by Shirley Jump
“Pretty smooth. Your father had a phone conference meeting with all the employees to explain the changes. I think that helped set some minds at ease.” They were still talking about business, and Finn knew he should reroute the conversation, but as always, he stayed in his comfort zone.
“How’s the Piedmont project going?” Jiao, content with her cookie, climbed into Ellie’s lap and laid her head on Ellie’s shoulder. Ellie rubbed a circle of comfort onto Jiao’s back. Finn watched, seeing the obvious love Ellie had for her new daughter. Jiao was clearly comfortable with Ellie, too, and snuggled against her adoptive mother as if they’d always been a family.
He started relating the details of the hospital project, all the while thinking that this was what they had become. Colleagues who worked at the same company. There was no hint of the woman he had been married to in her voice, no flirtation in her smile. It was just two co-workers having an ordinary conversation.
That was what Finn had said he wanted from the very beginning. How he had imagined things ending between them. They’d ally for the deal, work on the project, then split amicably and remain friends. But what he hadn’t expected was how much that would hurt. He almost couldn’t stand there and get the words out. Because he had fallen in love with her, and as much as he told himself he could be her colleague—
He couldn’t. He wanted to be her husband, damn it.
He stopped midsentence and let out a sigh. “I can’t do this.”
“What?” Jiao had fallen asleep, and Ellie shifted to accommodate the additional weight.
“Stand here and talk about blueprints and city regulations as if there was never anything between us. As if we’re practically strangers.” Finn bent down, and searched for the woman he knew, but she was hidden behind those damnable sunglasses. “You took the coward’s way out, Ellie.”
“Me? How did I do that?”
“You didn’t file for the annulment. Didn’t call a lawyer. You just let us…dissolve.”
“Finn, I have a child to raise. I can’t be spending my time chasing—” She shook her head and looked away.
“Chasing what?”
She turned back to face him. The noise of the playground dropped away, and the world seemed to close in until it was just them. “Chasing something that will never be.” Her voice shook a little. “We pretended really well for a while there, but both of us are too committed to other things to be committed to each other.”
“Are you sure about that? Or is that just an excuse because you’re just as afraid as I am of screwing this up?” Because he was afraid, scared as hell, to be honest. But the part of Finn that had been awakened by meeting Ellie refused to go away. And kept asking for more.
“I’m…” She let out a breath. “Okay, I am. But that’s only because I have so much more at stake here.” She nuzzled a kiss into Jiao’s ebony hair. It fluttered like down against Ellie’s cheek. “I can’t take a chance that Jiao will be hurt again. She’s already been through so much.”
He’d said all this himself, hadn’t he? Finn wanted to take the words back, to tell Ellie he was wrong. He understood Ellie’s fear, because he’d felt it himself a hundred times before.
Was it fear, or was he trying to push for feelings she would never reciprocate? Was he repeating his past? “If you and I didn’t work out—”
“You were right.” She shrugged, but the movement was far from nonchalant. “She would be damaged. And I can’t do that to her.”
“But what about you, Ellie?”
“I’ll be fine.” But her voice shook again. “I am fine.”
“Are you really?” He tried to search her gaze, but couldn’t see past the dark lenses. What was going on inside her?
“Of course I’m fine.” She cleared her throat, then got to her feet, hoisting Jiao onto her hip to free a hand to stuff their picnic things into the basket underneath.
She was leaving and he hadn’t found the magic words to make her stay. “Ellie—”
“You know, Finn, you were right. I was afraid to fall in love. And so were you. It’s a risk, maybe the biggest risk of all. But if you don’t jump in with both feet, you’ll never know what you were missing.” She nuzzled her daughter’s hair, and he saw the love bloom in Ellie’s eyes. Then she bent down and buckled Jiao into the stroller. When she was done, she straightened and faced Finn with an impartial smile. “Anyway, I wanted to thank you for taking over the corporate side of WW. My father speaks highly of you.”
“Is that what we’re back to? Business only?”
She lifted her gaze to his and this time he could see the shimmer of tears behind her sunglasses. “When did we ever leave that, Finn?” Then she said goodbye to him, and left the park.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
ELLIE told herself a hundred times that she had done the right thing by letting Finn go. That falling for him would only complicate things. Maybe he was right, maybe she was taking the coward’s way out.
Okay, not maybe. Definitely.
She’d done one more cowardly thing after seeing him that day at the park—she’d contacted a lawyer of her own and put the annulment into motion. By now, Finn undoubtedly had received the legal papers from his lawyer. He hadn’t called, hadn’t stopped by, and her heart broke one last time. He hadn’t been serious about them staying together—if he had, he would have fought the annulment. She’d been right not to risk her heart on him.
She dressed Jiao in a bright yellow sundress then strapped her into the stroller and set off down the sidewalk toward the park. The whole way, Jiao let out a steady stream of happy chatter, babbling in a jumbled mix of baby talk, Chinese and English. It was like music to Ellie’s ears and she laughed along with her daughter. Jiao had adjusted pretty well to the changes in her life, and Ellie had great hopes for the future. Henry had been spoiling his new granddaughter mercilessly, with clothes and toys and visits.
“You wanna go to the park?” Ellie said, bending down to talk to Jiao.
Her daughter kicked her legs and waved her hands. “Yes, Momma. Yes!” Her English was improving every day. The little girl was bright and was picking up the second language quickly.
“Okay, let’s go then.” She pushed the stroller and increased her pace a little. “How about today I take you down the slide, and later we can go on the swings and—”
“Gou!” Jiao shouted, bouncing up and down. “Gou, Momma! Gou!”
Ellie’s Chinese was minimal at best, and it took her a second to connect Jiao’s enthusiastic words with the object of her attention. Across the street, a man was walking a little white poodle. Jiao kept pointing at it and shouting “Gou!” Ellie laughed. “That’s a dog, honey. Dog.”
“Dog,” Jiao repeated. “Jiao dog?”
“No,” Ellie said softly. “Not Jiao’s dog.”
“Jiao dog,” her daughter repeated, reaching her fingers toward the white pooch, and Ellie pushed forward, putting more distance between them and the poodle. Jiao’s voice trailed off in disappointment.
As Ellie walked, her mind went back to the day at the animal shelter with Finn. How he had opened up his heart, and let her see inside for just a little while. Every boy should have his dream, she had said. And so, too, should every girl.
Her dream had been the family in the two-story house. With all the laughter and the Thanksgiving dinners and the messes, and everything that came with that. She loved her daughter, loved her little home in the Back Bay, but a part of her still wondered—
What would it be like to have the kids and the house and the yard and the dog?
Had she made a mistake letting Finn go? Had she let her fears ruin her future happiness?
He
had never left her mind, not really, though she had worked hard to forget him. She had come across the concert T-shirt the other day, and put it on, just because it reminded her of Finn. Then after a few minutes, she took it off and tucked it away in the back of her closet. Where she stored all the things that were memories now, not realities.
She’d buy a house in the suburbs and a dog, and have that dream herself. But the thought filled her with sadness.
If she did that, she’d be content. Maybe not ever truly happy.
Finn was right. She hadn’t been brave enough to really push forward with this relationship when he’d offered her the chance. She’d backed off, so afraid of getting hurt again. She’d preached about risk, and not taken one herself.
She and Jiao rounded the corner and entered the park. Her daughter was practically bounding out of the stroller by the time Ellie stopped and unbuckled her. Jiao dashed over to the toddler-sized play area, complete with a rubber ground cover and a half dozen pint-sized puzzles and mazes for the little ones to play with. Jiao had already made friends at the park, and she toddled off with two other little girls she saw nearly every day. Ellie settled back on a bench and raised her face to the sun.
Something wet nuzzled her leg. Ellie jumped, let out a shriek, then looked down.
At the dark, moist snout of a Golden retriever. “Hey, you. What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you.”
Finn’s voice jerked Ellie’s head up. “Finn.” Then she looked down at the dog again, and realized the retriever’s leash was in Finn’s hand. Her heart leaped at the sight of him and she knew that no piece of paper would ever make that stop. Damn. He still affected her. Maybe he always would. “Is this your dog?”
“Yup. Meet Heidi.” Finn chuckled. “Wait. You already did.”
She looked down again and realized it was, indeed, the dog from the shelter. “You…you adopted her?”
He nodded. “I did.”
“Why? I mean, it’s awesome, but I thought…”
“That I was the last person who would take on a dog?” He shrugged. “I am. Or I guess, I was. But something changed me recently.”
She still couldn’t believe she was seeing the shelter dog with Finn. He had gone back there, and given this puppy a home. It was one of the sweetest things she’d ever seen, and her heart melted all over again. “What changed you?”
He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. When he unfolded it, Ellie recognized it as the annulment agreement. Her heart sank. Had he signed it? Was it over?
“This came to my office the other day, and when I got it, it was like a slap across the face.”
“Finn, I’m sorry, but we—”
“Let me finish. It hit me hard because I realized if I signed this, it was all over. I had lost you. Forever.”
“You were right, though. I let this drag on, and I shouldn’t have. Someone needed to pull the plug.”
Finn bent down to her, his face level with hers, those blue eyes she loved so much capturing hers. Her heartbeat tripled, and she caught her breath. “Is this what you really want, Ellie?” His voice was low and quiet.
How she wanted to lie, wanted to just keep up the facade. All along, she’d been telling Finn to take a risk when she’d been the one too scared to do the same. She thought of the future that lay ahead. One where she was content, and never happy, and decided she didn’t want that. Not anymore. “No.” She shook her head and tears brimmed in her eyes. “I don’t.”
Finn reached up and cupped her jaw. Ellie leaned into that touch, craving it like oxygen. “Neither do I. Not one damned bit. You were so right about me. I picked Lucy because it was the practical decision, and told myself when it didn’t work out, it was because love was too risky. But I was wrong. I never took that risk, Ellie. I never opened my heart. I made up this little list and tried to fit a relationship into a column, and then was surprised when it didn’t work out.” He ran a thumb along the line of her jaw, and caught her gaze. Held it. “Falling in love is risky. Riskier than anything I’ve ever done. So I came over here today because I couldn’t let the most amazing woman I’ve ever met walk out of my life. Not without telling her one thing first.”
“Tell her what?” It was the only word she could get out. Her breath caught in her throat, held, while she waited for his answer. Damn, this man had her heart. Maybe he always had.
Finn’s smile curved across his face, higher on one side than the other, and filling her with a tentative joy. “I love you, Ellie. I fell in love with you the first time I saw you, but I didn’t know it. I love the way you talk, I love the way you work, I love the way you smile. Every time I see you, I feel…happy.”
Happy. Not content. “Oh, Finn—”
“Let me finish.” He let out a long breath, and his gaze softened. “I’ve never been very good at relationships. Give me a drafting board and a pencil and I can handle anything you throw my way. But when it comes to telling people how I feel…not exactly my strong suit. I guess it was because after my parents died, my little brothers looked to me for comfort. For answers. I couldn’t break down and sob on their shoulders. I had to let them sob on mine. And as they got older, I kept on being the rock they stood on.”
“They do. I can tell by the way they talk about you. They respect and admire you a lot.”
He grinned a little at that, clearly surprised to hear his brothers speak so well of him. “Being a rock came with a price, though. I never wanted to rely on anyone, to be vulnerable to anyone, and most of all, I didn’t want to let anyone down. Or take that risk you kept asking me to take.” His fingers tangled in her hair and Ellie let out a little sigh. “I told myself I’d keep my heart out of it and then we could walk away and no one would be hurt. But that plan failed.”
Across from Ellie, Jiao was standing at the edge of the toddler playground, watching them. Ellie sent her daughter a little wave. “How did your plan fail?”
“My heart got involved the very first day, even if I didn’t want to admit it to myself or to you. And still, I wouldn’t take that risk.” His smile widened. “But then when I got the papers dissolving our marriage, I realized all I want to do is stay married to you, Ellie. Forever. I want to open my heart. I want to jump off that marriage cliff with you and trust that it’s all going to work out for the next fifty, hell, hundred years. I want—” his gaze went to Jiao, and the smile grew a little more “—us to be a family. The question is whether you do, too. You took a risk adopting a little girl from halfway around the world. I’m asking you to take a risk and fall in love with me.”
She looked into his eyes, and felt the fear that she had clutched so tightly for so long begin to dissolve. Right here was everything she’d ever wanted. All she had to do was reach out and take it. She could tell him no now and watch him walk away.
And regret it forever. She’d been given a second chance. She’d be a fool to throw it away.
So she took a deep breath, then tugged the annulment papers out of his hand and ripped them in two. “I don’t want an annulment, Finn. Not now, not later.”
She caught the glint of a gold band on his left hand. He’d never taken it off. And her cautious heart finally let go of the last guardrails and trusted. Her husband. The man she loved.
“I don’t, either,” Finn said then he drew her into his arms and kissed her, a tender, sweet kiss, the kind that would stay in her memory forever. She felt treasured and loved and…like a wife. “I love you,
Ellie.”
“I love you, too, Finn.” She ran a hand through his hair and stared deep into his sky-blue eyes. How she knew those eyes, knew every inch of his face, every line in his brow. “I love you because you are the Hawk.”
“The man who swoops in and buys up the competition?” He scowled.
She shook her head. “No. That’s not what I mean. I looked up hawks one day when I took Jiao to the library. And yes, they’re fierce predators, but they’re also fiercely loyal and protective. They pick a mate and a nest and they stay there for life.” She looked at Finn McKenna and saw the hawk inside of him, a man who would do anything for those he loved—he’d been doing it with his brothers ever since he was a child and he had done it for her simply because she had asked. He was a hawk—a man she could depend upon forever.
“So I should start to like the Hawk nickname, huh?” He grinned.
“Maybe you should.” She smiled, then pressed a kiss to his lips. She thought of how close she had come to ending their relationship with a piece of paper. “I was so afraid to believe that you could be the kind of man I could depend on, count on to be there when I needed you. I never realized that the very traits I admired about you were the same ones that make you the perfect man for me. The perfect husband, and perfect father, if you want to be.”
His gaze traveled to Jiao, and she saw his features soften as a smile curved across his face. “I want to be the kind of dad who pulls out pictures of my kid’s band performance at a meeting and who hangs up their artwork in my office. I don’t want to be content, Ellie.” He swiveled back to face her. “Not anymore.”
“Neither do I, Finn. Neither do I.” She held his gaze for a long moment, then put out an arm, and waved over Jiao. “Then let me introduce you to your daughter.”
Jiao hurried across the playground to Ellie’s side. But when she saw the stranger, she hung back, biting her bottom lip, and giving Finn tentative, shy glances. “Jiao, I want you to meet Finn,” Ellie said. “And Heidi the dog.”