“What kind?” Genuine curiosity danced in Mom’s eyes, and I had to wrestle back the smile that tried to take over my face.
“I’ve made some stupid mistakes lately,” I said. Mom and Dad both raised their eyebrows, so I continued on before they could ask any embarrassing questions. “Nothing major, but it’s changed people’s perceptions of me. I wanna see what happens when I start posting the things I love and my day-to-day doings, as opposed to the things that focus on being popular.” I shook my phone. “Can I take a family selfie at dinner?”
Mom and Dad exchanged a look. When Mom nodded, Dad nodded as well. I held the phone out, and my whole family squeezed into the photo, goofy grins and all. I waited until after dinner to post the pictures. It was about time the world saw the real Camille Collins.
Chapter 44
After I finished helping clean up after dinner, I went up to my room to get all the thoughts out of my head. I’d already had some positive feedback from my posts. Mostly saying how delicious dinner looked, and laughing at Seth’s silly face with his cheeks full of food.
I’d had a blog years before with softball tips. It died down the same time I started dating Dylan. But blogs were becoming outdated, anyway.
I stared at my laptop screen after I opened it. Maybe writing down my feelings wouldn’t be the best idea. A video would be better. It was exactly what Emma Stone had done in Easy A. They’d hear my tone, see my face, and know if what I was saying was real or not. It was hard to portray emotion through text. They might not believe me.
I got up to fix my hair and make-up, but then forced myself back in my seat. If I wanted to portray the real Camille, I needed to look like the real me. Not the fake, dolled-up version that I’d created to make Dylan happy.
It was probably crazy of me not to check the mirror. Hopefully, there weren’t any leftovers from dinner on my face.
Closing my eyes, I took some long, deep breaths to calm myself. I just needed to be honest and raw.
I pressed record, and my natural smile spread across my face.
“Hey, everyone, I’m Camille Collins. There have been lots of rumors going around about me, and it’s time I set the record straight. I think the easiest way to start is at the beginning. Softball and my friends used to be my world. I lived and breathed for them. Then I met a boy.”
I held up my palm for a second. “Let me be clear that this is not the boy’s fault. It’s completely my own. I was having trouble at home, personal issues I don’t want to get into, and I hope you understand. But it left me craving, no, starving for attention. I needed it so badly that I would do anything for it, including losing myself. Which is exactly what I did. Because I had to be around this boy, I turned my back on my friends, family, softball, and most importantly, me. I lost the true me to the point that no one knew who I was anymore."
I paused to wet my lips, but also compose myself. I didn’t want to break down crying. No one would be able to understand me through my blubbering cry. “I got so wrapped up in what this boy thought of me, and how I thought he needed to see me, that I made a fool of myself.
“To all my friends, I’m truly sorry. I was an idiot and let my hormones control my life. None of you deserved the way I treated you. I hope to work past this, but I know it will be a long road of proving myself. I think we can all agree that actions speak a lot louder than words.
“This leads me to my next mistake. I let that same boy get to me. He told a few people that I was a bad kisser, and it spread like wildfire. Honestly, it doesn’t even matter if I am or not, but I thought it did. I thought I had to prove myself.”
I took a few deep breaths before I pursed my lips. “So, I created a kiss list. In my stupid brain, I thought if I kissed a few guys, I could prove that boy wrong. I chose guys that I wanted to kiss, and hoped wouldn’t turn me down.” I chuckled. “Unfortunately, one did turn me down in a really embarrassing display on my part, but it all worked out in the end. He got the girl he really wanted, and they are happy together. Mason, I’m sorry for everything I put you through. You’re a good guy and didn’t deserve any of this. Thank you for forgiving me. It means a lot.
“Alejandro was my second kiss.” I tilted my head to the side. “And before any of you think I’m going to rate the guys on their kissing, I’m so not. That’s a private matter not to be shared with the world. But Alejandro and I did kiss. It was a mutual choice. But it didn’t go beyond that, no matter what the pictures looked like. Again, it was me putting myself in a stupid situation that felt innocent at the time, but looking at pictures, it tells a whole other story. Well, multiple stories, because people just filled in the blanks how they wanted to. Alejandro, I’m sorry I got you messed up in this. You’re also a great guy and deserve someone who treats you well. I think you’re brilliant and are going to make it to the major leagues.”
I paused to collect my thoughts. “Isaac, I got carried away with you. The kiss looked heated in the picture because it was. All those pent-up emotions came flying out at you. I’d say I’m sorry, but you enjoyed it and aren’t mad at me for it, so I’m really only mad at myself. Just do me a favor and be respectful of girls. I know you’re a good person. Don’t lose yourself like I did.”
I rubbed my hands together. “The last guy on the list was Brady. Well, he was the first, but you get my point. Thanks, Brady, for playing along with my madness. We were both coming off a bitter breakup and in bad places. You’re a good friend, and I’m glad we’ve stayed as such. You honestly make this world a better place with your smile and laughter. Just between you and me, and however many people actually watch this, she was an idiot for leaving you. But, I guess if we’re all happy in the end, that’s all that matters.”
I glanced down at my keyboard, my eyes unfocused on the buttons. “This leads to me making the biggest mistake of my life.” I forced myself to look at the screen. “There was this guy that was beyond amazing. Any time I was sad or in a bad mood, that guy could snap me out of it in seconds. We were good friends back in elementary school, and I let the years fade between us into nothing. I lost my focus over another boy, and in return, lost the guy I really wanted.
“Liam, you’re the most amazing guy I’ve ever met. You’re honest, kind, smart, devoted, loyal, and unrepentantly hot. It’s almost not right. You were right in front of me all these years, and I was too blind to see. You’ve made me realize the kind of person I want to be and how I want people to perceive me, which is definitely not how I’ve been representing myself lately.
“I know a certain girl has called me desperate for throwing myself at you, but all I wanted to do was let you know how I feel. You’ve always struck me as a forgiving guy, so I guess I was hoping for you to forgive me, even though I didn’t deserve it.
“Liam, I know you. You’re not petty, and normally not this stubborn. I’m almost wondering if you got that from me, because we all know how stubborn I am. You have big dreams that I know you’ll turn into realities. I’d really love to go on the journey with you, but only if you want me to.
“The girl may say this is another desperate plea, but all I want to do is say this: I love you, Liam Elliott. I know we could be good together if you’d give me another chance. I’m not the stupid girl I was before. I’ve learned and grown a lot, and I’d treat you with the respect you deserve.
“Even if you don’t return my feelings, I hope one day you can find your way back to me. I’ve missed having you as a friend.” I sniffed. “It’s funny that it took me this long to realize that you need to be friends with the person you’re dating. It shouldn’t be a competition, or a cry for attention. It should be two people who have stuff in common, love each other at their worst moments, and see each other’s hearts. I didn’t have that with the boy I lost myself over. But I know I could have it with you.”
I checked the clock. I’d been going on for so long. I had no idea if anyone would watch the entire video. I needed to end it. “So, to wrap this all up, I need to make a few things cle
ar: My name is Camille Collins. I’m a virgin. I have kissed a total of five guys, none of which I’d take back, because I found myself in them. I’m not kissing another guy until I’m in a committed relationship. I love softball. It’s the one thing that clears my mind. I have the best Mom and Dad, the perfect little brother, and the best two friends a girl could ask for. Thanks, Kaitlyn and Hayley, for never giving up on me during this whole ordeal. You both mean the world to me, and I couldn’t imagine my life without you.
“Thanks, everyone, for listening. If you have any questions, hit me up. I’ll be as honest as I can. I just hope you’ll all keep in mind that we all make mistakes. Mine were, unfortunately, aired for the world, but there’s nothing I can do about that except speak my peace.” I waved at the camera. “Bye.”
With a smile, I pressed the button to stop the video. I thought about going through it and listening to what I said, but that wouldn’t make it the raw, honest truth. So, I uploaded the video to social media and let the world take it into their greedy hands.
Chapter 45
Within twenty minutes, I had to turn off my notifications. My phone and laptop were exploding with them. There were still a few haters out there, but for the most part, people were starting to understand my side of the story. All my softball mates were sticking up for me if anyone said anything negative. So were the guys I kissed.
Of course, Kaitlyn and Hayley were rapidly firing away. I’d called to tell them about the broadcast, and after they watched, they put on their fighting gloves and went to work on the responses, so I didn’t have to. They really were the best friends.
I thought about replying to the comments, but I needed to take a step back from social media for a while. Aside from posting pictures of me doing happy things with my friends and family. But that was all the world was going to get.
I’d have to be careful of my actions during the following weeks. A lot of people would be watching me and waiting for me to mess up. I liked the challenge it provided.
The next morning, I dressed with care. Conservative was basically my theme when it came to clothing, make-up, and hair.
Kaitlyn and Hayley had the biggest hugs for me when I picked them up for school. Kaitlyn even had a can of Dr Pepper for me, and I would have kissed her on the cheek if I’d known no one would be watching. But Sadie was probably hiding in the bushes in her typical stalker fashion, and I didn’t want to give her anything to work with.
I wasn’t sure what I was expecting when I got to school, but overall it was a warm welcome. For those who even paid attention to me. We had a big school, which sometimes helped you sink into the background in a beautiful way.
The moment Izzy, Ava, and Val saw me, they hugged me and let me know all was forgiven. Jordyn even gave me a hug.
What really surprised me was Coach Wilkes. She stopped me in the hall. Kaitlyn and Hayley stepped away to give us some privacy.
“Hey, Coach,” I said.
She smacked her lips. “I owe you an apology. I was a little hard on you at camp. I realize now that you really were trying.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Coach, that means a lot.”
“I better see you at tryouts in a couple months,” she said. “Our team could really use you.”
I wanted to hug her, but again, that wouldn’t help my public image. Instead, I just grinned like a little girl. “Thanks, Coach! I’m really excited to play this year.”
She patted my shoulder. “We’re excited to have you.” She glanced around the hall at the passing students. “Don’t worry too much about what others say about you. You’re a good person, Camille.” She quirked an eyebrow. “Just do us all a favor and don’t lose yourself again. Especially over a boy.”
A laugh bubbled up inside me, and I let it loose. “Trust me, Coach, that’s the last thing I want to do. It didn’t turn out so well last time.”
With a nod, she left me alone in the hall. It felt good to be back. I mean, I still had to try out for the team, but I’d work out daily and practice until then, so I wasn’t too worried about making it back on the team.
I swiveled back to Hayley and Kaitlyn, and they were staring down the hall, their eyes wide. I turned back around and saw Liam standing in the middle of the hallway, staring at me. He shifted uncomfortably where he stood. He had his hands stuffed in his jeans pockets, his uncertain eyes blinking rapidly.
We stood there, staring at each other, neither one of us moving. By his reaction, he’d seen my video. I couldn’t quite read his face, except for the nerves radiating off him.
All the sounds around us drowned out. It suddenly felt like Liam and I were the only two people in the hall. He was probably twenty paces away. I could close it quickly, but I had no idea how he’d respond. Besides, I was done making the moves. I’d thrown myself out there multiple times. If he wanted me, he’d have to come to me.
It felt like our whole relationship boiled down to this moment. If he came to me, talked to me, then everything would be okay. We could get back to a good place and be friends, maybe even more.
But if he turned around and walked away, it would be over. No Liam and Camille. Ever. The thought sent my stomach rolling. I couldn’t handle a life without Liam in it. Not in a dramatic “I could never survive without a guy” kind of way. Just that there would be a hole without him there. He was my balancing force, and there was nothing wrong with that. It was the perfect relationship if you could get two people who made each other whole, filling the void they never knew was there.
I was motionless, so afraid to move, or even breathe. He licked his lips and took a tentative step, coming toward me. But then he stopped. Just one step. Was that good or bad? Should I run away and save myself the embarrassment?
No. No running away. I needed to face my life head-on. I needed to show Liam that I was a safe place. That he could relax and be himself around me.
So, I finally made myself move and pulled out a bag of caramel corn from my backpack and munched on it, keeping my eyes on Liam. I rested my weight on my left leg, standing casually. His eyebrow slowly lifted as he watched me eat the popcorn.
Then that perfect smile of his, the one that made my heart flip, spread across his face, almost splitting it in two.
The next movements were so fast, I could barely keep up with them. He was walking toward me, no, running toward me. He came to a stop right in front of me, his eyes an ocean of excitement.
I held the bag of popcorn in front of my chest, blocking out how much it was heaving in and out from the lack of air around me.
He moved, slowly, his hand coming up, barely brushing my cheek before it landed in the bag. He grabbed a couple pieces of caramel corn and popped them in his mouth, smiling the whole time.
I didn’t want to be the one to speak first. I was afraid that anything I said would scare him away, and that would be it.
He finished off the popcorn in his mouth, leaned toward me, and my world exploded. His soft lips landed on mine, perfectly caramel-coated. They were sweet, slow kisses, nothing too hungry or sloppy, just the perfect amount of lip to make it the most amazing kiss I’d ever had. Heat ignited inside me, but I pushed it down before I lost control. I wanted to savor every moment I had with Liam. I would not let my hormones ruin it.
His lips left mine, leaving mine pulsing. He stayed close and intertwined his fingers with mine. He popped another piece of popcorn in his mouth before he broke the silence. “I love you.”
A grin burst across my face. “I love you, too.”
He smirked. “I know. You broadcasted it all over the world. It was a little over the top, and the lighting was wrong, but the sentiment was nice.”
I snatched the bag away from him and put it back in my backpack. “No more popcorn for you, mister.”
He took me in his arms. “I think I left out that it was actually perfect, and you looked beautiful, and I’ve been in love with you since elementary school.” He kissed my cheek. “Took you long enough to return the feelings. I should g
et an award for my patience.”
I would have slapped his chest if he wasn’t so close. “What patience?”
“Camille. Ten years. I’ve waited for this moment for ten years. If that’s not the definition of patience, I don’t know what is.”
I clasped my hands behind his neck. “How come you never told me before? I didn’t start dating Dylan until like the eight-year mark, so that was plenty of time.”
He leaned his forehead against mine. “I knew I had to wait until you were ready. If I would have made a move before, you would have rejected me.”
I opened my mouth, but then snapped it shut. He was right. I probably would have. I wasn’t ready for a Liam-caliber relationship back then. His was the lasting kind that I hoped never ended. I’d needed to find myself before I dove into something that deep.
He smiled and pulled back. “Your video reminded me of Easy A. If you’re not busy tonight, we should watch it.” He glanced over my shoulder. “Kaitlyn and Hayley should come, too. And their guys. I should probably get to know them now that we’re together.”
“So, we’re officially together?”
“Duh. You said you wouldn’t kiss someone unless you were in a committed relationship with him.”
I tilted my head to the side. “We weren’t in a relationship when you kissed me. just now”
Liam sighed. “Camille. When I was standing back there, you pulled out a bag of caramel popcorn and took a bite. That’s total girl code for ‘let’s officially start our relationship.’ Then, I closed the distance and took a bite of popcorn, which is guy code for ‘sure, I think that sounds like a swell idea.’”
I bit back a laugh. “Did you just use the word swell?”
“I’m a gentleman. That’s how gentlemen speak.”
“I wasn’t aware of that fact.” I snuggled into his chest, happy that I could do that openly, and it felt so perfect. It was where I belonged.
The Kiss List Page 22