by Ian Doescher
CHORUS
Behold, now enter two familiar chaps,
Their countenances older and grown wise:
Though thirty years did o’er their lives elapse,
Most happ’ly shall they come before your eyes.
[Exit Chorus.
Enter HAN SOLO and CHEWBACCA.
HAN
O, vision I had never thought to see,
O, sight beyond belief, an ’twere a dream,
O, scene wherein I never thought to play,
O, spectacle that warms a smuggler’s heart—
My ship, my strength, my soul, my ev’rything:
Chewbacca, we are home.
CHEWBAC.
—Egh, egh, egh, auugh!*1
[Han and Chewbacca hear a noise. Han lifts the hatch to expose Rey, Finn, and BB-8.
HAN
Where are the others? Where is all thy crew?
And where the pilot who hath flown this ship?
REY
’Tis I: I am the pilot.
HAN
—Thou?
CHEWBAC.
—Egh, auugh!*2
REY
My words are true: we only are aboard.
FINN
Thou canst that furry monster understand?
HAN
That furry monster understands thee, too,
So prithee hold thy tongue, or be beshrew’d.
Come up, out of the hold, and tell me quick:
Where didst thou find this ship? How came it thee?
REY
On Niima Outpost.
HAN
—On Jakku? That junkyard?
FINN
My thanks, good fellow. [Aside, to Rey:] ’Tis a junkyard, see?
HAN
[to Chewbacca:] I said we should the Western Reaches check.
CHEWBAC.
Egh!*3
HAN
—Who did own the ship? Was it Ducain?
REY
I took the ship from Unkar Plutt, who stole
It from the Irving boys—as strong as oak
And conifer—who hath, in turn, ta’en it
From thy Ducain.
HAN
—Who stole the ship from me.
I prithee, when thou speak’st to him again,
Tell bold Ducain Han Solo hath ta’en back
The great Millenn’um Falcon once more—ha!—
And ne’er shall from it separated be.
REY
This is the fam’d Millenn’um Falcon, what?
Thou art Han Solo?
HAN
—Yea, or us’d to be.
FINN
Han Solo, former gen’ral of th’Rebellion?
REY
Nay, he the smuggler of so many tales.
FINN
’Twas he, the fabl’d warring hero?
CHEWBAC.
—Auugh.*4
REY
This is the ship that made the Kessel Run
In fourteen parsecs.
HAN
—Twelve! [Aside:] Fourteen, O pish!
O, ship, belovèd ship, how miss’d I thee.
[To Rey and Finn:] Yet wait, what is this oversight I spy?
Some idle-headed moof-milker did place
An ill compressor on th’ignition line!
REY
’Twas Unkar Plutt. Methought it was a blunder;
It doth too much o’erstrain—
HAN
—The hyperdrive.
[Aside:] Who is this lass, whose knowledge doth surprise?
It seems she hath both fortitude and skill,
A pilot unto whom I’d give respect
Were she not young enow to be my daughter,
Or—were I honest—mayhap granddaughter.
How sad the day when hath a Solo turn’d
Unto a song sung in a childish treble,
With pipes and whistles in his sound. Alas,
While years have pass’d I have, methinks, grown old.
Still, I am not so elderly that I
Have lost my tricks: I’ll put them to the test
And test their mettle with a challenge new.
[To Chewbacca:] I prithee, Chewie, place them in a pod
And drop them on the nearest planet.
CHEWBAC.
—Auugh!*5
REY
Nay, cast us not aside so brazenly.
We need thy help.
HAN
—My help?
REY
—This little droid
Must unto the Resistance fly anon!
FINN
He hath obtain’d a map with which we’ll find
Luke Skywalker—a-ha! Thy face is plain:
The name I speak familiar is to thee.
Thou art the selfsame Solo who fought once
With the Rebellion ’gainst the former Empire.
Thy canst not feign that look: thou knewest him.
HAN
Indeed, I knew Luke well; a brother was
He unto me. [A sound is heard.] Fie, say no rathtar hath
Escap’d its bonds and runneth fast and free.
[Han Solo runs from the Millennium Falcon with the others in pursuit.
FINN
What’s this? Speak’st thou of filthy rathtars now?
Thou haul’st no rathtars on this freighter, true?
HAN
I do haul rathtars on this freighter true.
Yet this next situation may prove worse:
The Guavian Death Gang hath boarded us—
Perforce they track’d us hither from Nantoon.
REY
What is a rathtar?
HAN
—Large and dangerous.
FINN
Know’st thou of th’Massacre of Trillia?
REY
Nay, naught.
FINN
—Such is unto thy benefit.
HAN
I captur’d three of them as we unto
King Prana flew. They are within the holds.
FINN
Three rathtars? How? They are nefarious!
I fain would have thee tell me how ’twas done.
HAN
Once I did travel with a larger crew.
FINN
[aside:] O, dreadful notion, this!
CHEWBAC.
—Egh, auugh, auugh, egh!*6
BB-8
Zooz zzwablis roilzoon zzwablox blicrooq blik!
[Han opens a hatch in the floor.
HAN
Pray, crawl inside and stay until I say.
Think not, e’en for an instant, of once more
Appropriating the Millenn’um Falcon.
REY
Agreed. What of the droid, small BB-8?
HAN
With me shall he remain, until the gang
Hath gone. You three may then go on your way.
FINN
Where are the rathtars hidden? What of them?
[A large rathtar tongue appears, striking the window near Finn.
HAN
Thou hast found one. Congratulations, sirrah.
REY
What shalt thou do?
HAN
—What e’er hath been my wont:
Employ my tongue to rescue me.
[Rey and Finn hide beyond the hatch.
CHEWBAC.
—Egh, auugh!*7
HAN
Thy charge is baseless! It hath work’d each time.
Enter BALA-TIK and other members of the GUAVIAN DEATH GANG.
BALA-TIK
Han Solo, thou smuggler, scoundrel, rogue, thou art a dead man walking.
HAN
What ho, good Bala-Tik? What aileth thee?
BALA-TIK
The problem is thee and thy lack of wit. We did give thee fifty thousand for the task thou hast not done.
REY
[aside to Finn:] Canst see them?
FINN
[aside to
Rey:] —Nay, they are too far aside.
BALA-TIK
Thou likewise hast ta’en fifty thousand from Kanjiklub.
Ne’er hath a man made so many foes as thee.
HAN
Pray tell me thou hast not plac’d trust in them,
Those base, ill-temper’d, short-of-stature knaves.
How long have we been colleagues, Bala-Tik?
REY
[aside to Finn:] They carry blasters.
FINN
[aside to Rey:] —Yea, full many, too.
BALA-TIK
Ask not how long we have known one another.
Ask rather how much longer our acquaintance
shall be. The answer, methinks, is not long. Thou
art not long for life, unless thou canst make repayment.
HAN
Thou thinkest hunting rathtars costs but little?
The money thou didst give me I have spent.
BALA-TIK
’Tis not we alone, for Kanjiklub also desires their
investment return’d anon.
HAN
I ne’er did make a deal with Kanjiklub.
BALA-TIK
Those words speak thou to Kanjiklub, not me.
Enter TASU LEECH and other members of KANJIKLUB.
HAN
O, Tasu Leech, join our festivities.
’Tis fine to see thee here—thy men as well.
TASU
Yongari, Solo. Si digida manaria. Yowegah, Solo.
HAN
O, gentles, tell me, wherefore do you fret?
You shall have what was promis’d, I shall swear’t.
Hath e’er Han Solo fail’d delivery?
BALA-TIK
Aye.
TASU
Sigi ginna manayea, beh.
HAN
’Tis twice, thou say’st? What was the second time?
BALA-TIK
Thy game is old, as thou art. No soul remaineth in the galaxy for thee to swindle, cheat, and betray.
TASU
Fennemana see na!
BALA-TIK
Another sight doth interest me as well—that BB unit
a’rolling ’round thy heels. The First Order searcheth e’en
now for one such as this. Two errant fugitives, as well.
HAN
Thy words do fall like summer rain upon
Mine ears, for they are unanticipated.
No news have I of fugitives or droids.
TASU
Kadio kanyo.
REY
[aside to Finn:] Behold, the panel that controls the doors.
If I, perchance, the circuits can o’erwrite,
The blast doors shall be clos’d and trap the gangs.
FINN
[aside to Rey:] The outside blast doors thou canst close from here?
REY
[aside to Finn:] If I reset the fuses, it shall be.
[Rey presses a button on the control panel.
The doors do not close, but a growling sound is heard.
HAN
I have a feeling bad about this sound.
REY
[aside to Finn:] Alas!
FINN
[aside to Rey:] —Now wherefore sayest thou “alas”?
REY
[aside to Finn:] Those fuses I did switch ought not be switch’d.
BALA-TIK
Kill the smuggler and the Wookiee,
and bring the droid to me!
Enter RATHTARS 1, 2, and 3, devouring members of the GUAVIAN DEATH GANG and KANJIKLUB.
RATHTAR 1
[sings:] ’Tis now the time to eat, to eat!
RATHTAR 2
[sings:] A hearty meal, a treat, a treat!
RATHTAR 3
[sings:] My stomach they’ll complete, complete!
RATHTAR 2
[sings:] This human feast I greet, I greet!
[Exeunt Han, Chewbacca, and BB-8, fleeing from the rathtars. Rey and Finn emerge from hiding severally.
FINN
This was a grand mistake, and maybe fatal!
REY
Mayhap the largest I have ever made.
Pray, let us hence—away from these sharp sounds!
How do these beasts appear? What is their form?
[Rey and Finn turn a corner and see a rathtar.
FINN
’Tis that. That is their raging, putrid form.
RATHTAR 3
[sings:] Two more of them we chase, we chase!
RATHTAR 1
[sings:] Our table they shall grace, shall grace!
RATHTAR 2
[sings:] Although from us they race, they race!
RATHTAR 1
[sings:] We’ll follow them apace, apace!
FINN
Pray, follow near, go hence!
REY
—Art thou most sure?
[A rathtar’s tentacle catches Finn’s leg.
RATHTAR 3
[sings:] I have him by the leg, the leg!
RATHTAR 1
[sings:] Anon for life he’ll beg, he’ll beg!
RATHTAR 2
[sings:] We’ll hang him on a peg, a peg!
RATHTAR 3
[sings:] And munch him like an egg, an egg!
[Exeunt rathtars, dragging Finn with them.
REY
Alas, my Finn! So quickly met and lost—
I’ll save thee yet, though it be Rey’s last act!
[Rey notices the control panel.
The panel of controls—this shall suffice.
If I am careful (yea, unlike before),
I may succeed in shutting all the doors
Between the rathtars and my loyal Finn.
Now carefully, most carefully: and to it!
REY presses a button on the control panel. A RATHTAR shrieks offstage. Enter FINN.
FINN
The rathtar held me fast within its grip,
And certain was ’twould be my final breath,
Yet then the door by happenstance fast clos’d,
And finally—
REY
[aside:] —He wonders at my deed,
Whereof he knoweth naught. Yet we’ve no time
For wondering. [To Finn:] ’Twas fortunate indeed.
More of thy tale I’d hear another time,
Yet now let’s fly ere other rathtars come.
Enter HAN SOLO, CHEWBACCA, and BB-8 pursued by a member of the GUAVIAN DEATH GANG.
HAN
We must unto the ship, or eaten be.
These doors, however, must first be unlock’d
Before we can th’Millenn’um Falcon reach.
Pray give me thy protection, Chewie.
[A member of the Guavian Death Gang shoots Chewbacca in the shoulder.
CHEWBAC.
—Auugh!*8
[Han takes Chewbacca’s gun and shoots the foe.
HAN
[aside:] This mighty blaster crossbow hath a kick—
Thus shall I shoot the door and set us free!
Now come withal, for we shall fly anon!
REY
Han—
HAN
—Thou must close the door behind us now.
[To Finn:] And thou shalt help Chewbacca to the ship.
[They rush into the Millennium Falcon. Han begins preparing the cockpit and Rey takes the copilot’s seat.
What inappropriate presumption’s this?
What art thou doing?
REY
—Unkar Plutt install’d
A fuel pump in the ship. If ’tis not prim’d,
We shall be bound for nowhere.
HAN
—Fie on him!
REY
Also, unless I am inaccurate,
Thou art, it seemeth, one co-pilot short.
HAN
I have one there, beyond the cockpit, hurt.
Watch thou the thrust; at lightspeed we’ll depart.
REY
From here, within the bay? Is’t possible?
We’ll either ’scape the hangar or be hung!
HAN
Ne’er do I question possibility
Until the deed already hath been done.
Enter RATHTAR 3.
RATHTAR 3
[sings:] O, ye five shall not flee, not flee,
Until you are in me, in me!
HAN
When I awoke upon this pleasant morn,
This was not how methought the day would go.
Now angle up the shields, and we fly!
FINN
No bother ’tis, we fully are prepar’d.
[Finn looks for materials to bind Chewbacca’s arm and pulls a remote control out of a bag.
[Aside:] For what use was this ancient-looking tool?
Some sphere made for a sporting pleasure game?
My questions shall not find their answer here,
And other matters are more pressing, Finn.
HAN
O, fail me not, my long-belovèd ship!
Yet wherefore doth the vessel not respond?
REY
’Tis the compressor.