by Sosie Frost
I blew my first chance, but I wouldn’t ruin the second.
If she’d take me back.
The bridal procession filled the church. The pews packed with family and friends. They stood as the wedding march strummed.
Lindsey was a hellcat, a raging bitch, and the craziest damn woman I knew, but she did look beautiful. She held her father’s arm and trembled while she walked down the aisle. Conrad hugged her before giving her arm to Bryce. She held on and whispered something in his ear.
No harsh words. No fighting.
And once Mandy pulled the ribbon with Condolences scrawled in beautiful calligraphy from Lindsey’s bouquet, we were good to go.
I hadn’t listened to one of the father’s sermons in years. Hell, I’d ducked out of the church on Easter and Christmas when Mom wasn’t watching.
I never once believed a word out of my father’s mouth…
Except when he delivered surprisingly good advice.
The last thing I wanted was to trap Mandy in a marriage because we had a child. The only thing that might have made it worse was marrying her to save face in the community. I left home specifically to avoid those types of obligations. My father had demanded I live a life of respectful piety and perfection, and he tortured me with that fate for eighteen years.
Mandy worried she’d be caught in a loveless life. I avoided the opposite. A life of fear.
My child would never feel trapped like that. Not as long as I lived.
“Dearly beloved…”
My father extended his hands over Lindsey and Bryce.
“I am honored to stand before you today, witnessing the marriage of Lindsey Prescott and Bryce Washington. I’ve had the privilege of watching this lovely couple grow from children into the beautiful adults they are today, and I am so happy they are beginning their lives together.”
I didn’t buy my father’s fake sincerity, especially when I knew what he’d say if it were me and Mandy at the altar instead.
Mandy stared at her sister, clutching both of their bouquets in trembling hands. She actually listened to Dad’s sermon on love, life, and commitment.
She believed it.
Every word.
Mandy wanted nothing more than that life of romance and devotion, a life I never thought was possible until I fell for her.
She watched, captivated.
And I imagined it was us before the altar—her eyes wide, her smile perfect, declaring her true feelings to all who would listen.
Dad rested a hand over the bride and groom’s hands. “Marriage is a gift. Most times it will be hard. Sometimes it will be painful. But, given the chance, it will become your greatest joy. Just as you’ve grown together as childhood friends, you will now explore this new world of love and commitment as partners, with all of its surprises and challenges.”
I snorted. Rick frowned at me, but I didn’t care.
I just had the biggest surprise and challenge of my life thrown at me, but there was no one I’d rather handle it with than Mandy.
Hell, I didn’t think life could throw anything crazier at me. Even if it did, I’d do everything in my power to ensure she experienced only happiness, pleasure, and love.
If that was marriage, what did I need a ring for?
“You’ll find your relationship isn’t simply an agreement between two people to live in harmony,” Dad said. “As a wife, you will comfort, guide, and support your husband—even when it is hard to trust…and harder to imagine his commitment. And, as a husband…” Dad paused for just a moment. “You will have a great responsibility. You must become more than a man.”
I looked up. My father’s glance was quick, hardly enough for Bryce or Lindsey to notice.
But I did.
And I seized a breath for whatever was coming.
“You will become a husband to a wife. A lover to a woman. Eventually a father to a child. And while those things may sound like three separate duties, you’ll find they are one. These responsibilities are what define a man, and you must demonstrate this honor to the woman you love.”
How?
It didn’t surprise me that Dad answered. He loved the sound of his own voice, but goddamn, I was glad he talked.
“How do you do this?” Dad smiled, patting their hands. “You love her. Simple as that.”
Well, fuck. I already did that.
There had to be more, right?
“Now, I understand you’ve prepared your own vows…”
Wait.
Dad stopped preaching, but it couldn’t be that simple.
My feelings for Mandy were complicated, a tangled mess of ill-intentions that created life-changing consequences for both of us.
But maybe that’s what love was?
It wasn’t Lindsey’s wailing tears as she pledged undying, forever devotion to her snuggle-buddy bear. And it wasn’t Bryce awkwardly reading a speech Lindsey must have written for him.
Love was what I felt for Mandy.
Responsibility. Desire. Protectiveness.
And if she hadn’t figured it out yet, then it’d be up to me to show her exactly the type of life we’d make together.
Lindsey and Bryce finished their vows, prayed, and listened to Mandy offer a teary reading from that same damn verse in Corinthians everyone always cited.
I was supposed to give a second reading, but I knew a better passage. I walked to the lectern without a Bible. Years of my father’s tutelage and forced Bible studies at night ended with me memorizing most of the book. The passage hadn’t made sense until now.
The church silenced for me. I looked only at Mandy.
“1 John 4:18.” I said. “There is no fear in love.”
Twenty-Three
Mandy
There is no fear in love.
Nate’s words rang in my mind, beyond the final pronouncement of Lindsey and Bryce as husband and wife.
He spoke every word during the reading with that playboy confidence he used to chase me. It wasn’t his assigned passage, but he didn’t recite it for Lindsey and Bryce.
He read it to me.
For me.
Everything inside me turned from a jumble of confusion into a mooshed mess of panic, anxiety, and fear. My head hurt, I hadn’t slept, and every beat of my heart threatened to shatter it into a million jagged, lovesick pieces.
I wanted Nate, but I would not marry him because we were having a baby. I wasn’t going to risk everything on a man who would use marriage as an excuse for a mistake.
I could protect my own baby, and I didn’t need a ring on my finger to justify carrying the child.
I certainly didn’t need some bad boy swooping in to play baby daddy while he beat the shit out of our best friend ten minutes before the start of the wedding.
Rick bled through the ceremony, and we’d never get the deposit back on a blood-stained tux.
Stress cracked us all, and the only tape I had to piece us together was supposed to stripe my sister’s chest so her dress wouldn’t reveal the tips of her wedding bells for everyone to see.
It’d be a miracle if I survived the rest of the wedding without any more fistfights, banishments from the party, or unexpected pregnancies.
The bridal procession crossed out of the church and into the courtyard outside. The guests lined up to congratulate the new bride and groom.
No one was throwing rice. Not good. I hiked up my dress so I could run inside for the bag, but Rick stopped me.
“Don’t bother,” he said. “The caterers accidentally cooked it.”
Well, the party was off to a good start. At least we’d have another side for the taco bar.
Lindsey didn’t seem to mind the riceless well-wishing. She leapt into Bryce’s arms and gave him a kiss. The crowd cheered, and the bridal party hooted.
I applauded, though my hands stilled as I caught Nate’s gaze. He broke away from the groomsmen and stalked towards me.
Now or never.
I had no idea if I was ready to confro
nt him.
Fortunately, my mother bombarded me. It might have been the first time I was relieved to see her.
She snaked her hand around my wrist and tugged me off the stairs to the church. Her dress didn’t fit her, and the hoochie-momma red mortified Lindsey, but at least we’d talked her out of singing Natural Woman during the ceremony.
She’d sing it during the reception instead.
Mom dabbed her eyes with a tissue.
“You were good to your sister today.” She stroked my cheek. “I’m proud of you.”
My heart swelled. I loved hearing that from Mom so much that I let it slide that I could only do right by her if I was doing right by Lindsey.
“Thanks, Mom.”
She tucked my hair behind my ear. Brushed a wrinkle from my dress.
Frowned at how the shoes fit my feet.
I cleared my throat to return her attention to me. She smiled.
“I wish you hadn’t told me I was going to be a grandma in such a fitful way today.”
I braced for it.
“But…I know you’ll be a better mother than I was.”
My eyes widened. I nearly choked. It was as close to an apology and compliment as I could get, even if she backhanded it to me. She expected sympathy, for me to assure her she was an excellent mother. That was fine. It was the best I had gotten out of Mom in forever.
“You’re not mad at me?” I asked.
“You can’t be mad about a baby.”
“That’s what Dad said.”
“Well…” She searched over the courtyard, watching as he gave Lindsey a big hug. “He’s pretty wise about some things. Certainly not everything, but you should listen to your daddy about that. Nothing made us happier than raising you girls.”
“Really?”
“If I had paid half as much attention to him as I did when I chased you rugrats around…” Mom shook her head. “Anyway. You keep that little bundle close to your heart. Sometimes it’s hard to show how much you really care. But you’re a special girl, Mandy. Your baby will always know.”
Mom kissed my cheek before screeching to meet her cousin. I’d never make it through this reception without breaking down.
I expected his hand on my arm, but I wasn’t ready to deal with him in the middle of the festivities, surrounded by friends, family, and everyone already gossiping about the expecting Prescott girl.
“Nate, later,” I said. “Please.”
His voice was low, a comforting grumble. “Not later. Right now. We have to talk.”
“Not here.”
“I won’t wait any longer.” He pressed close behind me. “Come on. We’ll find some place quiet…”
His hand grasped mine. My stomach churned.
Oh God, I could not throw up in the middle of the wedding.
Fortunately, Lindsey squealed.
“Pictures!” My sister clapped her hands, summoning her bridesmaids to a tight circle of drunken, bouncing fun. “Mandy, come here!”
Oh, no way was I jumping into that fray. The strapless dress already struggled to contain my chest. One good jiggle and I’d cause an even bigger scandal than the rumor of my secret pregnancy.
The other bridesmaids pulled me from Nate. Lindsey hugged me, squeezing until I thought she’d pop the baby out. She ordered everyone away and demanded the first picture be with me.
I knew my sister. The next hour of our lives would become a hellish blitz of flashes, poses, and duck-faces. As per her instructions, we became a team of string-less marionettes for her wedding pleasure.
She shoved me into Rick’s arms and ordered me to smile with a bouquet of billowing white flowers. He didn’t need pictures, he needed pain-killers. Nate had handed him a baggie of ice, but it hadn’t stemmed the swelling yet.
Lindsey hummed. “Rick, turn to your right. Pose with your good side.”
“I can’t feel my good side,” he grumbled.
“Just guess.”
I reached for his cheek, touching the tender injury. “I’m sorry.”
Lindsey snapped at me. “Mandy! Hands down!”
“Sorry,” I said as he flinched and my sister shrieked. “Are you hurt?”
Rick shrugged, offering a pained smile, but nothing that couldn’t be Photoshopped to Lindsey’s specifications. “I’ll be okay. Probably deserved it.”
“No, you didn’t.”
“I should have talked to Nate first.” Rick wound his arm in mine. “He’s crazy about you.”
I didn’t answer. The flashes momentarily blinded me, and I used it as an excuse to avoid the conversation. Rick lowered his voice.
“I know it’s scary,” he said. “And I know he hasn’t been the greatest man in the world. But you’re a girl worth changing for.”
“You’re very sweet.”
“You should go find him.”
I squeezed his arm. “What if…what if that’s a mistake?”
Rick grimaced for the camera one last time before the rest of the bridesmaids crashed our picture. “And what if it’s the greatest thing you ever did?”
Lindsey berated the photographer into a hundred different shots of her “second kiss” with Bryce, and Rick casually passed his brother a tube of Chap Stick for the next twenty she demanded.
I snuck away once Lindsey began her one-on-one pictures with the bridesmaids, peeking through the church to find Nate. Of course, I wasn’t permitted to cross the threshold into the yard where the reception was held, not until the bridal party was formally introduced. I nearly broke out anyway.
Bryce caught me before I took a step.
“Nate’s gone,” he said. “Didn’t he tell you?”
My heart stopped—the only defense it had against breaking. I collapsed against the wall, my eyes welling with tears.
“Whoa! No!” Bryce pulled me into a hug. “The caterers didn’t have a bartender like we thought. There’s no alcohol.”
“Nate’s gone…and now there’s nothing to drink?” I covered my face. “This is a disaster.”
“Mandy, listen to me. Nate went to help. He’s grabbing a couple kegs from Arrogance.” Bryce sucked in a breath. “Ohh, you thought I meant…that he left you.”
No wonder Lindsey was always pissed at him. I slapped his arm.
“When’s he coming back?”
“Hopefully soon. We have to serve dinner.”
I groaned. Suddenly when I had to talk to him, Nate wasn’t around. This wasn’t fair, especially since I couldn’t drink whatever he’d bring to the party.
We lined up in the church, arranged by couple. Originally, Lindsey demanded each of us make up our own dance when we were announced. However, I was a klutz, and Rick was a cardiologist who lost the ability to dance in lieu of conducting surgeries. He twirled me instead. Safe and easy.
We sat as the DJ announced the newlyweds, but I stared only at Nate’s vacant seat. My heart pounded. I had no idea what I’d say to him when I finally had the chance to face him, but I couldn’t hide how I felt anymore. I spent nearly three months denying my feelings to everyone, including myself. It did nothing but cause problems.
If I wanted a relationship with Nate…that meant confronting every mistake, every insecurity, and every fear head on.
It took a pregnancy for me to learn that lesson, but it was going to stick.
I wanted Nate, and nothing was going to stop me from getting him.
Except a lack of booze.
The DJ promised that the alcohol was on its way, and the caterers did their best with lemonade and water. I sucked on my ginger ale and chewed the straw as I waited for him to return.
At least the reception looked amazing. A field of tables with white tablecloths lined the party, and we had enough room for a big dancing area. As an additional perk, the church had a small playground to entertain the kids running amuck.
Everyone sat to watch Lindsey and Bryce’s first dance—not the crazy Dirty Dancing routine she planned, but, to my surprise, Bryce’s favorite song.
The held each other close and swayed to the music.
I had no doubt that it would be my sister’s favorite part of her special day.
It was the first time I was envious of Lindsey.
Dinner was served before Nate returned. I picked over the vegetarian meal, actually enjoying the polenta and mushrooms. I wasn’t hungry though. I bit my lip until it was raw and shredded my napkin under the table.
I popped out of my seat the instant I saw the glint of sunlight strike the metal kegs. Nate carried in more alcohol than we could possibly serve, and he earned a rancorous applause. He took a bow and laughed, but he searched only for me.
This was it.
I had to confront him. He had to know how I felt.
I slipped away from the table.
Then someone handed Lindsey a microphone. She grabbed my wrist before I escaped.
“Everyone…” My sister pouted until she had everyone’s undivided attention. “I want to thank you all for coming on this special day.”
The guests applauded. A few people tapped their glasses with their spoons, and Lindsey grabbed Bryce by the collar to haul him in for a kiss. It earned another round of cheers.
“I know traditionally everyone is supposed to toast me…”
Reflexively, the bridesmaids and I clamored over the table to find anything to raise in her honor. Carmen spilled her water, grabbed a candle, and set the tablecloth on fire. I lifted both my drink and Rick’s, which, coincidentally, helped to put out the flames.
Lindsey took the drink from Bryce’s hand and continued.
“But I’d like to make my own toast,” she said. “There is one person I want to thank more than anyone in this world. The one who stood by me. Indulged my every request. Told me when I was being unreasonable but still tried to please me. The one who put me first before anything else.”
Bryce grinned, but Lindsey turned to me.
“My sister is the greatest friend anyone could have. Thank you, Mandy. None of this could have happened without you.”
Well, I couldn’t run away now.
I hugged my sister. Lindsey relished the applause, but she pulled back and crinkled her nose.
“Now hurry up with your toast. You have to help me go to the bathroom.”