by P. J. Belden
How did I become this guy? How did I become the guy that hurt because he couldn’t spend every moment with a girl?
Kayla happened. Kayla was unlike any woman I had ever come across. She was not needy or selfish; she cared more about others than herself. Kayla never focused on her own problems if someone she cared about had a problem. She never put herself first. That set Kayla on a whole new playing field than any other woman, and it made me long to be around her.
The drive to my house seemed to take forever, but as I pulled my car into the garage and walked inside my house, everything felt different. My house had once been my sanctuary. It was once the place I came to get away from everything and just relax. As I walk in and set my keys on my kitchen counter that evening, it felt like anything but a sanctuary. It felt cold, hollow, and empty. It lacked love, and a beautiful curly haired woman singing as she cooks. I walked back to my room and shed my clothes before climbing into bed.
I looked out of the balcony doors and thought to myself how Kayla would love the view.
Ugh! Tonight is going to be a long night, I can already tell!
I watched the moon dance on the water as the wind blew ripples across the lake. I wasn’t sure how long I’d been watching the moon’s reflection, but I finally felt my eyelids get heavy, and I fell asleep.
“No, sunshine. I’ll come by around quitting time and pick you up. It’s okay. I understand. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
The call ended. I had so much to get done that day; I really needed to get a move on before I couldn’t get anything accomplished at all. I set about cleaning up the previous night’s mess. I didn’t want Kayla to come home and have to deal with anything. I had just finished loading the dishwasher when my phone started ringing.
“Yeah?”
“Hey man! Long time no talk. You done being pussy whipped enough to hang out.”
“Ass. Yeah, you can head on over. I need a break.”
“Great on my way.”
Once Nate arrived, the day flew by and before I knew it, I needed to go pick Kayla up. Nate decided to take off too, but he didn’t need to. Kayla considered him a part of the family as much as I did. Finally convincing him to come back for supper, I headed out to pick Kayla up.
Walking into the clinic, I was immediately greeted by Jenny. She was beyond thrilled that I was able to break through to Kayla.
“Hello Jenny. Kayla in her office?”
“Yeah, she’s in a meeting, but I’m sure you wouldn’t be a bother.”
“Great. I wi—”
My sentence was broken off when I heard a scream. I looked at Jenny and she shrugged. I walked closer to the office and heard it again. This time I was certain and it was my girl behind that door screaming.
“Call Nate! Tell him to get here NOW!”
I kicked at the door several times before finally gaining entrance. Kayla’s limp body lay on the floor with a man standing over her. I attacked before Nate finally got there and took over. I had torn the guy up pretty bad and I didn’t care.
Rushing to Kayla’s side, I checked for a pulse and I couldn’t find one.
“Kayla, baby, please wake up. Please!” I sobbed.
The ambulance came in and began to work on her. I didn’t recognize her. She was so beaten that I couldn’t even recognize her. Ten minutes later the paramedics talked to Nate, who then came over to me with a saddened face. I stared at him in horror.
“Jason, she didn’t make it.”
“No! No! She has to make it! I couldn’t be too late! No!”
Nate tried to calm me, but when they pushed past me with Kayla on the stretcher and the sheet over her face. I broke. I screamed as loud as humanly possible. Tears coursed down my face.
I jolted up in the bed when I heard a scream. It took me a moment longer to realize the one screaming was me. A nightmare; I’d had a nightmare. My first nightmare since I was a kid and it really spooked me.
What if I can’t save her? What if I can’t get to her in time?
I brought my hand to my face, and it shook from the images of the nightmare still playing in my head.
The thought of not being able to save her broke me like nothing ever could. This was my Kayla. My love. The love of my life. If anyone was supposed to save her, it was me. The beginning of the dream started off so well, too. She had said she loved me. Just the thought of her saying that filled me up with so much love that the fear and sadness from the nightmare passed. Glancing at the clock, I saw that it was only one in the morning. I laid back down and hoped that I could fall back asleep with no further nightmares.
The silence in the house was deafening. I was just about to doze off when I heard my phone signal that there was a text. I got up and headed to the kitchen to retrieve my phone.
Kayla: I can’t sleep. Are you awake?
Me: Neither can I.
Kayla: Are you mad at me?
Me: What? Mad at you? No. Why would you ask?
Kayla: Because you didn’t even say goodbye or ask to stay.
Me: I didn’t ask because you didn’t offer. I wanted to, but you didn’t seem to want me there.
Kayla: Not true! I always want you here. Can I ask you something?
Me: Sunshine you can always ask me anything.
Kayla: Since you can’t sleep and I can’t sleep, would you want to come over so maybe we can both get some sleep?
I smiled down at my phone. I knew how hard that must have been asking me that. She wasn’t one to ask for anything. Which I was just realizing why she always waited for me to ask. God, I love her!
Me: Sunshine, all you have to do is ask. I will do anything for you.
Kayla: Sooo you’re coming over then?
Me: Hell yes! I’m not missing out on having you in my arms. On my way.
Kayla: See you soon.
Hurrying to my room, I packed a bag with a few things and headed out the door. The drive back seemed to take forever, but for a different reason. I lived outside of town, but thankfully because of the time the drive time was cut almost in half. I took the steps three at a time. I knocked on her door and waited. It seemed like an eternity before she opened the door.
She motioned for me to come in and put her finger to her lips to tell me to be quiet. We quietly walked back to her room and the minute her door was shut I tossed my bag and pulled her into my arms and kissed her. The minute her lips touched mine, the dream seemed to just seep out of my body. She wrapped her arms around my neck and I pulled her closer to me and backed her up to the wall. She tensed slightly when I pressed into her. It wasn’t a major tense, but enough that I could feel it. I broke the kiss.
“Sorry. Honestly, this isn’t why I wanted to stay. I just couldn’t help myself.”
“It’s okay, Jason. Please don’t apologize. I’m just still a little raw.”
“I understand sunshine. Let’s just go to bed.”
She nodded and I shed my clothes down to my boxers and climbed into bed next to her. Pulling her to my chest and wrapping my arm around her, she rested her head on my chest and took a deep breath. When I knew she was asleep, I kissed the top of her head.
“Goodnight my love. I love you,” I whispered.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
~KAYLA~
Weeks passed in a blur of work and taking care of Cara. Carson was also released from the hospital and had been a major pain in the ass because he couldn’t do the shit he wanted. He really was a big fucking baby.
“Curry stop! Carson James Williams! You stop right now or I will leave your fucking ass here!”
“You wouldn’t?” Carson piped back.
“I would! I could be sitting down having a nice lunch with Jason, but instead I’m here listening to your baby ass whine about not being able to do something because your dumb ass had to go out and take the fucking world on,” I ranted.
“You know you sit there talking all big and tough, but yet you sit here too chicken to say what you feel,” Carson
goaded.
He was being an asshole and normally I would have taken pity on him, but I was just that edgy and irritated that I just didn’t give a damn!
“How I’m feeling? You want me to know how I’m feeling?” I stare at him as he stands there pushing every last one of my buttons.
“Yes, little girl. I’d like to know how you’re feeling because it seems to me that you are being a damn princess when it comes to handling everything around you.” He mimicked me in a high pitch voice. “My name is Kayla, and I’m too scared to feel anything or do anything about my feelings when I do.”
What the hell?
When I woke up that morning and got the phone call from my mom, I just had a damn feeling it was going to be an awful day! There I was opening my doors for my fucking brother, and how did I get repaid? He was bashing me. After everything that I had been through, he wanted to start on me., when he was… no, I wasn’t going to blame him for anything. But I was damn sure not going to let him take his nasty mood out on me!
“Listen to me closely, you fucking asshole! I have opened my doors to you and allowed you in my home, and for what? For you to belittle me and make fun of me? Yeah, I am scared. I think I have every fucking right to be scared. Damn it! You live your life, having shit taken from you on a nearly day to day basis. Have your life ran by the fear that he could be around the next corner. Have your life full of excuses for every mark he left on your body or ever bone broken or stitch needed. You live what I have been through, Carson, and tell me how you fucking feel. Right now, I’m scared to breath in fear that he might hear me. Then there’s fucking Jason…”
My anger left me, replaced by sadness and love. It was conflicting, but it wasn’t enough for me not to know where I stood and how lost I was. I dropped to the floor and buried my head in my hands.
“I love Jason, but he can’t love me,” I say softly.
Carson moved down next to me with a grunt and a groan of pain. He wrapped me in his arms and held me for a minute.
“Why can’t he love you, KK?”
“Really? You have to ask? Look at my life. My natural instinct is to run and hide. When something happens, I want to close up and shut down. I’m weak. You know what they say about the weak.”
“Okay, first Kayla, your life? Only you can change that. Stop giving him the control over you. Stop letting him take over you. You took good steps in doing that by reporting him. I can’t be more proud of you for that. As far as being weak; yes, the weak may slow us down, but it is the weak who see everything. The strong are moving too fast to notice the small things that will grow bigger with time. The weak are smarter, and can spot the holes. The strong ignore the holes and just hope that no one can see through them. I’m not strong either, Kayla. Everyone has weak points at some point or another. It’s how we act and react to those moments that determine how strong we are. Kay, you are not weak. Every day you continue on carrying this burden with you. You managed to not only complete school and become a vet, but you did it with a perfect GPA. You run a very successful shelter and give animals a second chance. So when do you get a second chance? When do you get to see what life has in store for you?”
I stared at my brother, unsure what to say to him. No answers were coming to mind and as much as I wanted to believe him and believe in his speech, history had taught me that what I wanted to believe in and what happened were two totally different things.
“Curry, you know as well as I do that my life—hell, maybe even me in general—is not meant to have love in it. If it were…” I shrugged and let my sentence trail off.
“If it were, he would have said it to you by now?”
I nodded my head.
“If he loved me he would have told me by now. He doesn’t… he can’t.”
Carson hugged me tighter for a minute, then looked at me with sadness in his eyes. He had expressive eyes. It always got him in trouble when we were kids because mom and dad could tell everything he was thinking just by looking in his eyes.
“My dear smart - but stupid – sister; have you ever thought that maybe he might be waiting until you’re ready to accept it? Maybe even for you to say it first? Come on, put yourself in his shoes. He doesn’t want to scare you or move too fast. Jason doesn’t want to lose you KK. I bet if you say it first, he will tell you then, and not just because you said it. Remember, you said it yourself; your natural instinct is to run. Trust me on this, I’m a guy,” he laughed as he elbowed me in the side.
I had a lot to think about. If what Carson said was true, then maybe it was time to put my big girl panties on and face whatever fate had in store for me. Butterflies immediately formed in my stomach.
“Kay, the hard part is over. You fell in love. With everything that you have been through and everything that you have endured together, it should be easier to tell him than actually falling. Now, can you help me off this damn floor?” he said, smiling his ‘I won’ smile at me.
Realization dawned on me.
“You planned that, didn’t you?”
“Kay, brothers know things about their sisters. Even when they’re too stubborn to see what is right in front of their faces. So, as your brother, I gave you the push you needed. You can thank me by getting me off the fucking floor.”
“Oh, you are such a baby!”
Once I helped him off the floor, I hurried and flipped the mattress then made the bed. I hated that he was hurt, but even more since it was because of me. So if I had to put up with him in my house until he was able to get around a little more, that was what I was going to do. Mary had left a week earlier to go back on tour, so it was nice to not be alone again.
When he was settled and resting, I went out to my kitchen. Everything that Carson had said to me played over and over in my mind. What if Carson was right, and he was just waiting for me to make that move? It would make sense, he was always concerned about the things he said or did for fear it would push me away. I checked the time. I was going to bring him lunch. I grabbed my phone and sent him a text.
Me: I want to bring your lunch. We need to talk about something.
Jason: I’m about a mile away near a warehouse. Currently sitting inside a hot van with far too many people in it. LOL
Me: Can I bring you lunch?
Jason: Sure, I would love to see you. It would make my day so much better.
Jason gave me directions to where he was; it wasn’t a bad walk from my apartment, so I decided to walk over. I checked in on Carson - he was out like a light. He had his pain meds in his system, and a damn parade could have come through my condo and he wouldn’t wake up. I laughed to myself. Just in case, I left a note on the stand next to his bed.
I headed out the door and stopped at one of my favorite food trucks on the way. I couldn’t wait to see Jason. He had been back to work for a couple of weeks now. He said that the Captain was really on his case about the fact that Alex hasn’t been in contact since the night Jason was shot. I had so many opinions on that, but I couldn’t tell Jason. I didn’t want to interfere with his job.
It was beautiful out today. For the first time in such a long time, I wasn’t scared to go off my normal path. It was Jason; he made me feel so free. I loved Jason, and I was going to tell him.
When I turned the corner, he was standing outside a van parked on the side of the street. I smiled just looking at him. His arm was no longer in a sling. It bothered him from time to time, but he said for the most part he was good. It wasn’t a constant reminder for me anymore. A reminder that my life crashed into his and he was hurt.
He looked up and saw me then and smiled. I felt my insides melt. I loved him and I was going to finally take the first step and tell him. I could almost dance. When I reached him, I rose up on my toes and kissed him. He kissed me back, and wrapped his arms around me. After a few moments, he broke the kiss.
“Come on. Let’s go inside for some privacy,” he winked at me and I blushed.
We went in and he set two crates up for us to sit
on, and a third to use as a table. We ate and talked about Carson being in the condo.
“He’s going to be a pain in my ass, I can already tell,” I laughed.
“You’re excited, I can tell. You like taking care of people and animals,” he smiled.
I just shrugged.
The Captain walked in, and when he started looking at me, I stiffened. Jason turned around to see what I was looking at, and turned back around with a quizzical look on his face. I just shook my head. There was a time and place for everything. I had every intention on telling Jason, but it wasn’t going to be right then, and especially not in front of the Captain himself.
“Gold, I need to speak with you. Just a few minutes, then you can get back to your date,” he glared at me.
Fear like I hadn’t felt in a while started to inch its way up my spine. I visibly shuddered the minute they were out of sight. While Jason was gone, I cleaned up our mess and put everything back to where it was. When Jason came back in his mood had changed. He didn’t look happy anymore.
“So you wanted to talk about something? I have to go back to work in a couple minutes.”
“Oh, uh, yeah, I’d like to, um, well, see I’d like to tell you…”
Carson was a fucking liar! This shit was a hell of a lot harder than falling in love. Actually saying it to him was a whole different ball game. The fact that he didn’t look happy made my stomach turn. I took a deep breath. It was time to face down the world and go after what makes me happy.
“I wanted to tell you…,” another deep breath. “I love you, Jason. I have for a while, but haven’t been able to say it. I was afraid that you would turn me away if I did. Only I think that maybe it’s my turn to make the first move for once.”
I looked up in his face and took a step towards him. “I love you.” I smiled.
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. The look on his face was nothing but sadness and pain. My smile faded.
Pain?
“I’m sorry, but I… I…”
He kept dragging it out. He kept putting my nerves on edge and I just couldn’t do it anymore. Whatever he was going to tell me - whatever he had to say – wasn’t good, and I just wanted to know so I could start dealing with whatever events would follow.