by Ruby Dixon
An orange, two-fingered hand slides over the bars, almost caressing them. It sends a warning prickle up my spine, but there are people pressing against me on all sides and I can’t move.
The door to the cage opens. We all cringe backward as one of the guards steps forward. He points a finger and sweeps it across the people in the cell.
Not me, I think. Not me.
To my horror, I’m saying the words aloud. “Not me. Not me.” Oh God. They don’t like it when we make noise. The orange, rough-textured hand pauses in its sweep.
The others flee from me to the opposite ends of the cage. It’s not that they’re cowards. I don’t blame them for running. It’s that we’re in a hole so deep that self-preservation is the only thing that matters anymore. I cringe backward, but there’s no one around me anymore. I’m all alone.
The hand points.
Not me. Not me. Please, not me.
No one’s listening anymore, though. Rough hands grab my bare arms, tear at my skin. I start to scream. “Not me! Not me!”
“Tiffany – wake up.”
I jerk awake, gasping. Fear drums through my body, my heart racing in my chest. I cringe back when a skinny white arm reaches out through the darkness to pat my shoulder.
“Bad dream again,” Josie murmurs, voice low. “Didn’t want you to have to sleep through it.”
I rub my forehead. The panic still feels all too real. “Thanks.”
“You okay?”
“I’ll live.” Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be ‘okay’ again. I rub my arms under my blankets, positive I can still feel rough hands gripping me, holding me down, pulling my legs apart despite my efforts.
Josie’s quiet for a moment, then whispers again. “I was just wondering, you know. You haven’t had any dreams in the last while and I thought you were getting better. Are the guys bugging you? I’ve been trying to keep them busy.”
“You’re doing an awesome job, really, Jo. I’m so thankful.”
I can practically hear her beaming in the dark of the cave. “I’m glad. I’ve been working on a really big competition for the next round. It’s gonna be epic.”
“Great.” I try to muster enthusiasm, but I don’t care about the competition, because I don’t want the winner.
A pause. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah.” I know what’s triggered me today. It was the heavy-petting-time with Salukh. While I enjoyed it, clearly my brain hasn’t unpacked all my baggage about the situation.
“You’d tell me if you weren’t, right? Because you haven’t had a nightmare in over a week.” She emphasizes this again.
She doesn’t believe me and I don’t blame her. “I’m fine, really. I just…the only times I seem to get good sleep are with Salukh around.”
I hear her blankets rustle and she sits up. “Salukh?” Her gasp is overloud in the too-quiet caves. “Oh em gee,” she whispers after a moment. “Are you two doing it?”
“No! We’re just friends.”
“Riiiight. Friends that gather herbs together. You can’t see it, but in the dark I’m putting air quotes around the words ‘gathering herbs’. Because don’t think I’m the only one that’s noticed that there’s not a lot of herbs in those baskets when you guys are gone all day.”
I can’t even find it in me to be embarrassed. I think of his big, lean blue body and the way his skin felt against mine. Yeah. “I do like him,” I admit softly.
“So bring him in and snuggle with him for a good night’s sleep,” she tells me with a yawn. “I don’t care. I just worry about you. It’s not good to hold on to the past.”
Says Josie. The woman who never thinks of anything but her happy ever after.
She settles back into her blankets and eventually falls back off to sleep. I stay awake a while longer, thinking about Salukh and our interlude at the cave earlier. It’s strange, but I’m looking forward to what the next day will bring.
Maybe tomorrow will be the day that we can really, truly kiss.
• • •
Bright and early that morning, I wake up and take care of Chompy, switching out the old, dirty leathers that act as puppy pads, feeding him another bottle, and then cuddling him for a bit. When Farli wakes up, she takes over for me, and I’m a little chagrined to see that my own pet acts far more delighted to see her than me. I can’t blame the little guy – she spends every waking moment with him and I just show up for feeding times.
I head over to the main fire to eat. Kira’s there, cooking. Aehako’s back from one of his trips, and he’s seated there, baby Kae in his lap. He cuddles and coos at the fat, smiling baby, his own face wreathed in grins. It’s clear that Kae got her sunny personality from her father, because Kira is more solemn than anyone I’ve met. They make a cute family, though, and I ignore the wistful pang of jealousy I feel. I’m happy for Kira and her happiness. I sit next to them and help myself to one of the root-cakes that Kira’s cooking on a hot stone plate.
“We’re sending two more over to the main caves,” Aehako says as I nibble on my hot breakfast. He sticks his nose in the baby’s face and laughs when Kae grabs ahold of his nose ridges.
“That’s nice.”
Aehako glances over at me. “Do you wish to go? I can send you and Josie. I’d like to keep more of the hunters here to support the rest of us since it might be a few more moons before we all migrate over.”
I freeze. My appetite dies and I force myself to take another bite of root-cake. Go back to the main cave? I’ll be free of my four annoying suitors but…Salukh won’t be there. And for the first time in a long, long time, I feel like I’m making a breakthrough. Spending time with him has been cathartic. I’ve had feelings waking up that I thought were long dead. “I…think I’d like to stay.”
“Ah. For your games?” He winks at me. “Do you favor any of the suitors in particular?”
Oh God, he thinks it’s because I like all the attention? Ugh. “They are all equal in my eyes.” Because I don’t want any of them.
He nods and when Kae throws a chubby baby fist toward his face, he pretends to bite it. “I’ll send two of the elders, then.”
“Any word on when Harlow’s going to have the stonecutter fixed?”
“I have heard nothing. If we get more signs that this will be a truly brutal season, then we will go over anyhow. It is better to starve together than separately.”
“Jeez.” My stomach’s in knots but I force myself to eat my root-cake after hearing that. “Think it will be bad?”
“Watch your little dvisti-friend,” he tells me. “It will grow a darker coat if the snows will be terrible.”
I’ll have to pay attention.
“Tef-i-nee,” a voice booms. “It is good to see your lovely face this morning!” Hassen approaches the fire, spear in hand. He puts one big foot on one of the sitting rocks and thrusts his chest out. He’s a good looking man, but gazing at him, all I can think of is Salukh with his intense eyes and the way he strokes my back.
“Hi, Hassen,” I try to keep my tone warm and feign a cheeriness I don’t feel.
“I am only two seeds behind Taushen,” he tells me boldly. “Do you have a task I can do to gain more of your favor?”
Eep. “I’m leaving it all in Josie’s hands.” I give him a bright smile to make up for my noncommittal words. “She has no bias so I trust her.”
“Bye-hass?” He frowns at the unfamiliar word.
“She does not lean one way or another,” I correct.
“Ah.” He leans in and there’s a gleam in his eyes. “Shall I hunt you something to eat? Even if I cannot persuade you, I can feed you.”
I notice Kira stills, her hands freezing over the root-cakes. Then she collects herself and puts another down on the hot rocks.
I feel the tension prickling at the back of my neck. “I’m good, but thank you, Hassen.”
“You must let me take care of you,” he insists. He gets up and moves toward me. “It is my duty as a strong male of th
e tribe.”
“Really, I’m fine,” I protest, mentally willing myself not to flinch away as he approaches. I keep smiling, but it’s getting difficult to remain cheerful. He’s persistent. All of them are.
As if my thoughts have summoned them, Vaza and Taushen arrive in the main cave. “I thought I heard Ti-fa-ni’s sweet voice,” Taushen calls. “May I feed you, beautiful human?”
I hear Aehako snort under his breath. I know they’re being ridiculous. They’re also pushy and I seem to freeze up whenever they start to insist.
“I am the elder,” Vaza protests. “It is my job to feed Tafnee.”
“I’ve already eaten, but I’m sure the rest of the cave would be glad for food,” I say.
They look at me as if I’ve grown another head.
“They do not want to mate the rest of the tribe,” Aehako murmurs. “A hunter feeds his mate first and foremost.”
“Yes but I don’t have a mate,” I say tightly. I force myself to stare at one of the root-cakes Kira’s grilling as if it’s the most fascinating thing on earth. There’s too many eyes on me at the moment.
“I think they noticed that,” Aehako teases. He jiggles the baby on his lap and then looks up at the hovering hunters. “There is no hunting today. The elders are moving back to the main cave and we will help them prepare their goods for travel. There is much dried meat to send back, as well, and furs. I will need strong bodies to help. The hunt can wait for tomorrow.”
“Then we shall spend the day around Tafnee,” Vaza declares. “It will be a good day.”
A good day for everyone but ’Tafnee’ it seems. I swallow back my sigh. So much for sneaking away with Salukh.
• • •
The day seems to last forever, and by the time I head for my cave that night, I feel as if I’ve been pecked to death by a horde of well-meaning suitors. Everywhere I turned, someone was there to offer to carry something, to fetch me something to eat, to get me a fur wrap in case I was cold. It’s enough to make a girl crazy. Even Asha, the grumpiest woman ever, is casting me sympathetic looks.
The moment I lie down, though, I can’t sleep. My mind is racing and I’m uneasy. The competition Josie has been making the men run around in has a negative side effect; they’re getting more proprietary of me. As I ate dinner, I was flanked by both Vaza and Taushen. Bek frowned every time another man talked to me, even Aehako. They’ve been giving me more room and the last week has been wonderful, but now I’m starting to worry what I’ve bought into.
I knew the competition was a bad idea all along, but I’ve been so low on options. My hands clench in my furs and I turn over repeatedly.
Josie mumbles in her furs, then slaps one of her furry pillows over her ear. “You’re driving me crazy, Tiff. Just go get your snuggle bunny already. I need to sleep.” She pulls the blankets higher over her head until she looks like nothing but a fur caterpillar.
I consider her words. I missed Salukh today, weirdly enough. He was around, but he was busy helping the others move their gear, lashing cords and packing sleds. And of course, my suitors were hanging all over me, so he didn’t venture too near. Every time I looked up, though, he was watching me with that intense gaze. As if he was allowing them to fawn over me but he would step in if things got out of hand.
As if I were his.
A delicious shiver moves through me at the thought. I sit up and peek over at Josie’s nest of blankets. She’s just a small lump in the darkness, her pallet set across the cave from mine. I could sneak Salukh in and he could hold me while I sleep. It’s a selfish thought, but…somehow I think he’d be fine with it.
I slide out of my blankets and pick up my fur cloak. My long, threadbare cotton sleep shirt is the only thing I have left from before, back on Earth. There are holes along the collar and the sleeves, patches in several places, and my panties are long gone, but I still wear the shirt to sleep in. Maybe it’s a bad idea because of old memories, but I can’t bring myself to part with it. It’s practically indecent now, but feels good against my skin. I wrap the cloak around my body and move to the mouth of the cave, peeking over the leather privacy screen that acts as a door.
The central community fire has burned low, and it’s quiet out in the main cavern. It’s late and Salukh has probably already gone to sleep. I should turn around and head back to my own furs and try to rest.
Instead, I pad out into the main cavern and move to the fire pit, staring down at the glowing orange coals. If I can’t sleep, I’ll just be out here again anyhow. Kira’s left her drinking canteen out by the fire, likely distracted by her new baby. I pick it up and it sloshes, still half-full. I pull off the stopper and lift it to my lips.
As I do, I see a pair of blue eyes shining out in the darkness.
My body freezes, and I drop the water bladder. Dark images immediately flash through my mind. Not me. Not me.
A big, horned form steps forward, blue chest without his normal vest, tail twitching against one legging-clad thigh. Salukh. Shocked relief spirals through me and I stagger. My body’s trembling, my mind gone back to that terrible place. Did I think I was unsettled before? I’m practically crawling out of my skin now.
Salukh moves to my side and hitches my cloak around my shoulders from where it’s fallen. “Careful,” he murmurs in a low voice. “You’re near to falling into the fire.”
Am I? I can’t stop shaking. My fingers pluck at the cloak, but I can’t seem to grip it. I’m freaking out. I should calm myself, pick up Kira’s waterskin that’s leaking its contents all over the cold stone floor, but I can’t move.
His big, warm hand caresses my cheek. Suede knuckles trace my jaw. “Tee-fah-nee? Are you well?”
His touch is oddly comforting. I lean into it, and then push forward until I’m pressing my cheek to his bare chest. So warm. So strong. So safe. “Will you come hold me while I sleep?”
Salukh’s body tenses, and then he strokes my back. “Of course.”
I’m so relieved. I take his hand in mine and pull him back toward my cave. I won’t have to face the night alone. I do feel a bit guilty for sneaking a guy back to my bed. Feels a bit like when I was growing up back on my aunt’s farm and I’d sneak a boy into my room. Of course, that boy would have expected to get laid. Salukh doesn’t expect that of me. He just wants me to be comforted.
I put the privacy screen in place as Salukh walks in after me, and then peer over at Josie’s furs. She’s moved to the far side of the cave, her face to the wall. She’s such an awesome friend. She’s giving us as much privacy as she can, and I love her for it. I lead Salukh over to my pallet of furs and sink down. He immediately climbs in next to me and stretches his big body out. He’s also taking up most of the bed, but I can’t find it in me to care. I just like that he’s here.
I pull my cloak off and toss it aside, then snuggle up next to him. My cheek goes to his chest and I give a small sigh of contentment. His big form chases the shadows away.
He presses his mouth to my brow and his arms go around me. One big hand starts to stroke my back, and I slide an arm around his torso. My body is hugged against his, and oh, God, it feels amazing. I’m warm and safe, and all of my anxiety feels as if it’s slipping away. If his tail is twitching slightly, I can ignore it. It doesn’t spoil the utter perfection of having him here against me.
“Thank you,” I whisper.
“You do not need to thank me,” he murmurs into my ear, hot breath tickling my skin. “I find great pleasure in holding you.”
Yeah, well, he isn’t the only one. I find great pleasure in him holding me, too.
“Are you well?” his hand moves to my hair and he brushes my curls back from my face. “You seemed nervous all day.”
“Just a lot of unwanted attention,” I tell him. I don’t want to think about it any more, though. I just want to relax and forget about it until tomorrow, when I have to face reality again. I nestle in against him and press my body closer to his.
His hand slides up and down
my spine, caressing me. Over and over, he’s just touching me and holding me. It feels so good that a small sigh escapes me and I find myself stroking his skin in response. My fingers glide over the raised-up ridges along his arm, and then over the taut muscles. His skin is velvety soft, but the body underneath is so firm and so perfect it’s like he’s been hewn from stone.
I can’t stop touching him…and I don’t want to. I’m enjoying exploring his body, because he feels safe. I know that Salukh would never hurt me. He would never lose control and attack me. To him, I’m a person and a friend. To the aliens that kidnapped me, I was just spare cargo. My life didn’t matter.
To Taushen, Hassen, Vaza and Bek, I’m not really a person, either. I’m a trophy, a prize to be won. None of them have shown any interest in me as a person. They don’t know that I have fun with the leather-making or that I want to grow crops. No one has ever asked me about my childhood, or what I think about anything. I’m pretty and I’m available, and that’s all they need to know.
But Salukh is different. When he looks at me…it’s like no one else in the world exists. And every time he looks at me that way, it seems to pierce me right to my soul. Even now I shiver, just thinking about his intense gaze resting on me, like he wants to take me back to his furs and devour me in dirty, naughty ways.
And for the first time in what feels like forever, the thought of something like that happening doesn’t freak me out. Instead, I’m curious and aroused at what the thought of sex with Salukh might be like.
To be fair, I should probably start with kisses, though. Baby steps.
He rubs my shoulders vigorously and tightens the furs around us. “You are trembling.”
“Just thinking.” His chest is so close to my lips I could practically brush them against him. The thought is tempting.
“You should stop doing that.”