“You don’t want this baby?”
“I don’t want his baby. I’ll have to figure out what to do about it.”
“There’s nothing you can do; abortion is illegal here unless the mother’s life is in jeopardy. That law was passed when our survival was imperiled.”
“I didn’t mean get rid of it. My stars, Tris, it’s my baby, too. I mean, do something about getting Varian out of my life forever.”
“Why, Jana? He loves you. You love him.”
“Sometimes love can’t matter, Tris; sometimes it isn’t enough. Please, just leave me alone and let me think. I have to get control of myself before all hell breaks loose this evening after Ryker’s death.”
“Why don’t you go to your room and lie down for a while?”
“And let Andrea and Martella see me like this? I don’t want them to know the truth. Damn, damn, damn, what am I going to do? We’re supposed to visit Maal as soon as Varian returns. When Maal learns about the baby, he’ll fight every demon from here to eternity to get his hands on who he thinks is Ryker’s only child, his great-grandchild.”
“You’re only four weeks pregnant, so it won’t show for a long time. You and Varian can be married and on Altair by then. Maal doesn’t have to know.”
“What am I supposed to do? Hide out there for seven or eight months until the baby is born, then wait two months to fake a birth date like he’s faking a date for Ryker’s death? What other complications can come along?”
“I’ll contact Varian and give him the news. Maybe he’ll know what—”
“No! Don’t tell him anything until he gets back. If you destroy his concentration, this damn charade will never end.”
Tristan wondered if that was her true concern, or if it was to avoid distraction to guard Varian’s safety. “If that’s what you want.”
“Promise me you won’t sneak behind my back and tell him.”
“I promise you will be the one to tell him about the baby.”
“If you break your word, Tris, our friendship is over; I swear it.”
Jana left the room with a bold idea in mind.
Chapter Sixteen
As promised, Tristan did not communicate the unexpected news to Varian, but he did confide it to Martella, who was stunned and dismayed.
“What sorry timing, Tris. A baby should be a happy occasion,” the sixty-year-old sterile woman murmured. “Poor Jana. She’s had to deal with so much. There’s something you have to do for her.”
Tristan guessed from his love’s expression and tone that she had something particular in mind. “What is that?”
“Varian is planning to use the Rendelar procedure on Andrea very soon so she and Jana can share the truth. I think you should do it now. Jana needs Andrea’s understanding ear and comforting shoulder. I’ll take full responsibility for ordering it done. Please, do this for me and for them.”
“I will, my sweet, because I believe you’re right. Send Andrea to me.”
Jana sat on the sofa in Ryker’s bedroom to enlighten her best friend to the stunning truth. She was grateful to Martella and Tristan for making this much-needed purging and comforting possible. When the long and gut-wrenching story was finished, Jana said, “When Varian told me I couldn’t tell you the truth, I was angry. I agreed with reluctance after he explained his motives and promised to give us both Rendelar soon so we could talk. I suppose it’s normal for a powerful man to have dangerous enemies and he has to do seemingly cruel things to defeat them and protect others, as with his reason for that fake auction which ripped out my heart for weeks. Canissia’s kidnapping, Ryker’s plots, Shara’s attempt to kill me, and Taemin’s capture prove Varian has a right to worry and to take drastic precautions. I even understand that he abducted me so his race could survive and our world could be saved, They’ve abolished the charl law and practice, but not because of my bargain with Varian.”
She looked at Andrea. “I’m sure those medical cures and scientific facts would have been implanted even if I had refused, “ she said. “You would have been brought here anyway because you wanted to stay in Maffei with Nigel. And they planned all along to send our people home if Earth was spared. I only let Varian think my demands and our bargain were the reasons why I agreed to help complete the charade. I agreed to be near him so I could test my feelings and decide if we could have a future together. I understand why he wanted Trilabs and peace so badly. I know I was kidnapped from him by that jealous and malicious bitch, and he did search heaven and hell to find me. He even saved my life after Taemin’s trap and again after the crash. I realize the risks he took during the Earth mission and I know all he’s done to protect me from Maal, Taemin, Canissia, and others. I’m truly grateful for all those things.”
Andrea was surprised that Jana was being so fair toward Varian.
“The problems start after those things I understand, accept, and forgive. He knew I was coerced into marrying Ryker and he realized what he and Maffei could gain with me as his widow, so he let the marriage stand without challenging it. He let Canissia go her merry way because it would interfere with his mission if he arrested her. He tricked me into believing his rescue was a delusion. He convinced me he didn’t love me. He enticed me to fall in love with a phony Ryker. Now I find myself pregnant at a time in his mission when marriage between us is impossible. He’s tricked me so many times, Andrea, that I don’t know if the baby is just another trick to bind me to him. I don’t know if Varian truly loves and wants me, or if it’s who he sees as his creation, his property by right of conquest. He can’t want me for Trilabs because they’re taking everything from the complex they desire. Perhaps he wants to prove he can win back the woman who allegedly dumped him for Ryker, prove to the public he’s so irresistible that I had to have him back.”
When Jana paused, a dismayed Andrea did not interrupt.
“I admit there were plenty of happy and tranquil times: outings we took, dancing on his ship, days and nights in his arms, those glorious hours on Eire before Canissia’s kidnapping, that night on his ship after my rescue from Shara’s evil, and many other moments. When Varian is relaxed and his real world recedes, he’s like a different person—a kind, wonderful, caring, gentle, and loving man. Maybe we met at the wrong time in his life, when he was confronted by too many problems and perils, duties too demanding for him. I don’t know if that’s it or if it’s Varian himself.” Jana met Andrea’s sad gaze. “I hate to dump this misery on you, but I needed to talk to someone who knows me and loves me, someone I can trust, someone who can help me decide the right thing to do. I hate to spoil our reunion this way, but I need you. We’ve always been so close and I’m so glad you’re here. Please don’t blame Nigel for any of this trouble; he was caught in the middle, too.”
Andrea had listened to Jana’s astonishing tale with eyes wide and mouth agape. When the long story was finished, she didn’t know what to say to her friend who was in such torment. She could hardly believe all that had happened to Jana. She realized how much Nigel had omitted from the tragic and incredulous tale, and understood why now: it was Jana’s right to reveal or not to reveal certain parts of it. “I’m so sorry, Jana,” she finally managed.
The Earthling scientist wiped away the annoying tears evoked by her emotional state. It was the first time she had been able to pour out her feelings to anyone since she had been taken from Earth. “So am I, Andrea, sorry I ever met him.”
The redhead wasn’t convinced that was true. “Yesterday I was going on and on about silly stuff when you were in such pain. I was carrying on about Nigel and our romance like a girl with her first crush when you were in a terrible bind with your man. I was thinking how terrible it was that you and Varian had lost each other when all along you were still together. When I thought you were talking about Ryker, it was really about Varian. That’s why you knew he wouldn’t mind if Nigel stayed with me last night, because they’re best friends. You’ve told me what he’s done, but what is he like, really like? He’s my
love’s best friend and commanding officer, and everyone I’ve met speaks so highly of him. It’s as if you’re talking about a different person. I’ve been looking forward to meeting him, but now, I don’t know if I really do or how I’ll behave toward ….” Andrea halted, then shrieked, “Heavens, Jana, I’ve already met him. Am I ditsy or what? Nobody dropped a clue to me. Heavens, Jana, how do you keep them straight? What’s Varian Saar like as himself?”
As his image filled her mind, Jana murmured, “Imagine the most expensive and loveliest shade of a sapphire sparkling under a soft light, and you have his eyes. Think of Russian sable or a raven’s wing in sunlight, and you have his hair. Picture Kirk Douglas’s cleft chin. Teeth so snowy and perfect that his smile could be nothing less than breath-stealing. He’s tanned and tall: six feet four inches to be exact. He’s thirty-one years old, with a physique every male star in Hollywood would envy and every woman on Earth would kill to caress. I could say he’s handsome and virile but those words are so far below what Varian Saar is. He’s Apollo, Adonis, Mel Gibson, Kevin Costner, Harrison Ford, Ron Moss, and Kurt Russell all rolled into one magnificent package. Take away Ryker’s blond hair and green eyes and give him a dent in his chin, and you have his near-twin half brother.”
“You mean that they look that much alike, but you suspected nothing?”
“Remember when Cindy dyed her black hair blond and switched her brown eyes to blue with contacts and had that complete makeup and wardrobe change? Not even her best friends recognized her. She even behaved differently and altered her voice with lessons. That’s how it was when I met Ryker, the real Ryker. Something nibbled at me, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. Why would I have thought those two were brothers? One’s an Androasian prince and the other’s a Maffei starship commander. One is the Androasian kadim’s grandson and Varian is Kadim Tirol’s. But the minute I was told the truth, it all made sense. I realized that was why I wasn’t totally terrified of Ryker, because some part of me saw my Varian.”
Andrea caught the last two words and stored them away. She couldn’t believe that Varian Saar was as wicked and cruel as Jana’s story implied. If he were, Nigel would not be his longtime and best friend. There seemed to be extenuating circumstances for the incidents Jana had endured, some which her friend grasped and some which she didn’t. Maybe Jana was too hurt and confused to comprehend the truth, and needed awakening. “You’ve covered his appearance. But what about his personality? His character? Be open with me.”
Jana thought for a few minutes, then complied. “Every superior and wonderful adjective that comes to mind fits him to perfection. Every word you used to describe Nigel is the same, if not more, where Varian is concerned. He’s selfassured, cool-headed, with nerves of steel, sharp wits, and rigid self-control. His skills, reflexes, wits, and instincts are at the highest level. He’s complex, contradictory, mercurial, unpredictable. He possesses and commands enormous strength and power. He attracts the attention and influences the emotions of both men and women. He controls the fates of countless people: friends, foes, and strangers. He’s fun and exciting. He can be gentle as a lamb or as fierce as a lion. He’s magical and mysterious. Seductive. Raw and tamed sensuality. A highly skilled and generous lover. He knows how to touch a woman’s heart, body, and soul.”
Jana leaned her weary head against the sofa back. “He’s accomplished great things and is, without a doubt, destined to do even more. He embodies power and passion. He’s widely respected and admired. He’s fiercely loyal to his rank, family, friends, and Maffei. He will slay his enemies if he can’t defeat them with his wits and brute strength. He isn’t afraid to die in the line of duty, and even sometimes seems contemptuous of its threat.” Jana frowned in worry, then her features softened again.
Her voice became almost dreamy as she continued. “He has a way of making one feel safe and brave. It’s as if he radiates part of his courage and confidence to you, and you can’t help but absorb them. He’s coveted and envied, loved and hated. He makes women melt with charms and looks that inspire jealousy in the gods. The sheer force of his will, or just his voice, could make the heavens tremble and obey. He knows he’s invincible and irresistible and overwhelming, and he savors and uses that power over others. He’s as satisfying as a dream come true. Now do you see why I was utterly bewitched and dazzled by him, why I didn’t have the strength or wits to resist him?”
Andrea saw her friend blush when she realized how she was talking about the topic of their conversation. “Do you still love him and desire him?”
Jana’s now somber gaze met Andrea’s empathetic one. “This wouldn’t be so hard if I didn’t. God help me, I do with all my heart and soul. The problem is that I think I hate him as much as I love him. Or maybe I don’t love him at all. Maybe that’s the real delusion. Maybe I just formed some kind of crazy bond with him when my life was in his hands; psychiatrists say that can happen between captive and captor under certain conditions. Of all days for this ton of bricks to be dropped on me! In a few hours, I have to deal with Ryker’s ‘death’ and whatever new troubles that announcement brings. Then, I have to go with Varian to Maal’s to take his body home. I promised; it was part of our deal. Unlike Varian Saar, I keep my word.”
“Can you forgive him and make a fresh beginning?”
“I don’t think so. Too much has happened between us. I don’t think I could ever trust him again. I should have known from the start we were star-crossed lovers. It isn’t as if he didn’t warn me enough times that was true. I didn’t listen. I loved him and I wanted him and everything else be damned. Now, all I want is to be rid of him.”
Andrea knew she should keep Jana talking out her real feelings. “Do you really, deep down inside?”
“I don’t know. Dammit, I don’t know anything anymore. My heart says one thing and my head says another. I’ve followed my heart’s advice so far and look where it’s gotten me. It’s about time, past time, I listen to my head. I’ve never been this confused in my life. Look at all the trouble and danger I’ve gotten into and am still in because of him and his lies. With more complications arising every day, I see no end to them.”
“There’s nothing I can do to help, Jana, but Nigel will know what to do when he returns.”
“It isn’t your problem—or Nigel’s; it’s mine. Besides, Nigel is biased in Varian’s favor, and that’s only natural so I don’t blame him. But you have helped; you’ve helped just by being here with me when I need you most. I’ll have to thank Tris and Martella again for making it possible for us to talk. I didn’t want to deceive you, Andrea, but I was trapped.”
“I understand, Jana, and I agree with what you and Varian had to do.”
“You think he’s right?”
Andrea looked uncomfortable as she replied, “I think he did what he believed was right. A lot is at stake, Jana. You said so yourself.”
“So you think I’m being silly and selfish to feel as I do?”
“No, of course not. After what you’ve been through, if I were in your place, I would probably feel the same way. I haven’t suffered the things you have and I don’t know Varian Saar, so I’m giving an unbiased opinion. I can see both of your sides, or at least what you and Nigel have explained as his side. I don’t like what he’s done to you, but I can understand why he did it. It sounds as if he was trapped, too, Jana. It sounds as if he really loves you, so I’m sure it hurt him to trick you.”
Jana jumped up from the sofa to pace off her nervous tension. “It’s the kind of trick he used, Andrea. He convinced me Varian didn’t love me or want me. He forced me to believe I had suffered from hallucinations and amnesia about one of the most beautiful and special moments of my life. He persuaded me to fall in love with Ryker. He even let me sleep with him as Ryker. What kind of man would do that to the woman he claims he loves?”
“Did you fall in love with Ryker? Was he the one you made love to?”
“No, but it wasn’t because Varian didn’t give it his best shot.
For a while, I almost convinced myself it was true. He broke my heart and betrayed me, Andrea, several times. How can I get past that?”
The redhead continued to ask questions instead of giving answers or advice with the hopes Jana would discover the truth on her own. “Do you want to lose him forever?”
“Should I be like a battered wife who keeps a man she loves because he’s good sometimes, and ignore or forgive the times he isn’t? Where does one draw the line between accepting good and fighting evil at any cost, between duty to his country and loyalty to loved ones? What about compassion, honor, conscience, simple human kindness? Does one toss them aside when duty calls? When do sacrifices become too great to pay?”
“I don’t know how to answer those questions. I’ve never had to. I’m sure there’ll be times when Nigel will have to keep secrets or perhaps even fib to me. He has already, in a way. I love him and forgive him and understand. But my situation doesn’t compare with yours. Only you can decide how you feel and what you must do. Whatever it is, I’ll stand beside you. I’ll stay with you as long as you need me.”
“Thanks, Andrea. Your arrival was perfect timing. If only things weren’t so complicated and painful and so damn confusing. My life with him has been like some Shakespearean tragedy. Only cruel and mischievous fate cast the leading roles and wrote the grim and destructive script.”
“It’s in your control alone to write the ending you want, Jana. If he’s genuinely sorry and he truly loves you, a rejection because of your injured pride and hurt feelings can do as much harm to him and your relationship as he’s done to you and your love. You have the baby to think about, Jana, his baby. Do you want to raise a child alone in an alien world? Do you want to raise one without its father? Raise it as Ryker’s child?”
“No, but do I just tuck my tail between my legs and run back to him as if nothing terrible happened between us, and act grateful he still wants me? Does he only have to say ‘I’m sorry’ and that’s supposed to make everything all right? Being contrite and apologetic isn’t enough to repay me for all he’s done. It’s like a judge slapping a criminal’s wrist and telling him his debt to his victims and society are paid in full because he’s sorry and he’s promised never to do it again. Prisons are overflowing with repeat offenders.”
Stardust And Shadows Page 39