by Rinelle Grey
He’d pinned so much hope on this. What if it changed nothing? What if he and Amelie couldn’t make things work?
What if it changed the way she felt about him?
Kugah gave himself a shake. It wasn’t about him right now. They needed to see if they could help Amelie’s people first.
And his friend Kerit.
Folly wasn’t present, even though she’d wanted to be. Amelie had refused, firmly but politely, saying that she wouldn’t let Folly into the operating room either, and this was no different.
Kugah could understand why. It was going to be hard enough for them to figure this out without a third person asking questions.
Kerit lay still in the capsule, in a state of suspended animation, as the machine sequenced his genome.
Lucky the Gokak were thousands of light years away. What they wouldn’t give for access to this knowledge.
Amelie stared at the readout. “I don’t know what any of it means,” she exclaimed in frustration. “How am I supposed to figure this out?”
“Kugah gelp,” Kugah assured her. He’d spent the last hour researching all the information he could find on the human’s genetic makeup. There were only a few proteins, and it hadn’t been hard to figure out what they were. The translation shouldn’t be that hard.
He’d sequenced more than enough alien genomes himself. There were many differences, but also a lot of similarities. It was just a matter of cracking the code.
He picked out the first piece of genetic code and began to translate it into the letters the humans used to represent the genetic pattern.
As she saw a familiar code appearing, the glaze over Amelie’s eyes disappeared. “we don’t need to translate all of it,” she said. “We’re not altering Kerit’s DNA. I’m after the telomeres, the different bits at the end of the DNA.”
Kugah nodded. “How do we identify those?” he typed, as the machine continued the translation he’d set up.
Amelie frowned. “We need to find the terminal restriction fragment. It should have a specific pattern of genes…” she stared at the information in front of them for a few moments, then pointed, “There. That’s it. We need to fix everything before that point.”
But how, that was the question. Neither the Gokak or the Sofana’s genetics relied on telomeres, so Kugah had no blueprint for what they should look like.
He stared at Amelie.
Of course he had a blueprint. It was right in front of him. He just didn’t want to put her into the machine.
It was silly, really. The Metamorphosis Device itself didn’t cause problems, it was how it was used. Still, his fingers shook as he typed, “Need to sequence Amelie’s genes too, to get the correct sequence.”
She didn’t even hesitate. “Of course. I should have realised.” Without waiting, she hit the controls to wake Kerit up.
Kugah stood back, not speaking, as she explained the situation to Kerit, who took it just as easily as she did. They swapped places, and Kerit stood watching Kugah, obviously expecting him to do something.
Kugah stared at the machine with Amelie lying inside. Why was it so hard to convince himself that nothing would go wrong? That she would come out the same person she had gone in. He wasn’t even modifying anything, for goodness sakes, just sequencing.
But he couldn’t make himself hit the button.
“What’s wrong?” Kerit asked, his brow furrowing. “Do you need help?”
Kugah gave himself a shake. This was silly. If he was going to be part of this society, he needed to get over these fears. He stepped forwards and pressed the buttons.
The Metamorphosis Device hummed as it delved into Amelie’s genetic makeup, a blueprint of her flashing up on the screen, bit by bit.
But those letters and numbers weren’t really who she was, any more than they were who he was.
Some of the tension in his shoulders eased. This was going to be okay.
It took him only a few moments to identify the telomere’s now Amelie had pointed them out to him, even though hers looked far different to Kerit’s. He keyed the machine to begin analysing them to replicate them, then woke Amelie as soon as possible.
It was a relief to see her sit up and give him that familiar smile. “Did you work it out?”
Kugah nodded and she jumped out of the capsule to stand next to him and look.
Amelie pointed and commented, actually seeming quite excited by the information. Her enthusiasm was quite infectious, and Kugah soon forgot about the machine’s origins in helping her create a blueprint for healing Kerit. He wanted her to understand the machine thoroughly, so even though she would have left it to him, he insisted she do the work. That way, she would be confident that she could do it again.
Finally, they had it.
“Right, are you ready?” Amelie turned to Kerit and smiled.
Kerit nodded, but even Kugah could see the strain around his eyes. He was nervous about this.
Kugah couldn’t blame him. He would be too, when it came to his turn.
“You won’t feel anything,” he typed, hoping to reassure Kerit. “You’ll be asleep for the whole process.”
“That somehow makes it worse,” Kerit joked. “It will hardly feel like I’ve been cured if it doesn’t even hurt.”
But he came across and climbed back into the capsule. “See you on the other side, Doc.”
Typical of Kerit, for his last words to be a joke.
Amelie smiled and lowed the lid of the capsule, and Kugah keyed the machine to begin the process. Then all they could do was wait.
Kugah stared at the Metamorphosis Device for a few moments, and when he looked up, Amelie was staring at him.
“KaGeeGee?” he asked, wondering what as on her mind.
“So are you looking forward to your turn?” she asked curiously. “I mean, I don’t even know what you’re going to look like after this. What is your true shape?”
Kugah frowned.
Suddenly, this didn’t seem right. He fumbled for the tablet, and typed, “I am looking forward to not being a weapon, yes, but I’m not sure I can ever, really be the same person I was again. Too much has changed.”
Amelie smiled and laid a hand on his arm. “Who you are isn’t defined by what you look like, Kugah. It’s about what you believe in. That’s not going to change.”
Kugah nodded. He knew that. It was the one thing he’d learned on this journey, but something still didn’t feel right.
“But who I am on the outside should reflect that too. This body has become part of me in a way, and though I hated it at first, I’ve come to appreciate the things it has enabled me to do. Without it, I wouldn’t have been able to protect you from the radiation. I wouldn’t have been able to fight off the Gokak, and escape my planet to return home with you.”
Amelie frowned. Her hand on his arm froze. “But, Kugah, in that body we can’t… well, you know.”
He did know exactly what she meant. “I know,” he typed. “That is why I want to change. I will change. But it just occurred to me that I have the chance to choose who I want to be. Not in an emotional sense, but in a physical sense. I have a chance to see if I can make my physical body represent who I feel like inside.”
Amelie’s eyes widened. She got it. “That’s true,” she said. She smiled up at him. “So who do you want to be?”
Kugah thought about that for a moment. Who did he want to be?
Mostly, he wanted to be someone Amelie could love. Someone she wasn’t embarrassed to be seen with by her friends.
“Once we have sequenced enough different human’s, the machine will have enough information that I could be human, like you are,” he typed.
Amelie’s eyes widened. Then to his surprise, she frowned. “But you’re not human,” she said. Stating the obvious. “You could pretend to be human, yes, but that’s not who you really are. And you don’t have to pretend for me.” She smiled, and put a hand up against his cheek. “Don’t you get it, Kugah? I love you for who you
are. You don’t need to change for me to love you. Even if you were stuck in this body forever, I’d still love you.”
Kugah’s heart swelled with love at her words. It meant a lot to him that she cared about him that much.
But he didn’t see any point in making their lives harder. “Your friends will accept our relationship more easily if I look human. They won’t keep putting pressure on you.” He couldn’t bear it if she began to resent who he was. He’d rather make the change than risk that.
Amelie smiled. “They’ve already accepted you, Kugah. And our relationship. You saw that. Anyway, it’s not their choice. If they can’t handle it, then they’re not very good friends, are they?”
Kugah found it hard to believe her words. That she would choose him over her friends. But if she said it, then it must be true.
There was just one other issue.
“If I was human, we could have a baby together. I know you want that. It’s something I want to share with you.”
To his surprise, Amelie’s face went dark. “That’s not going to happen,” she said shortly. She turned away from him. “If you’re wanting children, Kugah, you’re going to need to pick someone else.”
Kugah stared at her, bewildered. What had he said wrong? He’d watched her with Camali, he’d seen how much she wanted a baby. So why was she angry now? Why didn’t she want to have a baby with him?
It must be because of him. That’s why she was trying to talk him out of this. She didn’t want a baby with an alien, even if he looked like a human.
Despite what she was saying, deep down, she would never see him the same way she’d see another human.
If that was the case, there was no point to any of this. No point in changing at all. At least with his armour, he could hide behind it. No one needed to know what he was feeling, or how much he was hurting.
Kugah stood up abruptly, letting the tablet fall to the floor. It bounced once, then slid under the table.
He couldn’t breathe. He needed to get out of here. Away from Amelie.
Away from the hurt and pain that was even worse than when his grandmother had rejected him. Because this time he’d let his guard down, and it wormed its way right inside his heart, freezing it from the inside out.
At least that dulled the pain. Shut him off from it. He couldn’t feel anything, but that was better than the pain.
He just had to be careful not to let it thaw.
Amelie didn’t even look up as he walked out of the room.
*****
Tears fell faster as Kugah left the room. Amelie couldn’t look up.
She’d thought he was different. She’d thought he loved her for who she was.
She thought that she’d finally found someone who would never want to have a baby with her. Who would never even ask, much less care.
She’d been wrong.
Kugah wanted children so badly, he was willing to become human to do it.
Well, there weren’t a lot of choices on this ship, but she was pretty sure he could find someone.
It just wouldn’t be her.
It would never be her.
“Amelie? Is something wrong? Did the Metamorphosis Device not work?”
Amelie dashed away the tears at the sound of Tyris’s concerned voice. “No, everything’s fine. Kerit is undergoing the treatment now, it’s nearly done. Kugah just…” her voice broke, and she took a deep breath, willing it to continue, “I think Kugah was overwhelmed by memories of his own transformation. He isn’t ready to do it again, I don’t think. It’s very emotional for him. I didn’t realise how afraid of it he was.”
Hopefully that would answer Tyris’s question, and he’d go away and leave her alone.
Instead, he walked further into the room, around the Metamorphosis Device, and looked directly at her. “What’s wrong, Amelie?”
“Nothing,” she mumbled.
Apart from his short lapse into distrusting Kugah, Amelie considered Tyris and Marlee to be her best friends on this ship. They were almost family so she appreciated Tyris’s concern, but she really didn’t want to talk right now.
She didn’t have anything to say.
Typically, though, Tyris wasn’t going to give up. “Kugah didn’t look like he was afraid of something, or like nothing was wrong. He was stomping out of here like the two of you had had a fight.”
Amelie shrugged, trying to keep her face blank. “Maybe we did. It doesn’t matter.”
She was sure Tyris was going to press her more, but at that moment, the Metamorphosis Device beeped. Amelie turned back, and wished Kugah was here to translate for her. She was pretty sure this meant the process was done, and that she just had to press the button to open the capsule lid.
Taking a deep breath, she pressed the button. The lid slid back, and Kerit’s eyes opened.
Amelie watched him carefully as he smiled and sat up. “How do you feel?” she asked sharply.
“Like I could surf the next big wave,” Kerit said with a smile. “Haven’t felt this good in days.”
Tyris came into the room and thumped him on the back, albeit a little more gently than usual. “Glad to see you on the mend, Ker.”
Amelie was too, but she wasn’t going to trust this outcome yet. “I need to run an ECG and check your heart thoroughly. Then I want to run my own blood tests, just to be sure.
Kerit didn’t object. “Sure, Doc, whatever you say.” But his smile was wide.
Amelie turned to Tyris. “I don’t think Kugah is going to want to undergo his treatment right now, but I still recommend waiting a couple of days. I’ll monitor Kerit, and begin making up a list to start as soon as possible. Beginning with you.”
Kerit looked at her strangely, but after a glance up at Tyris, he didn’t comment.
Tyris looked like he might object, and Amelie didn’t wait to find out if it was about Kugah, or about waiting on his own treatment. She kept talking. “Kugah has shown me how to use the machine, so I think we need to get everyone who is dangerously ill through first, followed by the older generation. After that, we should take a brief break to wait for possible longer term side effects before continuing through everyone else.”
Tyris nodded, and slipped into captain mode. “That sounds like a good plan. Congratulations, Amelie, it looks like you’ve done it.”
Amelie nodded, and tried to smile. But she didn’t feel like she’d achieved anything. The loss of Kugah, of who she’d thought he was, dampened any relief she might have felt.
Without him, everything just felt empty.
Chapter 36
Amelie couldn’t help smiling as she watched happy couples eating breakfast together in the mess hall, even though her heart felt empty. She tried to tell herself she had a lot to be grateful for. A week ago, she’d been sure most of them would die. Today, everyone was looking almost normal.
They’d made it through the most urgent of the patients, and Tyris had insisted she take two days off and rest. Amelie had agreed, since the time would give her a chance to watch for any side effects of the genetic engineering treatment. So far though, none were showing up.
The work had kept her busy, too busy to think about Kugah. Most of the time, anyway. When she’d fallen asleep on the stretcher in the cargo bay, she’d dreamed of him.
That line of thought brought her mood down, so she was glad when Tyris stopped at her table, sitting on the corner, his legs swinging. “How’s it going, Amelie?”
Amelie was at a loss. She’d thought of nothing but work the last few days. It took a concentrated effort to try to figure out how she was doing. And as soon as she thought about it, it just hurt.
She missed Kugah. A lot.
Not that she was going to say any of that to Tyris. “I’m not too bad,” she said instead.
Tyris stole one of the roasted carrots on her plate, chewing a bite and swallowing before saying, “That’s good to hear. I’m sure the last week has been quite a strain on you. I’m glad you’re taking a few days to
rest. But first, I need to talk to you about Talah.”
Amelie felt a flash of anger towards the man who had caused so many issues. “What about him?”
“I need to decide what to do about him, and since you were the one he threatened, I thought you might have some opinions. I also need to know if you want to offer him the genetic engineering treatment.”
Oh, she had a lot of opinions. None of them fitted with her role as a compassionate, reasonable doctor.
Or with the reality of the situation. “We’re stuck on a spaceship in the middle of nowhere,” she said tiredly. “We need to be able to work together, and having someone locked up at this point is hardly going to help any. Offer him the treatment, though I suspect he’ll refuse it, then give him a warning and let it go.”
Tyris raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Do you have any other ideas?”
“I don’t know,” Tyris admitted. “I do feel that we need to make it clear that this situation isn’t acceptable. I’m just not sure how.”
That wouldn’t be an easy task. “We don’t have the manpower to keep him locked up, or to police some sort of punishment,” Amelie pointed out. “And anyway, if he keeps refusing treatment, he isn’t going to live long. At this point, I think our best option is to demonstrate compassion.”
It was hard to say it. She still found it hard to forgive Talah for destroying the serum she’d worked so hard to make. But she also had to admit that if he hadn’t, then she never would have convinced Tyris to let her and Kugah retrieve the code for the Metamorphosis Device. In the end, this outcome was far better for everyone, even if it hadn’t been Talah’s intention.
Tyris was staring at her. He nodded slowly. “I knew there was a reason I came to you. You’re right. Punishing him now, when he’s dying anyway, seems unjustly cruel.”
Amelie nodded. “Glad I could help. Is there anything else?”
Tyris shook his head, and stood up. “I’ll offer him the treatment one last time, but I’m pretty sure he’ll still refuse it.”
Amelie hesitated, but she couldn’t help herself. “Do you want me to come?”
“Would you?”