by Rinelle Grey
Marlee looked slightly mollified, but only slightly. “That would be fine. If I needed help. But I don’t.”
Her refusal wasn’t quite so forceful this time.
Amelie hesitated. When she had been sure of her motives, she’d had no hesitation in suggesting that Marlee would be better off if she wasn’t caring for a second child. Now, she wasn’t so sure. Would this really help Marlee?
The reality of what she was saying hit her full force.
She was doing it again. Why did she always put everyone else’s needs ahead of her own?
She did want this. And she wanted it more than Marlee did. Marlee was doing what was right, and fighting for it because she knew she could cope. And she could.
But so could Amelie.
Not that she was quite ready to admit that. Yet.
Instead, she said, “You’ve had a rough month, Marlee, and it’s likely to get rougher before it improves. We’re going to have a lot to do once we find our new home, and you and the others from Zerris are going to have to teach us all how to survive without all the conveniences we’re used to. That’s going to be hard to do if you’re trying to care for two babies at once.”
Marlee’s eyes widened. Amelie was pretty sure she was trying to imagine gardening, or milking a goat, or whatever other things she’d done to survive back on Zerris, while holding two babies. From the wrinkle on her brow, Amelie was pretty sure that picture wasn’t looking as pretty as Marlee had first thought.
Tyris capitalised on her moment of weakness. “I’m going to need you to help me, Marlee. These people followed us, believing we knew what we were doing, and how to survive. Believing you did. They’re going to want to see you doing it. It will help make the transition easier for all of them.”
Marlee bit her lip. She looked at Tyris for a long moment, then at Amelie. Then she sighed. “How can I stand up to the two of you when you gang up on me like that?” Her rueful smile took the sting out of her words. “And yes, you’re both right. I would love an evening at home with just Tyris and Isala. It just feels like I’m abandoning poor little Camali.”
“You’re not, I promise,” Amelie said earnestly. “I’ll love her like she’s my own.”
It hit her, right at that moment, that if Marlee agreed, Camali would be her own. Her own daughter, to lavish all the love she had been saving for so long.
Without warning, tears pricked at the back of her eyes. She blinked, trying to banish them.
But Marlee’s eyes were sharp and before she could move, Amelie found herself pulled into a hug with Marlee and two babies.
Then she did start crying. For the second time that day, Amelie bawled her eyes out.
When she finally managed to stop, she did feel better. Completely wrung out, but in a good way.
“Why didn’t you say that you loved her?” Marlee demanded. “I should have realised. You looked after her from the moment she was born, and again when everyone was sick. You’re as much her mother as I am.”
She glared at Tyris, as though he should have known and told her.
“I didn’t realise,” Amelie admitted. “Or at least, I didn’t think I had any right to love her.”
“Amelie feels bad because her mother died under her care,” Tyris said softly.
Marlee smiled. “Of course you do,” she said. “You’re a doctor, that’s what you do. But it wasn’t your fault. And I’m sure that if you’d asked her, Junie would have wanted you to care for Camali.”
Amelie wasn’t so sure, but then again, she’d only really known Junie while she was suffering from dementia. Either way, she wasn’t around to make a decision.
“I’m not sure I can ever do as good a job as you’ve done,” she said, doubts suddenly rearing their ugly heads.
“I’m sure you can,” Marlee said confidently.
Amelie’s admission and tears seemed to have removed the last doubts from Marlee’s mind. She handed Camali to Amelie, and spun away. “I’ll just grab her things.”
Amelie stared down at the little baby, awe welling up in her.
She was a mother.
Chapter 39
When her tablet beeped with an incoming message, Amelie unwound herself from around Camali reluctantly. The baby stirred, but Amelie tucked the blanket in around her, and she went back to sleep.
Padding to the table, Amelie picked up the tablet with a half smile. It was probably Marlee, asking what time she was bringing Camali around. Which would be soon. Amelie might be a mother, but she was also the ship’s doctor, and she still had patients to treat.
It wasn’t Marlee.
The little blinking light indicated a message from Kugah. And not just a text message, this was something longer.
Amelie’s heart thumped as her finger hovered over the read button.
What did Kugah want to say? Why was he sending her a message now? Had he heard she had adopted Camali, and that had changed his mind? And if so, did she want to hear it?
Amelie bit back a sigh. She couldn’t not look. Curiosity would overcome her eventually, even if she tried. Best to get it over with.
She opened the message.
Dear Amelie,
First, I just want to say that if you don’t want to read this, I understand. I made a mistake, and even though I didn’t know it, I’m sorry for any distress it might have caused. I have been trying to understand what upset you, and I think now I know.
I overheard you talking to Tyris in the corridor outside the bridge the other day, and you telling him that you couldn’t have children. Knowing this fact, I can see that my suggesting becoming human so that we could have a baby must have hurt you.
Amelie put the tablet down for a minute, trying to control the tears pricking at the back of her eyelids.
Kugah had overheard her conversation with Tyris. That was what had prompted him to send the message.
Of course, him knowing what had upset her didn’t necessarily fix anything. If he wanted children, this could just be a letter saying goodbye.
She picked the tablet up, needing to know.
I just wanted to let you know that the only reason I made the suggestion was because I thought having a baby was important to you. I’d seen you with Camali, and I could see how much you wanted that. I wanted you to have everything your heart desired, and I didn’t want you to miss out on anything because you chose me as a mate.
If you chose me as a mate.
In reality, I don’t see why you ever would. I don’t feel that I have anything to offer you at all, but you seem… seemed… not to mind that. You seemed to see something that made you care about me, maybe?
I hope I haven’t broken that forever.
Because I see a lot about you that makes me want to be your mate. You are the most kind and caring woman I’ve ever known. Many of the women I grew up with thought they were kind, but their kindness always involved judgement. Many cared for those around them, but in the way they thought was right, not with consideration for another’s real needs.
You aren’t like that. You seem to genuinely care for everyone, even those who disagree with you, or even abuse you.
Even for someone as different as I am.
This time Amelie had to look away because her eyes were full of tears, making it hard to read Kugah’s letter. Did he really think all of that about her? Didn’t he realise that inside her heart, she was just like everyone else?
Still, it made her feel good that he thought she was special. No one else ever had.
She wiped away the tears. The only thing keeping her from running straight to Kugah to tell him of course she still cared about him, was her need to read the rest of his letter.
More than all that though, when I’m with you, I don’t feel broken. I don’t even feel that different, even though we are about as physically different as two species can be. I feel a connection between us that transcends all that.
That is why I’m writing this. On the chance, however slim, that I haven’t damaged our
potential relationship forever.
If there is any way you can give me a second chance Amelie, I will do everything I can never to disappoint you again.
Love,
Kugah.
Sobs wracked Amelie’s body, and she couldn’t help feeling horridly guilty. She let her past cause her to misjudge Kugah badly. How could she ever have assumed that his motives would mirror those of other men she’d known. Not even that many of them, since she’d never given many a chance.
She should have known Kugah wasn’t like that. She should have talked to him, and given him a chance to explain.
She should have explained what she was upset about to him. How could she possibly have expected him to understand, or assumed that his comment meant he wouldn’t still care for her after he knew the truth?
This whole mess was her fault, yet he was the one who was apologising.
Amelie put the tablet down and quickly got dressed. Then she scooped up Camali as gently as possible, before hesitating. But the baby was part of her family now. Kugah seemed okay with having children, so hopefully he wouldn’t mind the fact that she was now a package deal. Either way, she was going to be totally honest with him about it.
She smiled and tucked the baby into the sling, before heading to Kugah’s quarters as quickly as she could.
The corridors were deserted this early in the morning. They’d been sitting here in space for so long that everyone was becoming lethargic, only leaving their rooms when necessary.
When she knocked on Kugah’s door though, there was no answer.
Amelie knocked again, a little louder, but there were no sounds inside.
Feeling a little lost, Amelie stared at the door. Where could he be?
She remembered Tyris talking about something last night. Something planned for this morning. And Kugah had been involved.
She hesitated for a moment. If she contacted Tyris to find out where Kugah was, he would know that something was going on. Did she really want that?
Amelie almost laughed out loud. Did it matter? Tyris only wanted what was best for her, and would encourage her in her relationship with Kugah.
She called him on her communicator.
“Yes, Amelie?” Tyris responded immediately.
Butterflies set up a storm in Amelie’s stomach. “I was just wondering where Kugah is?”
There was a pause on the other end of the communicator. “He’s out doing a test flight. But he should be back any minute. Why don’t you come down to the shuttle bay and wait with us?”
What was Kugah doing, going on a test flight without the doctor present?
“I’ll be right there,” Amelie said.
She headed to the shuttle bay, her steps certain.
As she had guessed, the area was busy. Nerris, Folly, and Kerit were there too. All of them stared at the console in front of them. When he saw her, Tyris waved her over.
Everyone smiled as she joined them.
“Kugah is in the Tahlia Mae, near the wormhole you generated, testing the shield Nerris has created,” Tyris explained. “So far, all the readings look good.”
Amelie frowned, her professional side kicking in. “You should have called me,” she scolded. “I need to check the readings to be sure they’re below harmful levels.”
“I was planning on running the data past you,” Tyris excused. There was a slight pause before he continued, but it was enough. Amelie knew his exclusion was out of concern. “You have enough work on your plate. Besides, the readings are perfect. No radiation at all makes it through the shield.”
He showed Amelie.
She scanned the data, but Tyris was right. The shield worked perfectly.
Tyris hit the communicator in front of him. “That’s all the data we need, Kugah,” Tyris said. “Come on in.”
It seemed to take forever for Kugah to return, though in reality it couldn’t have been more than twenty minutes.
When Kugah stepped out of the Tahlia Mae, he didn’t see her at first. She took a moment to stare hungrily at him. She’d missed him this last week. More than she ever would have suspected.
Then his eyes met hers. They bored into her, and Amelie could just imagine the uncertainty he must be feeling. He glanced quickly away, typing something on the tablet and showing it to Tyris.
Tyris nodded. “No radiation at all made it through the shield. We can jump to the planet Glesin pegged as a possible new home tomorrow morning.”
His voice was filled with suppressed excitement.
Amelie couldn’t help feeling a little excited too. She hadn’t known they were quite that close. “Don’t you think we should do a test with the whole ship first?” she suggested. “I know it’s worked fine with the Tahlia Mae, but as we know, scaling something up isn’t always the same. And we still have to check that the AWP can form a wormhole large enough for the whole ship. I know it’s hard to wait, but we don’t want to end up in the same dramas we’ve already been through. We should do a very short jump, and test for radiation inside the ship. It shouldn’t take more than an extra day or two.”
She could see the impatience vying with responsibility on Tyris’s face, but after a moment, he nodded. “Of course,” he agreed. “We want to be certain this time. An extra day or two is worth it to be sure it’s safe for everyone.”
Amelie nodded, and couldn’t help glancing over at Kugah, who was still keeping his distance. He turned back to the console, checking the data that Tyris had collected.
Tyris noticed her look, but didn’t say anything directly. “I’ll leave you to get back to work,” was all he said, then he almost faded away. Amelie saw him give signals to the others, and they disappeared too, leaving her and Kugah alone.
Since he didn’t look up from the console, Kugah missed the signals.
Taking a deep breath, Amelie walked across to him. He didn’t move until she put a hand on his arm, then his eyes shifted to her face, staring at her intently.
“KaGeeGee?”
“I’m so sorry, Kugah. You didn’t do anything wrong, it was all me. I interpreted your actions based on past relationships.” She hesitated, then told him what she hadn’t even been able to tell Tyris. “My boyfriend left me when he found out I couldn’t have children. I was afraid you would too.”
Kugah’s hand squeezed hers, his eyes on her face. Was it her imagination, or did he seem to be sharing her distress.
Amelie talked quickly, so she could get the words out before she started bawling again. She didn’t want to do that. She’d done enough crying for a year. “Anyway, I should have known that you wouldn’t just walk away from me because we couldn’t have children. Or I should have at least given you the chance to make that choice, without trying to make it for you.”
Kugah shook his head. He fumbled for the tablet, and typed, “It’s not your fault. It’s hard to take a risk when you’ve been hurt before.”
“I know,” Amelie agreed. “It’s hard for both of us. But I want to take that chance. I think it’s going to be worth it this time.”
She looked down at the sleeping baby in the sling on her chest. “Of course, it’s not just me anymore. I’m afraid you’re getting a ready-made family after all. If that’s what you want?” Suddenly, doubts assailed her.
But when she looked up at Kugah, he was giving her the closest thing to a smile his armoured lips could manage.
“I’d love nothing more,” he typed, before dropping the tablet and pulling her into an awkward hug.
A couple of cheers echoed around the shuttle bay, and Amelie felt herself blushing. Apparently Tyris and the others hadn’t disappeared as far as she’d thought they had. She didn’t mind though. She pulled back just far enough to smile at Tyris, and say, “Looks like those extra few days will be needed anyway. Kugah still has to undergo his own transformation.” She looked up at Kugah. “Into whoever you want to be this time.”
Chapter 40
Kugah stood proudly next to Amelie as Tyris pressed the button to
open the wormhole. He knew it was a sign of the human’s trust that he was here on the bridge instead of up on the observation deck with the rest of the passengers, but what made him happiest was that everyone here accepted his presence at Amelie’s side.
The wormhole grew rapidly from its pinprick of light, into its full size. This time hopefully much bigger than the ship itself.
They were testing two things in this trip; the modifications Nerris had made to the AWP to make it large enough for the Resolution, as well as the shield’s ability to protect them from the radiation.
He had no doubts on the last one. The shield had protected him perfectly on the test flight. But Amelie and Tyris stared at the recalibrated radiation meter in the middle of the room anyway.
The needle didn’t move from its resting point.
“Right. Let’s go,” Tyris said, his voice full of suppressed excitement.
“Wait a sec,” Glesin called out. Marlee’s father was bent over a console on the other side of the room, but when he looked up, he was frowning.
Something was wrong. Kugah looked at the needle on the radiation meter, but it hadn’t moved.
“What is it?” Tyris demanded. “The radiation is fine, and the wormhole looks big enough.” He glanced at Nerris, but the engineer nodded, looking as bemused as everyone else.
“Yes, but I’m not sure where it’s going,” Glesin said.
The ominous tone in his voice sent a shiver down Kugah’s spine. Where could the wormhole be going other than wherever Glesin had set? And how?
“What do you mean, not sure where it’s going?” Tyris asked. “It should be going to the coordinates you set.”
“It’s not showing the right readings for that. In fact, it’s emitting solar radiation. I may have messed up the coordinates and sent it into a star. Give me a minute.” He bent over the console in front of him.
No one said a word. They were all too shocked at his comments.
Kugah was too. Glesin had gone over his data several times before entering the wormhole coordinates. How could he have entered the wrong ones? It wasn’t like him at all.