ease that damn door open slowly, no telling if it’s going to squeak like hell.” David said getting down in position.
Perkins pulled on the big stainless steel door handle and David took several quick cautious peeks inside leveling his shotgun barrel towards the interior of the porcelain abode scaring himself with the conception that someone could be also watching him in the mirror that set over the makeup station of this ladies boudoir amenity. His own glances into the reflection didn’t do anymore than support his distaste for the choice of paint where women folks thought the colors of coral, fuchsia and pink were a realm of their own. Nothing, no signs ,no signals no glints of humans moving in the dim light of a pebbled glass window, time to Rock and Roll , David said beginning to stand and enter before instantly sitting back down. A questioning and concerned glance came from Perkins as David pointed towards his nose.
What the hell was David trying to point out? We knew the place might smell pretty funky because there was no water and some camper might have left his or her business floating in the bowl but David seemed to be concerned about something. Oh yea, this shit smelled fresh, what the hell?” Perkins thought tensing
“Hey is anybody in there?! We don’t mean you no harm and we don’t want any of your goods. Holler out if you’re present! David said wishing he could tell Perkins to close the door to that funky somewhat garlicky smell wafting out the door in a blue miasma.
Silence. Nothing said. “Hey if you’re in here, we can smell you, SERIOUSLY! Madam, Sir, whatever, if you are in here holler out.” David said as Perkins and the rest of the crew heard David bellowing into the echoing tile edifice.
“I’m in here! Can I finish first before you blow me away?” Came a bull like mans grunt from what David assumed was the back stalls of the public restrooms.
“Take all the time that you want! Smells like you need too!” David said chuckling and telling Perkins to close the door and the two grinned at each other while David waved the calm down sign at the rest of the motley crew waiting to hear what the hell while waiting for the man in what appeared to be the ladies room finished his business.
“Won’t be long will it?” Perkins hollered out.
“What? You writing a book or something! It ain`t like you got an hourglass to hang on the thing! Hold on a second!” The voice called out as Perkins grumbled something about hurrying up anyway.
Hot Damn! I am going as fast as I can! OK how do you want to do this? You got me caught with my proverbial trousers down on what I thought was supposed to be the throne of privacy and contemplation. Let’s start with what’s your name and what it is you want by disturbing me? The sound of a grizzled old man called out.
“I don’t want a damn thing except for you to quit stinking up that bathroom and come on out here for a quick chat with your gun holstered or your hands up. You got any other friends in there with you besides Mr. Turd we should know about?” David said to which Perkins sniggered.
“Naw, nobody’s in here except me and my bowels. I got me a .44 magnum pistol that says you don’t want to come in though and maybe better off moving on.” the voice called back
“I got me a 12 gauge shotgun out here that says “I’ll fill you with more holes than a gopher field if you don’t come out ni
cely!” David hollered back.
“Buddy…. You give me a new reason to consider why I need this little bit of toilet paper I got left. Now if you’re hunting me for supplies, I tell you right now there ain`t nothing left that you would be interested in. I am down to three sheets of Charmin to alleviate myself and somebody has already picked over and taken the TP out of the other stalls. You all scared the hell out of me hollering in that door and I would a shit my britches if I hadn’t already been perched on this throne. So what have we got going on here next?” The croaking old voice called back.
“Well I would suggest you put that bear gun of a pistol you got down and come out here and smell the roses, it’s got to smell better out here. As for us. We’re just making the rounds and don’t mean you no harm. Now I’m gonna ask you again, anybody in there or anybody out here that we got to be worried about?” David said playfully enjoying this cat and mouse game of who didn’t appear to be a threat and giving a wave to lower their weapons to the crew as they waited for the soon-to-be known as the “skunk from Michigan” to exit.
“Naw, nobody here, nobody to worry yourselves about, just me. I know I got me a hard luck story to tell, how about ya’ll? Lets compare notes a bit before I move on” the voice called back.
“Well just come on out now then buddy and let’s do a meet and greet. My name’s David, this fellow next to me with the AK rifle that’s got your name on it if you level that pistol is called Perkins. Is it safe to open the door yet or did you do anything else!” David said with a chuckle in his voice alluding to the grayish air that had assailed his nostrils earlier.
I am ready to come out now! You all hold your fire and don’t be getting jumpy or squirrelly on me. ” the voice called back.
“Just keep your piece holstered and no problem. Lots of folks are toting plenty of guns nowadays, wouldn’t wont to infringe on your right to carry one unless you look threatening to me. You got a backup piece or a rifle in there that I need to know about?” David called back
“Aw hell you are going to spoil all my fun! Yea I got me a backup…what are you a federal cop, police or what?”
“None of the above my friend. This ‘ol country boy out here will give you a piece of deer jerky and a parlay if you behave and nobody will have to end up going to a non- existent hospital if we all behave” David said to Perkins who grabbed a hold of the large steel handle of the commercial door to gain entry again.
“I’m here! You see my hands? I’m walking out!” a big barrel-chested orange and tan checkerboard shirt wearing grumpy old fella with three months of scragggle on his face said with a bit of mirth in his eye as he rounded the corner from a gray doored toilet stall.
“Holy Hell! You ate something that was ruint didn’t you!” David said chuckling and pushing the door open while pretty much lowering his gun to ground level.” Come on down here and let’s see you better because I ain`t standing in this door no more!”
“Like your shit don’t stink young buck! I’m here, I’m not reaching for nothing so now what do you want after interrupting my private moment in life?” The voice called back
David didn’t know why it niggled the back of his mind, but the man saying private might of meant somebody else was around and started looking around again, causing his followers to do the same. Evidently the man must be a student of human nature because the man picked up on David’s wariness and assured him again that he was the only one present and said his name.
“Cletus Grim is my name. Pleasure to meet you,. I would shake hands with you but I don’t think you want me to do that at the moment!” Grim said with a malevolent but happy smile towards his new captor or friend he didn’t know which.
“Well Mr. Grim, that’s a fittin’ name for a fellow like you isn’t it? Get the rest the way out of that concrete outhouse and tell us the rest of your story. Perkins check and see what kind of hardware or friends he’s got in there if any. No offense man just being careful” David said as the rest of the crew decided to stand or spread out.
“You looking kind of trail worn yourself boy. What the hell’s got you way down here in this little campground for anyway? Been nice and quite around here for the past week, haven’t seen anyone else.” Cletus asked like he was still waiting on a customer or running his old seed n feed back in Ohio.
“Don’t you worry about me, what are you doing here? Ain`t been up to any mischief have you?” David replied gruffly and then smiled.
“Me? I am just passing through, been doing a little fishing and resting up before moving on.” Grimm said looking at the motley group of armed men eying him with interest but appearing friendly enough.
“Well I will tell you my story then, Everybody has their own different set of circumstances they found themselves in when the lights went out and they all have their own stories to tell but I guess you would say my existence and survival to date has sort of been like this.” Cletus Grim said before settling down on a concrete park bench to tell the rest of his story of trying to survive this disaster.
“It was back about the beginning of oh…the third or fourth day when the president announced the power might be out for months that it seemed to me more and more individuals were starting to be roaming around in the streets scavenging for anything they could find that would keep themselves and their families alive a bit longer. Most of the stores that did open their doors with armed guards were pretty much empty of goods even if you had the cash to buy anything that was left. Folks with food stamp cards were pretty much screwed now because when the power first went out nobody had thought of a way to take them pieces of plastic for a purchase, you cant check balances and a lot of fraud occurs daily and more exceptionally so after a disaster like a hurricane with them things so no store or government policy of any kind was in effect the first few days. By the time anybody did start taking them like they were money, pretty much anything you would want if you were lucky enough to find a place selling was already long gone. That was about the time the food riots went viral, folks would be shopping along picking up whatever was available and poof! A gang of youths would run in or everybody waiting to get in the store lost it or whatever and then it was loot and pillage time. Course after just one of those chaotic events the store was good for nothing to nobody no more. I was lucky and only got myself caught once in one of those melees and it happened in a good section of town where they had themselves a few private security guards posted but it was still chaotic, animalistic and flat out dangerous crazy. Only reason I went there at all was to top off some preps if I could like batteries or bic lighters and such plus I was looking for any kind of can goods I could lay my hands on. Should have thought of toilet paper also, kills me to be destroying my good library now for something to wipe with. Anyway, me and my partner managed to survive that little store fiasco and get out of the parking lot without a serious confrontation but lots of people were seriously hurt or worse in the beginning just trying to buy what little could be had back then.” Grim said taking a sip from his canteen.
“Mr. Grim I know what you mean. I have always found it a bit amazing and down right butt headed stupid how many folks don’t have the resiliency or preparedness to at least store for themselves 72 hours worth of something, hell anything to eat in their homes in case they can’t get to a store in normal circumstances let alone survive very long after a disaster. I remember a study I read from Adelphi University research center when I was playing college boy that related that 53% of all Americans do not have a three day supply of nonperishable food and water in their homes. It also said 55 percent of these sheeple believed that local authorities would come to their rescue if disaster struck also. FEMA and DHS are not about serving the needs and shortfalls of the American people; these agencies are now all about using police powers to preserve the status quo and continuity of government of the powers that be these days from what I hear.” David said taking a sip from his own beverage and waiting on the rest of the story.
Grim nodded his head contin
ued by saying “You didn’t see many cops showing up for nothing except maybe carry off some food for themselves as looting became widespread everywhere. The police are a big part of the problem now but I will get into that later. The seventh day or so was when desperate people started organizing into collectives (i.e. gangs) and in the poorer areas they began to go house to house looking for stored supplies from the half that had somewhat prepared like the elderly or people who were just known in the neighborhood to keep extra food around for like for the cook outs and block parties before the gangs ventured out into the “rich’ areas. Neighborhoods both rich and poor then soon began to organize and arm themselves into local vigilante groups for protection from local gangs who have now become even more desperate or gave way to being just plain super vicious entitlement minded thieves. This was the type of day during a disaster that many of the police walked off the job in New Orleans in order to protect their families if you remember and to a varying degree, the same was happening in my town and for all practical purposes most of the cops eventually just quit and went home. Groups of police could become the most dangerous groups in society now that they are teaming up with other cops for foraging and survival and applying their own laws and rules without centralized direction or oversight. In the days that followed, nobody can be trusted at all. There were people I heard about on the radio who would dress up in official looking uniforms (e.g. military, national guard, police etc) in order to gain entry into a fortified business being guarded or sometimes just to get into someone’s home to rob them of whatever food they had.” Grim said studying his audience before going on with his story.