by Ruby Dixon
“Ready to go?” Josie calls out to me, snowshoes in hand. She’s bundled up in several layers of furs, and those furs are strapped down to her chest with a leather harness to keep them from flapping in the wind and catching the cold air. I’m dressed similarly, even though it’s hot in the cave. It’ll be cold once we get out in the elements, and my khui won’t be able to keep up.
Kira’s nearby, ready to see us off. She’s made breakfast for us, and is now breastfeeding her baby. Her mate went off hunting earlier, so she’s by herself. Other than that, the cave is rather empty.
“I’m ready,” I tell her and give one last smile to Farli, a pat on the head to Chompy, and then head over to her side. Josie hands me a second pair of snowshoes and we head to the mouth of the cave, where Taushen is waiting for us, all eager grins.
He’s clearly excited for this trip. I wish I could feel the same enthusiasm, but all I feel is the same familiar dread. I’ll have to pay a lot of attention to Taushen on this trip. He won fair and square and I should at least reward him, even if the reward is just listening to him talk about his favorite subject: me.
There’s a few people lingering near the mouth of the cave to see us off. Kira’s nursing Kae, Haeden is watching, and two of the elders sit by the fire. I’m surprised that Salukh is nowhere to be seen, nor my other failed suitors. It must be intentional.
Taushen holds out our packs, both filled with extra furs, water-skins, fire-making implements, bone-knives, and the spicy travel-rations that the sa-khui love. “The morning grows late. Let us get started.”
“We’re on it,” Josie says, and bends down to put on her snowshoes. I do the same.
“I don’t like this,” announces a hard voice. I look up in surprise to see Haeden frowning down at us. “It’s not safe.”
Josie shrugs. “Why do you care?”
“I don’t.” He spits the word at us and straightens to his full height, all imposing horns and blue muscle. “But it is foolish to go to the Elders Cave now, with only one hunter to guide you. The South caves are further away from the Elders’ Cave than the main cave is. You should wait until we rejoin the other cave and go with a large party, when it is safer.”
“It is an easy walk of a day and a half,” Taushen says, jogging up to us.
“Humans are slow,” Haeden sneers, giving the younger hunter a disgusted look. “Did you consider that? Did you bring enough travel rations to accommodate for the fact that they are weak?”
“Jesus, what is your problem?” Josie glares at him and looks as if she wants to hit him with her other snowshoe. “We’re going and that’s final. Or are you pissy because you can’t come along?”
His lip curls as he gazes down at her. “I do not wish to go.”
“I don’t want you to go either!”
“But it does not change the fact that you should stay here.” He points at the cave floor. “It is safe here.”
“We’re going to get the language laser beam and you can’t stop us!” She’s practically hopping in anger, not an easy feat given that one of her snowshoes is strapped on.
I just look over at Taushen. “Are we going on a dangerous path?”
He shakes his head. “It’s very clear and not close to any watering holes. There are no metlak caves and very few snowcats travel the paths we shall take because they prefer the cliffs. Ours is a straight walk so easy we send kits out on it on their first hunts alone.” He’s frowning at Haeden in confusion, as if he doesn’t understand the man’s anger at letting us go. “It is very safe.”
“Taushen won this prize fair and square,” Josie retorts. “If you wanted to win maybe you should have competed, Mister Crabby Pants.”
“If this is his reward, then let Tafinee and Taushen go. You stay here. You do not need to go along and slow them down.”
Josie’s eyes widen and she sputters. “Fuck you! I’m going! I don’t know why you care anyhow – you don’t like it when I’m here, and now you don’t like it when I try to leave. Make up your freaking mind!”
His eyes narrow with anger at the small human defying him. “I shall speak to Aehako about this.”
“Who do you think gave me the friggin’ snowshoes, you idiot?” She waves one under his nose.
Haeden snarls and then turns away, stomping back to his cave, his tail lashing angrily. I watch with wide eyes as he leaves. I don’t understand the dynamic between him and Josie. If he hates her so much, why does he care if she goes or not? Shouldn’t he be glad she’s leaving for a while, because now she won’t bother him with her incessant talking and singing and needling him with comments?
“I do not understand him,” Taushen says to me.
Boy, at least it’s not just me, then. I turn to look at him. “Do we have everything?”
He rubs one ear. “I should get more rations…just in case. And another set of water skins.”
“We’ll wait here,” I tell him and smile. I should smile at him, right? To make him feel like he won a reward instead of just being our tour guide? I don’t hate the guy. He’s young and sweet, but I’m just…not interested in the slightest. Still, if anyone had to win other than Salukh, I’m glad it’s Taushen. Spending three or four days with Bek might have broken me. His anger scares me in a way Haeden’s never does. Maybe because Haeden’s anger is never directed at anyone but Josie? Who knows. I watch Taushen disappear into one of the storage caves. If it couldn’t be Salukh, I am glad it had to be Taushen.
Speaking of Salukh…I glance around the near-empty early morning cave. “Where are all the hunters?”
Kira pulls baby Kae from her breast and starts to burp her. “Did you not hear them all leave early this morning? Aehako sent them all out on the trails. They’ll be back in a few days.”
I try to hide my disappointment. Out on the trails? That means no goodbye from Salukh. I wanted to see his face one more time before I set out, even though I know he’s got to be stinging with disappointment right now. “Oh, okay.”
Why does that hurt my feelings? I didn’t stick up for him and declare that he should be my man. I let this stupid contest go on. It’s my own fault. And yet…I was hoping he’d be around. That maybe I could somehow convince him to go with us. That I could at least say goodbye for a few days.
Guess not. Guess saying goodbye to me wasn’t important to him.
As if she can sense my dismay, Kira wags a finger in my direction. “Don’t stay out too long,” she chides us. “It’s going to be boring here in the caves with just me and Farli. Aehako will be back, but late tonight. That dvisti of yours is going to get showered with attention while you’re gone, just because we’re going to be so bored.”
I laugh despite my disappointment. “He’ll probably love that. Tell Farli thank you for me?” She knows the language.
She nods and we hug briefly. Taushen returns, and then it’s time to go.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t scan the horizon for Salukh as we left.
• • •
Traveling on Not-Hoth is not fun. The snow is endless, and even when both suns are high in the sky, it’s not even remotely close to warm. I imagine this is what Antarctica is like, but the light the suns give off is so faint that we don’t have to worry about sun-blindness. And no penguins, which is a shame. I would have kind of liked to see penguins.
What we do have, though, is snow. Lots and lots of snow and cold air. It snows a little as we walk, dusting our hair, but it’s not enough to slow us down. Taushen is all eagerness, chatting constantly as Josie and I do our best to keep a good pace, our snowshoes dragging in the powder. As far as the sa-khui are concerned, this is fantastic travel weather. It’s mostly clear, the snow isn’t too thick on the ground, and for them, it’s warm. Meanwhile my fingers feel like blocks of ice, my toes feel like they could snap off in my heavily padded boots, and I keep wishing for someplace to sit down and rest. I’m sweating under my thick furs, which makes them stick to my body and ice up. The khui inside me helps me stay warm, but
humans are still too fragile to go running around half-naked like the sa-khui.
By the time it’s midday, I’m exhausted and Josie’s steps are slowing, too. Our cheery, light conversation of earlier in the day has dwindled to nothing. Now we just pant and lift our feet, one after the other. At least the terrain is relatively flat. As Taushen said, it’s a baby trail by their standards.
Nevertheless, I’m thrilled when our guide jogs back up to us – jogs!! – and suggests we rest for a time in the protective shade of a nearby cliff. Josie and I gratefully collapse against the stone cliff wall, and even though the rocky base isn’t the most comfortable spot and it’s cold in the shade, there’s no breeze.
“Wait here and I shall hunt you both something fresh to eat. I saw a quill-beast’s tracks nearby.” Taushen holds his spear eagerly. “Will you eat my kill if I provide?”
“Sounds great,” I tell him, offering a thumbs up.
“You’re so sweet, Taushen,” Josie says, beaming at him. “Thank you.”
He grins at both of us and then leaps away, bounding through the snow like a big blue gazelle. He’s got so much energy, and I’m so dang tired already. I can’t believe we have a day and a half of walking to do. Maybe Haeden was right and we are too weak to do this. Too late now, I suppose.
I pull off one of my gloves and tuck my hand into the front of my thick jacket, pressing my cold fingers against my warm throat. “This is…less fun than I imagined.”
“It sucks,” Josie agrees cheerfully. “You’re allowed to say that.”
“It does suck. I’m sorry you came with me. You didn’t have to.” Josie has been a great friend, but I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. It reminds me all too much of the relentless cold we endured in that week of hell when we were waiting for Georgie to come back with a rescue. It also makes me realize how spoiled we are with the sa-khui to protect us and keep us warm and safe in our comfy caves. The males hunt tirelessly while we putter around in the caves. Sure, there’s a lot – okay, an endless – stream of chores to do, but compared to this? I don’t know how Liz does it. I can’t wait to be back home around my fire and playing with my leatherwork.
“I have to admit…I’m not doing it just for you,” Josie says, adjusting a strap on her snowshoes.
“Oh?”
She gives me a sly look. “I’m going to use the sick bay computer and have my IUD taken out, like Kira had her translator taken out.”
My jaw drops a little. “You are?”
“I am.” She gives a happy little sigh and sits up, hugging herself. “I’m ready for my happy ever after, you know? I want to resonate to someone. I want babies. I want a mate that will love me. I’m tired of being single and unloved.”
I stare at her dreamy face, envious of her confidence. She assumes that the khui is going to fix all of her problems. That it’ll match her up with the perfect man and she’ll immediately be in love with the guy that puts a baby in her. It’s romantic, sure, but it’s also overly optimistic. What if it matches her up to one of the elders who never mated? What if it matches her to someone she hates?
What if it matches her to someone who decides to take what he wants instead of asking for permission?
I shudder at the thought. I’m envious of Josie. Her decision might be right for her, but I’m still living in fear of what might happen if I do resonate. Sure, I might be hooked up with the man of my dreams…but I might also be hooked up with a pure nightmare.
Right now, I’m just happy I haven’t resonated to anyone. There’s no one I want to mate.
Even as I think it, though, my mind goes back to Salukh. Salukh with his velvety skin, intense gaze, and the way he touches me so sweetly, never demanding. He lets me take the lead and is infinitely patient. He makes me feel like every touch is a gift that I’ve given to him.
I’m lying to myself when I say I wouldn’t want to resonate to anyone. I’d take Salukh and I’d take him gladly. If he can help me get over my fear of sex, he can help me learn to love again. He’s kind and generous and looks at me as if I’m a slice of chocolate cake he can’t wait to eat up.
I just worry I messed things up and when we get back, his hot, possessive stare will have changed to one of distaste.
Maybe I missed my chance with him. The thought is a depressing one.
Chapter Thirteen
SALUKH
I watch in the distance as Taushen hurries off, leaving the two human women alone and vulnerable at the base of the cliff. Anger surges through me and I push it away.
They are not unprotected; I am here to watch them.
It’s a foolish move for Taushen to make, and yet I understand it. He is eager to win over the humans with fresh game, and is torn between guarding them and providing for them. Still, it is not the choice I would have made, and it angers me to see Tee-fah-nee’s small form huddled in the shadows of the rock. A snowcat could wander in this direction. A herd of dvisti might cross the plains and trample them. A scythe-beak might decide to swoop down and investigate, and their beaks are like swords. Just because it looks safe does not mean it is.
I clutch my spear close. It is a good thing I ignored Aehako’s command to go hunting and followed them instead. I am hunched low on my belly in the snow, downwind from Taushen’s trail. They will not see me unless they look up, and judging from the tired posture of the humans, that is not a worry.
Tee-fah-nee’s hair springs forth as she lowers her hood, and I can see her movements as she talks to Josie. She looks tired, and it takes every bit of control in my body to not clamber down the side of the cliff and go to her side, to swing her over my shoulder and carry her all the way to the Elders’ Cave.
Is this how Vektal felt when he first saw his Georgie? Then I remind myself that he and Georgie resonated, and my heart is heavy with sadness.
Why do you not claim her, my khui? You know she is the one for us.
My breast is silent, and my heart remains heavy and alone.
I stay at my watch post, unmoving, as the women relax and stretch their legs, talking. Eventually Taushen returns with a fresh kill, and I relax a little. The women eat, and then they put back on their snowshoes and the trio head off into the snow again. As I watch, Tee-fah-nee stumbles and I leap to my feet, my heart racing.
They stop. Taushen and Josie both go back to Tee-fah-nee’s side. My female picks herself up off the snow, pushes away their helpful hands, and adjusts her snowshoe. Then they begin to walk again.
She limps, though, and I fight a surge of irritation that Taushen would push her so hard that she would harm herself.
She should be pampered. She should be carried if her leg hurts her.
She should be mine.
TIFFANY
Rolling my ankle makes an already un-fun trip even more miserable. Josie and Taushen are both worried about me, but I shrug off their concerns. I tell them that I’m fine. What option do I have otherwise? We’re too far from the South caves to go back, and we might as well continue forward. So I soldier on, ignoring the pain in my ankle as much as I can.
We stop that night in one of the small ‘hunter’ caves and it’s eye-opening to me. Taushen explains to Josie and I that these small caves are all along the tribe’s hunting grounds and are used as shelters for those out on the trails. The cave we stop in is small, barely tall enough for either Josie or I to stand up in; Taushen has to squat. There’s enough room for all three of us to lie down, but barely. Taushen ends up putting his furs by the cave opening so Josie and I can have the interior. My ankle throbs and it’s cold despite the small fire we start. All in all, it’s not a fun night and it makes me appreciate the tribe cave even more with its big interior and the friendly faces that are always present.
When we get up the next morning, my ankle is swollen to twice the size it was before. It’s tender to the touch, and walking on it is excruciating. Josie helps me wrap it tight in the hopes that I’ll be able to limp along, but I can’t even close my boot, much less fasten my snowshoe on
my boot.
“What do we do?” Josie asks, a worried look on her face. “Can you walk at all?”
“I’ll have to,” I tell her tightly. There’s no other option. I can’t force all three of us to stay in the cave; it’s not warm enough for a long stay. Plus, there’s a machine that can fix wounds and ailments back at the Elders’ Cave aka the old space ship. “Might as well keep going. We’re close to the Elders’ Cave anyhow, right?” I look to Taushen for reassurance.
“Half a day’s walk if we keep a brisk pace,” he says, frowning down at my leg. “Longer if not.”
“It’s going to be longer,” I say with a wince. “I’ll keep up as best I can.”
“Should you even walk?” Josie asks.
“I can carry her,” Taushen volunteers. “It would be an honor.” His voice is breathless with excitement, his eyes bright.
“I can walk,” I snap. The last thing I want to do is spend the day draped over Taushen and feeling like I owe him. No thank you.
He stiffens and I know I’ve hurt his feelings. The old anxiety and tension returns, and for a moment I hold my breath, worried he’s going to lash out…or worse.
“Let us go, then. The morning grows late.” Taushen’s voice is wounded, his shoulders slightly hunched as if protecting himself from my anger.
I release a pent-up breath and get to my feet. My ankle throbs in response, but I ignore it. “Can I borrow your spear to use as a crutch?”
He hesitates. “What if I need to protect you?”
“Then you can come and snatch it from me?” I extend my hand outward. “I promise I won’t put up a fight over that.”
He doesn’t look happy, but in the end hands it over. “I still would rather carry you.”
“I’m sure you would,” I say, and force myself to keep my voice sweet. “But I can walk.” And I give a hobbling step just to prove that I can.