TIME PASSES.
Victor is nineteen and Freddy comes back. Victor cries with happiness. His prayers have been answered.
See says Freddy. Told you.
Victor discontinues his map, which he has been drawing whenever he isn’t too sleepy from drugs. Life is fine again. He and Freddy go to the attic, they go for walks on the grounds and find quiet places where they can hide themselves and cling to each other in the leaves. Freddy is always very gentle except sometimes he scratches Victor’s thighs with his nails. It hurts and he bleeds but he doesn’t mind.
Freddy says Next time they ain’t sending me here no more. Next time they want to put me in the pen.
The days fly by. Victor is twenty. He is twenty-one and twenty-two and twenty-three. They take a picture and in that picture Freddy stands next to him. The photographer says Say cheese. Then he is twenty-five and things change.
Dr. Worthe says You have a visitor Victor.
Victor has never seen this man before. His name is Mr. Wexler. He does not look much older than Victor but he has a tie and a suit and dark eyes and a sagging face and he sees Victor and says Oh brother.
Mr. Wexler asks Victor questions about the home. He seems unhappy with how Victor is being treated. Dr. Worthe keeps apologizing. Mr. Wexler keeps saying It’s over now.
Victor doesn’t like the sound of that. He has heard that before and he does not want anything to be over.
Dr. Worthe tells Victor that he will miss him. You’ve been here a long time my boy. I wish you the best.
Victor does not want to go. He tells Dr. Worthe but Dr. Worthe says Mr. Wexler will take care of you.
Victor does not want to be taken care of. He is already taken care of. He has his room and the eaves and his drawings and the library and Freddy, he has Freddy, who was taken away from him but given back. Much worse than losing someone you love is losing them twice. God is playing tricks. Victor hates Him. Still he prays to Him. He says the rosary. He bargains. If You will let me stay. Then I will. If You will bring him with me. Then I will. If You change Your mind. Then I will.
They take him on a fall morning. All through the ride Victor stares out the window at piles of burning leaves. Sometimes he cries. When the car slows he wants to jump out. The only thing that stops him is what Freddy said to him before he left. Don’t worry Vic. I’ll get out of here and I’ll come stay with you. You’ll see. Don’t act up and give yourself more problems.
Victor cannot imagine how things will ever get better, they feel so awful. But he believes in Freddy and Freddy said to do as the man told.
Mr. Wexler’s name is Tony. He rides in the car with Victor. He says that they are going to New York City. They drive and drive. Outside the trees are orange and gold but Victor sees only their shapes, their forked ends and their delicate spindles. He wishes he could show them to Freddy. He will draw them so he can show Freddy later. He will have to get some paper. He hopes they have paper in New York City.
New York City roars. Victor has never seen anything like it in his whole life. He sees buildings the size of mountains and streets filled with cars filled with people. He sees bright neon signs. He sees Negroes. He sees boys hitting a ball with a broomstick. He sees men with hard hats. A train disappears into the earth. Tony says Have you ever been on a train? Victor has suspicions about Tony; Tony talks to him like he is a child. But he is not a child. He understands. He understands that he is stupid and he always has. That is what makes him different from a child. He wants to tell Tony but he cannot find the words.
Over a bridge they go. Tony says This is Queens. There are men in blue coats. There are yellow and black cars that look like beetles. They drive down a busy street full of people walking, pulling carts behind them filled with paper bags. Men stand on the sidewalk smoking. The streets ooze steam. Victor is overwhelmed. He remembers the town from when he was a boy; he remembers Albany from the time he ran away; but neither of those places is as impressive as New York City.
They turn from the busy street and up a little hill past a park with children on swings. They come to some tall brick buildings. There are many of them, splitting the bright blue sky. Tony says Here’s your new place.
Victor cannot imagine a house so big. It is bigger than the dormitory, a hundred times bigger. He worries. He does not want a house so big. But then he sees other people going in and out. Maybe it is actually a dormitory. He can’t figure things out. Too many things are happening at once. He wants to lie down and put his head in Freddy’s lap. Freddy understands. Freddy could explain.
Tony leads him through a maze. The buildings are so high they bend inward, like they want to kiss. Victor feels lost. He wants a map. He wants his drawings. He asks for them but Tony doesn’t understand. He tells Victor that they’ll bring up his suitcases later. But what about the box in the library. He tries to explain. Tony says If you left something we’ll call Dr. Worthe and get it back. But Victor is not comforted.
Tony shows Victor a sign that says CARNELIAN. This is where you will live. Victor knows what carnelian is, he read about it in the almanac. Tony opens the door for Victor. Inside Tony pushes a button on the wall and a door slides open like a magic mouth. Victor has never seen it before. He is scared and amazed.
Come on says Tony. Unless you want to walk eleven flights.
The doors shut, chomp. The floor presses up and his feet feel heavy. Then a bell rings and the mouth opens and Tony says All-righty.
The hall is quiet, it has carpet and white paint on the walls. Here we go. Tony opens a door for Victor. The room inside is as big as his room in the dormitory but instead of four beds there is one. There is a potted flower on the windowsill and a flat metal plate plugged into the wall. There is a sink and a toilet. It is peaceful and clean. You can see the bridge from here. Tony points out the window. Isn’t this better?
Better than what? Victor gazes down at the ground far below. The people look like peppergrains.
You’ll be happy here. There’s the phone. When you need something you can call me. This is my number. I’ll be by to check on you. If you need something you can ask. Here’s some money. I’ll send some more every few weeks. You’ll be very comfortable, I promise. Is there anything you need? Are you hungry?
They go back in the mouth and Victor observes how to use it. He is learning all the time.
At the store which is called a restaurant Victor asks for eggs. Tony drinks coffee. The woman brings them everything and Victor eats. The eggs taste delicious.
This must be quite an adjustment for you. Tony waits and looks at him. Then he says We’re going to make up for everything. You’re free to do whatever you want. You can go outside, you can go to the museum or to the park. You can go to the baseball game. You can have anything you want.
Victor asks for another plate of eggs.
As much as you like. Tony sips his coffee. There’s shops nearby. What do you need?
Victor thinks. He says Paper.
There’s a store right up the way. They’re probably closed at this hour but I’ll show you the way and you can go buy whatever you’d like, I’ll give you some extra money. Do you want some dessert?
They walk to the store. In the street a man sells peanuts from a cart. The smell is wonderful and Victor’s mouth waters. He wants some peanuts but he doesn’t want to interrupt Tony, who is talking about all the possibilities Victor has open to him. Victor notes the location of the peanut vendor. He notes places that look interesting. He draws a map in his head. He can write it down later.
The stationery store is closed, but in the window Victor sees appealing stacks of paper and pencils. He does not know how much money Tony gave him but he hopes it will be enough.
They walk around the neighborhood. Tony shows him where to buy food. It is getting dark and cold and Victor shivers. Tony says You need a new coat.
After that they walk home. Victor goes to the wrong door and Tony says No, that’s not ours. Then Victor understands that the house is l
ike a dormitory, after all. He feels disappointed. He had wanted to see the other rooms.
Tony brings him to the correct room. Victor memorizes the way as best he can. Tomorrow he wants to get pencils and paper and pens and some envelopes so he can write to Freddy.
Are you going to be all right here tonight?
He nods.
I’ll be back tomorrow. In the meantime you call me if you need anything.
Victor is alone. He looks out the window and thinks about Freddy. He takes the clothing out of his suitcase and puts it neatly in the bureau. He fills a cup with water and drinks. He is very thirsty so he drinks some more. Then he gets undressed and lies down on the bed. He thinks about Freddy. He touches his privates and then he falls asleep.
Usually his eyes open at sunrise. But the next morning he keeps sleeping until pounding at the door wakes him. He stands up and puts on his pants and his shirt just as a key turns in the lock. It is Tony. He looks worried and he is breathing hard.
You didn’t answer the door.
Victor says nothing.
Are you all right?
Victor nods.
You can’t frighten me like that Victor.
Victor does not know what he did to frighten Tony.
Under one arm Tony holds a folded coat. Here.
Victor puts on the coat. Its sleeves go past his fingertips.
We’ll have to fix that. Have you eaten anything?
They go back to the restaurant. Victor eats eggs. Tony drinks coffee.
I see you like eggs.
Victor does not talk with his mouth full; Mrs. Green taught him. He nods.
You can learn to make eggs at home. That way you can have them whenever you want. Should we teach you?
Tony teaches Victor how to use the hotplate. They make eggs that do not taste as good as the eggs at the restaurant but Victor does not want to be rude. He says Thank you. But he is impatient because he wants to get to the paper store before it closes. He does not want to wait another day.
When you’re done you wash the pan. Did they teach you how to do that?
Yes.
But Tony insists on standing there and watching while Victor does it. Good job he says like Victor is a child. Victor decides he cannot trust Tony. After Tony leaves Victor runs to the store.
In the beginning Tony comes often. He comes with gifts or money or to say hello. He takes Victor to a doctor and the doctor says Cough. Tony takes Victor for clothing and shoes, things that Victor doesn’t want. He tells Victor about the interesting things to see in New York City. He takes Victor to see the Statue of Liberty. He takes him to the Museum of Natural History and to the park in Flushing. Victor says Thank you but inside he wishes he could stay at home with his drawings and the quiet and the view of the bridge. Outside there is too much honking, too much banging; it hurts Victor’s head and makes him want to shut his eyes. He endures the trips with Tony because he has made a new bargain with God. If he suffers enough, he can bring Freddy sooner. So says nothing; he welcomes the loneliness he feels.
Soon it grows too cold to go outside. Tony comes less often. He says I want you to be independent. Instead he calls on the phone. Their conversations are short. Hello and Hello and Is there anything you need and No thank you.
One time he cannot open his door. There are two locks and you have to turn them in the opposite directions. Though he tries and tries the door will not open. Maybe he went to the wrong room. But no, it is the right one, he remembers the number. He does not know what to do. Finally he gets the locks and goes inside and sits on the bed, so scared that he cannot stop shaking all night long.
But most of the time he is okay. Sometimes he sees other people in the hallway. They look at him strangely. He walks around the neighborhood. He buys pencils and paper. He buys some pens and markers and discovers that he likes those, too. The man behind the counter offers to sell him paints or drawing pads. Victor says No thank you. He likes the paper that comes in huge bunches. He buys five bunches and the man asks if he’s writing a book. On the way to and from the store he always stops to buy peanuts.
He goes to the restaurant. He wants to understand why his eggs taste different from the eggs at the restaurant, and so he sits at the counter where he watches the chefs with the paper caps, their foreheads dripping with sweat as they chop onions. He sees that they put milk in the eggs. So he buys some milk and tries to make eggs for himself. But the eggs burn and after a few days the milk stinks. He flushes it down the toilet. He will go to the restaurant instead.
Every two weeks a letter comes from Tony. The man at the front gate gives it to him. Inside is some money. He uses the money to buy what he needs but he has most of it left over. The money grows. He saves it up.
He sends letters to Freddy. He sends drawings. He draws the bridge and the water. He draws birds and flowers. Freddy never writes back but Victor knows that his efforts are not wasted. He can tell the moment Freddy gets a letter, no matter how far away. He hears the envelope tear open in his mind.
The seasons change. Since Mrs. Greene no longer sends him books he buys a new one and writes down the weather. He writes down everything so that he can tell Freddy when Freddy comes. He will say Here is what I saw while I waited for you. He prays. He goes to church. He bargains and confesses. A long time passes. Then one day the man at the gate hands him two envelopes. One is the cream-colored paper Tony uses; the other is flimsy and bluish. Victor tears it open.
Dear Vic. I’m coming.
Victor is excited. He decides to buy Freddy a gift. He takes his money and goes to a store. There he stands for a long time, thinking about what Freddy likes. Freddy liked sometimes to throw glass bottles against the trees and listen to them break. What else? Thinking about what to buy Freddy is the most difficult thing he has ever done. The man in the shop says May I help you sir?
Victor says A gift.
The man shows Victor ladies’ gloves, handmirrors. He shows Victor some scarves. Victor leaves without buying anything.
For days he wanders around the neighborhood, looking in the shop windows. He is very nervous because he doesn’t know when Freddy is coming, he didn’t say anything in the letter. He has to find a gift as soon as possible; he wants to be at his apartment when Freddy arrives. He goes from one store to another, running through them, ignoring the shopkeepers when they try to talk to him. He has almost settled on a woolen hat when he sees the best thing yet: a horse made of gold and silver. It glints, its head thrown back with nobility. Victor asks the man for the price. The man looks distrustful. A hundred and fifty dollars he says. Victor pays him and takes the horse and leaves.
When Freddy comes, he whistles. Would you look at this. He sets down his suitcase and walks to the window. Victor is trembling. He wants to reach out and touch Freddy but he does not dare. Holy Toledo Vic. You got it made. He winks at Victor and a spasm travels through Victor’s groin.
They said you got a rich cousin or something. You never told me about no rich cousin. What else he get you, you got a car?
Victor shakes his head.
Well still. I think you’re a lucky son of a bitch. And lucky me too huh? He laughs. What you look like that for Vic? Huh? You miss me? C’mere. Let me see. Christ amighty you got a hard-on. Freddy laughs. What a fuckin thing is that.
Victor is happier than he has been in his whole life. Every moment he suffered was worth it. He has his own room, he has food and paper and he has Freddy. In the morning he wakes up and watches Freddy’s chest going up and down. Freddy has light hair on his chest, Victor’s is heavy and black. Sometimes he draws Freddy sleeping. Sometimes Freddy turns over or wakes up and then the drawing is incomplete. When he wakes up he tells Victor to put his mouth on his privates. Sometimes in the middle of the night he wants that too and he wakes Victor up and tells him to get going. Victor doesn’t mind. He is in love.
TIME PASSES. Freddy stays with Victor although he doesn’t stay every night. Sometimes he disappears for two or three days
at a time and Victor gets worried. He prays and bargains. Or then sometimes Freddy goes for a week at a time, a month at a time, and Victor plunges into the worst despair he has ever known, worse than before, because now he knows happiness. Freddy refuses to explain where he goes or to warn Victor first. He is there and then he is gone. Victor comes home from the park where he has been drawing trees or from the restaurant or from the shop where he buys bread to make sandwiches for lunch and the apartment is quiet, a quiet different from when Freddy steps out to take a walk or to buy a bottle of beer or whiskey. Then Victor loses his mind. He swears the way he ought not to, he rips the pillows and breaks cups. When it is over he is tired and there is a mess and still no Freddy. Then Victor begins to bargain. He begins to pray.
Whatsit matter where I go? I always come back. The fuck do you care. Stop asking me, you’re getting on my fucking nerves. You can be a real pain in the ass you know that? When Freddy’s voice sounds this way Victor is frightened. He does not want to make Freddy unhappy. He would gladly cut off his own hands and feet to please Freddy. He would cut off his balls.
Look at this. It’s pathetic. Freddy picks up a pillowcase with a dark oily smudge where Victor puts his head every night. Do some fucking laundry.
Victor doesn’t know how to do laundry. Freddy takes him to the Laundromat. You put a nickel in, you put the soap in. Now you don’t have to live like an animal. Freddy laughs. The sound makes Victor’s heart grow. But another part of him doesn’t know what to feel. On the one hand he wants Freddy to smile; on the other hand, he was just feeling so low about himself that he now has a hard time feeling happy. He is all ajumbled, as Mrs. Greene used to say. Now that they live together all the time—sleeping in the same bed, sharing their meals, breathing the same air for most of the day—Victor sees things about Freddy that he didn’t see before. The way his moods change. Long angry speeches. Then compliments dropping out of the clear blue sky. Victor does not understand. He tries to think of another gift to give Freddy. That will make him happy.
The Genius Page 33