by Julia Karr
“But FeLS ... isn’t that a good thing? Sandy wants to get in to move up through the tiers.” My own words sounded halfhearted.
“That’s the kind of disinformation they teach you in school, isn’t it?” She sighed. “It’s not true. The government does nothing for the people, it only takes care of itself. Our whole system is designed to keep the GC in control. They run the Media, the Media runs us. It’s been going on for so many years that no one even notices anymore.” Gran closed the photo album and turned off the machine. “Alan noticed.” She took my face in her hands. “You’re so much like him.” Her PAV receiver beeped and we both jumped. “It’s Harriet, I’ll be back in a bit.” She looked over her shoulder at me as she was going out the door. “We’ll talk more later.”
I had never realized how alike Gran and Ginnie were. I picked up the album and flipped through the pages, stopping at the photo of my father and Jonathan. I knew the corner of Lincoln and Wells, but as hard as I tried, I couldn’t visualize the buildings. I made up my mind—tomorrow I’d go find Robin’s Roost. If it had meant so much to both of my parents, maybe there was some kind of feeling I could get from it. Perhaps an intuition, a hint or a nudge in the direction of my father. I knew I was being a little crazy, but without any concrete clues, I didn’t have a choice but to explore every bit of information I found about him.
Pops hobbled in on his crutch. “What’s this doing here?” He tapped the machine.
“Gran got it out. She said it was her safety net.”
He threw back his head and snorted. “It’s my old scrambler.”
“Your what?”
“Scrambler. It scrambles them.” He stuck his crutch in the air and circled it around. Then he leaned over and whispered, “Picked it up on a job and never gave it back.” He patted it like a dog. “Done me a lot of good over the years. You women planning a galactic takeover?” He laughed at himself. Then his eyes started to get that faraway look I’d seen so many times before.
“Gran went to Harriet’s,” I said. “Should we leave this out?”
“Huh? What?” Pops came back to the present. He switched the scrambler on and said, “You’d better put it away in its hideyhole, Little Bit. It goes in that cabinet above the chiller, behind the vent, you’ll see it.”
After I’d hidden the scrambler, I went to my room. Since Dee was finishing up her homework there, I slipped into her room to call Sandy. Sitting on the floor, surrounded by moving boxes, I poured out my new-school blues to her, leaving out any mention of Sal. She was still kind of touchy about that day at the zoo. And I certainly didn’t mention Robin’s Roost. Even though I loved Sandy, that was not the kind of thing I could talk to her about.
Later, as I was lying in bed, I mulled over everything Gran had said. My thoughts spun around like a blender. Homeless. I had thought the government was doing right by them: a place to live, food and jobs if they wanted them. I didn’t realize the price, however. Their lives were not their own. FeLS. Ginnie’d wanted so badly for me to stay out of it. She’d managed to buy out my contract. How she’d gotten the credits, I didn’t know. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know. Tattoos. I slid my wrist under the covers. There was no way out. My birthday was soon. In a few weeks I’d be branded and legal. GPS implants. I wanted mine gone—at least there I had an option. I could get it removed when I turned sixteen. I didn’t need the GC to keep me “safe” and track my every move. I crossed my arms over my chest, hugging myself tight.
Maybe I should give up, start reading XVI Ways, and figure out how to deal with the inevitable. A sliver of light from the hallway shone under the door and illuminated the room just enough for me to make out Ginnie’s picture by Dee’s bed.
Ginnie. She’d never been like Sandy’s mom, who always pushed and encouraged Sandy to follow Media guidelines. Mrs. Eskew’d bought Sandy every how-to vid that XVI Ways put out. She even made Sandy practice flirting and flaunting herself in front of her leering stepdad. I’d never say it to Sandy, but her mother was an idiot.
Ginnie never pushed me—except to do art, and that wasn’t exactly pushing. She’d been so against Media hype that she’d installed a disabler for the commercial feed on our FAV and would switch it off whenever she could. Once, she’d forgotten to turn it back on before Ed came over; as soon as he realized what she’d done, he was furious.
Lying there under the covers, I shivered. The ice-cold memory of his brutality gripped me. I could still hear him after he found the masking device in the controls: “Where did you get this?” When Ginnie refused to answer, he made her get out his box of vids. “You need a refresher course, babe,” he’d said. Then he ordered me to take Dee next door to Sandy’s. He never wanted his daughter to see what a horrible person her father was. Me, on the other hand, he didn’t care about at all. I knew I’d come back, and Ginnie would be in bad shape. She could barely walk for a week. Her right eye was swollen shut for days. He told Dee her mother was clumsy and ran into a cabinet door.
I hated him.
I wanted to believe in a different kind of love, like Gran said Ginnie and my father’d had. But I didn’t even know what that would look like. If it was all as bad as Ed’s vids made it out to be, I had a hard time imagining the human race would’ve survived. Fingering the T on my charms necklace, I stuffed back tears, whispering into the darkness, “How am I supposed to know what the truth is?”
XVI
Next day in homeroom, Wei turned to me and said, “Sal told me about your mother. I’m really sorry. That is so awful. And then to have to move to a new school ...”
Her expression was so kind and the remark was so unexpected, I thought I was going to lose it and cry right there.
“I’m doing okay.” I didn’t look at her. Instead I fiddled with the text chips on my desk. “Actually, I’m fine.” Lying about my feelings was becoming a lot easier.
“If you need to talk, I’m a good listener. Sal is, too.” She reached across the aisle and pressed my arm. “And he knows how it feels.”
“Why would I—”
Mr. Haldewick sashayed into the room tapping the floor with his pointer and shushed us all.
I knew Wei and Sal were friends, but I wondered just how well she knew him. Though she was right, Sal must have known how it felt—he was alone, too.
The bell rang, and Wei ducked out after class before I had a chance to say anything else to her.
I spent my last period running back through my plans to visit Robin’s Roost instead of focusing on Media Throughout History. Maybe today I would find something that led to my father. Dee was going home with her friend Maddie this afternoon. Derek and Mike weren’t expecting me either: Derek was rehearsing music with his brother and Mike had to go pick his dad up after a day of Bio-tester experiments at the government’s medical research building. If anyone asked, I said I was going to the zoo, then home. I was ready.
Finally, school ended and I got on the number 33 heading south, and got off the trans at Lincoln and Wells. I stood on the corner, like I was waiting for the light to change, until the transit was out of sight, then turned around. There, looming right in front of me, was Robin’s Roost.
I was stunned. I must have walked by this dilapidated wreck of a building a thousand times or more, but had never taken a second look. Let alone known what it once had been.
I don’t know what I’d expected to find there, but Robin’s Roost wasn’t much. The green awning from the photo was long gone. Its pitted and broken framework clung to the grimy, tagged walls like dead vines. Most of the windows at ground level had been broken and boarded up. A ghost of a rectangle on the stone by the front doors was the only evidence of where a sign had been. Someone must have taken it for scrap metal, or maybe for a souvenir of happier times. I hoped it was the latter. An orange plasticene notice glued on one of the doors proclaimed THIS BUILDING CONDEMNED. Underneath, in smaller print, it said, DEMOLITION SLATED AND CONFIRMED, DECEMBER 10, 2150. My birthday—only a month away. If I’d found out abo
ut this place much later, it would’ve been gone. For once, luck was on my side.
A heavy chain and padlock ran through the door handles. I rubbed on the glass, trying to clean a spot so I could see inside, when a voice behind me said, “Something interesting in there?”
I whirled around, surprised; it was Sal.
“No.” I felt heat creeping up my neck—what was it about Sal that had this effect on me? It was like I was two different people. I wanted nothing to do with him; but I also seemed to want him so much closer to me. It seemed to me that I was in a constant struggle to keep my wits about me. And when he stood so near to me, it was like I had no desire to struggle quite as hard as I should.
He cupped his hands to the door and peered in. “Dirty, probably stinks in there, too. So, Nina, what’s the fascination with this building?” His eyes searched mine and the blush on my cheeks kept growing.
“I was curious, that’s all.” I didn’t need to explain anything to him. What I did was none of his business.
“Really.”
“I have an old picture of my dad and a friend standing in front of this building.” I fiddled with my necklace, twisting the charms. “His and my mother’s wedding reception was here—I thought I’d take a look.” It was true. And he didn’t need to know anything more than that. I tried turning the tables. “What’re you doing here?”
He didn’t answer. “C’mon, you want a Sparkle? I’m buying.”
Why was it that he could get an answer out of me, but I could never get an answer out of him? I didn’t want a Sparkle, but I did want away from Robin’s Roost. “Sure ... I guess.”
We crossed the street, dodging through the crunch of transits and hire-trannies and stopped at a vendor wagon on the edge of the park. Sal tried to pay, but I swiped my card before he had a chance to. Drinks in hand, we walked down the path.
“That’s where we met.” He pointed to the mound where I’d been standing when I first saw him.
“Yes.” Just thinking about it made me feel embarrassed for him. “I’m sure you’d rather not remember that day.”
“Why not?”
“Well, you were, uh ... getting beaten up.”
“Yeah.” His voice softened. “I wasn’t thinking about that.”
I was trying to imagine what he was thinking about, when an unexpected stampede of butterflies invaded my stomach. I took a long drink of the soda; it didn’t help. When I lowered the can, Sal was smiling at me.
“What?” I swiped my chin with the back of my hand and checked the front of my sweater.
“You have dimples.”
I didn’t trust myself to speak. I started to take another sip, but when I raised my hand it was trembling and I was afraid I’d spill the drink all over myself. It was easy for me to rebuff Derek when he was being ridiculous, because I knew what ridiculous was with him. With Sal, I was completely out of my element. I felt both warm (which was nice) and tingly (which was scary) being close to him. It was almost as if my body wasn’t attached to my brain. A thrill ran through me, and I wasn’t sure if it was terror or excitement. I wanted to leave, but I didn’t want to leave him. The silence and the confusion in my brain were killing me. Finally, I thought of something to say.
“I’ve been coming here since I was little. I call this my mountain.” His big brown eyes under those dark lashes were studying my face. I sounded like a ten-year-old, I thought. “Well ... when I was little it seemed like a mountain.”
Sal sat down on the grass; I did, too.
“Who did you come here with when you were little?”
I looked down at the grass. Concentrating on anything besides his eyes was good. “Ginnie. We’d bring a picnic basket and spread a blanket out here.” I moved my hands across the grass, imagining the blue paisley throw in front of me and Ginnie’s warm laugh when I flopped backward on it, squinting into the sun. “I haven’t thought about that in forever.”
A flood of memories washed over me and I was lost in being five again. I could almost taste the peanut-butter-and-grape-jelly sandwiches. They’d be laid out on the blanket along with soy milk, veggie chips, and brownies. Ginnie and I would play hide-and-seek—I always found her. Sometimes I’d be so tired afterward that she’d carry me home, nestled against her shoulder. I closed my eyes, remembering the way her hair tickled my nose and how she smelled like roses. She’d always loved roses.
“Hey, Nina, you okay?” Sal said softly, touching my elbow.
Something about the way he looked at me, the warm sun on my back, this place ... My eyes welled up and my voice cracked. “I miss her so much.” I couldn’t stop the tears from spilling down my cheeks. This wasn’t the plan, this wasn’t at all what I’d had in mind, crying in front of Sal—a boy I hardly knew! Crying was weakness—I knew that. Ginnie never cried after Ed’s brutal beatings. Not once. How could I let any guy, especially Sal, see me cry?
No way in the universe could I ever have anticipated his reaction. He didn’t look away, or urge me to stop. He reached over and touched my shoulder. I covered my face with my hands and cried until I couldn’t cry anymore. When I felt like I had some measure of control, I dared to glance at him.
“You all right?” he asked.
I nodded, sniffed, and wiped my nose on my sleeve. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a napkin.
“Allow me to return the favor.”
I took it and wiped my eyes. “Thanks. I feel pretty stupid ... crying ... you know.”
“I do know, but it’s okay.” He produced another napkin since the first was now in damp shreds. “Here.” He stuck it in my hand.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, I asked, “Is Wei your girlfriend?” I could’ve died. I don’t know why I let that stupid question pop out of my mouth. It was definitely not my afternoon.
Sal started laughing. “Wei? My girlfriend?”
“Well, yes.” I glowered at him, prickles running up my arms. I wondered if all our conversations on my mountain were going to end with him laughing at me, or making me angry.
He stopped laughing. “Sorry, it’s just that I’ve known Wei since we were babies. She’s like a sister. Our parents were friends and we grew up together. And, well, since we’re asking ...” He focused on the ground, pulling out small clumps of grass. “Is Derek your boyfriend?”
“Derek?” It was my turn to be amused. “No way. He and Mike and I have been best friends since kindergarten. Where did you get the idea that he was my boyfriend?”
“He talks about you all the time.” His gaze was still on the grass. “Like you’re, uh ... special.”
I shook my head. “I knew it. That horse charm meant more to him.”
“Huh?”
“The day I met you Derek gave me this charm for my necklace.” I showed it to him. Sal leaned in for a closer look. “He was acting so odd, so not the way Derek acts. I thought that maybe he was getting a crush on me, but I told him flat out, the last thing I wanted was a boyfriend.”
“Oh ...” Sal straightened up suddenly.
I realized what I’d just said. I didn’t know how to explain, how to make him understand what I wanted without making a complete fool out of myself. The thing was, I didn’t know what I wanted, not anymore. I felt so conflicted around him. I didn’t want to be a sex-teen, but I didn’t want to push Sal away either. Even before I had it, the XVI tattoo was ruling my life, and I didn’t know how to stop it.
The butterflies in my stomach turned into sinking weights and I struggled to say the right thing. “Sal ... I’ve never had a boyfriend. And the only people I’ve seen who have boyfriends make fools out of themselves, or hurt each other. Like Ginnie and Ed, her ... her boyfriend.” Sal looked puzzled, and I realized he didn’t know anything about Ed. “Ugh, I’m not making sense. See, Media says you’re supposed to act a certain way, and Health and Soch says that when guys and girls ... and you expect this and that to happen and ...” I was rambling, I wasn’t making sense. Like Dee when she doesn’t want to go to bed and kee
ps talking and talking and talking.
I fingered my charms necklace, again, and latched onto the T. I stopped babbling, took a deep breath, and looked Sal straight in those deep dark eyes. “I’m afraid to have a boyfriend. I don’t know how to do that and not lose who I want to be. And I’m afraid of what it means to be close to a guy, a guy I might really like.”
There it was: the truth.
He took my hand, and looked at it for what seemed like light-years. “Yeah, it is scary.” He raised his eyes to meet mine. “But I don’t think you can avoid it forever, Nina.”
Then he leaned over and kissed me. Right on the mouth. My first kiss.
It was so tender, his lips were soft, and I felt like I was floating. Out of nowhere, I started crying again. He pulled me close to him and held me. I’d never felt so confused, happy, scared, and safe in my whole life. For the first time, the fears that had ruled my life faded to the background, and I felt calmer, lighter. I knew they’d come back, but at least I’d had a taste of freedom. I sank into it like it was a fluffy white cloud on a summer’s day.
We sat there for a long time—wrapped around each other, not saying anything. Eventually, a park security officer doing rounds on her ped-tran slowed down and gave us a look. Sal stood up and helped me to my feet, and she glided away.
“I’d better go,” I said.
He ended up walking me home. Neither of us said a word, but he held my hand. I was afraid if I spoke, some kind of spell would be broken.
When we got to my building, he brushed his lips across mine. “See you tomorrow.”