Drew flinched like he’d been slapped. “I never said—”
“Just because you have a loving family and grew up with a rainbow spoon in your mouth doesn’t mean we all have the same options. Do you have any idea how much more difficult and fucked-up my life would be if I came out? Do you?” Josh’s voice was a harsh whisper that he barely kept checked.
Drew turned on his heel and started for the exit.
“Where are you going?” Josh wasn’t so quiet that time.
Drew whirled around, his fists clenched. “Home. I’m going home.”
“Fine. Run away. Better anyway.”
“Yeah, it is. See, Josh, what you fail to understand is that I never expected you to come out at work.” Drew’s voice was low, but several people looked their way.
Josh closed the distance and waved Drew to silence.
“Don’t shush me. You started this. Now you can damn well listen. If you would have asked me, I would have told you. But you didn’t. Once again you made assumptions. Hell, so did I, so I guess we’re even. That’s all we seem to do, is make assumptions about each other.”
“Drew—”
“No, don’t. I’m just a fuck, so it shouldn’t matter anyway. But in case you were wondering, Officer, I didn’t get upset because you’re closeted at work. It’s not ideal, but I would have been willing to work with you on it—”
“Okay, so what—”
“But calling me a little queer with derision in every syllable is too much. You didn’t have to go that far or be that insulting to stay in your closet and fit in… it sounds like that’s what you really think of me. I’ve already had that relationship, and I’m not going back. I may not be the catch most people would consider you to be, but I’m worth more than that.” Drew was out the door before Josh could blink.
Shaking off his stupor, he moved to follow Drew. No way this was done.
“Hey, Olive,” an officer called. “Sarge says you better get your ass back to headquarters. Guess he got wind of your scrap with Martin. He said you better hustle ’cuz he wants to go to lunch soon.”
Josh froze in his tracks. Dammit. Not now. He sprinted out the exit but didn’t see Drew anywhere. He groaned. Ah, fuck. What had he done?
JOSH HEADED toward the parking garage, wanting to bang his head against a wall. No, not his head. Martin’s. He’d like to teach that mean son of a bitch some manners. Not only had things gone south with Drew, but he was very likely going to end up on a shitty rotation again, with an official reprimand in his file. Shit. He wanted to scream.
He’d left several messages on Drew’s phone, even sent him a couple texts, but Drew hadn’t responded. Apparently things were done. Probably for the best. Sure, the sex had been fantastic, but Josh didn’t need the complications of a relationship.
What was so great about Drew anyway? So his smile lit up a room. So what? And his curiosity about absolutely everything was charming. Him and that stupid notebook of his. Maybe his compassionate responses to Josh’s tales of woe were also unexpected. And nice. And the guy was a total cuddler. He’d found that out last night, Drew’s body had draped over his at every opportunity. Josh definitely thrived on touch, though he hadn’t allowed anyone to do so in a long time. He’d thought Eric had ruined all that, but it turned out he loved Drew’s caresses.
Shit. He really liked the guy. So why had he pushed him away? He knew the answer. He was scared. Scared of getting attached. Scared of getting his heart broken again. Scared that Drew wasn’t all he seemed. And scared that Josh wasn’t good enough, with all his screwed-up baggage that needed a tractor trailer to haul it around. Drew was better off without him.
Only he really, really wanted a do-over. He would stop making assumptions. Or assume only the best. He’d… well, he didn’t know what he’d do, but he’d work on his shit.
When he was almost to his cruiser, he noticed Laura opening a trunk to a Lexus down the row. As soon as she saw him, her spine stiffened. When her eyes narrowed behind her ridiculously huge glasses, he almost smiled, the effect comical. The way she marched over with her suitcase trailing behind her was… less so.
A scowl on her face, she waggled a finger in his face. Well, at his chin at any rate. She really was a tiny woman. But the fierce way she acted, you’d think she was ten feet tall.
“You screwed up. Big-time, mister.”
“Where is he? Did he leave? I need to talk—”
“He doesn’t want to talk to you.” She crossed her arms over her chest. “He’s special. And you acted like he was garbage.”
“I know. I need to apologize. You’re right. I screwed up. But I want to make it right.”
“I don’t know if I believe you. Why should I?”
“Laura, right? Listen, I need to talk to him. I texted him, but he’s not returning my texts. Won’t answer when I call. I can’t leave things like this.” Josh pulled out his phone to emphasize his point. He gripped it so tight his knuckles whitened.
“Maybe you shouldn’t have called him ‘some little queer’ if you wanted him to pick up.”
“I said I made a mistake. What can I say to convince you I’m sorry?”
Laura huffed. “It’s not me you need to convince.”
“So, did he leave?”
“Oh yeah. Like he was being chased.”
Josh groaned. “He… left.” So that was that. If he wouldn’t pick up, there was nothing Josh could do. His shoulders slumped. Served him right. He groaned.
“So that’s it, then? You aren’t going to go after him?” Laura’s tone had gone ice-cold.
“Go after him?”
“It’s not like he lives on the moon. He’s in Greenbelt, for Pete’s sake. It’s like a forty-minute drive.”
“I can’t just show up on his doorstep.”
“Why not?”
“Because… I’m not a stalker.” Even to him that felt lame.
“Then I guess you had your night with him and can just move on.” Laura swung around, the wheels of her suitcase rolling over his foot.
“Wait!” He hurried after her and almost slammed into her when she rounded on him. She was smirking.
“Yes, Officer?”
“You wouldn’t happen to have his address?”
“You’re a cop. Figure it out.”
Chapter SEVEN
DREW’S PHONE buzzed. Again. He should block Josh’s number. The guy had sent him a ton of texts. Even tried to call. But what was the point? The thing Drew thought they’d had, they obviously didn’t. He sighed, threw his phone in his desk drawer before he was tempted to read Josh’s latest message. Apologies were great, but they didn’t change things.
He could have fallen for the guy so easily too. Josh had so much that Drew liked. He was honest, and—when he let his guard down—funny as hell. He was good with kids, and he’d been so concerned about his great-uncle. And Josh was going through a rough time. No family. Colleagues who made his life miserable.
Maybe he should answer him?
No, he’d been through this. He couldn’t be with someone again who made him feel worthless. Besides, even if Josh hadn’t meant what he’d said, it was still in Josh’s best interest not to be with Drew. Too many complications. It could never work. They’d been kidding themselves trying to make it about more than one night. But oh what a night. Drew sighed, then returned his attention to the computer screen.
His writer’s block was finally gone in a big way. He could barely contain the words. He’d already poured out over four thousand words in just over two hours. A couple more jags like this, and he might meet his deadline after all. He returned his focus to his keyboard and the next time he looked up, it was dark.
Was someone knocking on his door? He pulled out his earbuds, listened, but didn’t hear anything, the office air conditioner wheezing loud enough to block all but the most persistent sounds.
His stomach growled. Damn, he hadn’t eaten all day. He’d been so upset this morning at the conference he hadn�
�t thought to fuel up. His neck and back ached. He pushed himself to his feet, stretched. The popping noises in his back said he’d been sitting way too long. He’d wanted to go biking or play soccer down at Braden Field with some friends, but the muse had grabbed him by the throat and hadn’t let go. He was more than willing to follow her lead.
A knock at his door had him walking down the steps. Maybe Ian, his brother, was stopping by to see how the conference went. Ha! That was a joke. More likely to inform him how worried they were about him hanging out in “crime-ridden” Baltimore for the weekend. You’d think he was twelve, the way his family acted.
Another knock sounded.
“Keep your shirt on! I’m coming,” he called. He threw open the door, but instead of Ian, Josh rested against his doorframe. All big and gorgeous in a pair of dark cargo shorts and a black V-neck T-shirt that hugged his sizable biceps. Drew swung the door closed. He couldn’t do this. He leaned back against the door. Shit. He’d slammed the door in Josh’s face.
Another knock.
“Come on, Drew. Talk to me.”
Drew’s breath came out harsh and his thoughts scattered. What was Josh doing here? How’d he get his address? Well, he was a cop, so he probably had his ways. Why was he here? Did he even want to talk to Josh? Thinking back to what Josh said made him mad all over again. The guy deserved a piece of his mind.
He yanked the door open, intending to tell Josh to fuck off, but the moment they made eye contact, he was lost. Josh looked so contrite. Drew’s chin firmed. No. He didn’t get a pass because he was gorgeous and sad.
“What do you want?”
“To apologize. Please, just hear me out.”
Drew pursed his lips. “Go on. I’ve got a minute before I have to get back to writing.”
“You’re writing again? That’s great.” He smiled at Drew, genuine pleasure lighting up his face.
Oh, hell, he really was lost.
“I guess my muse likes me miserable.”
The smile slid away.
“Can we go inside and talk?”
Drew wasn’t about to let Josh inside. Not his house. Definitely not his heart.
“You can say what you wanna say out here.”
Josh’s jaw clenched, and Drew could swear he heard his teeth grinding. Well, too bad. Drew wasn’t anyone’s pushover. Not anymore. Josh closed his eyes, took a deep breath, let it out slowly. Repeated the exercise a couple times.
“That something you learned in your martial arts training?”
“Yes. Most of the time it works. Sometimes it doesn’t.” Josh’s lips quirked in a self-deprecating smile. “I’m being written up for manhandling Martin.”
“You can’t be serious. That guy grabbed you first.”
“It’s not the story Martin and the others are telling.”
Drew felt an angry flush wash through him. “Those lying pricks. They’re police officers! They can’t… well, damn. I’ll call the department and give an eyewitness statement. Somebody needs to hold these assholes accountable.”
Josh chuckled. “You are amazing. You know that, right? You’re pissed at me, and here you’re getting ready to go into battle to defend my honor.”
Drew frowned. “Well, they shouldn’t lie.”
“I don’t even care. They’ll get enough to fire me before too long one way or the other. I’ve already been demoted from detective.”
“You were a detective? You never said.”
Josh shrugged. “It’s not something I like to brag about. Yeah, I was on Vice. Before Eric, my career was skyrocketing, but now I’m on traffic. How the mighty have fallen.”
“I’m sorry. That’s awful. You don’t deserve that.”
“No. I’m sorry, Drew. You’ve been nicer to me than anyone has in a long, long time. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just—”
“Don’t want anyone to know you’re gay. Got it. Loud and clear.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Really? Then how is it? Because it looks to me like you’re so far in the closet you could reach Narnia, and I gotta tell you, I’m not willing to go to some fantasy land with you.”
Josh snorted. “Says the writer.”
“This was a mistake. I gotta get back to the keyboard. I’ll call the department so they’ll have a true account of what happened. Thanks for stopping by.” Drew turned to shut the door.
Josh’s hand braced the door open.
“So that’s it, then? Last night didn’t mean anything to you?”
Drew knew angry color infused his skin. He couldn’t hide a thing. “Yeah, it did. But I’m not gonna be just ‘some little queer’ to the guy I’m dating.”
“You’re not! I swear it. I’ve said I’m sorry. It won’t happen again. I promise.”
“I hear loads of promises. But how do I know that? You going to take me out in public, huh? I already went down the dirty little secret road, and you know what? It sucked. I got my heart handed to me on a platter. I can’t help it if you’re ashamed of being gay. But I’m not. So I don’t see what we possibly have to talk about.”
“What would you have me do? Come out to my department?”
“Are you listening to me? No. I don’t need you to come out at work. I just need someone who will not be ashamed of being seen with me. Of being with me.”
“I’m not ashamed—”
“You are. Or you wouldn’t have called me that.”
“Drew, I… I know this isn’t an excuse, but I was only trying to protect myself. I didn’t think about how it would make you feel. Please give me another chance. I can’t tell you that I’m going to be loud and proud like you, but I definitely would like us to try dating. In any situation, except my job, I’d be proud to be seen with you.”
“You serious? Because I don’t want to have you talk your way back into my life if you’re not going to follow through. When Brian dumped me, it hurt. But being dumped wasn’t the worst of it. I let him treat me poorly. He hid everything. I wasn’t allowed to bring my friends around, tell my family about him, or anything else. If we saw someone we knew in a public place, he’d step away like we weren’t together. He made me feel small, Josh, and when you did that, you made me feel small too.”
“Drew, I’m so, so sorry. I really didn’t mean to make you feel that way. To me, you’re the opposite. Larger than life. And I get that I’ve made some mistakes. I keep making assumptions. I can’t promise I won’t ever read the situation wrong again, but I’ll try to do better.” Josh looked up from underneath his lashes, and Drew could feel his resistance melting away. But he’d been fooled before.
“My ex said the same thing. He’d try. Funny that. It never happened.”
“I don’t think it’s fair to judge me by your ex. I can’t help what he did to you. I can only say I’ll try my best.”
“If we do this, I want to go out in public with you.”
“Of course. I won’t hide you, bem. I just don’t want to shout my personal life from the rooftops.”
“No explicit T-shirts for you, huh?”
Josh chuckled. “Um, I don’t think I’m ready for that. Maybe some Chucks like yours. Someday.” He pointed to Drew’s rainbow Converse.
Drew couldn’t help it. He smiled. “Yeah, okay, de Oliveira, you’re provisionally forgiven.”
Josh pulled Drew into his arms and slammed their mouths together. All the frustrations, hurt, and anger between them ignited something in Drew. He bit Josh’s lip and when Josh moaned, Drew swept his tongue inside to taste. Feeling like he’d been wandering the desert for days and Josh was a tall drink of water, he savored every touch, every taste.
“Hey, get a room,” a familiar voice called.
Crap.
Josh pulled away like he’d been burned. Great. Just great. So much for making a valiant effort.
“Assmunch, can’t you see I’m busy?” Drew said.
His brother didn’t seem the least bit offended. In fact, he smiled. “Drew, introduce me to your f
riend.” He stepped forward and held his hand out to Josh. “I’m Ian Nolan. You’re locking lips with my little brother, so I hope you’re serious about him, or you and I have a problem.”
Josh’s expression was priceless. “Cornered animal” came to mind. Drew put on his best neutral face.
“Don’t mind him, Josh. He’s an overprotective douche. Besides, you could take him.” Drew heard the flatness of his own voice, and his chest felt squeezed. This was a mistake.
Josh shot him a concerned look, gripped Ian’s hand. “I’m Officer Josh de Oliveira. Nice to meet you.” They did the whole alpha male hand squeezing that Drew found so annoying.
Then Ian cracked a smile. “Did you say officer? As in ‘cop’? Jesus, Joseph, and Mary, is my brother dating a cop?” He dropped Josh’s hand and whirled on Drew. “You? You’re dating a cop?” A booming laugh spilled from his lips, and he gripped his sides.
Drew frowned at him. Dick. “What’s so funny about me dating a cop? And who says we’re dating?”
Ian cracked up all the harder. Looked like the jerk was going to hyperventilate. It would serve him right. Drew huffed, but it didn’t make any impression on his brother at all.
Drew scowled. “Come on, let’s go inside. He can take himself off somewhere else.”
“No, wait!” Ian wiped tears from his cheeks. “I stopped by to see how the conference was, but I see it was… productive.”
“Yep, now you’ve seen. You can tell Mom and Dad I’m fine. Wasn’t murdered in Baltimore.”
Josh looked between the two of them, his head swiveling like he was watching a tennis match. “You don’t look alike. Other than the red hair.”
“He looks like my dad. Thank God, I take after our mom.” It was true. His brother was even taller than Josh and built like a brick shithouse. Drew wasn’t small by any means, but you couldn’t see Ian without thinking of Irish bears. It was apt, Drew admitted.
“Anyway, thanks for stopping by, Ian. Give Mom and Dad my best. I don’t suppose you’ll keep your big mouth shut about Josh, but they can give me the third degree some other evening.”
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