by Lund, S. E.
“I wish you didn’t have to be so cryptic.”
“You know why I have to.”
I do know why. I inhale deeply and close my eyes, leaning against the back of my chair in an attempt to relax and let it go. I have to remember that this is all because Soren can read me and through me, know everything. I have to be in the dark. I understand now that to be the case.
Then I think that perhaps that’s why Soren’s trying to push us together. He wants to read Michel through me and discover whether Michel is plotting against him. Soren knows that the only time I can read him is when I’m connected to him when we make love. It will be different if we do. He’s no longer a vampire or ascended so it will all be on me to connect with him.
Then of course, I think maybe he’ll turn me down.
He’s serious about his vows, but he did kiss me back and gladly lay on top of me when I kissed him…
There’s nothing I can do so I try to shut off my mind and let what is going to happen, just happen.
He either will or he won’t.
* * *
We return to our rooms and spend the rest of the day together, reading old newspapers, talking about the plague and Soren’s cure for vampirism. We talk about nothing important. It’s small talk, but it relaxes us both and I wonder what will happen if and when I’ll have the chance to make my move.
Finally, Michel stands up and stretches. “It’s almost time for dinner,” he says and looks at me from under a frown. “How are you feeling? Are you recovered?”
I nod. “Yes.”
“Good. If you need anything, let me know. I’ll make sure you get it. I had better go and freshen up.”
“Okay,” I say and stand up. We stand there together, looking at each other, and then he smiles softly.
“I’ll see you in the dining room.”
“Okay.”
I feel bad that I’ve missed my chance, and then he turns back to me.
“Eve,” he says and steps closer.
I decide that now is as good a time as ever and I step closer to him as well. I place my hand behind his head and pull him down to me, our lips meeting like it was second nature to us and there hasn’t been this divide between us all these past weeks. He kisses me back with abandon, his arms going around my waist, pulling me against him and the fact he’s wearing a set of vestments doesn’t seem to stop him, or slow him down, in any measurable way.
I pull back, breaking our kiss, my heart pounding, my breathing fast. “Michel,” I say, wanting to say the words so I have cemented my bargain with Soren, but Michel doesn’t give me a chance.
“Shh,” he says. “You don’t have to say anything.” He pulls me against him once more and tries to kiss me but I stop him.
“Michel,” I gasp when he kisses my throat. “Your vows…”
He pauses, his mouth lingering over my throat. “I want you, Eve. I don’t care anymore about my vows.”
He licks up my neck to my jaw and then kisses my ear and in spite of myself, a jolt of desire flows through my body right to my core. It would be so easy to let this happen, and not fight it. But I have to say the words.
“Michel, will you make love to me?”
Michel pulls away, frowning. “Why would you even have to ask?” he says, his voice hoarse with desire.
“But you said you were celibate.”
I look in his eyes, trying to see what I can read in them. I don’t want him to hate me because of this. He’s frowning.
“Did Soren force you to offer yourself?” he says, his body suddenly stiff.
I don’t know whether I can say yes or no without breaking the terms of my agreement with Soren.
So I don’t answer. Instead, I kiss him again, hoping that he’ll be the one to push me away.
“Stop, Eve,” he says and holds me at arm’s length. “Did Soren force you to try to seduce me?”
“Why would you ask?” I say, my arms crossed.
“Because,” he says and runs his hands through his hair. “He told me that you’d eventually come to me and offer yourself to me. That you still loved me and wanted me. That I was your first love and you would never get over me. He told me that I had to accept your offer if I wanted him to keep you alive.”
“Fuck,” I say, surprising even myself. I glance away, my anger so strong at that moment, I want to punch something. “I’m sorry. He made me do it in return for proof that he would stop the plague.”
Michel sits on the wing chair, running his hands through his hair. “He’s playing us both. He’s using my love of you to make me break my vows. He’s using your sense of morality to make you try to tempt me.”
I sigh and sit beside him on the other wing chair. “I should have known. I didn’t think you’d willingly break your vows. I thought you’d resist. He really does want to torture us both.”
He runs a hand through his hair. “I’m so sorry,” he says and looks deeply in my eyes. “I never intended any of this to happen.”
“The road to hell and all that…” I say, a sick feeling in my gut. “I fulfilled my side of the bargain,” I say out loud to Soren. “I tried to seduce him. I kissed him.”
“But you hesitated,” Michel says from under a furrowed brow. “When you did, I felt a hesitancy in you. I didn’t really believe Soren when he told me those things, although I wanted to.”
“You wanted to believe it?”
“Of course. I love you, Eve. We just can’t be together now. I’ve accepted that. I have other things to do than be your lover, as have you.”
He looks resigned to it, his mouth pressed thin, his shoulders slumping.
Still, it warms my heart to think he wishes we could be together. As much as I love Julien, there is still a part of my heart that belongs only to Michel and I suspect it always will. There’s a part of my heart that can never completely belong to Julien. But I’m afraid that I can’t see Michel and me together again in any way. I know I have to choose, and when everything is considered, Julien is the man for me.
He loves me in a way that I need someone to love me. Completely. Totally.
Are you so sure?
I fist my hands, digging my nails into my palm. Damn him! I hate it when Soren peeks into my mind and torments me.
“Michel, do you think Julien truly loves me, or do you think Soren’s compelled him to love me, just to spite you?”
Michel shrugs. “Would it make a difference? You love him more than you love me, so it would be over for us anyway.”
“Why?” I say, frowning.
“You chose Julien over me. I’d always know that you’d be wishing you were with him instead of me.”
“I’d rather be with someone who loves me completely and totally. If I thought that Julien didn’t actually love me, I’d end it right away.”
“There’s no way to know. You just have to choose.”
I sit in silence for a moment, mulling the situation over. I hate that Soren has forever ruined the innocent way I loved Julien and thought that he loved me. Even though Procel told me that Julien truly loved me, how can I believe him? How can I know that Procel isn’t playing along with Soren, trying to screw with my mind? I can’t believe Procel any more than I can believe Soren.
Soren may have done nothing to make Julien love me. Or maybe he sent Julien to me that day in the café when I first met him.
Michel is right. There’s no way to ever know. I’m not sure anything could reverse the compulsion.
“Is it possible to stop compulsion? I mean, if the vampire who did the compulsion died, for example?”
Michel shrugs. “I’ve seen it happen before but that’s when a vampire dies. His influence over the mortals and other vampires who are under his compulsion no longer has any force. But for Soren to actually truly die?” Michel shakes his head and blinks. “I don’t know how to do that. If Blackstone’s drug didn’t work, I have no idea what could kill Soren except God Himself.”
Of course, I don’t believe in God Himself,
so that means whatever kills Soren will have to be specific to whatever kind of being he is. If I could only understand what he is and where he comes from, then perhaps there would be a way to destroy him… If he died, I’d know that Julien would be free from his compulsion. I’d know whether Julien actually loved me.
I exhale heavily and get up from my chair. “I’m going to get changed. Soren will probably be mad that we didn’t have sex. Time to face the music, I guess.”
“He’ll be happy that we’re both filled with angst,” Michel says and catches my eye. “That’ll fuel his fire for a while. A being as old as he is has to keep amused or go mad, I expect.”
I nod and leave Michel in the sitting room. I don’t feel like eating dinner. I don’t feel like sitting at a table filled with Soren and his Twelve, smirking at me over the whole business. I want to roll up into a ball of self-pity and sleep until Julien comes back home to me.
Instead, I get dressed in something that is more appropriate and when I come out of the bathroom, Michel is gone, no doubt to clean up before dinner.
While I’m brushing my hair, a knock comes at the door. Michel enters.
“Are you ready?” he asks in a soft voice. “I thought we could at least enter together. It will give Soren some satisfaction.”
He gives me that de Cernay crooked grin and it’s the first time I’ve seen him smile for a while.
“I guess,” I say and then get into the mood. “Since he did stop the plague, it’s the least I can do. I’ll even take your arm and kiss your cheek when we enter the room. How does that sound?”
Michel holds out his arm and I take it, threading my arm through his. We smile at each other and walk down the hallway to where our guard waits.
When we enter the dining room, everyone is already there and standing around in groups, talking, the sound of their conversation like the ebb and flow of the ocean. They all turn when the two of us walk in, arm and arm, like I said. And like I said, I turn to Michel and stand on my tiptoes to kiss his cheek. He smiles softly when I do and he takes my hand in his and leads me to my place at the table, pulling out my chair like a medieval knight helping his lady.
I imagine it gives all the Twelve and Soren something to think about. It no doubt pleases them to see us together.
They must be dreadfully bored if our drama is so interesting to them.
We are, believe me. Your drama is what we exist for. The more, the better…
The servants bring in trays of food and so Soren and the Twelve put down their glasses of wine or blood and take their places at the table. The meal proceeds as it usually does, with the talk about the war, about what is happening at Blackstone’s compound, and about the plague’s halt. I listen with interest, hoping to hear how Julien is doing.
“Don’t worry your little head, Eve,” Soren says out loud. “Julien is as gallant a knight as ever and strong enough to fight off most of those he encounters. When I resurrected him, I made sure to restore hi to his initial state as an ascended vampire. He’ll be back with your dear sweet brother pretty soon. And, with the cure in a form that can be easily disseminated.”
I smile in response, and lift my glass of wine up to toast him silently.
“Thank you,” I mouth. He takes a sip of his glass of blood.
Once dinner is over, Michel walks me back to our rooms and we sit by the fire and talk about what we’ve heard.
“I’m glad Julien is okay,” Michel says, and leans back, his hands on the armrests. He looks very tired and stressed.
“Me too,” I say, and it feels redundant for of course Michel knows how concerned I am. “I’m also glad that Dylan will be back with the cure.”
Michel says nothing for a moment.
“Do you still see the future?” I ask him as he watches the fire.
He glances up, his eyes distant. “Not really,” he says. “Not like before. When I was ascended, it was difficult for me sometimes to concentrate on the present. I kept getting streams of possible futures. I had to work hard to keep reality and my visions separate, so I knew what was really happening. I’m glad it’s gone. Now, all I have are brief glimpses of the future, but nothing really clear enough or long enough to give me any kind of hope of influencing it.”
“Now, you’re just a mortal.”
“I’m just a priest. Just a human. It’s a relief.”
He smiles but it’s forced, and then he takes a sip of some tea the servant brought to us, as he does every night.
I finish my tea and then stand. “Well, it’s time for me to go to sleep. I’m tired.”
He stands, and we part. At one time, I would have wanted to take his hand and lead him with me to the bed, but now, I feel only regret. I think of Julien and wonder where he is and if he is all right. I don’t trust Soren to tell me the truth about anything.
That’s really too bad, because I’m the only one who has ever told you the truth, right from the start…
You didn’t tell me the truth about Julien being compelled to love me, I think in my head, not wanting Michel to hear me talking to Soren.
I never told you a lie. I merely made a proposition – what if Julien didn’t love you at all, but had been compelled to think he loved you? It was a suggestion to see how you responded and if you could handle doubt. You’re all about science, Eve, and evidence. You need cold hard facts, but the truth is, even the cold hard facts you humans have are all fraught with risk, once you learn better science. Many of those facts get thrown by the wayside and you have new cold hard facts to absorb.
That’s the way it is, I think in response. A scientist always holds everything in suspended disbelief just in case.
Well, think of Julien that way. Think of Michel that way, for that matter. What if neither of them truly loved you and were merely my servants?
I don’t respond to him this time. I close the door and sit on the side of the tub, holding my head in my hands.
I don’t believe you, I think. Because Michel came to me despite his plans to let me go. He didn’t want to come to me, and meet me, because…
And with that, Soren throws my certainty that Michel loves me into suspicion. Did Soren force Michel to find me and to love me? Soren can’t compel Michel, but he can manipulate him.
Do neither of the brothers truly love me?
I can handle that, I think to myself rather than Soren. It would mean I could forget all the drama and focus on doing the right thing – stopping the plague.
Which you have already done…
And getting the cure for vampirism, I think in response.
Which I’ve got in the works, thanks to your lovely brother and his half-sister…
Please leave me alone to my thoughts.
Actually, Soren says to me via our connection, I think I want you to come down and have a little heart to heart. I’ll send my guard to pick you up.
I’m tired, I think, not wanting to go to speak with him at this point, only to have him torment me more.
I have some nice fresh blood that will give you a real boost. It’s special. It’s angel blood and will keep you up and ready all night.
I don’t know if I want to be up all night,” I think. But I know that if Soren wants me in his quarters, that’s where I’m going. I leave the bathroom and Michel stands when I enter the sitting room.
“What’s the matter?” he asks, dropping the newspaper onto the coffee table.
“Soren has summoned me,” I say, making a face.
“When?” Michel says and he’s confused for a moment. Then, he catches himself. “Of course. Your connection.”
I nod and I hear a knock at the door. A guard pops his head inside the room. “Milady, my Lord Soren has requested your presence in his study. I’m to escort you there.”
I go to the door and glance back at Michel, shrugging. I have no idea what to expect from Soren, and brace myself for anything. What would he possibly want to speak with me about, especially at this moment?
Chapter 127<
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I enter his quarters when the guard opens the doors. Procel is looking over Soren’s shoulder at a map laid out on the top of Soren’s desk. They’re speaking in soft voices. Soren glances up when the guard clears his throat.
“My Lord Soren—”
“Leave us,” Soren interrupts, dismissing the guard with a wave of his hand. The guard leaves and I remain where I’m standing, a few feet from the table.
“Well, come closer,” Soren says with a wave. “I’m not going to bite.” He glances up from the map. “Unless you want me to, that is.” He grins and it’s quite the evil grin.
I step closer and examine the map. It’s a familiar one of the world with wide swaths of land covered in red. Now, there are parts of the map that are back to normal color.
I take it he wanted me back so he could brag about how far the antidote to the plague has spread in such a short time.
“No, actually,” Soren says, glancing up at me from the map. “I brought you back so I could give you something.”
He hands me a small vial. It has some blood in it. I take it that this is the “angel blood” he was speaking of.
“Take this,” he says. “It will pep you up. I’m taking you to a late-night ceremony and I want you to be full of vim and vigor.”
“Ceremony?” I ask. “Is Michel coming?”
He shakes his head. “No,” he says. “It’s just for the Twelve and me. And you, of course.”
“Why do I need this?” I ask, taking off the small cork stopper and sniffing. It smells like ordinary blood.
“You said yourself that you’re tired. This will get you through the night.”
I take in a deep breath and then down the small vial of blood. Immediately, I feel its effects, as warmth spreads through me and then it hits me like a truck – a wave of euphoria stronger than anything I’ve ever felt before. I can’t manage the intensity and stagger over to a sofa, where I sit and close my eyes as the sensations envelop my body.
“What is this?” I manage to whisper, unable to open my eyes, the pleasure and bliss is so intense.