“Don’t blame Josh for that. If you and Dad want me to talk to you, then you have to accept my decisions. Even when you don’t like them. I should have said this a long time ago, but I’ve felt guilty for everything I’ve put you through.”
“You didn’t put us through anything, sweetheart. It was that Brian.” His mom’s voice came out as a growl.
“I appreciate the support, Mom. Brian was a jerk, but I made the decision to drink that night. That wasn’t him. That was me. Then I let you pick me up, dust me off, and wrap me up tight.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing. That’s what families do, Drew. We take care of one another.”
“I know. And I’m grateful for everything you and Dad did. You helped me through a really tough time.” Drew turned back to his meal, needing to gather his thoughts. After a few minutes, his mom huffed.
“Say what you need to say, sweetheart. I’m listening.”
He put down his fork. “I want you to stop smothering me. I want you to treat me like an adult. I want you to accept my choices, even when you think they’re the wrong ones. I know it will be hard. I know it will take time. We’ll both have to adjust. But I do want you and Dad in my life. I want to be able to talk to you about things without you always fussing over what I’m doing wrong and how I’m going to get hurt.”
“That’s easier said than done.” She clasped his hand like a lifeline, a tear rolling down her cheek. “What if—”
“Mom, things can always go wrong. I can’t promise you I won’t get hurt again. I’m sure I will at some point.” He used his free hand to wipe away the tear. “But I can promise you I won’t react the same way I did with Brian. I’m good. I need you to believe it. Or at least fake it until you can see that I really can take care of myself.”
His hand was going numb from her grip.
“W-we can try, sweetheart. That’s all I can promise.”
“That’s all I’m asking. And please, please, please don’t try to scare Josh away. I really like him. He’s an amazing guy, and I think we’ve got a good thing together. And regardless of what you think, he seems to like me too.”
“Pshaw, of course he likes you. He’s lucky to be with a Nolan. We’re keepers. All of us.”
“Well, the way you spoke before—”
“I just didn’t want you to get hurt. Not everyone appreciates a diamond when they have one.”
“So you like him?”
“And if I said no?” His mom quirked an eyebrow, the sparkle back in her eye.
“I’d say I’m sorry you feel that way and keep seeing him. He’s amazing, Mom.”
“He seems… okay.” She winked. “Ian likes him a lot. Even though he beats him at soccer.”
“Yeah, it’s really something to see. I think that was when I knew he was the guy for me.” They both laughed. For once he didn’t feel like the little kid being humored.
“Love you, Mom.”
She came around the counter and gave him a hug that forced all the breath from his body. “Love you too.”
Chapter TWELVE
“COME IN,” Drew yelled down the steps. He finished typing a sentence and saved his latest work in progress. Six forty-three p.m. Where had the day gone? Heck, where had the last three months gone?
Three months of dating Josh.
Three months of falling for the guy.
Josh was so sweet. Especially with his family. He also didn’t seem to have trouble setting limits with them, which Drew was trying to emulate. Kind, but firm. They were slowly coming around, but it was a process.
Josh was also so strong. He put up with shit every day on the job that would have made Drew cry. You’d think he’d get enough of it patrolling the streets, but no, he had to get it from that asshole in his unit too.
And he made Drew feel valued. He did little things, like made sure the fridge always had a bottle of sriracha since Drew had a thing for it. Or like massaging Drew’s hands at the end of a long day of writing. Or when Josh bought him a “I Can’t Even Think Straight” T-shirt to add to his collection. Brian had been too busy hiding his sexuality to ever consider anything Drew might like, much less care about it. But Josh did.
Neither had said too much about their feelings yet, but Drew felt confident he wasn’t the only one who was falling over the cliff. Yep, he had it bad. And he’d never been happier.
Or more productive.
Not only had he finished and submitted his latest novel, but he was 65,000 words into his next one. Talk about a creative period. But then again, Josh had a way of firing up his creative juices. Hell, maybe he should start writing romance. The guy sure turned him in to a big enough sap. And he was pretty sure he could come up with some descriptive positions.
“You up there, bem?” Josh called back. “Finish up, Mr. Famous Author, and let’s go get something to eat. I’m starved.”
Drew hurried downstairs. When he saw Josh, he froze. Josh had a big shiner and a fat lip. “What happened?” Drew went straight to his fridge and grabbed a bag of frozen peas and a couple beers. He rushed back. “Here, put this on your eye.”
“Nah, it’s okay. Looks worse than it feels.”
Drew sighed. Big macho cop. “Sit down and put it on.”
“So bossy.” Josh smiled, but ruined the effect by grimacing. He sank onto the couch, looking tired.
“You going to tell me what happened?” Drew popped the tops off the beers, then handed Josh one. He sank down next to Josh, taking the bag of peas off Josh’s eye to check it out, then reapplied the bag to it.
“Thanks. Need this.” Josh took a big swallow, then held the beer in front of his face. “You really like the Natty Boh, huh?”
“It reminds me of you. Sue me.”
“Not my job, but I’m pretty good with the cuffs.”
Drew shook his head. “Talk about bad porno lines. But seriously, Joao, was it Martin? If that douche rocket did that, I hope you put him on his ass.”
Josh sighed, placed his hand on Drew’s thigh. “Yeah, it was Martin. Not directly, though.”
“What happened?”
“I was called to a domestic. It seemed to involve half a neighborhood worth of people, all crammed in this tiny house in Cherry Hill. In that area we generally double up, except conveniently I wasn’t scheduled with a partner. I called for backup, but things were getting pretty intense, so I went in. I managed to get most of it under control before the mother of one of the fighters clocked me. It was a cluster.”
“But they showed up, right?”
“Eventually. By the time Martin showed with Garcia, I’d pretty much had everything under control. Thing is, they were nearby. Should’ve been there before I even went in.”
“Seriously?”
“Oh yeah. Garcia had the good grace to look royally pissed off, but the fucker couldn’t even look me in the eye. If he’d just speak up, this would all be over.”
“You report it?” Drew gnawed on his lower lip. What if that sorry son of a bitch got Josh killed? Blood thundered through his temples, but he kept his thoughts to himself. He didn’t need to add to Josh’s day by blowing up too.
“Yeah. I’m getting tired of reporting him and having nothing done. God, I hate bureaucracy.” Josh took another swallow of his beer, his knuckles white around the bottle. “I don’t know how long I can keep doing this. Martin’s going to get me killed.”
“I can’t believe he’s doing all this over a crooked cop.”
“Eric wasn’t just anyone. He’d been on the force a long time, had a lot of friends. Including my sergeant. They blame me for his death.”
“Wait, he’s dead?” Drew hadn’t heard that. He was sure he’d remember that little detail.
Josh groaned, his shoulders slumping. “He was stabbed in prison. Inmates don’t like cops. Crooked or not. He should have been placed in solitary or at least in protective custody, but it didn’t happen. He was tossed in with the general population.”
“You know you’re
not to blame for it, right?” Drew clasped Josh’s free hand.
“I know, but it still sucks.” He let go of Drew’s hand and removed the bag of peas from his eye.
DREW GAVE Josh a soft kiss. “What do you need from me?”
“Just what you’re doing, bem.” God, he was exhausted. “I don’t know what to do. No law enforcement agency in the greater Baltimore/DC Metro will touch me with a ten-foot pole. My sergeant made sure of it.” Josh could tell his voice was filled with anguish, but he was tired of hiding it. Drew wouldn’t judge him. Wouldn’t expect him to be strong. He’d learned a lot in these last months. He just wished he’d confided in him sooner. But he hadn’t been ready.
“Josh—”
“You know the worst thing? I don’t even know if I ever truly wanted to be a cop.”
“What do you mean?” Drew slid his hand to the nape of Josh’s neck and squeezed gently, digging his fingers into the tense muscles. The massage made him groan and lose the thread of the conversation for a moment.
“That’s all my pai ever wanted for me. And I’ve wanted to make my dad happy for as long as I can remember. So, I can’t even say I chose it, because I’ve always known I would be one. Like it matters now. I don’t even have a dad anymore.” Josh winced.
“Well, you have me. I’m not going anywhere.”
“But I might. That is, if I want to stay in law enforcement. I’ll have to move out of state.”
“Move out of state?” Drew frowned, but he quickly schooled his features. “Is it what you want to do?”
Josh downed the rest of his beer, then placed the empty bottle on the coffee table. He reached for Drew’s untouched beer but pulled his hand back and scrubbed it over his cheek instead.
“I don’t know what I want anymore. I mean, I became a police officer to uphold the laws, not break them. Most cops I know care about those things too. But Martin made something I took pride in a misery.”
Drew removed the bag of peas from Josh’s hand and tossed them onto the coffee table, then gently ran a finger down his cheek. Josh leaned into him, drawing on his strength.
“Hey, hey, we’ll figure this out. I promise,” Drew said.
“I don’t want to leave you. You’re the only good thing in my life. You and your crazy family.”
“If it’s what you need to do, we can make it work.” Drew tipped Josh’s chin up, pressed their lips together gently. “You make me so happy.”
“You make me happy too, bem.” Josh exhaled, his hands shaking. “No, I need to face facts: I don’t want to do this anymore. The only reason I didn’t quit is because then Martin wins. Tonight showed me that he’s willing to go a lot further than I realized. It’s one thing to lose my life in the line of duty, but if I can’t count on everyone on my shift, then I can’t really count on anyone.”
“But maybe this will be the nail in his coffin….”
“When I had to testify against Eric, I thought I could keep the positive attitude, you know? I thought I’d be able to go back and do my job. But it’s never been the same. I should have left then. Too stubborn. Then add Martin and the sarge into the mix, and it’s been miserable. But I don’t know what else I’m qualified to do. Everything I’ve done has been in preparation for my job. Everything. All the extra time at the gun range. The martial arts. Everything.”
“Well… have you looked into Greenbelt’s Police Department? I bet one of my friends or family knows someone there. Maybe you could—”
“No, I appreciate the thought, Drew, but I’m done. I don’t want to leave Maryland, and I can’t do this anymore. Too much baggage.” There. He’d said it. It felt like ripping off a bandage… one adhered with superglue. But it was done. He’d admitted it.
Drew sat up, excitement lighting him up. “What about opening your own martial arts school? You were so good with those kids! I bet you’d be a great instructor. It wouldn’t be hard to find out what you’d need to do to get certified. If you even need to? I really don’t know, but I’m sure we could find out.”
“I don’t know, Drew. I mean, I do like martial arts. I guess Brazilian jiujitsu is big now. But I’d have to find a studio, hire people. It would be way too expensive. Maybe I could work at one of the other studios? But I’d really like to not answer to anyone else. I’m sick of others dictating everything, you know?” He’d never considered doing anything with his martial arts training. Then again, he’d never thought beyond being a cop. Never thought he’d want to do anything else. “I just don’t know anything but being a cop.”
“But what if you started small? There’s some empty studio space down at the center. It’s across from the yoga studio. I know because I was talking to the yoga instructor about it. It’s right over the credit union. A nice sunny space. I bet it wouldn’t be too expensive—”
“Drew—”
“—and we could advertise locally. My family knows everyone here. And I’m part of the unofficial Greenbelt Homes Facebook Group. You could teach afterschool classes to students and maybe some morning classes for adults. And a ton of parents homeschool. You could run a middle-of-the-day homeschool class.”
“There’s an unofficial and an official Facebook group? Why am I not surprised?” Josh shook his head. But he felt the first sliver of hope bloom in his chest. Maybe he could make a life doing something else. “Let me think about it, okay? I’m not ready to jump ship just yet, but I like the way you’re thinking.”
If he taught Brazilian jiujitsu, he could also throw in a few capoeira classes. He’d bet Greenbelters would love a martial art that incorporated dance. Something to think about, anyway.
He kissed Drew. Drew tried to be gentle, but Josh quickly turned up the heat. It was always this way between them. The heat so good. Sweet. Raw. Perfect.
WHEN THEY came up for air hours later, Josh rolled over in Drew’s bed and said, “So, order in again?”
Drew laughed. “I think that would be wise.”
Josh swiped a couple of dreads out of Drew’s face.
“Mmm, I knew you were trouble the moment I saw you. Big trouble. I should have known you’d change my life.”
“For the better?”
“Oh yeah.” Josh hugged him, then drew back to look at him. “By the way, tomorrow, after your panel at the Baltimore Book Festival, I’m taking you to lunch.”
“Fine. But I have a soccer game in the late afternoon. You can join in if you want.”
“Sounds fun. I like beating your friends. They’re such sore losers.”
Drew elbowed him. “They are not.”
“Meh, I’m working on them. I figure a few more ego-deflating losses….”
“Brag, brag, brag.”
“Brazil does have several of the greatest soccer players who ever lived. Good genetics.” Josh winked, then winced.
“You okay?”
“It’s turning into quite the shiner, huh?”
“I like a man who can take a punch.” Drew ran his fingers across Josh’s sculpted jaw.
Josh nipped at his fingers. “If you don’t stop, we’re never getting a bite to eat.”
Drew lay back and stretched. Challenge accepted. “Whatever you say, Officer Hot Stuff.”
Josh rolled over on top of him and Drew could feel Josh’s interest perking up. It caused a familiar reaction.
Food could wait.
“WELL, THAT went better than expected,” Drew said. He reached over and tore a piece of naan to dip in his chicken tikka masala. The Indian restaurant, along with several others, had sprung up on the inner harbor to feed all those coming in for the Baltimore Book Festival. Nine tables, a few large vats of food, a quick-rise cabana with silk scarves tied on the poles, and the Indian restaurant was in business. The scarves rustled in the gentle breeze, the day hot but fortunately not too humid.
“What did you expect?” Josh took a sip of his mango lassi before offering it to Drew.
“I don’t know. I just assumed no one would show up to see me talk.”
/> “Drew!” Laura waved, approaching their table. “Great panel, hon. You were by far the most interesting person there.” Laura lowered her voice. “You also wrote the best book by far.”
Drew stood and gave her a big hug. “So glad you could come.”
“I wouldn’t miss it.”
Drew nodded toward Josh. “You remember Officer de Oliveira.”
Josh stood and held out his hand. “Unless I need to arrest you, you can call me Josh.”
Laura smiled, big dimples appearing on her cheeks. “Well, you never know. So glad you managed to work things out.”
Josh waved to their table. “Join us. We’re having a quick lunch before we head home… I mean, to Drew’s place.” Josh blushed and Drew couldn’t help grinning. Josh hardly ever blushed. Not like him. So he was going to savor the moment.
“I see things are going very well.” Laura made excuses, but between Josh and Drew, they convinced her to sit.
Soon they were all munching happily and sharing funny stories. Drew couldn’t remember a time when he’d felt better about his life. Things were going well with his writing, his love life, and setting limits with his family. No zillion texts a day. No coming over without calling first. No discouraging his writing dreams.
Or maybe he didn’t mind them so much because they adored Josh. They’d taken him in like a long-lost kid. Drew was almost jealous at the attention they all lavished on him. Except Drew knew it meant the world to Josh. The split with his family was still a painful wound. If Drew’s family could fill a bit of that void, then he was grateful to offer Josh that comfort. Even if they were a pain in Drew’s ass at times.
Drew watched Josh and Laura trade jokes back and forth. Josh’s face, while sporting quite the shiner, was still the most gorgeous he’d ever seen. Especially when he smiled, like he was doing now. His shoulders were relaxed too, and he looked as happy as Drew felt. It was nice to see.
Drew just wished Josh would find another job. Every time he showed up at Drew’s house after a shift, he looked tense and unhappy. His muscles stiff, his posture standoffish. Then he’d see Drew and it was like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. A smile would slowly work its way to the surface. Drew gave him back rubs and did anything else to encourage that smile. Now, if only Josh kept that happiness when he left the house.
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