by M. S. Parker
Shit.
I'd had plenty of people not care if I got off, but I'd never let anyone be in control of whether or not I climaxed. It was one of the many reasons I'd always made sure I was in control.
I watched as he stretched out between my legs, unable to stop myself from appreciating the beauty of the intricate ink that covered his back. I didn't know if there was a story behind the Celtic cross that ran the length of his spine and across his shoulders, only that I'd spent more than a few hours this weekend tracing every line with my fingers and mouth.
“You're so beautiful,” Rylan said as he pressed his lips against my inner thigh.
There was already a mark there from some time yesterday. I wasn't sure when he'd done it. He gently sucked on the same spot, sending new ripples of pleasure through me. He hadn't even gotten started and I already knew this would be the most exquisite torture.
He moved slowly, taking his time as he worked his tongue and lips over my sensitive skin, making his way to the place I wanted him most. I'd already been wet from going down on him, but by the time he reached my pussy, I was soaked. He used his fingers to spread me open and ran the flat of his tongue all the way up. I moaned at the sensation, the sound turning into a gasp as he dipped his tongue into me, lapping up the copious amount of juices from my arousal. When he moved up to my clit, I cried out, my hips bucking up against him.
I glared down at him as he pulled back and he smiled at me.
“Are you ready?” he asked. He flicked out his tongue, barely touching the tip of my clit. “Because this is going to get intense.”
I wrapped my fingers around my restraints and nodded. My stomach was tight, unsure what this would be like. But it was Rylan and I trusted him to take care of me.
He wrapped his lips around my clit and began to suck, sending pleasure coursing through me. My eyes closed and I marveled at how easy it was now to close my eyes with him. I knew the hands running along my thighs, knew the mouth causing me so much pleasure. I tried to move closer and he held me back.
I felt the pressure building inside me as he expertly drove me towards the brink. I pulled on the restraints, feeling them slip on my wrist enough to keep any panic tucked away. I wanted to dig my fingers into his hair, press his face against me...
Just as I was about to tip over the edge, he stopped. I groaned in frustration and opened my eyes. His fingers were stroking my stomach, teasing over my bellybutton ring. Christophe had made me take off all of my jewelry before he'd tried...I pushed the thought away. Yesterday, Rylan had called in a favor with the local cops and one of them had let Rylan's driver get my jewelry when he came for the car so I didn't have to worry about the piercings growing over.
Rylan's teeth nipped at the inside of my thigh. “Didn't think I'd need to worry about keeping your attention.”
I managed a smile, but didn't say what I'd been thinking about, and he didn't ask. He knew how much I'd been through in the past couple days, so he probably guessed. I doubted he would've pressed the issue anyway. He pushed my limits, but always accepted my 'no' as final.
“Guess that means I'm just going to have to work harder.”
He kissed his way up my body, the feel of his skin sliding over mine sending heat radiating out from where we touched. Even as he began to lavish attention on my breasts, his fingers slid between my folds. His thumb brushed against my clit and my body tensed, desperate for more. Instead, he slipped a finger inside me and I moaned. Then his mouth covered my nipple and the moan became something more. My back arched as he sucked on the sensitive flesh, timing each pull of his mouth with the thrust of his finger. Pinpricks of pain went down my arms as I tugged on the material holding me back.
I felt it. So close. I ground my hips against his hand, needing that last little bit of friction to get me there.
And he stopped.
“Fuck!” I shouted in frustration.
“Just two times and you're already swearing?” He sounded amused.
I wasn't sure if it was the glint in his eyes or the fact that I was annoyed at him for denying me two great orgasms, but for whatever reason, I stuck out my tongue in a fairly childish gesture.
He moved before I had time to think, his mouth covering mine, drawing my tongue into his mouth. One hand cupped the back of my head, giving him control over the kiss. The other went back between my legs. I swore again as he pushed two fingers into me this time, stretching me in preparation for the thick shaft I felt hardening against my hip. The sounds I made were muffled by his mouth, but it didn't stop me from moaning as his teeth nibbled at my lips. He sucked on my bottom lip, worrying at it until it throbbed in time with the ache between my legs.
He lowered his head to my throat, placing open-mouthed kisses as he made his way back down my body. He paused to tease at my nipples, his tongue flicking across each one before he took them into the wet heat of his mouth. All the while, his fingers kept a steady rhythm thrusting into me. I began to shake, dancing right along the edge of an explosion.
Suddenly, his mouth and hands were gone.
“Dammit, Rylan!” I was nearly in tears as the tension inside me was again denied release. His eyes were serious as they met mine and I knew he was waiting to see if I'd use our safe words. I knew I could tell him it was too much, and he'd respect that. He'd untie me and ask me what I wanted to do. But I could also see on his face how badly he wanted this. I took a deep breath and glared up at him. “Is that all you've got?”
His eyes went nearly black.
Oh shit.
After that, I lost count of how many more times he took me to the edge only to deny me. The only thing I knew for sure was that, by the time he finally rolled the condom onto his cock, I was biting back my safe word. My entire body felt like a live wire. The slightest touch was agony because I knew he wasn't going to give me what I needed.
“You're doing so good, love.” Rylan leaned over me, brushing his lips against my forehead. “You can come now.”
As he said the last statement, he buried himself inside me with one thrust.
I screamed, or at least tried to. My mouth was open, but no sound came out. The moment he hit the end of me, the base of his cock pressed against my clit and I was gone.
I didn't stop coming the entire time he fucked me, every stroke pushing me further and higher. It was like every cell in my body was exploding into blinding pleasure, one right after another so that it was never-ending. I felt the cloth around my wrists biting into my flesh, intensifying everything I was feeling. Then he was crushing me against him, his breath hot against my neck as he said my name over and over again.
Chapter 2
I hadn't realized I'd passed out until I started to wake up. I felt arms around me, fingers massaging my wrists. The unmistakable spicy and masculine scent I'd recognize anywhere. My back was pressed against Rylan's chest and I took a moment to enjoy the steady thudding of his heart.
“Are you coming back to me?” he murmured as he nuzzled the place behind my ear that always made me moan. He kissed the side of my neck. “Are you okay?”
I opened my eyes as I twisted my body around so I could see him. “Are you always going to ask that when we do something like this?” I wasn't annoyed, just curious.
He brushed back hair from my face, his fingers lingering on my cheek. “I just worry that I'll do something to hurt you.”
I pressed my lips against his chest and heard him suck in a breath. His arms tightened around my waist. The blankets around us were soft and warm, but it was his body heat I craved. Everything about him, I craved.
“You don't hurt me,” I said softly. My fingers played across the smooth skin of his chest. “You keep me safe.” There was more I wanted to say, more to tell him. How he was the closest thing I'd ever had to a real family, to a home. But I didn't say any of it. I couldn't risk him taking it the wrong way. I'd fallen for him harder than I ever dreamed possible and, as much as I trusted him, I was still terrified that one wrong move, and I'd
lose him.
“Jenna,” he began and then hesitated.
I looked up at him, choosing to tilt my head impossibly far rather than move an inch away from him. “What's wrong?” An icy hand gripped my heart. Had I done something? Said something?
“Nothing,” he said quickly. He ran his hand up and down my back, one of those unconscious soothing gestures people did. “I just wanted to ask you something and then thought better of it, that's all.”
Now I wanted to know despite the nerves coiling in my stomach. “You can ask,” I said. “I won't promise that I'll always answer, but I'll never lie. Ask whatever you want.” I'd actually been waiting for him to ask questions, to want to know more about my past, who I was and where I'd come from. I'd given him a lot, but there was always more.
“I was wondering.” He appeared to be choosing his words carefully. “Why did you choose to go into computers?”
I blinked. Of all the questions I thought he'd ask after what happened with Christophe, that hadn't been one of them. It was a legitimate question though. One I'd asked myself when I'd decided what I wanted to do.
“Every time you're on the internet, aren't you afraid of what you'll find?” His fingers played with my hair, occasionally brushing against my scalp.
“That's why I did it,” I said. “I went into it because I wanted to learn how to find all of that...shit.” I shivered and he wrapped me more tightly in the blankets. “When I was fifteen, I wrote a nasty virus and a facial recognition program.”
“You got rid of them,” he said, understanding without me needing to tell him. “Everything with you...you cleared it.”
I nodded. “People say that once something's on the internet, it's out there forever, but there are always ways to make things disappear.”
“What did you do?”
I heard a note of professional curiosity in his voice. “I tagged the videos with the virus and then buried them all deep. If anyone ever tries to download them, everything gets wiped. Their hard drive, their identities, everything. I couldn't do anything about the people who'd already downloaded the files, but I made damn sure that it'd be virtually impossible for anyone to get them again.”
“You wrote that when you were fifteen?” He sounded impressed.
I looked up at him, my lips curving up into a grin. “Jealous?”
He smiled and kissed my forehead. “Very. I thought I was smart, but that sounds pretty lethal.”
“It is,” I said, returning my head to his chest. I liked the feel of his skin against my cheek. Who was I kidding? I loved the way his body felt against mine. I hated having anything between us.
“I'd like to see it someday, if you don't mind.”
I nodded. A thrill of pride went through me. I'd always known the programs I'd written were good, but I'd never been able to show them off before. Another programmer would want to know more about what they did and why I'd written them.
“Is that–” He paused, and then continued, “Is that why I hit a wall doing your background check?”
Right. That. He hadn't been surprised when I'd told him my name hadn't always been Jenna Lang because he'd found a record of a name change, but he hadn't dug any further.
“The courts wouldn't let me legally change my name until I was eighteen,” I said. “Which meant all anyone had to do was type in my name and they'd know everything.” My jaw muscles tightened. “I was in ten different foster homes from the time I was rescued until I turned seventeen and was allowed to go to college. At every one, someone would inevitably want to know more about the new girl, and once they searched my name, it was all over and I'd have to move again.”
“Oh, love, I'm so sorry.” He cradled the back of my head, his fingers massaging my scalp.
“Before I left for college, I figured out how to erase myself,” I confessed. “The day I changed my name to Jenna Lang, I erased all traces of who I had been. Court records, everything. My original name is gone and I thought it had taken with it any connection to my past.”
“Christophe doesn't know it, does he?”
“I don't know.” The thought made my blood run cold. “He always called me Snow White. My mom didn't tell any of...no one knew my real name until the story broke.”
“How could the media publish your name?”
I warmed at the anger in his voice. I was still working on accepting that there were people who didn’t blame me for what had happened.
“You were just a kid. There are laws.”
“Lily tried finding out who leaked my name,” I said. “But once it was out there, all of the papers ran with it. They claimed journalist shield law and that was it. I was the poster child for child pornography.”
“I hate this so much,” he practically growled the words. “I hate what was done to you.”
I looked up at him and his eyes were blazing. I put my hand on his cheek. “And I love you for hating it.” I ran my fingers through the hair at his temple. “But it's in the past. Nothing either one of us can do about it.”
He bent his head, capturing my mouth in a kiss so fierce that it took my breath away. I clung to him as his tongue parted my lips. I felt his emotions radiating off him, so intense that I didn't think my heart could take it. I'd never imagined anyone could feel this way about me.
“I love you,” he whispered as he broke the kiss.
“I love you, too.” I snuggled back down against him.
Silence fell again and I let myself drift, relaxed in my safe place. I was almost asleep when he asked it.
“What is your real name?”
I stiffened. I should've known that he'd want to know. I didn't think it was for some nefarious reason, but the question brought with it a flood of memories. I could hear the kids taunting me, hear the reporters shouting my name as Lily tried to shield me from them.
“Jenna, love, what's wrong?” Rylan took my face between his hands and tilted it up so that he could see me.
“I-I...” I shook my head, unsure how to explain it to him.
“Shh, it's okay.” He wrapped his arms around me again. “I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I didn't think. I'm sorry.” I let him fold himself around me, surround me. “Forgive me, love.” He kissed the top of my head. “I didn't think.”
I nodded. I didn't think I could speak with all of the shit inside me threatening to burst out. It wasn't just the memories that my name brought with it. This weekend, Rylan and I had been wrapped up in a little cocoon, in our own world. It was safe and warm here, in his house, his bed, his arms. Nothing bad could touch me here. Or such was the lie I'd told myself.
If what had happened with Christophe had taught me anything, it was that my past wasn't gone. It was there, it always had been there, and it was waiting to bite my ass when I least suspected it. I may have buried the videos of me deep online and made it so that anyone looking at them would regret it. I may have changed my name, but she was still out there.
I closed my eyes, wanting nothing more than to go back to how things had been before we'd had this conversation. I'd always prided myself on not lying to myself, but I'd been doing it without even realizing it, and this weekend had been one more example of it. Rylan and I had to go back to the real world tomorrow, a world where he was my boss, where his half-sister and his best friend hated me, where no one would think the two of us were right for each other. A world where my past was always lurking around the corner.
What had I gotten myself into? I couldn't keep putting aside the questions I didn't like. One day, he would get tired of me hiding things from him and he would give me an ultimatum. If I didn't want to lose him, I would have to tell him more than just my real name. I would have to tell him about the years after Lily rescued me, the anger and the rebellion. The ways I'd acted out. How I'd viewed men and sex. People who had been abused like I had generally went to one extreme or the other when it came to sex. They either completely shut down sexually or they treated sex like any other primal desire. Promiscuous was the w
ord most people used for the behavior. For the first time in my life, I wished I'd shut down. That I hadn't let anyone besides Rylan touch me.
I swallowed hard, trying not to cry. I knew there was nothing I could ever do to take back all that was lost. One of the first things I'd come to accept in therapy was that I'd never be a virgin and that I'd want to avoid any guy's question about how many people I'd slept with before him. It hadn't been that hard to accept because I didn't care. Sex didn't mean anything beyond physical satisfaction and that meant I didn't need to care what anyone thought about the number of partners I'd had.
Now, though, I cared. I wasn't stupid. I knew Rylan had been with other women. There was no way a man like him had ever lacked for female attention. I hated the thought of him with those other women, but I hated more that it didn't matter how many men those other women had slept with, they'd practically be virgins compared to me. And there was no way any of them had ever done the things I'd been forced to do, no matter how kinky they'd been.
I'd told him once that I was broken and he refused to accept it. I'd told him the extent of the damage that had been done to my body, the surgeries I'd needed to repair the injuries. And what they hadn't been able to fix.
My stomach twisted. In the past, there had been times I'd wallowed in self-pity about what had happened to me, but never had I felt this kind of anguish. I didn't want to tell him my name because I didn't want to be that girl again. I wanted that girl to never have existed. I wanted, more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life, to have only known the touch of one man. I wanted to not have been ruined long before he ever met me.
And I knew that could never happen.
All of the happiness of the weekend, the joy I'd felt at his proclamations of love, the pleasure I'd experienced at his hands, it leeched away into the darkness, leaving me wondering if I'd made a huge mistake. The past was there, a nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that I could pretend all I wanted, but she was still there and, eventually, I'd be her again.
Chapter 3