by L. B. Dunbar
With that said, I can understand the expression on your face. I’ve felt that expression on my own. I had that feeling before myself, and I won’t bore you with the details of that story. You have a vivid imagination, and I’m sure you can figure it out.
I do not want her and did nothing with her last night. I came to you to explain all of this, but your silence told me you didn’t want to hear what I had to say. I live in silence daily and I know the value and the pain of it. Sometimes you have to say things to be understood. Maybe it’s that you don’t want to hear my voice because it will come out of my mouth. The same mouth that kissed you. Needs to kiss you again. Wants to kiss you right now.
I won’t hold my voice. I need to apologize. I need you to hear me, if only words on paper.
Now, Jess
BY LATE MORNING, I was waiting for Jess and Katie after I went to the hardware center for the wrought-iron fencing. Deciding to digest Jess’ letter later as I still wasn’t sure how to respond to him, I told myself I would focus on Katie today. I had the story-building book for her and an idea in mind.
Jess began on the fencing installation right away without any words to me, and I led Katie toward the playhouse in Nana’s yard.
“I have something for you,” I began. “It’s a write-your-own story book. I thought since you were Princess Katie last night, we could write a new fairy tale about you.”
Katie looked at me with enthusiasm. She had her crown on and I felt confident she would play along.
“Can we begin with Once upon a time there lived a girl named Princess Katie?”
Katie nodded her head and I wrote the words in large letters on the lines provided.
“How about – She was very smart and very pretty, but she had a secret spell cast on her?” I didn’t want to say anything negative about Katie’s mother and accuse her of being a witch or an evil fairy.
Katie nodded her head enthusiastically.
“This spell took Katie’s voice,” I suggested next and raised an eyebrow for Katie’s approval, which came in the form of another nod.
“Katie’s family was very sad that she could no longer talk.” I again chose my words carefully. I didn’t want to imply anything positive about Katie’s mother either.
Katie approved.
“Although her family was unaware how the spell was made or how it could be broken, Katie knew the answers.” I hesitated long enough to look at Katie.
“Katie knew the secret to break the spell was within her. No special fairy or good witch could take the spell away.”
Katie let her head fall forward as I spoke softly.
“However, there was a condition to Katie’s spell. Before she turned seven years old, on the day of the fire in the sky, if three secrets were whispered in her ears by a good fairy, the spell would be broken.”
Katie met my concerned eyes with her own blue-gray stare, so similar to her father’s, and nodded once.
“The End?” I questioned, but Katie looked over at her dad before she turned back to me.
“Do we need a beast or a prince?”
Katie nodded her head yes, but I objected.
“Well, he already has a story, remember? The beast has to learn to love another and in return earn her love, right? The beast falls in love with the girl yet the girl doesn’t know it, and she has to fall in love with him. Then she kisses him and turns him back into a prince.” I paused. “The beast has his own story, and this story,” I pointed to the book, “is all Katie’s.” She smiled her shy acceptance of this new tale and I wrote The End with a flourish, adding an exaggerated wave of my hand over the paper. I was unaware that Jess had stopped working to listen even though the fence was not finished. He still hadn’t addressed me and I continued to avoid him.
When the fence was installed, and Jess and I had ignored each other for the entire day, I only had one question that eventually had to be asked about his letter.
“Why did you sign it: Now, Jess?”
“Because I don’t know if you want me as Yours, or even if I can belong to someone, and I can’t promise a word like Forever, so I’m putting myself in the present. Now.”
I didn’t respond. I still didn’t know what to feel, but a smile crept onto my lips as I shook my head once in disbelief and walked back into Nana’s home.
The socially acceptable first greeting between two people is a firm handshake and a polite greeting using the words, “Nice to meet you.”
“Matters of Manner,” 1970
THE FESTIVE ATMOSPHERE was building in Elk Rapids. The trailers with carnival rides and campers filled with the workers were parked behind the new local brewery. The welcome banners were hung and stores were posting sale signs. Delivery trucks brought in necessary supplies of extra food and drink for the local restaurants. The Wednesday night River Walk was a summer affair each week to bring visitors and locals into town on a night other than the crowded Friday and Saturday of the weekends. But the Wednesday of Harbor Days Week was an extra-special occasion with a local headline singer, booths offering kid games and art, and raffles for local schools. Every restaurant had an outdoor grill bursting with flames cooking barbeque chicken, juicy burgers, and the local specialty, Lake Michigan whitefish. Vendors offered cool drinks of lemonade and soda. The town’s only bar would be full, but patrons had to remain in the tavern for their special offerings.
It had been five days since I saw Jess or Katie for an extended time. After I offered my payment to Jess for working on the fence, he refused, saying he never paid me for tutoring Katie, and I didn’t really have the opportunity to see him again. The radio was repaired, and quite honestly, I didn’t use it. Katie now had sessions with the special education teacher and didn’t need me anymore. She rode her bike past the house with her cousins one morning and waved at me, but that was all the contact I had with her. There was a brief awkward interaction at the hardware store with Jess, and his truck passed me on the street as I walked through town, but other than that I hadn’t see him.
There were no more pebbles on the windows at night. No more letters on my pillow in the morning, but a mysterious plant or two, looking similar to daisies, appeared freshly added to the garden. I tried to stay busy with my list of improvements needed for Nana’s home and I slowly checked them off.
Garden. Check.
Remove bushes. Check.
Fence installed. Check.
Wash wallpaper upstairs. Check. This one turned out to be more difficult than I expected and I was thinking of removing it completely if it fell apart, which would only lead to more work.
Still remaining on the list:
Paint living room and dining room.
Clean kitchen thoroughly. Again.
Take stock of kitchen items.
Clean bathroom thoroughly.
Purchase new linens.
Fix flower window boxes or remove them.
Some of the items involved money and I was starting to worry a little that I wouldn’t be able to afford it all. I made a decent salary writing my articles for the magazine, but my rent was due soon at home. Chicago. Home.
I’d spoken to Rosie almost every day for the past four nights, finally breaking down and telling her everything that had happened with Jess. The request to sleep. The passionate kiss. The trip to Detroit. The party at Tom’s. The second kiss. The interruption with Sammie. The letter. That letter that I had read, and reread, and read again.
“I feel like a fool. I’ve let myself get sucked in like a schoolgirl. Or more appropriately a summer crush. This is serious stuff here. He’s a father. And possibly a player.”
“Whoa, hold on,” Rosie’s voice of reason interjected. “You’ve seen him almost every day for weeks. He’s kissed you in a way you describe as better than sex. He wrote you a romantic, descriptive apology letter…and you think he’s a player. Come on, Em? He’s a single father in a small town. How much do you think he can play around?”
“How would I know? I don’t live here.”
“Exactly. And why are you still there? Hire people to do the work and go home.”
“Rosie, I can’t afford it.”
“Well, I can. I’ll send you the money. I’m sure I’ll get it all back when we rent. You are still renting it, right? We agreed that was a good investment for both of us.”
“Of course. Yes, of course. But you haven’t seen this place in years. It needs some tender, loving care.”
“Well, from the sounds of it, so do you. Look, you know I wish I were with you. This beautiful darn baby doesn’t seem to be giving me up yet and I just want my sweet little him or her to come out.” Rosie spoke in a soothing tone like one hears when a person speaks to a dog, yet insults it.
“How much longer do you think the magazine is going to wait? It’s been almost a month. You didn’t change your mind and take the leave of absence, did you?”
“No. No, of course not. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t even know what I’m saying. This is all stupid and high schoolish, right? I mean, why would I want to get emotionally involved with someone dedicated and hard-working, emotionally guarded yet surprisingly honest, and who has a child already, but said child is an angel? Right? I mean, really?”
“Oh my God, are you in love with him?’
“What? No. Of course not. It doesn’t really happen like this. Where’s the prince who comes to kiss the girl and save her? The billionaire who sweeps up the clumsy new graduate? Where’s the hundred year old vampire who smells the awkward new girl?”
“Well, it doesn’t happen like that either, Emily.”
“Maybe I’ve been here too long,” I sighed as Rosie said, “Maybe you’ve been there too long.” We burst into laughter. It had been years since we’d spoken at the same time with the same thought, and I was laughing hysterically to the point of tears, when real tears spilled out with the overwhelming feeling of missing my sister.
“I need to pull myself together. I don’t know when I lost so much focus.”
“Look, honey, I’ll send you some money. Just save the receipts and we’ll work it all out. You said Georgie Carpenter might be around. Go uptown for dinner with him, have a drink, and have some fun. Tomorrow you can kick ass and take names again.”
“Ah, you know George only had eyes for you, you heartbreaker.”
“Well, if he could see how big I am right now, he wouldn’t be so heartbroken.”
SO IT WAS at the Wednesday River Walk, which I attended with George, that the feelings I was trying hard to extinguish for Jess were set aflame. When George and I turned the corner onto the main street of activities, I immediately saw Jess talking to Sammie near a fire truck. Kids were allowed to climb in and on the truck, try on fireman gear, and hold some of the fire prevention equipment. I recognized Jess’ sister, Pam, the EMT, and realized again how surprisingly similar they looked as brother and sister, only she was a foot shorter than him.
Katie was standing in a pair of fireman boots that came up to her hips when she noticed me and burst into a smile that could light up the night sky. She made a motion to move toward me, but almost fell over from the boots. Like the doting father he was, Jess caught her before she fell and pulled her straight up to release her from the oversized waders. His back was to me, so he didn’t see George with me nor notice the source of Katie’s smile, but as soon as he put her down, Katie broke off into a run for me. Jess had that dangerous look again, with his hair pulled together at the base of his neck, aviator sunglasses, and a light gray t-shirt. He was gorgeous and I wanted to run to him. Instead, I grabbed Katie up into a bear hug and swung her back and forth.
“Hello, lady. Where have you been?”
Katie pulled back to look at me, as if assuring herself it was really me, then leaned forward quickly and wrapped her arms around my neck. I put my hands on Katie’s sides to gently push her back, but she wrapped her legs around my waist next.
“What’s this, Katie girl?”
Katie squeezed tighter.
“She misses you,” said the all too familiar voice. I looked over Katie’s tiny shoulder at Jess as he clenched his jaw. This movement highlighted his features, detailing his cheekbones below the dark lenses of the shaded glasses.
“Nice to see you again, Jess,” George spoke to break the awkward silence. I don’t know how long I spent staring at Jess, but Sammie had also walked up beside him and the tension was more unbearable than the high humidity of the evening.
“Hey, George. Didn’t know you were back in town?” Jess responded.
“Well, it’s Harbor Days. Wouldn’t miss it, you know.”
“Huh,” Jess replied, uninterested.
“Hey Georgie, nice to see you again,” came the sultry voice of Sammie. Tonight she had on another black ensemble with a black stretch skirt and a white tube-top style shirt that emphasized her tan breasts. She had on black wedges to complete the look and appeared more out of place than I felt in this small town.
“We didn’t properly meet the other night. I’m Sammie Knight.” Sammie extended a hand and I released one hand that was supporting Katie’s legs to shake it. It took all my restraint to make this polite response to this woman. If I had been another type of woman, I might have punched her and started a cat-fight-to-end-all-cat-fights.
“Nice to meet you.” I didn’t introduce myself. I didn’t need this woman to know who I was.
“Emily, isn’t it?” Okay, so she already knew. “Jess has told me so much about you.”
“Oh.” Intelligent answer, I mocked myself. Katie squirmed as if to climb up me a little better and Jess reached for her.
“Here, I’ll take her.” He put his hands on Katie’s sides and inadvertently touched my breast. I gasped as I spoke, “I got her,” and Katie tightened her grip around me once again.
“Well, Emily and I were just going to find something to eat. Maybe you could get down so Emily can walk with me.” George bent to address Katie in a pathetic attempt to talk to her as a small child who might not understand the English language. I was insulted for Katie. I never spoke to her in this manner and had never heard Jess or any of his family members talk to her like that either.
“Katie, come to Sammie.” I was more insulted on Katie’s behalf. She wasn’t a dog either. Sammie tried to reach for her, but without thinking I stepped back to withhold Katie from her touch. Jess raised an eyebrow that was visible above the gold rim of his sunglasses.
“How about if we all just walk down the middle a little ways together? When we find what we want to eat, George, we can stop.” I didn’t want to be rude to him. After all, I had approached him outside his house and asked him if he wanted to walk uptown together. I didn’t want to give the impression I was using him as a shield.
I continued to carry Katie in her death-grip hold. I really wanted the pan-fried whitefish, which was immediately available, but I didn’t want to put Katie down either. We passed the famous barbeque chicken and I knew I could never eat that while still holding her. We finally stopped in front of the bar where they were grilling up burgers. When the mouth-watering aroma hit me, I had lost my appetite with all the tension surrounding me. I told the others to go ahead without me.
“Okay, you’ve got to let Emily eat something.” It was George who was attempting to remove Katie from my hold, and I unknowingly turned so George couldn’t touch her. At the same time, Jess stepped up to wedge himself between his daughter and George. It was most likely an instinctive move on Jess’ part as Katie’s father, but I didn’t know where my possessiveness was coming from.
“How about if I take Katie right over there to dance? I think they’re playing our song, Katie.” I spoke into Katie’s ear, but looked at Jess for approval. The cover band was singing a popular song by a country singer about Romeo and Juliet. Ah, a fairy tale for grown-ups. With Jess’ nod of approval, I swung myself around in a circle and we joined other young girls dressed in matching t-shirts and tiaras with sashes representing the various ages of local pageant winne
rs. I swayed back and forth, and finally bribed Katie with ice cream, if she would climb down and danced with me. The two of us sashayed and I twirled Katie in an elaborate spin. I pretended that Katie and I were formally dancing, and I dipped her dramatically.
I wasn’t aware that there was a steady buzz of whispering happening in the surrounding crowd, but when the music stopped and the applause seemed to be a touch too excessive, I turned Katie to the audience and made her take an elaborate bow. This brought on more applause and some calling out of her name. I found Jess on the perimeter of the audience with his arms crossed over his chest. I couldn’t see his eyes, still covered with the darkened glasses, but if I had to bet, they were turning to a dark blue-gray. He pulled his hands free and slipped them into his front jean pockets, shifting his eyes to look down at the street by his feet. Another call for Katie shouted out of the crowd, and then she was swept up by someone else.
I instinctively didn’t let go of Katie’s little hand even though it was Tricia Carter who pulled Katie into the air.
“Who knew you could dance so well, you beauty queen?”
At the same time, the music shifted to another popular country slow song and a few older couples came into the crowd-made dance circle. Jess walked up next to me as I was still holding Katie’s hand and covered our clasped hands.
“May I have this dance?”
I was still looking at Katie, waiting for her to release my hand when Jess’ fingers slid through mine and gently pulled me free of Katie. Surprised, I turned to look at him and he slipped his other hand around my back, turning me to separate from Katie. Tricia carried her off into the crowd.
“I wasn’t trying to keep her from you.”
“I know.”
“I swear, she was holding onto me so tightly, Jess. It…”