by E. S. Maria
The rain doesn’t let up when I turn towards the gated entrance of my destination. I know exactly where I’m going because this isn’t my first time in here. The nervous tightening building up in my guts tells me I’m closer, and by the time I park the car I feel like throwing up.
“You’re doing the right thing,” I tell myself repeatedly, stopping to silently curse because I have no umbrella, and I’m drenched like a wet dog.
But as soon as I stop in front of it, my nervous energy transforms into a sense of purpose.
“Hi, Paul,” I call out, squinting to see his headstone through the veil of heavy raindrops. “It’s been a while … a long while, actually.”
I pause, trying to form the words in my head into something coherent.
“I’m just going to get straight to the point, if that’s okay. I know that nothing I say or do will ever take back what happened all those years ago. But I want you to know that I love Hannah. I always have. And I will do all that I can to make her happy. That’s why I came here, Paul. I want to do the right thing by you. I want to ask Hannah to be my wife. I don’t know if she’ll say yes, all I know is that I want to make her happy for the rest of her life. And I can’t ask her without your blessing. I know how she still feels about you, and I completely respect that. You made her feel so loved at the time when she truly needed it. That’s why I’m here. Out of the same respect for what you’ve done for her, I’m here. All I need is a sign, Paul … a sign that you’re okay with this, and that you’ve finally set her free.”
For a moment, I forget how hard the rain is, until I realise how drenched my clothes are. I squeeze my eyes shut, turning my head up at the dark clouds and letting my face bear the solid drops of rain.
I don’t know what I was thinking earlier, coming here expecting a blessing from Paul, knowing how badly it ended for him and Hannah. Now I just feel stupid ... foolish.
But that was years ago. Paul was a good person. He’s in a happier place now so he can’t hold grudges.
I shake my head in resignation. I know what I just said to Paul. But I’m an impatient fuck. I’ve waited way too long to have my forever with Hannah. So I’m stuck between doing what I want and doing the right thing.
“I guess I have to let you think about it, mate. I don’t even know if I’m waiting for something that’s probably impossible to happen. But I think I’ve proven that I’m worthy of her, and I won’t fucking stop proving myself to her so you might just as well …” my voice is rising, and I need to get a grip.
“Well, I think I’ve said my piece. I’m going now before I make an even bigger fool of myself, not that anyone would see anyway, especially in this rain.” I take a few steps back, mud slushing on my favourite, worn-down Chucks.
“Goodbye, Paul,” I sheepishly give his headstone a brief nod, before turning and walking towards my car feeling battle-weary but not defeated.
Caught in my thoughts of what to do next, I wince when I feel the stinging heat on my back. When I lift my head up, that’s when I notice that the rain has stopped, and the sun has broken through the thick, gray clouds.
Impossible.
This doesn’t happen in real life, especially to someone like me.
Or does it?
After all, I have Hannah in my life when I thought I lost her forever … twice.
But it’s how brightly the sun is now shining, not to mention how hot the sun’s rays are on my skin that it leaves me with no unfathomable words to say.
Well, except for these: “Thank you, Paul,” I call out onto the heavens. “If this is what I think it is, then thank you … thank you.”
I leave the cemetery knowing exactly where to go and what to do next. I still have to ask Hannah’s parents for their blessing for Hannah’s hand in marriage. Then I will visit my own father and tell him I forgive him. If Paul can forgive Hannah and me from beyond the afterlife, and if Hannah can forgive my mistakes, then I should be able to forgive my father in this life. Things may not have been as I had hoped would be between us, but I’ll try my best to build that bridge if I have to, and hopefully, before it’s too late, my father will be willing to cross that bridge and forgive me for the sins he believes I have to pay for.
Hannah Mackenzie.
Her name instantly lifts my spirits.
After doing whatever else needs to be done in here, I will go back to the woman I love. I thought I lost her forever, just as she lost so much in her life.
But now, she is stronger than ever, and she has grown to accept her losses and even managed to use them as a source of strength.
I want to spend my days as her biggest fan, and if she lets me, her devoted husband.
She brings the light to my darkness, and I plan to be the light that she needs, for as long as she wants me to, for as long as I live.
I grin to myself as I make my way to my next stop, my heart pounding excitedly at the prospect of what’s next to come.
Forever with my Hannah.
Sounds like music to my ears.
~THE END~
LIFE AFTER LIGHT PLAYLIST
“Rock Star” ~ N.E.R.D.
“Be Still” ~ The Fray
“Storm” ~ Lifehouse
“Waves” ~ Mr. Probz
“Gone, Gone, Gone” ~ Phillip Phillips
“Let You Go” ~ Alex G
“Hurricane” ~ Mindy Smith
“For You I Will” ~ Teddy Geiger
“Holding On and Letting Go” ~ Ross Copperman
“Same as the Sun” ~ Jesse Cole
“I’m Fallin for You” ~ Chester See
“Perfect for Me” ~ Ron Pope
“Touch” ~ Daughter
“Stay” ~ Miley Cyrus
“When I Look at You” (Cover) ~ Julia Sheer
“The Light” ~ Sara Bareilles
“Light Outside” ~ Wakey!Wakey!
“The Beautiful People” ~ Marilyn Manson
“Light Years Away” ~ MoZella
“Forever Like That” ~ Ben Rector
“Crazy in Love” (Cover) ~ Daniela Andrade
“Words” ~ Skylar Grey
“Undone” ~ Haley Reinhart
“Dancing” ~ Elisa
“Lover of the Light” ~ Mumford & Sons
“Falling Slowly” ~ Glen Hansard
“Strong” ~ London Grammar
“World Spins Madly On” ~ The Weepies
“Shiver” ~ Lucy Rose
“The Reason” ~ Hoobastank
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS
Third book done and dusted. Three books in two years. Wow! I can’t believe it. Sometimes I just stare in space and wonder how, between a full-time career, a family with two kids, and pounding on the words, do I even have time to shower or do any bodily functions for that matter. I know that I won’t be able to do all of these without a lot of help and a lot of love from an amazing group of people in my life.
First of all, I want to thank something that’s closer to home: my brain. Thank you, brain for not giving up on me, for functioning even in the wee hours of the morning after already exhausting you during the day. Your resilience and never-give-up attitude is admirable, especially when you don’t shut down on me when I need you the most. Sure, sometimes you forget certain things, but that’s okay. It happens. We all have our bad days. But trust me when I say that without you, I cannot literally function. For reals.
I also want to thank my heart. Thank you for working with my brain and helping me find the correct emotions when I’m writing certain scenes of the book. Thank you for letting me know that I’m on the right track by beating fast when I’ve written something on point. We have had our little spats, and you made me think I was having a heart attack on a couple of occasions, but I’ve got nothing but love for you. Sometimes we just let our emotions get the better of us. But always know that I love you as much as I love my brain. At the expense of sounding corny, I can’t live without you two. You guys rock.
To my dad, I love you, and I’m sorry I
don’t cook as much as I used to. But I promise to do more when I’m in-between my writing breaks, though I doubt if my standards are as good as yours because the food you cook is amazeballs. To my mum-editor, thank you for the feedback and for not being so liberal with your red marks as you used to. Does that mean I’m improve and I ken acchually write English proper? Maybe not, but thank you for correcting them so they’re understandable. Seriously though, I love you and Dad so much, not just because I have to say that, but because I’m lucky to be your daughter, just as my kids are lucky to have you two as their grandparents. Sorry about my hubs though … just bear with him, his pranks are just his cheeky way of showing how much he loves you … I hope.
Which leads me to my ex-boyfriend. Thank you for breaking up with me so you could propose and marry me. You’re so damn lucky to have me as your wifey, it’s not even funny. But if it makes you feel any better, I hit the jackpot with you. Thank you for your help, your support, for your unconditional love, and like I said before, for buying me sushi when I need it the most. You are my BFF and BBF all rolled into one, and so easy on the eyes I can stare at you all day. But if I do stare too long, I’m probably just procrastinating so please tell me to get back to my work immediately.
To my children, Thing One and Thing Two, I love you more than I love myself, or sushi. Thank you for giving me space when I’m in the zone, also ‘you’re welcome’ every time you distract me and I don’t get upset. And if I do get upset, I’m so sorry. Mama needs to hustle sometimes. I’ll explain what the word hustle means when you get a little older, and I’ll try to explain it in good context.
To my golden girl, Latifah, thank you for being so gosh darn cute!
To my fantastic betas, Di Ainsworth, Tonette Davis, and Kitch Ponce, thank you, thank you, thank you for the feedback, the suggestions, and for the positive encouragements that helped improve the story. And Kell Donaldson, you believed in me since Autumn Falls, and have continued your unwavering support. You’ve no idea how precious that is to me. I mean it. I’m blessed to have you amazing ladies in my life and I’m forever grateful that you spent your precious time on my work in progress. I don’t know how to return all of your efforts, except to promise to continue to deliver quality stories for you ladies to read … or maybe a bottle of vodka or tequila each? You’re choosing option two, aren’t you?
Obsessive Pimpettes Promotions, especially Maria Lazarou, thank you for pimping my book to the best of your abilities and for being super nice and easy to communicate with. You all do an amazing job!
For the bloggers and readers, new bookish friends and lovers (maybe not that so much) who have or have not read the book, thank you for your support, for the shares, for the comments, and for the feedbacks. You make all of the long hours and sacrifices worthwhile. Truly. If you haven’t read the book though….c’mon, help a sister out!
Life after Light was not an easy story for me to write because it’s emotionally charged, and deals with loss of a loved one. Some parts of the story are true to my own experiences of loss, but in our lifetime, we all go through some kind it one way or the other, and we all deal with it differently … some better than others. I’ve shed many a tear in-between paragraphs and chapters that sometimes I had to close my laptop and just step away from it. But even through all of that, I can honestly say that I love every character, every phrase, every word in this book. I hope you’ll love Hannah, Atticus, Paul, Brodie, Brook, Patty, and even Mum and Dad Mackenzie as much as I did. I hope you find little bits of yourselves in them, just like I did. And I hope that after reading this book, you will take away something good, something positive … just like I did.
I love you all greater than the universe!
Me out.
*Drops mic*
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
E.S. Maria is the author of The Autumn Series: Autumn Falls (her debut novel) and Autumn Reigns.
Happily married with two kids (a boy and a girl), she crunches numbers by day and counts her words at night. She lives in Sydney, Australia and loves to satisfy her wanderlust by travelling with her family. You’ll most likely see her tapping away on her phone, noting down book ideas or scenarios to add to her works in progress.
If you would like to know more about her, and her upcoming novels, please check out the links below. Your feedback and comments are more than welcome. She would love to hear from all of you!
Website: esmariawrites.wordpress.com
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ESMariaAuthor
Twitter: https://twitter.com/AuthorESMaria
Instagram: https://instagram.com/evette88/
Email: [email protected]
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/8058885.E_S_Maria