“Okay,” he said. “It’s your turn.”
“My turn to what?”
“To tell me your deepest, darkest secret.”
“Are you saying that Cindy was your deepest, darkest secret? I don’t buy it.”
“Not Cindy, exactly. But she’s part of it. Mainly it’s that I’d just about rather have my arms and legs amputated than live anywhere but the Flying Ace. Is that dark enough for you?”
Laurie slipped her arm around his waist. He’d said it in a lazy manner, but she’d heard the underlying pain he’d tried to disguise. This land was everything to him. How could that woman ever have thought he would leave?
“Yes,” she told him. “That’s more than dark enough. Any other women I should watch out for in town?”
He chuckled, as she’d meant him to. “Not that I know of. After Cindy, I pretty much swore off women for a while. No offense, but they’re damn untrustworthy creatures, present company excepted, of course.”
“You think I’m trustworthy?”
“Yeah,” he said quietly. “Yeah, I do. And you know what? It feels good, trusting you. After Cindy, then Katy’s mother, I’d about decided women weren’t worth the trouble.”
“Katy’s mother?”
“I thought Donna told you about her.”
Laurie shook her head. “Just that she decided she didn’t want to raise the baby, so she sent her here to you.”
“If it was that simple I wouldn’t be wrestling over what to tell Katy someday when she’s older. No, Katy’s mother didn’t want to raise a baby. That much was true. In fact, she decided before Katy was born to put her up for adoption. Only after the deal fell through at the last minute did she decide to let me know I was a father.”
“But that’s not right.”
“No kidding.” He jostled her with his arm. “Now it’s your turn. Come on, lady, talk.”
“I don’t know what to say. I don’t really have any secrets.”
“There’s not a woman alive who doesn’t have secrets. You’ll never get me to believe otherwise. Tell me why you don’t want to marry me.”
He slipped that last sentence in smooth as silk and took her by surprise. “I haven’t decided that I don’t want to. You asked me to think about it, and I’m still thinking.”
“What makes it so hard to decide?”
Dear God, what should she tell him? That it was hard because she was in love with him and he didn’t love her?
Heaven help her, she couldn’t tell him that. She rolled away from him and sat cross-legged next to his hip, facing the foot of the bed so he couldn’t see her face. “This is hard.”
“Why?” Trey asked. “After the past week or so that we’ve spent together in this bed, I wouldn’t think there was much of anything we couldn’t say to each other.”
“The things you’ve told me tonight…they’re important, and I’m glad you told me. But they’re basically over with. In the past. Mine isn’t.”
“Your what isn’t?”
She shrugged. “My problem. My secret. You know how you said you don’t trust women?”
“You don’t trust men?”
“I guess.” She shrugged again, feeling a blush stain her cheeks. She was glad he couldn’t see. “Sort of. But really it’s myself I don’t trust.”
“I trust you.”
“So you said. But you’re not counting on me to make a better choice this time, to make it work this time.”
Behind her, he was quiet for a moment. Then he said. “Aren’t I? If I do say so myself, I think I’m a better choice than your ex, and if you marry me, it wouldn’t just be you who had to make it work, it would be both of us.”
“Why do you have to make it sound so…so right? So good? So…possible?”
“Because it’s all those things.”
“No.” She swung around and faced him. “No, Trey, it’s not. It’s…it’s cold, calculated. It’s like a business deal or something.”
“Cold? How can you sit on this bed and even think the word? Oh, I get it. You mean the L word.”
She laughed sadly and shook her head. “Poor Trey. Is it so bad a word that you can’t even say it?”
This time it was his turn to shrug. “Love. There. Satisfied? It’s just not something I trust. It doesn’t last. Not the man-woman kind of love, anyway.”
“How can you say that?” she cried.
“Easy. Look around. Who do you know who’s still in love after a few years?”
“What about your brothers and their wives? Your sister and her husband? They’re all in love. You can see it in their faces.”
He waved a hand in the air as if to negate her suggestion. “They’re all still newlyweds.”
“My parents. They’ve been married nearly thirty years.”
Trey turned his gaze toward the ceiling. “Yeah, let’s see. These would be the same parents whose home you left a few weeks ago because they fought all the time? If that’s love, you can count me out. Give me things like honor and commitment any day. Those are things a person can control. Love’s too messy.”
“Then I’m sorry for you, Trey, because I disagree.” She slid to the side of the bed and stood. “To me love is the most important thing on earth.”
“Laurie, wait,” he called as she walked to the door.
Before leaving she turned back and looked at him. “Good night. I’m going to bed.”
His face was stiff and tight, but his voice was soft. “Does this mean you’ve made up your mind?”
“I don’t know,” she said. “I’m going to sleep on it.”
But they both feared she was lying. She believed too strongly in love to settle for anything less.
Chapter Sixteen
Laurie’s eyes were hot and dry as she lay awake that night and stared at the dark ceiling above her bed. Her emotions and her logic were at war with each other. For that matter her differing emotions were having their own battle that had not much at all to do with logic.
She couldn’t believe she was even considering Trey’s…what had he called it? A proposition. Not a proposal.
It was her heart that was doing the considering, because it was her heart that wanted so very badly to stay with him, to love him, to be loved by him.
But Trey didn’t love her. He probably never would.
Oh, he cared for her, she knew that, or he wouldn’t be asking to share the rest of his life with her.
Yes, her heart wanted to say, but that fickle organ was also terrified of being crushed by his indifference toward love.
Around and around her emotions circled each other. Yearning, longing, love. Uncertainty. Fear.
Perhaps she should try logic again. If she married him, he got everything he wanted: a family of his own, a mother for his daughter, a cook, a housekeeper, a lover.
For her part, Laurie would not get the one thing she wanted most, and that was love.
But she would get a wonderful father for Carrie and Amy. She would get to call Katy her own, with the chance for more children if she wanted them. She got a lovely home in the middle of wide-open spaces that enthralled her. She got to be the one thing she’d always wanted to be, a full-time homemaker. And she got the best, tenderest, most exciting lover a woman could ask for.
There was only one thing she didn’t get. Could she live without the love she wanted?
Why not? You never planned to fall in love and remarry.
That was true. After her divorce she had faced the fact that she might well spend the rest of her life as a single, unattached woman, and the thought had not troubled her much.
So what was the problem if she got all those other things, without something she hadn’t expected anyway?
But she knew the problem. It was living day in and day out with a man she loved, knowing he didn’t return her feelings.
How long before the pain of it crippled her? How long before she grew to resent his lack of feelings? With resentment came bitterness and the destruction of trust. B
ecause of her love for him, she could easily destroy whatever they might manage to build together.
Perhaps, she thought wearily, a clean break would be the best. For her, at least. Trey would find someone to hire, and if he didn’t, Donna and his family were nearby.
Yet to never see him again, never hear his laugh, never taste his smile…never see little Katy grow into the beautiful woman she would one day become… To spend the rest of her life without feeling Trey’s strong arms around her in the night. How could she live like that?
Then again…
What Laurie had to decide was which would hurt less—a clean break and a return to Utah, or the slow torture of living with a man who didn’t love her?
God help her, what was she going to do?
By morning Laurie realized she had known all along that she couldn’t marry Trey if he didn’t love her. She just hadn’t had the courage to admit it. Or the honesty.
But when she saw the wary look in Trey’s eyes, mixed ever so faintly with hope, she kept her decision to herself. For some small spark of hope was still alive inside her, too. Hope that some miraculous answer to the problem would suddenly appear. An answer that would let her stay with Trey without the terrible risk of having her heart ripped out. An answer that would make Trey fall in love with her.
But no such miraculous answer appeared over bacon and eggs that morning.
But one did appear—or rather, call—about midmorning. It might not have been the one she would have wanted, but it forced her to admit something she hadn’t previously considered. Trey might like and respect her, as he’d said. He might want her. But he did not need her. Not her, Laurie Oliver.
All he really needed was someone to take care of his daughter and his home. If he wanted a wife, he was going to have to go out and find one, rather than take the easy, convenient way out by marrying her because she happened to be handy.
Oh, damn, she didn’t want to be angry with him. She was too confused and dispirited to be angry.
Her miraculous answer came via the telephone, with one simple declaration: “I’m calling about the ad for housekeeper and nanny.”
Her name was Mary Cunningham. She was fifty-seven years old, from Cheyenne, a widow and retired pediatric nurse. She loved children, the country life and taking care of a home. She was willing to relocate, and available to start work next week.
She sounded, in a word, perfect.
A miraculous answer.
Laurie wrote down the woman’s phone number and promised to have Trey call her back.
She could lose the number. The thought blazed in her mind between laundry and vacuuming. She could call the woman back herself and tell her the job was filled, then tell Trey she would marry him. He would never know that he’d had a real choice.
But she would know and would never be able to live with the lie.
She stood in the living room and looked around. Two coloring books and a box of crayons rested on the coffee table, and the serape draped across Trey’s recliner needed folding. Otherwise the room was neat. It was a good room.
It was a good house, she thought as she wandered from room to room. From outside in the backyard came the sound of her daughters’ laughter. Such a happy, healthy sound, and so much easier and more frequent than it had ever been before.
But there would be plenty of laughter in their new home, she promised herself. She would see to it. Just because her heart would be in pieces, strewn across the Wyoming rangeland, didn’t mean she couldn’t give her girls all the love and security they deserved.
She would be going home to a new house, a new job, a new life. That was something, wasn’t it?
And you’ll never see Trey again.
Dear God, how would she stand it? How was it possible to care so deeply, to love so strongly, when she’d known him only a few weeks?
How was it possible that she could hurt this much?
But the truth would not be avoided. He didn’t love her, and now he didn’t even need her.
Blindly she lowered herself to the smooth, wooden rocker where she had spent so many hours holding Katy. It was time to face the truth. It was time for her and her girls to go home.
When Trey found her there sometime later he knew instantly that something was wrong.
He’d come to the house to use the phone. The damn tire was already low again on the tractor. He did not want to have to deal with airing it up every couple of hours when he started on the alfalfa next week. He needed to call around and see if anyone had a replacement in stock.
To see Laurie sitting idly in the rocker, staring off into space, when he’d never seen her motionless before, stunned him. Worried him. She was always busy, always cleaning this or rearranging that, and usually smiling while she did it. She was seldom, if ever, idle.
“Laurie?” He knelt before her. “Laurie, what’s wrong?”
Slowly she turned her head toward him. “What?” She blinked, and her gaze finally focused on him. “Oh. Trey.”
Trey had seen a man in shock once. He’d worn the same confused glaze in his eyes as he saw in Laurie’s now. “Laurie, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“Wrong?” She blinked again. “Oh. I, uh, I wrote it down. It’s next to the phone in the kitchen.”
“Wrote what down?”
“The phone number.”
“What phone number? Is somebody hurt? Ace? Jack?”
“No. No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to worry you. It’s Mary Cunningham’s phone number.”
“All right,” Trey said slowly. “Who is Mary Cunningham?”
Suddenly Laurie’s eyes cleared and she truly looked at him for the first time since he’d come in. “She’s the woman you’re going to hire so you don’t need to marry me.”
Trey sat abruptly on his heels. His stomach tightened. His mouth dried out. “What?” He didn’t know why he was so surprised. Ever since she walked out of his room last night he’d feared this moment was coming. But now, in addition to everything else, he was confused. “Who is she?”
“She’s perfect, Trey. Exactly what you want and need. She’s a fifty-seven-year-old retired pediatrics nurse, widowed, willing to relocate, loves the country and can start work next week. So you see, you don’t need to marry me now. The girls and I will go home as planned.”
Trey stared at her for a long minute, searching for the words to change her mind, to make her see what a mistake she was making, for both of them. The words did not come out as planned.
“You think I want to marry you so I don’t have to hire a damn housekeeper?” he roared.
“Well, no, not exactly.”
“I want to marry you because this is where you belong, dammit.” The words still weren’t the right ones, he knew, but at least he wasn’t yelling now. “You and Carrie and Amy, here with Katy and me. I can’t believe everything we’ve shared means so little to you that you can just walk out. What the hell’s so great about Utah? Why do you want to take the girls and go back there?”
“No!” wailed two young voices from the backdoor.
Ah, hell, Trey thought. He hadn’t meant for Carrie and Amy to hear any of this.
“We can’t go home, Mama,” Amy cried. “Mr. Trey needs us. Don’t you, Mr. Trey? And so does Katy.”
“Amy’s right, Mama,” Carrie said, her eyes filled with sudden tears. “We don’t wanna go home. We wanna stay here.”
Laurie’s heart ached for the distress on her daughters’ faces. She wished desperately that she could spare them this pain. “We don’t live here, girls, you know that. This isn’t our home.”
“But it could be,” Carrie said desperately. Carrie, who so seldom let her emotions show. “Couldn’t it, Mr. Trey.”
Both girls sidled up to him and looked accusingly at their mother.
Trey put his arms around them and hugged them to his sides. “Tell you what, girls. Why don’t you go back outside and play and let me talk to your mother about this.” He had never told them to do anyth
ing before. He was probably stepping all over Laurie’s motherhood toes, but he was a desperate man. They had helped his cause, he hoped, but he didn’t want them caught in the middle between him and their mother.
“Trey’s right, girls,” Laurie said. God, her face was pale. Even her lips looked bloodless. “Go back out and play and let us talk about it.”
“But we want to stay,” Carrie said, her speech more controlled now. “We want to stay here and live here. Mr. Trey wants us to, don’t you, Mr. Trey?”
Well, hell, he thought. That was neatly done. Carrie had just taken herself and her sister out of the middle and stuck him there. “What I want right now,” he answered carefully, “is to talk to your mother. Will you go outside and play so I can do that?”
“Will you talk her into staying here?” Amy asked in the most pitiful voice he’d ever heard.
“I don’t know, honey. It’s not that simple. Let us talk about it, okay?”
“Oh, okay,” she said with a sniff.
With obvious reluctance, and three pauses to look back over their shoulders, Carrie and Amy went back outside.
Trey sagged with relief.
Laurie dropped her head to the back of the chair and closed her eyes. “Thank you for that.”
“For what?”
“For not using them against me.”
“Don’t think I wasn’t tempted,” he said ruefully. “But you heard them, Laurie. They want to stay.”
“Trey—”
“You said I didn’t need you now that this woman has called. You’re partly right.” He rose to his knees and took her hands in his. “I don’t need you to cook and clean and change Katy’s diapers and feed her. I can hire somebody to do those things.”
“That was your plan all along.”
“But that doesn’t mean I don’t need you.” Somehow it didn’t bother him at all to admit his need. “I need you beside me, facing the days with me, and the nights. I need you there with me to watch Katy grow up, and I need to be beside you for Carrie and Amy. Don’t go, Laurie. For God’s sake, don’t leave me. If you don’t want to get married right away, I’ll wait until you do. Just don’t leave me.”
Daughter on His Doorstep Page 18