by Lund, S. E.
“Julien,” I say and pull back. “Michel…”
“I know,” he says and cups my cheek. “We’ve,” he says and hesitates. “Spoken.”
“Then you know I have to choose…”
He nods. “Of course you’ll come with me. You have to.” He takes my face in his hands, strokes my cheek with a thumb. “You don't want that life – the one Michel's promised you. A life with him as his blood slave fighting some ridiculous war for control of the world,” he says, his voice angered. “You want to be with me as my partner. My love.”
I step away, shaking my head.
“Michel said something very bad is coming. He said he needs me to fight Dominion.”
Julien shakes his head. “There’s more than one way to fight Dominion, Eve. You were meant to work as a Blood Witness. With me. It’s what your mother wanted. This is what we were meant to do.”
“Michel said—.”
“I know what Michel said, Eve," he says and steps closer again. "He doesn’t know everything. He thinks he can predict the future, control it. He’s a bit insane, I think.”
“We’ve been together, " I say, but quickly add. "We haven't had sex, but he fed me and we slept in the same bed.”
He nods. “I’d kill him if I could bear it, cut off his head and burn his body, but I can’t. He only did what I would have done if the roles had been reversed.”
“You aren’t mad at me?”
“How could I be?” he says and shakes his head, touching my face with the backs of his fingers. “What we’re doing to you…” He sighs. “Now, go back to your room and pack up your bags. I'll send some guards with you. Michel's … busy. He won't bother you. Then, come to me. You don’t want to go with him, Eve. He’s trying to defeat Soren all by himself, but he won’t be able to without risking your life. I won’t do that. I’ll protect you. Don’t let his talk of doom and gloom make you choose out of fear. I love you. I’ll love you completely and totally. You are everything to me. I’ll give you everything you want.” He kisses me. “I’ll make you happy. He won’t.”
He turns me around and points to the entrance to the dorm. “Now, go. I have to sign you out and then I’ll be waiting by my rental car in the parking lot. Hurry. We don’t have much time.”
“What do you mean, much time?”
“Just go.”
I leave the field, and two of the guards follow me into the dorm and stand outside the door to my tiny room. I pack up my things, my hands shaking, my heart pounding in my ears. I’m not really even thinking. I just pack, my mind blank.
Then I hear a scuffle outside my door.
I turn to face it and when the door opens, it’s Michel. He closes the door behind him and adjusts his clothing, which are bloody and there's a hole in his shirt over his heart as if he's been staked.
He’s just taken down both guards outside my door. Julien’s guards.
When I see him, my heart jumps. “Michel,” I say, my throat closing up. "What happened to you?"
"What do you think happened?" he says and touches the fabric. "Julien staked me."
"With a wooden stake?"
"Yes."
"He wouldn't."
"Oh, he would," he says, shaking his head. "He planned on keeping me in stasis for an indeterminate time back at the SCU. What he didn't know is that I'm immune to that now."
"You can't be killed with a stake?"
He shrugs his shoulders. "Hurts terribly and disables me, but is no more effective now than a metal weapon."
"Because of your ascension. But why doesn't Julien know?"
"He doesn't know everything, Eve. I can't even tell him or risk his life as well."
"Michel, you can't do this – you can't try to save the world all by yourself."
He steps closer to me. "I have no choice."
I feel incredible guilt that I was going to leave with Julien. “Michel, I'm going to--.”
“I know what you were going to do,” he says and takes my hand, immobilizing me with his powers, pulling me over to the bed. He sits down and then pulls me onto his lap so that I straddle his hips the way I did that day in his cottage.
“As usual, Julien sweeps in like some conquering warlord and overwhelms you with his words of love, his passionate nature. He’s relying on his ability to overwhelm you, Eve, to convince you to go with him – just like he did that day on the beach.”
“Maybe I want someone like him," I say and I can see those words, that thought, hurt him, watch the pain cross his face as if he's been struck. "And what about you?” I say, angered despite what he's done to me. “What are you relying on to convince me to go with you?”
“Only your sense of duty.”
I shake my head. “Julien says you’re deluded.”
“He’s hardly unbiased.”
“What am I supposed to do, Michel?” I say, genuinely confused. “I love you both, each in your own way.”
“I know,” he says and brushes hair off my cheek. “But come with me, help me stop Soren. I need you.”
I look at him, at his beautiful face, his eyes so blue, thick black lashes fringing them, his long hair a mess, tucked behind his ears. I stroke his face, his cheek, and he leans into my hand, his eyes closing. When he opens them again, his eyes are wet.
“Julien wants me.”
“I want you, too. Every moment of every day, Eve. Don’t think he loves you more than I do.”
I don’t know what to say. Julien loves me more intensely. I feel the difference when they touch me. When they connect to me. Michel’s passion is steady and strong, but Julien… Julien’s passion is almost desperate. Like he’d do anything for me. Michel will follow his course, no matter what I choose. The mission comes first, like he said.
Julien will give up the fight.
I don’t know whether to believe this vision of a hellish future Michel talks about.
"I can't go with you if you lie to me. If you hide things from me. I have to have the truth. All of it."
He inhales deeply, his brow furrowed.
"What did Huxley write? You shall know the truth and the truth shall drive you mad."
“Better a cruel truth than a comfortable delusion," I reply. "Edward Abbey.”
He closes his eyes for a moment.
“I can’t tell you the truth, don’t you understand?” he says and pulls back, taking my face in his hands. “If I do, I kill you! How many times do I have to tell you this?”
“You’re insane.”
I try to push him away, try to extract myself from his arms but he won’t let me go, and he’s almost desperate, pulling me against him, using his greater power to lift me up and turn me over, pinning me beneath him on the bed, his hands holding mine above my head. Only a day ago that would have aroused me, but now it only feels like assault.
“Eve, I love you,” he says and kisses me, forcing himself on me, his hand cupping my cheek.
Finally, when I don't give in, he stops and breaks the kiss, momentarily pressing his lips against my neck where he bit me. Then he rises up and lets go of me. He wipes his eyes and adjusts his coat. He walks stiffly to the door, leaving me on the bed, my heart pounding.
He stands in the entry for a moment as if he’s trying to regain control over himself.
“When you realize the mistake you’ve made, send me a message if you can. Find a way. If I don’t hear from you when it all falls apart, I'll come for you.”
Then he leaves.
I sit on the bed and cry, weeping, because despite my anger at him for all the lies and deception, part of me knows he did it all out of loyalty to his mission. He thought he was doing the right thing. It wasn’t because he wanted to win me. It was because he felt he needed to keep me from knowing his plans. But I can’t be with a man who doesn’t trust me enough to tell me the truth.
I go to Julien.
Chapter 61
"If I had a flower for each time I thought of you I could walk through my garden forever."
&n
bsp; Alfred Lord Tennyson
* * *
We drive away from the abbey and when I glance back, Michel is standing at the courtyard gate, watching. I can’t help it. Tears fill my eyes and I hate myself for hurting him. It will hurt him to see me go. It will break his heart – he said it would. But I can’t go with him to this life he told me about based on nothing more than his visions of some dark future that hasn’t happened.
More than that, I can’t imagine saying no to Julien. He needs me more than Michel. Michel will go on with his grand plans to be the hero no matter what I say.
If I chose Michel, Julien would give up completely and join a monastery, go into cloister, until I’m dead. I’ve seen it in his mind. He can’t face a future without me. Michel needs me for his plans. Julien needs me for his very existence.
How can I say no to that kind of love?
"You staked Michel," I say, my voice breaking.
"It was the only way to stop him. I see it failed." Julien takes my hand and squeezes when he sees the tears on my cheeks. “I’m sorry,” he says, and he releases an endorphin in me to make me less sad. "I did it to protect you."
“Don’t,” I say and pull my hand away. “Let me feel my emotions.” I just sit there as the French countryside flies by, barely noticing the beauty of the tall trees surrounding me, highlighted by the full moon. I blink away my tears and bite my cheek to keep my emotions from Michel, just in case he’s reading me from a distance and knows I’m sad. I don’t want him to take hope from it because if he knows how hard this is for me, he might take it as a sign to come after me. I need some time with Julien. Just Julien, so I can know how I feel.
“You should never have met us.” Julien drives through the hills down the mountain towards Carcassonne. “You’d be in school now, studying cell biology and molecular genetics and would be a blissfully normal cat lady in waiting.”
“Don’t remind me,” I say, and I don’t even smile at his attempt at humor. I know that will hurt him but right now, I’m not feeling the bliss I thought this decision would give me. I only feel conflicted.
He says nothing in reply.
Then I feel bad for hurting him and take his hand once more. “I’m sorry. I just need some time to process all this.”
“I know.” He squeezes my hand, threading his fingers through mine. “We’ll stay in Toulouse overnight and then fly back to Boston tomorrow morning. I’m afraid you won’t have much downtime. Vasquez wants us working right away on the River Man case. There’s been a new development and we’ve got a new murder to investigate upstate.”
“Julien,” I say as exasperation builds in me. “I already told you Soren is the killer. I felt it when I met him and he held my hand.”
Julien smiles at me, staring at my mouth. "You are so tempting, Eve. But Soren's got an alibi for every murder. He’s not the one.”
I shake my head at him. Soren’s compelled him to believe that. There is nothing I can say that will change his mind. I have to just ignore it, but if I’m right, and I know I am, the River Man case will continue on and on without any resolution.
* * *
We arrive in Toulouse much later and I’m so tired after all the stress and emotion that even after I drink Julien’s blood, I’m in no mood for sex and he doesn’t try to convince me. He doesn’t even try to get me in the mood. He lets me sleep alone in the other double bed, giving me the distance I need without protest.
It feels so strange for him to be there on the other bed after we’ve been parted for two weeks. But I'm overwhelmed with sadness and confusion about this choice I've made. We lie there in the darkness, and his breathing is loud in the stillness of the hotel room.
“Do you hate me for being with him? Nothing happened,” I add. "But he slept with me in the same bed, kissed me, fed me his blood…"
The sheets rustle on the other bed, and he sighs heavily.
“No, of course not,” he says, but there’s a hint of pain in his voice that he can’t disguise “What we’re doing to you – it’s almost unforgivable. But you have to understand us, Eve. We love you. Neither of us is willing to give up. I’m surprised Michel has, but I suspect he’s just lying in wait in the hope I’ll fail to make you happy and then he’ll step in, the hero. But I won’t fail, Eve.”
“He said you would make me happy. He also said the sky will fall and I’ll go with him to help save the world.”
“He’s insane.”
I lie in the darkness and wonder what Michel’s doing. Where is he staying? Carcassonne? Is he in Toulouse as well? Does he know, even now, what’s passing between Julien and me?
“Go to sleep, Eve. We have an early flight. If you need me to, I can put you to sleep.”
I start to cry at that and in an instant he’s there, lying beside me, cradling my head in his arms. He strokes my cheek and the last thing I feel before sleep overwhelms me are his lips pressed against my forehead.
* * *
I wake in the morning and don’t feel much better. My sleep was interrupted during the night with dreams of vague danger that never seemed to take full shape. Julien’s already up and has showered. He comes out of the bathroom with a thick white towel wrapped around his waist and he’s so beautiful my heart squeezes at the sight of him. His hair is wet, his lashes clumped together. Beads of water form on his bare chest. He just stands at the window and looks out the window at the courtyard below our room, toweling his hair dry.
He’s mine now. That thought gives me a little jolt of lust but it’s still too soon for me to just be with him. I’m still guilty for what happened with his brother for although I didn't have sex with Michel, I wanted to. I kissed him. I slept in the same bed with him. I wanted him.
I think of Marguerite having them both, one after the other in front of each other and it makes me sick. I will never be her. I will choose one of them.
I can’t believe I’ve just thought that I will choose one of them, as if I haven’t just chosen.
What’s wrong with me? Why is there still a question mark in my mind?
* * *
After a quick breakfast in a quaint café down the street from the hotel, we take a taxi to the airport and start our long journey back to Boston. Julien sits beside me and holds my hand and I’m only too happy that he releases some calming endorphin in my brain to take away my fear of flying. I doze through the long flight and through our connection to Boston, the time passing like I’m in a drug-induced dream.
He practically carries me into the warehouse and deposits me on the bed in his white bedroom, almost twenty-four hours after leaving France. When it’s time for me to feed, he offers me his wrist instead of his neck as I normally would have chosen. The blood does nothing to arouse me. It merely takes away the ache in my body.
I fall sleep and when I awaken, it's night and I'm alone in the bed. I get up and have a much-needed shower. The door to the shower opens and Julien is standing there, naked.
“May I join you or is it too soon?”
I shake my head, my heart heavy, suddenly shy. “Too soon.”
He nods and closes the door once more, leaving me alone with shampoo in my hair. I finish washing and get out of the shower, dry off, then wrap my bathrobe around me.
I go to where he stands by the window, looking out over the Boston cityscape. He’s no longer naked, but is wearing only his boxer briefs.
“You must understand,” I say and take his hand, squeezing it briefly. “I feel like such a…” I say, struggling for words. “Like a whore. A heartless bitch, going between you two like I have.”
“Shh,” he says and cups my cheek, his blue eyes so soft. “Hardly heartless. Quite the opposite. And not a whore – never. How could you even use such a word for yourself? It’s us, Michel and me, who should feel bad, forcing ourselves on you. Never you.”
He pulls me into his arms and I let him, not fighting his touch for I need it now. But even so, despite the closeness of his half-naked body and the delicious ache of n
eed I feel in him when we connect, I resist him and he once more lets me, not pushing.
* * *
We eat a meal, and I feel Vasily’s absence.
“Where’s Vasily?” I say, glancing around.
“Still in Ipswich and back with Michel now. He’s semi-retired, I guess. Still does some work for Michel, but it’s mostly management rather than security.” He takes a drink of coffee and grins. “Just you and me, babe. No servants yet. I haven’t even looked. Been too busy trying to win back the love of my life.”
I smile, my heart aching. I reach out and take his hand. “I don’t need a servant. I just miss him.”
He squeezes my hand back. “We’ll get someone to come and clean the place, do the shopping and maybe some cooking. You’re not a housekeeper, Eve. You’re not a cook. I’ve been a bit distracted from that kind of thing. Drink up,” he says and points to my coffee. “Vasquez is meeting us at the SCU. Guess he’s putting on civvies and is taking over Ed’s place, if you can believe it. They wanted me to run the joint, but I’m more of an operations kind of guy and hate administrative bullshit. Like to get my hands dirty.”
* * *
As we drive to the SCU, Julien fills in the details of my last days there as a Blood Witness working for the Council. I was fired, according to my journal.
“Why did Vasquez fire me?”
“He threw you to the wolves because Soren didn’t accept his bait. Vasquez wanted to bring Soren into his plot for Dominion.”
“Vasquez is out for Dominion? Why is he working for the SCU?”
“We’re letting him. There’s an old saying that is very true, Eve. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
“He sent me to Ramallah to tempt Soren into taking me as his Adept, right?”
Julien nods. “Soren doesn’t want to head Blackstone. He has his eye on bigger fish.”
“The Church.”
“Yes,” he says. "Vasquez wanted Soren at the head of Blackstone as a figurehead because of his power with the military. When Soren didn’t bite, Vasquez decided on a different course.”