by E. S. Maria
“Jesus, Hannah, stop it with this whole I’m a victim act and get a grip. There’s a difference between what Atticus was doing and stalking. All he did was made sure nothing happened to you. He didn’t want to be found out. Atticus never wanted you to know until he knew you were ready to have him back.”
“Have him back? Why? I’m no longer that lovestruck idiot. I know that he will end up leaving me in the end, Brook!”
I hear the door close, then her heels clacking as she comes closer, “Of course, you’d say that. You are so hung up on the possibility of him leaving you that you fail to realise that everything he’s done, misguided or not, was because he loves you. Did you know that he got an offer to perform at The Tonight Show and Saturday Night Live over in America to promote his new song? But he declined. You want to know why? Because it meant him leaving you, Hannah. That man is bending over backwards to be there for you. All he wanted was another chance … and that’s why we decided to help him when he asked. Even Brodie helped out. Brodie. You know, the one person who came between you two before.”
I’m sitting on the edge of the bed. My chest hurts, and I’m getting light-headed. I’m pretty sure this isn’t from the two margaritas I downed over an hour ago.
Brook sighs, and I feel the bed dip next to me as she sits down, “Atticus took it hard when he found out about the car accident. He was here in the city, but when Brodie told him, he didn’t hesitate to come back so he could visit you. I bet he never told you that he sang to you almost every single day while you were still in a coma, did he? Of course, he didn’t. But he was there for you, and he never left your side. He wanted to stay when you woke up, but he realized how badly he hurt you. So he left, just in case you freaked out. When he found out that you lost your eyesight, it devastated him so much. I saw it myself. Seeing you suffering tore him apart, and I think he took it the worst because he couldn’t comfort you. But he understood that you needed to grieve. He also had a tour to prepare for. He couldn’t back out of that because he didn’t want Brodie’s band to miss the opportunity as well. Babe, that man loves you. And just because you can’t see what he does behind the scenes doesn’t mean it’s not happening. If you still think he’s selfish, I hope that what I just told you, helped. So I suggest that you get your head out of your self-righteous ass and stop overanalysing his faults and why you shouldn’t take him back, because deny it all you want, we all know you never stopped loving him either. You only lost your eyesight, Hannah, you still have your heart.”
“But my heart is broken, and I don’t know how to fix it,” I answer despondently.
“Your heart is beating, Han. And I’m sure it beats the strongest when Atticus is around, am I right?”
Does it?
Why do I even have to ask myself? Of course, it bloody does!
But I don’t know what to say. I am literally at a loss for words after Brook’s revelation.
“I need to process it all ... I’m sorry, I just … I can’t, right now … I’m … I’m sorry …” I stammer, my head down, a mix of emotions overwhelming me.
“I didn’t mean to sound so harsh. But you’re a stubborn cow sometimes, and it’s the only way to get through to you.”
I give her a small smile, “And I needed the kick in the ass.” I turn to face her before continuing, “If you don’t mind, I just need to be alone right now. I have a lot to think about … God, I don’t even know where to begin.”
“Yes. Yes, of course. If you need anything, just yell.”
I nod back, and Brook gives me a brief squeeze before getting up from the bed.
But a question pops in my head, “Brook?”
“Yeah?” I hear her pause mid-step.
“How did you know all of this? I mean, about Atticus and what he’s done for me?”
“Atticus enlisted your family’s help, and then your brother told me and Patty about Tic’s plan. Brodie and I try to tell each other everything. Secrets just ruin lives.”
“Don’t you ever get scared that Brodie might leave you? He’s bound to live the same life as Atticus’s. There will be girls who will try to get his attention.”
“I think about that a lot, I’m not gonna lie. But I trust Brodie, and he’s never given me any reason to doubt him.”
“But I trusted Atticus too, and he still broke my heart.”
“A couple can be married with children, work stable jobs and one or both of them can still end up being cheated on and suffer a broken heart. The risk of getting your heart broken will always be there. But most of us have only one life to live, so we should take that chance and live it. I’d rather love and get my heart ripped to shreds, than live my life not feeling anything at all. The only time I’d allow myself to feel nothing, to feel numb, is when I’m dead. You have a second chance at life, Hannah. Live it.”
My tears well up, as I give Brook a nod in agreement.
“When did you become so profound, Brook?” I ask, chuckling weakly.
“I’ve always seen myself as the group sage,” she laughs, elbowing my side. “Patty’s the hilarious sex kitten, and as for you … you’ve always been the brave one. You’ve always been fearless.”
I smile back, feeling warmth on my cheeks, as I remember back when we were younger. I was always the one who tried something first, the one who led a debate team, the one who competed in sports, and eventually had a thick enough skin to perform onstage.
“I wish I kept the bravado, but I must have lost it along the way.”
“Hannah,” Brook kneels in front of me, her hands planted on my knees. “Look where you are now, and what you’ve already accomplished. You’ve managed to become independent and kicked the stigma of blindness in the ass!”
“Well, that’s not entirely true. Atticus helped too, didn’t he?”
“He only helped when he had to. But otherwise, it was all you. I think that not only makes you brave but also inspirational.”
“Ugh,” I react sheepishly, “that outburst I had towards Atticus was hardly inspirational.”
“Yeah, that was just tragic and painful to hear.”
I picture her cringing at that scene I caused earlier, and I can’t help but chuckle. Thankfully, she joins me.
We take a few moments to settle down. Then I feel the bed spring back as Brook gets up, her heels clacking on the hardwood towards the door.
“Remember … just yell,” she reminds me.
“I will. But I think I’ll turn in shortly. I’ve got a lot to think about.”
“Yeah, I know. I hope I didn’t make it too overwhelming for you.” She pauses, and I hear the door open, “I love you, Hannah,” she tells me softly, and I look up to give her a smile.
“Love you too,” I whisper back. Then I hear the door click upon closing.
Two days have passed, and I’ve barely left my room, my mind consumed by Brook’s revelation.
Well, I did eat when my hunger pains became too hard to ignore. But I stayed mostly in bed, and even skipped my classes today.
And it’s not like I can distract myself by going to the movies, or people-watching in a café. I had no choice but to confront my thoughts and process what my ball-breaker friend said that night.
Brook was harsh, but maybe I needed to be slapped in the face with her words. I’ve been so angry and so hung up on the ugly fragments of my past that I allowed it to foreshadow all of the positive aspects that, in reality, are more constant than the negativity.
Like my family―my family is amazing. Yes, my father and I are still figuring things out, but we’re on the right path, and we’re walking on that same path together. My mother is a phenomenon in patience and unconditional everything, and my brother is just the shit, really. We may not see eye to eye sometimes―pardon the pun, but I can’t ask for any brother who’s more patient and caring, and who makes me laugh the ugliest, pee-inducing laugh … plus he’s dating one of my best friends, which …
Leads me to two human beings who, among all of my current f
riends (which I can now just count with my fingers), have been the most loyal friends in the history of friendship. They never gave up on me, even when I did the 360 degree on them at my very worst.
And then there’s Atticus.
How did I get it so wrong with him?
I wasted my time thinking he was selfish, that he didn’t care about anything and anyone but himself, when in fact, he cared. He cared way too much for someone who pushed him away. He was too selfless, sacrificing his own career especially at the time when his popularity was soaring. But most of all he was there.
He was there.
He never really left me.
I was the impatient one.
I was the one who lost hope.
I was the one who gave up.
I didn’t fight for him hard enough, so much so that I jumped at the chance of regaining what I’ve lost, with another man who loved me more than I could ever bring myself to. But I did my best. God, I tried so hard to love him the way he should be loved.
I never realised how blind I’ve been, way before I actually lost my ability to see.
When Atticus left me, it wasn’t because he gave up on us. Now, as I start to see him more clearly, I’m beginning to realise the value of his reasons, the same reasons I previously dismissed as mere excuses.
The sacrifices he made, the risks he took throughout our relationship, he did them all because of his love for me. And instead of being grateful, I ended up thinking the worst.
That was unfair to Atticus, but it was even more unfair to Paul because he got caught in the crossfire.
I know now that the only way I can atone for my mistakes is to live this second chance at life to the fullest, and not to waste it with self-doubt and suspicion.
There’s a reason why I was given another chance at life.
I have to right my wrongs.
And I’ll start by giving Atticus another chance.
Finally, it feels like the grip of the darkness inside of me is loosening its hold and light is beginning to stream through the cracks.
I may be blind forever, but for the first time in a long time, I can finally see clearly.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
I don’t think I’ve ever woken up with such dogged determination in a long damn time. But as my alarm clock chimes the time to wake me up, what usually makes me want to throw my phone across the room makes me rise up eagerly like I have some kind of spring on my back.
I’ve decided that I’m going to meet with Atticus today.
I’m going to tell him that I know what he’s done for me.
Then I’m going to apologise to him for being so callous, for not giving him another chance, when I was given another chance at life myself.
And lastly, I’m going to tell him that I love him and that I’ve never stopped.
No matter how much I tried, and God knows I tried, he’s managed to get under my skin, seeped himself through my veins and into my bloodstream.
I’m going to tell him that my heart beats only for him.
It always has.
And it always will.
I see that now.
I just hope I’m not too late.
Yesterday, after coming to terms with what Atticus has done for me all this time, my first thought was to call Atticus, so I asked Brodie for his phone number. I deleted the number I had of his over a year ago. That was when he left me again for the second time, so I decided that I didn’t want to have anything to do with him whatsoever. I wiped him off from my Contacts list, as well as in all of my social media accounts.
It felt satisfying at the time.
But in the last minute, however, I decided to hold back on contacting him by phone. I couldn’t just apologise to him like that after threatening him with an Apprehended Violence Order if he ever came near me again. I knew that the right thing to do is to meet with him so we can talk to each other face to face.
But to arrange a meeting with Atticus, I still need to make that phone call.
Okay … here goes nothing.
I grab the phone off the charger on my nightstand table, my palms suddenly feeling sweaty and my heart gradually pitter-pattering at a fast rate.
“Call Atticus Foster,” I enunciate as clearly as possible, after pressing the button on my phone and hearing the beep, signalling me to speak.
I let out a big exhale as I press the phone against my ear. It’s dialing, but after a few seconds, I hear an automated message telling me that the phone is switched off.
Not wanting to give up so easily, I try again, and again. And after ten more attempts, the smile I had on has been replaced with a worried frown.
I get up from the bed, phone in hand, and I leave my room, heading straight towards Brook’s room, which I now know where by heart.
“Brodie?” I knock on the door several times, my ear plastered against the door so I can hear if he’s getting up.
“Brodie!” I try again.
“What?” Brodie answers, and I step back from the door as soon as I hear him approaching.
“Yeah?” he gruffly answers after opening the door.
“Morning, babe!” I hear Brook yell out sleepily.
“Morning,” I call out to Brook before turning back to Brodie. “He’s not answering,” I whisper.
“Who? Oh. Atticus?”
“Yeah. I tried several times,” I didn’t want to admit exactly how many, “but I think his phone is switched off, and I’m kind of getting worried.”
“Right. Okay. I’ll see if I can call his manager. Maybe he knows what’s going on with him,” Brodie sounds oddly calm compared to my near panicked state.
“I just hope he’s okay,” I know I sound worried, because I am. It’s the fear of the unknown, and I know I have to get over it.
Brodie squeezes my shoulder, trying to reassure me, “I’ll let you know as soon as I hear something, alright? He probably just needed to be alone after what happened at Gilroy’s that night.”
My chest squeezes tightly, but I nod and force a smile.
“I might as well make some coffee since I’m already up.”
“We’ll join you shortly.”
“Yeah … yeah, alright.” I turn away from him, and I head to the kitchen, my fingertips trailing along the wall of the hallway that leads me to where I need to go.
I turn on the TV, needing some sort of distraction to take my mind away from Atticus while I prepare my coffee. I know where everything is, and since the girls always make sure to put everything in its rightful spot, I pretty much know my way around the kitchen.
It also helps that I labelled all the essential items with my Braille labeller.
I’m already eating my cereal when Brodie and Brook join me at the table.
“Do you want anything else, Han?” Brodie asks. “I can make us some of my world-famous, buttermilk pancakes?”
“And I’ll cook some maple bacon too,” Brook chimes in.
I smile politely, shaking my head no, “My cereal’s fine, but thanks.”
“Okay, pancakes next time then,” Brodie answers. “What’s this shit show you’ve got on, sis?”
I shrug. I don’t even know what the hell I had on, but the TV show isn’t really helping me drown out the anxiety wreaking havoc in my guts, making even my favourite cereal taste like cardboard.
“Have you made contact with Atticus yet?” I finally ask.
“Nah. Phone’s still off,” I hear him approach, followed by a scraping sound as the dining chair next to me is being pulled back. “But I did speak to his manager.”
“And?” I ask, facing him.
He sighs, “And, apparently Atticus told him to confirm the gigs for The Tonight Show and Saturday Night Live. So if the rescheduling pulls through, judging by how keen the producers from these shows want him, he could be leaving as soon as the end of this week for meetings and rehearsals. And I don’t know when he’s coming back.”
“What?” My body feels like it’s been drenched in i
cy cold water, and I’m going into shock.
“Yup.”
“He’s leaving me again? He’s leaving indefinitely?”
“Technically speaking, Hannah, you let him go. You threatened him with an AVO, for Christ’s sake.”
“But I didn’t mean it though. I was angry and confused, and …”
“Maybe he’s just respecting your wishes.”
“Well, you guys aren’t out of the woods either. I felt like such a fool. Why didn’t you tell me Atticus was with me all this time?”
“If we told you that he still wanted to be a part of your life, would you have said yes?” Brooks asks from the kitchen.
“No,” I answer instantly. I’m not even going to deny it.
But now I wonder what would’ve happened had I said yes.
Hannah, you have to stop dwelling on the past. Mistakes or lessons learned, and the decisions you have made, would have to remain in the past if you even want a chance to move on.
And live.
Just live right now.
“Well, you people owe me, and you owe me big time! So I’m going to need you to make up for it as soon as possible. Maybe tonight?”
“Tonight? What do you want us to do?” Brodie asks.
An idea starts formulating in my head, getting clearer as my impromptu plan begins to take shape.
I’m using what Atticus did and turn it around on him.
“If Atticus is really leaving soon, do your best to make contact with him. But make him believe that he should still go ahead with his promos in the US. I don’t want him to change his plans again for my sake. But definitely do not tell Atticus that I want to talk to him. I want him to have no doubts whatsoever, that he should still leave.”
“Okay …” Brodie acknowledges, but obviously sounding confused. “I’m sure you have a point to all of this. Care to divulge?”
“Take him back to Ruby Red’s tonight for some farewell drinks.”