by P. J. Belden
“Kay we need to stop,” I breathed when I broke the kiss.
“Why?” she whispered, resting her forehead on my chest.
“Because I want our first time to be special, and a hospital room with my arm in a sling doesn’t classify as a great memory to me. Does it for you?”
She was quiet for a while, and I worried I said something wrong. When she finally spoke, I breathed a sigh of relief.
“Does that matter to you?” she questioned quietly.
I pulled her head back so I could look her in the eyes.
“It doesn’t matter to me, because as long as it’s with you it’ll be special. But it matters to you and I know that. I want you to have the best possible memory of our first time together. You deserve nothing less.”
“Jason,” she breathed.
Just when I was about to take her lips with mine and make her forget whatever she was thinking, a nurse came into the room.
“Visiting hours are over. She needs to go home,” the nurse said with almost hatred in her voice.
“She’s not going anywhere,” I stated back.
“Hospital rules, Mr. Gold. Plus, after the ruckus she caused this morning, I’d rather her go and wait for you to be discharged.”
I stared at the nurse. I couldn’t believe the venom in her voice. What the hell had Kayla or I done to her? Kayla certainly couldn’t help her nightmares any more than she could help her past. They snuck and claimed her more nights than not. It wasn’t her fault and she shouldn’t have to suffer because of it.
“She is staying. I won’t argue. Either she is staying or I am leaving - take your pick. I really don’t want to be here anymore anyway!” I snapped.
The nurse glared at me and then at Kayla, accompanied by a look of disgust. The whole situation was blowing my mind and I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on, but my gut told me that something wasn’t right.
“She’s not staying, and you’re not leaving. Now either she can leave calmly, or I can call security,” she snapped back. “You’re here to recover, not to socialize, or whatever you call what you’re doing.”
I was getting ready to lay into her when Kayla put her hand on my chest and looked up at me.
“I’m going to go. You need to get better. I will either be here and bring you breakfast or I will have Nate or Mary bring it to you,” she smiled.
It was a forced smile. I had seen her real ones. They are few and far between, but I had seen them, and she wasn’t wearing one then. My gut told me not to let her go - that something wasn’t right - but what could I do? I pulled her into my arms and leaned in close to her ear.
“I don’t feel right about this. Something is wrong here, Kay. You need to stay. My gut is telling me you are in danger if you walk out of this room right now,.” I whispered.
I heard her ragged breathing and when she spoke my heart broke.
“I feel the same way, but you are more important right now. You need to stay here and get better so you can leave and come back to me. I have been doing this for so long Jason. Just please stay; don’t do anything you shouldn’t. Promise me.”
“I don’t want to, but for you I will do anything. I’m out of here tomorrow. I promise to stay here tonight.”
She held me tightly for a moment, leaned back and kissed me. She moved away to grab her purse and bag.
“Kay, I…”
I wanted to tell her. The urge to tell her I loved her was so intense that I almost did. Had she not looked back at me with tears in her eyes and hands shaking, I probably would have. I knew then something bad was about to happen, and something had already happened that she wasn’t telling me about.
A tear fell down her cheek, she pulled out her phone and dialed. She turned and walked away from me, and I had no choice but to let her go. My iPod still sat in my ear. The song that played was perfect for the moment. “It Will Rain” by Bruno Mars played in my ear. Her walking out scared me that she was not only walking away from the hospital, but me too. I clenched my fists at my sides. I called after her, moving toward her. I pulled her into my arms and kissed her. She kissed me back with the same amount of intensity.
“Call me when you get home. The minute you get home. Okay?”
She nodded her head, and like that, she was gone. The door clicking closed hurt me like I had been shot all over again. I had a very bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. Something was amiss and she wouldn’t tell me even if I asked. If I knew her at all, I knew she felt I had too much on my plate already. She walked away, and I knew it was more than the night. My heart ached and I could almost hear it shredding in my chest. She walked away from me and was going to try to figure it out on her own.
No Kayla. You’re not walking away from me or from us. I have never loved anyone in my life like I do you. I won’t lose you! Alex will not win here. He’s not ruining two lives. I won’t let him ruin mine and I’m not letting him ruin yours anymore. You’re not walking away from us Kayla. I won’t let you…
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
~KAYLA~
Walking out of the hospital room wasn’t the hard part. It was walking away and knowing that last kiss was it. There was no way I was going to continue to keep bringing him down. I had promised myself not to back away from him, but I had no choice. My chest ached and I felt like I was going to throw up, but I had no other choice. The tears fell faster.
“Pumpkin, what’s going on? Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled you called, but I—“
“Daddy, can you please come and get me from the hospital. Please. I can’t drive right now. Ple—“
I was cut off when I was shoved from behind into the wall. The phone still in my hand, I screamed. When the nurse came in to make me leave I knew something was happening. And I was about to be thrown into something horrible. Still, I left because Jason needed to heal, and I didn’t want to be the reason he hurt and didn’t heal. I left behind my safety and walked into a trap. It was my fault. It was all my fault.
Whoever was behind me pushed against me harder. I felt the brick of the building digging into me more and more the harder he pressed. I squeaked out a breath as he pressed even harder. It wasn’t Alex. The feeling that ran up my spine wasn’t there. I didn’t know who it was, but I knew it wasn’t Alex.
He pulled my hair, thus pulling my head away from the wall. I cried out when I felt something sharp and cold go to the inside of my jeans and down. My head was slammed into the brick of the building and things became a little cloudy.
In the distance, I could hear my dad screaming. I cried when I felt the cold air hit my butt first. Starting to shake, I tried hard to push off the wall, but his weight kept me there.
Who the fuck are you!
Tears were streaming down my face; my fear was taking me over. It was so intense that I was breathing short, rapid breaths, and it wasn’t enough to keep my head from fogging up. My face was tingling and almost numb. Still, I heard that distant voice that sounded like my dad screaming.
“Help m-m-me,” I pushed out.
It was so quiet there was no way anyone was going to hear me. My head was forced into the wall again.
“Not much you can do princess. Just take it and love it. It’s a ride you won’t forget,” the deep voice murmured close to my ear.
“Please don’t. You can walk away now and…” I tried to plead.
“Shut the fuck up!”
With that, he rammed into me. I screamed. He smacked me. I cried. He punched me. I whimpered, and he slammed my head into the wall. All the while he kept pounding into me. His breath was ragged, and his moans were making me sick. I was certain I was going to puke. I started heaving, but nothing was coming up. His movements picked up and I prayed it was almost over.
God, I can’t take much more of this. Please let it almost be over. Save me, someone, please.
I cried when I felt something digging into my side. He rammed in a couple more times before he stopped. Breathing heavily right next to my ear, I could
feel the smile on his face.
He stepped back and I collapsed to the ground. There was a pause and no sounds were made. I looked up and froze.
“No wonder they hunt you. You’re definitely on the top of my list. We’ll see each other again.”
With that, he kicked me in the stomach and took off. I curled up and cried for a little while before pulling myself up to a sitting position. I pulled out my pajama bottoms and slid them on. I gathered all my clothing and put them in the bag, then walked over to my car. The tears flowed freely down my cheeks. I unlocked my door and got into the car. At that point, I didn’t care if someone was in the backseat. Maybe they would kill me and put me out of my misery and pain. My shirt was wet, so I knew I must be bleeding.
Starting my car I backed out and started driving. I had no clue as to my destination, I just drove. Stop light after stop light, turn after turn. I pulled up in front of my shelter.
My safe haven.
I pulled around back in between the buildings so my car was hidden from view. I walked in making sure to lock the door behind me. I headed straight for my office and the trash can inside, then threw up what little I’d had for supper. It wouldn’t stop, it just kept coming. Finally left with dry heaves, I collapsed to the side of the trash can and cried.
The tears weren’t for the attack or the pain I was in. They were for a far worse pain. The pain of losing the only man I had ever loved because I couldn’t get the crazy people out of my life. I pulled myself up and grabbed my phone. There was pain in the side of my back, and I remembered I was bleeding. I needed to take care of it, but before I did, I needed to do the one thing that was going to kill me. Taking a deep breath, I began to type in the text.
Me: I left tonight, but not just the hospital. There is no way I can stay with you and have all this going on. You’re sitting in the hospital because of me and things are only going to get worse. I will never regret any of the time we had together. You gave me something I never thought I could feel after all I have been through. But you deserve a girl who doesn’t have my past - or present. You deserve a girl whose whole day is thoughts of you, and not fear of the unknown. I can’t give you that. Please don’t make this harder on either of us. I won’t be able to handle it. If any part of you cares about me, please respect my decision and let me go. Please.
My thumb hovered over the send button, and as I hit send, my heart went with it. Sending that text literally killed that last bit of happiness I had in my nightmare. There was nothing else; nothing left of me but broken pieces of my heart and a shattered soul. Nothing for me would ever be the same. I’d be surprised if I was even be able to go back to my life before Jason. This time my loss was so much greater. My loss this time around was not privacy or even freedom; my loss was me. I was gone.
Numb and distant - that is all I am now because all of me was with the man I just told to leave me alone.
My phone beeped. Taking a deep breath as I debate in my head whether I should read it or not, my finger hit the open button.
Jason: I don’t know what happened or why you changed your mind about us, but I am not sitting back and letting you leave me. You are my last, Kayla. My last thought, my last kiss, my last breath. I will not let you go that easily. I know that things are not ideal in your life right now, but please don’t push me away because of it. I will not let Alex ruin both our lives. He’s taken enough of yours, please don’t let him take any more. Please Kayla.
Me: I can’t Jason. I just can’t. We can’t be together right now. There is too much at stake and I can’t risk anything else happening to you because of a position I put you in. I won’t do it anymore. I tried, but we just can’t. I won’t do it to you. Let me go so I can figure this out so maybe – just maybe (if you’ll still have me) we can try again without all the drama, but I just can’t do it now. Not like this. Please Jason just let me go.
Jason: Don’t make me let you go. Letting you go would kill me. There is nothing without you. I told you once you were my sunshine. Please Kay, don’t leave.
Me: I will never forget you and the things you have done for me and shown me over the course of knowing you. Goodbye for now, Jason.
Jason: Please Kay don’t do this!
Jason: Please…
Jason: Kay, please I can’t lose you please…
I couldn’t reply anymore. The tears were falling so fast and so much still welled up in my eyes that I couldn’t see. It was the hardest day of my life. My heart shattered along with what was left of my soul. A darkness filled me that I hadn’t felt in a long time. On that day, Kayla Williams died. All that remained was the shell of her existence. There was nothing left, I was empty and hollow.
I stood up and walked to one of my exam rooms. Pulling a mirror in the room, I lifted my shirt and saw the gash in my side. I took in a deep breath and groaned in pain.
He had a knife, but didn’t kill me.
My life was just screwed up beyond recognition. Concentrating the best I could, I stitched myself up. I hoped that was all the damage he had done, but when I saw the blood in my shorts I knew that wasn’t true. Walking to the bathroom, I thought about what happened today.
I have never talked him a day in my life before today. Why would he be after me? Why would he do that to me?
When I started cleaning myself up, I noticed he hadn’t used a condom. A new fear spread through me. At least all the times Alex attacked me, he wore a condom. I cried harder and pulled up my shorts. It was a decision I had to make. Grabbing my stuff, I ran to the car and drove back to the hospital. It was going to be hard to do, but there was no way I was going to wait for the police if they called them. They’d get their DNA and then everyone would know anyway.
Walking into the emergency room, I looked around for someone to talk to quietly. An older nurse approached me, and smiled a sad smile.
“What’s wrong honey?”
“I… I… was raped and he didn’t use a condom.”
She led me back to a room. Within minutes, they were doing a rape kit. The nurse was kind. She talked to me the whole time. She tried to make me as comfortable as possible, she said. After the rape kit was completed, they stitched me up, took my blood and gave me a morning after pill. She gave me the speech about having to report it to the police and that they would be there shortly. She left the room. I changed into my clean clothes pulled my hair up, grabbed my phone and snuck out of my room. I left my bag behind, carrying with me only my purse and phone. I was almost out of the hospital when I heard the nurse behind me shouting at me. I bolted, running as fast as my weakened state could handle.
I was in my car and taking off by the time hospital security made it out of the hospital doors. There was no way I was sitting in that room reporting yet another rape.
No thank you! Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.
As I sped away from the hospital, my thoughts were of Jason. It was him that I was going to miss the most. The time we had together and the way he made me feel whole was hard to give up. I knew I would never forget him. Glancing in my mirror and seeing the road behind me, I knew I was losing more than Jason. My whole family was there. I had to leave them all behind. What else could I do?
My phone rang, scaring me from my turmoil. It was my dad. Setting my phone in the hands free, I had to take it. I needed to at least say goodbye. A lump in my throat was already forming. I swallowed and answered the phone.
“Hey daddy,” I answered sadly.
“Oh my God, Kay, please tell me that I didn’t hear what I thought I heard.”
I didn’t answer, and when I heard a choked sob coming from my father I started crying. That was why I had to leave. I didn’t want it; I didn’t want others dragged down because I couldn’t stand alone. How stupid was I to believe that speaking out was the best thing I could do? I was completely and utterly wrong. It was no longer just about me being screwed, those near and dear to me were in danger too.
“I’m almost to the hospital. I’m coming pump
kin. Just a few more minutes.”
“I’m not there anymore. I left.”
“Why did you leave? Where are you? God Kay, I was on the phone and… Oh God Kay, I’m so sor—“
“No!” I screamed. “No, daddy. You don’t ever blame yourself for any of this. This is my fault and my burden to bear. I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to start talking. I never should have done that. Well, no more! I will bring no one else down! Do you hear me! Tell Mary she can stay at the condo for as long as she needs to, I don’t care. I’m leaving, and I’m taking all my problems with me. You guys will not suffer because of me any longer. I love you, daddy – so much! Please tell everyone that I love them. Oh, and daddy, can you tell Jason that this wasn’t because of me, that it’s for him. He’s a great guy, and he’ll find the girl meant for him. I love you.”
As he started protesting, I ended the call and shut off my phone. I drove and drove until I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. When the sign appeared for a hotel, I took the exit. I was just so damn tired. I checked in and made my way to my room. I locked up the door once inside. I walked over to the bed and collapsed on it, falling asleep within no time.
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
~JASON~
It took everything out of me not to throw my phone across the room. The only thing that kept me from doing that was the knowledge that it was the only way Kayla had to contact me.
If she’d even contact me.
I could feel the tears burn my eyes. Throwing my phone may be out of the question, but everything else was fair game. I threw my water pitcher, tray table, pillows, blankets, anything I could get my hands on was making contact with one of the walls or the door in the room. When I’d run out of things to throw, I collapsed to the floor by the window breathing heavy.
What the hell changed? What fucking happened?
None of it made sense at all. She was in my room, kissing and dancing and smiling, then the nurse kicks her out and she bails on me.