It felt like she’d known him her entire life. How could she feel so connected to someone that she had just met?
When they arrived back at her apartment after the festival, Avery couldn’t help but feel overcome by nerves again. Declan must have sensed her anxiety because he tucked her into a tight hug before turning to leave.
Standing at the base of the stairs, he turned back to her and said, “I can’t wait to see you again, Avery. Now go inside before I can’t control myself any longer.”
With a squeak, Avery quickly opened the door and hustled inside, panting as she complies. His heated words left her a quivering mess and she couldn’t help but feel the pulsing going on in an area that had been ignored for the past few years.
Her relationship with Declan was easy. The companionship she craved came at no cost with him and he freely gave her his love, never letting her wallow in the hole of self-pity into which she had buried herself. He left notes with Max and Melanie at work when she was helping a patient, or tucked them precariously into the pockets of her scrubs when she was not looking, constantly surrounding her with affection.
Declan moved in with her six months after they both whispered the “love” word to each other. Avery knew that to outsiders it would look like they were moving fast, but they both knew how quickly your life and plans could change.
They even broached the topic of marriage and children one morning. She could tell that Declan was weary to discuss moving forward, knowing that she had been engaged previously to Nick. But Avery told him that it felt right and that she wanted to move on with her life. The past week as they had walked past a jewelry store, Declan pointed at a ring he wanted her to have, but she brushed his comments away.
“I don’t need a ring, Dec. I just need you.”
While he made decent money working as a personal trainer, Avery knew that both of them wanted to save their money to buy a home.
“Well, you’re getting one after we buy a house, ok?”
“Ok,” she replied, smiling up into his handsome face.
A few weeks later Avery arrived home from work one night, her instincts on high alert. She rested back on the couch, praying that her premonitions were wrong. Neither she nor Declan carried cell phones, so she couldn’t call or text him to make sure he was alright. Turning on the television, Avery flipped through the channels, but nothing caught her eye. Instead, she hopped up off the couch and began working to make Declan’s favorite meal – meatloaf and mashed potatoes.
As Avery pulled the meatloaf from the oven, she heard the front door open and then close as Declan arrived home. Stepping outside the kitchen to greet him, she sucked in a breath when she was greeted not by his typically smiling face, but by a grim and somber expression.
“Hey, Dec. Is something wrong?” Avery asked as she wrapped her arms around his trim waist, resting her chin on his chest so that she could look up into his eyes.
Gazing down lovingly at her, he brushed his fingers through her long hair.
“I love you so much, Avery.”
“I love you too, Declan. But I have to admit, you’re scaring me right now.”
“I know, baby. Why don’t we go sit down?”
Following his lead, she took his hand as they sat next to each other on the raggedy sofa.
“So, you know how I’ve been having those terrible migraines?”
Avery nodded in response.
“Well, I went to the doctor today hoping that they could prescribe something stronger than what I can get over-the-counter. It, um…” His voice caught in his throat, and he choked out the next words, “It turns out I have a tumor. A very large one that is pressing everything against my skull.”
At first, shock overwhelmed Avery’s heart, quickly followed by devastated tears that cascade down her cheeks. Speechless.
What can I possibly say to that? What can I do to ease his pain?
He tucked a piece of hair behind her ear and wiped her tears, but new ones follow even faster than he could wipe them away.
“The doctor says the prognosis isn’t good. Because of where it’s located, it can’t be operated on.” Scooting closer, pulling her face into both of his hands, Declan released his own tears that had been begging for exit. “I’m so sorry, Avery. I wanted to give you everything. I wanted you to have my children. I never wanted to leave you.”
They cried into each other’s arms for what seemed like hours. Avery heard wails of torment bouncing off her thin apartment walls and she realized that they were her own cries of anguish.
"How long, Dec?" she whispered when her eyes could at last produce no more tears.
"He said somewhere between a couple of months to a year at best. I'm so scared, Avery. I don't want to die yet."
Wrapping Declan tighter into the cocoon of her arms, they held each other through the rest of the night and into the morning, not taking any time to sleep, just wanting to be with each other.
After calling into work, for the first time ever, Avery stayed with Declan as they both tried to get a few hours of sleep before heading to see a pain management specialist he was referred to by his doctor. Both so scared, all of their talks of future plans ceased to exist. They only discussed the here and now.
It seemed like the day Declan received his official prognosis his health began to deteriorate quickly. Where he once had lean, strong muscle, he became bone, draped with thinly veiled skin. He had to shave off his beautiful hair so that the probes used on his head by his doctor could affix better during the scans. The chocolate color of his captivating eyes had darkened to a swampy shade of sludge. And the eyes themselves had sunken back into their caverns.
But he was still her Declan.
He was loving and affectionate and still heart-stoppingly handsome.
What Avery wouldn't have given for more time with him.
Six months after his diagnosis, Avery found Declan unable to get out of bed, his muscles too weak from the deterioration. When his organs had begun to shut down, they had hired a hospice nurse to stay with them, a wonderful gift that Declan's aunt and uncle offered to pay for. After the nurse finished her morning ritual, Avery took her place in the chair beside the bed in the guest room where Declan had been sleeping.
"Today's the day, baby."
Wiping a tear from her eyes, she stuttered, "Don't say that. You have plenty of time left."
"It is, Avery. I can feel it. Come lay beside me, please."
Getting out of the chair, Avery maneuvered herself carefully onto the bed, so as not to jostle him or the medical equipment too much. Even with as little strength as Declan possessed, he turned himself to face her, placing his frail hand on her face. Avery twisted her face into his hand and kissed his palm.
"I want to say a few things, Avery. Don't say anything until I finish, ok?" he whispered through a crackled voice, mustering what little strength he had left.
She nodded in reply, allowing him to proceed.
"I love you with everything in me, Avery Marie. You would have been it for me. And I know you'll think I'm crazy, but I'm not it for you. And don't get mad," he said, seeing the tension and hurt welling in her eyes, "but neither was Nick. I can see everything so clearly, Avery. You loved us with everything you had, but your soul mate is still out there. You haven't met him, but please, whatever you do, fight for him. I want you to feel everything. I want his love to encompass your world. Don't hold back a piece of yourself. Let him in. It'll be scary, but you've had so much hurt in your life, things from now on can only be good." After his short speech, Declan took a few seconds to stroke away the tears on her cheeks. "I know you'll think I'm crazy, but I swear I dreamt of your family last night. They just stood before me and told me to tell you that they love you and they want you to be happy. I want you to be happy. You deserve that, Avery. I want you to experience true love, get married, and have babies. Even if it isn't with me like I had wished. I know you'll retreat back to yourself when I pass, but I need you to live. Live for me, fo
r Nick, for Aria. But live for you. You only get one chance."
Leaning forward he placed a warm, chaste kiss on her tear-stained lips before resting back onto the bed.
"I love you, Declan. I don't want you to leave me," Avery whispered as he cradled her into his arm, placing her head on his chest.
As Declan drifted off to sleep, she could hear him proclaim, "I will always be with you."
His breath evened out as he fell into a deeper sleep. Rolling out of his embrace, Avery placed both of her feet on the floor, just as his heart monitor chimed into an eerie, flat tone.
Realizing he was gone, all she could do was fall onto her hands and knees beside the bed and sob uncontrollably.
The hospice nurse, Max and Melanie must have come in at some point, because Avery woke to find herself in the bed she used to share with Declan and a bustle of noise coming from the living room.
Collecting as much energy as possible, Avery walked towards the gathering crowd. Melanie rushed forward and pulled her into a tight embrace; offering her condolences. All Avery could do is stare up at the ceiling, willing herself not to cry any longer. Unsuccessful at her attempts to stop the tears, Max joined into their hug as they all wept at the loss of their friend.
Once everyone has cried themselves out, Avery noticed two other people in her home and she looked over to Max and Melanie, raising her shoulder in question and pointing with her head at the unknown guests.
Max jumped in and introduced Mr. Allen and Mr. Rockwell, lawyers for Declan's estate.
Estate? she pondered.
After exchanging their condolences, Avery learned that when Declan's father died, he came into a large inheritance from his grandparents. When Declan was diagnosed, he signed a will leaving all of his assets to her, except his car (a classic GTO), which he left to Max.
Opening the letter that listed all of her assets, Avery was taken aback by the number of zeros listed.
"What the hell am I supposed to do with twenty million dollars?" she exclaimed to the lawyers.
Melanie was mid-drink and at Avery’s outburst, she spit it everywhere, launching herself into a coughing fit.
"Well," one of the lawyers started, "you can save it, spend it, give it away. Whatever you want. It's all in a savings account, waiting for you."
Avery looked over into the stunned faces of Max and Melanie and found herself only shaking her head, desperately trying to shed no more tears.
"I don't want the money. I just want Declan,” she exclaimed as she rushed back to her room to escape the pain and more tears fell down her reddened cheeks.
It was then that Melanie understood completely why Declan’s and Nick’s things were hard to place in boxes, but the worst was putting away Aria’s clothes and toys. Avery hadn’t touched anything after Aria’s passing and packing up each item unleashed a new form of torment.
Avery was at a loss on how to overcome her grief. Everything she had ever loved was constantly being taken from her. She was even at the point of trying to push Melanie and Max away because she was afraid that her love for them would cause them some form of harm. After voicing this to Melanie, she hugged her tight and told her that there was nothing she could do to make her go away, Avery was stuck with her for life.
It took a full week to pack up all Avery’s belongings and place them into the moving truck, which Max so graciously took care of. He also made sure that her beat-up piece of rust would make the long journey to her new home, though he pleaded with her to spend some of her new fortune on an updated vehicle. They argued and argued, but much to his dismay, Avery wasn’t budging. Mila had bought that car when they had finally saved up three-thousand dollars and this was one of the last things that had belonged to her. She refused to upgrade until she absolutely had to.
Staring at the place that she had once called home, now barren and deserted, her broken heart shriveled up and disintegrated into a pile of ash within her chest. The pain pulsating inside her body ached with such a strong abandon that she collapsed into a heap on the living room floor, gasping for air; pleading for the lives she lost. Avery made promises to a God that she had lost all hope in, but that Mila and Declan had prayed to every night. She beseeched Him to offer her some sort of reprieve from this hell He had placed her in, begging for guidance on how to continue along this miserable and lonely life. She cried out to this God for minutes, or hours - time had lost all indication. No answer ever comes. No sign. No proclamation. Just silence echoing against her strangled sobs.
Melanie finds her alone on the floor, imploring an ethereal being for guidance, and sinks onto the floor next to Avery, wrapping her gently in her arms. Her touch was a loving affection that caused warmth to trickle through Avery’s bones.
Stroking her hair as Avery continued to cry onto her shoulder, Melanie whispers, “They’ll always be with you, Avery. This is just a place; you’ll always have the memories. No one can take those away from you.”
Avery’s cries began to lessen and she sits back onto her heels, using the heel of her hand to wipe the tears from her cheeks.
“I know you’re right,” Avery chokes out, her voice soft and scratchy, “I know I need to move forward, but I don’t know how; it’s so hard.”
“I don’t think any of us expected it to be anything but hard. But you’ve been doing great, Avery. Max and I are so proud of you.”
Melanie hugs her close again before releasing her so that she can stand up; Avery soon follows.
“Do you think you’re ready now?”
Avery takes a deep breath and looks around the desolate room one last time. “Yes, I think I am.”
Outside, Melanie piles into the moving truck while Max took the driver’s seat of Avery’s car.
“I’m sure you’d rather be with Mel, but your car is a bit more comfortable if you wanted to sleep and I’d rather be with your car in case something happens.”
With a nod towards Max, Avery slides into the back seat of her car and curls up, hoping to fall asleep quickly.
She wakes to unfamiliar surroundings and has to take a minute before she realizes that she is in her new room, in her new apartment. Before Avery can adjust herself to move out of bed, Melanie comes skipping in, a smile upon her face.
Her curly black hair is artfully styled on top of her head in a messy knot-bun, showcasing her long graceful neck where a classically beautiful face is perched. She unknowingly highlights her toned physique in a black tank top and short gray gym shorts. Melanie truly is effortlessly gorgeous and by the smirk occupying Max’s face as he follows behind her, he thinks she is gorgeous as well, amongst other nauseatingly loving compliments.
“How’d you sleep, Avery?” she asks.
“Great, thanks. I can’t believe I slept through most of the trip and through the night. I haven’t slept that much in well… ever. I didn’t mean to take the bed. Where did you guys sleep?”
“Oh, hun, you needed the rest. We crashed on the couch. It was a pull out. Don’t fret about it.”
“Here’s some coffee, Avery,” Max says, handing her a travel mug. “Nikki made a big pot before she went to work this morning. She took the afternoon off so she could help you get adjusted since we need to head back around lunch time.”
“That was nice of her,” Avery says as she takes a large swig, letting the warmth of the drink travel its way down her body. “I’m so thankful for y’alls help. Truly. You didn’t have to do this.”
“We wouldn’t be anywhere else,” Melanie replies sweetly. “We’re going to start grabbing boxes. Come on out when you’re ready.”
As they disappear out of the apartment, Avery gives herself a mental talking-to. She reminds herself that this is what Declan, Nick, Aria, and Mila would want for her - that she should enjoy her days.
With her own thoughts inspiring herself, she gets dressed quickly in a pair of black running pants and a yellow racerback tank top. Tossing her long brown hair into a ponytail, she makes her way outside, not pausing to take in her
surroundings - knowing that if she absorbs the meaning of her new home, the loss of her old one may overwhelm her.
Max unloads all of her furniture - which isn’t much - while Melanie joins her in sorting through the few boxes she brought along. Before they left, Avery had asked Melanie to take the majority of Aria, Mila, and Declan’s things to charity whilst she kept a few cherished items and boxed them away for safe keeping. Nick’s parents took most of his things when he passed, though Avery managed to keep a few of his shirts.
As Avery places the treasured box in her closet, Melanie suggests she trifle through it one last time and place the items in the fireproof safe Avery had purchased for the move. She wasn’t about to take any chances with a new roommate, though she knew Melanie wouldn’t have suggested the move if she didn’t trust her cousin.
She sits down on the floor facing her closet, a dim light bulb illuminating the space. Opening the stiff cardboard, Avery is first assaulted by the smell of her old home. The smell of old weathered hardwood floors and a hint of lemon cleaner. Why Melanie thought this was a good idea, Avery will never know.
She first pulls out Declan’s treasured wrist watch that had been passed down through his family. Avery remembers that towards the end of his life he was no longer able to wear it - so weak that even the soft gold of the band was too heavy for his wrist. Two of his favorite t-shirts come out next and she bring them to her nose, taking in the smell that was uniquely Declan’s – sandalwood and male.
After setting those items aside, she unfolds and refolds the shirts of Nick’s that she kept and places them beside the box along with Declan’s. The small black box containing the engagement ring that Avery hadn’t gotten to wear nearly enough beckoned her to reach forward. The squeak of the underused hinges startled her in the silent closet before she gets a chance to admire the small diamond perched atop a band of gold. Avery takes a deep, unsteady breath before closing the box one last time and placing it in the far back corner of the safe.
Coming Alive: Welcome to Carson, Book One Page 4